Milestone.

This week has been a little tumultuous, to say the least. One radio interview, one therapy session, one newspaper interview, one blow from a malicious source, one birthday past, one rush to get the website rolled out, and studying daily to prepare for my final exams, and...

... the book launch is tomorrow.

I will be sharing about my journey to recovery to an audience of people who may be struggling with this, and their friends and family.

This is a milestone. When people ask me where I am now in recovery, I tell them I am fully recovered. Nonetheless, this does not mean I am perfect. Life, is a continuous journey, and I'm still redisovering new things about myself every day.

But I'm thankful, that God is teaching me I don't have to go through this alone. I used to think: I have to sort myself out before I'm worthy enough to give a speech, or do a book launch, or enter a relationship. Now, I am learning, that it is precisely our inadequacies which take away our pride of self-sufficiency and give us enough humility to draw our daily strength from God.

Till today, I still have the tendency to over-critique myself, heh.

But nobody's perfect. Really.

And it's okay :)

And I'm just thankful too, that God has His way of reaching out to us, showing us how He is always in control, however people try to put us down, or use us for their own agendas. It helps to remember, that we belong to Him, and not to man's wicked plans. It helps to remember, that with big dreams, come big obstacles. And it helps to remember, that God does not see us as achievers and do-ers, as much as He sees us as precious children, learning life lessons along the way.

So here's to turning 24, and to launching my next book.

Here's to launching my new site, with thanks to Joseph for initiating this idea. Thank you for walking with me.

Here's introducing you to this new space- enjoy http://www.kitesong.sg/.

Gala.

I'm not a make-up kind of girl. Never have been, never will be.

So when I heard it was a gala event, I half-dreaded it. When I heard I had to don an evening gown, makeup and heels, and bring namecards for a grand affair with expensive tables, I gulped. All this, for an award ceremony to celebrate the contributions of youth who had given back to society in various ways.

The results would be announced tonight. The Outstanding Young Person Award. I don't think I'll win, ha. The past winners were Outstanding, to say the least-ministers and well-known people and heads of companies. But I am happy, for I realise, that for every shortlisted finalist, are scores of people working behind the scenes, without recognition or honour. And I am but one of the blessed few who has this blessed opportunity to be encouraged in this way.

This means a lot, in ways that might be different for most.

It means a lot, because it helped me to take stock of what I've done so far, what God has called me to do; it means a lot, for my parents to be there, and to realise that it wasn't for naught that they released me to all those dangerous places to do things they might rather have me not do; it means a lot, because I realised, that I have come to a place of greater security, with far less desire for the limelight, or approval from the public.

Reporters have been calling me, and I'm not quite used to it. 2 interviews down, and a few more to go tonight. I only pray that what I say may be used to encourage other youth to pursue their dreams too.

Run far, release the kitestrings, let them fly.

I realise, I no longer like the limelight, and no longer desire recognition in the same needy way I needed before when Kitesong was written and published. The woman now is different from the girl back then.

I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with regards to the irony of having a grand gala celebration to celebrate the works we have done for the poor and needy. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do a good job in handling photoshoots and answering questions. I'm not sure if this is bad for my soul, ha- as Dr Tan Lai Yong, the missionary doctor once said, regarding his being honoured and recognised for his work in China among the poor.

But I do know one thing, that I'm grateful, God, for this blessing. Being recognised, even as a finalist, has been an encouragement. Answering the questions from the reporters made me realise how blessed I am to have my dreams turn into reality, how magical life can really be. And I hope this'll continue to encourage many out there, that you can make things happen.

God is a dreamweaver, and

Dreams really do come true.

This is for you.

Hello readers :)

Thank you for dropping by this space once in a while. Whether you've been an anonymous reader or someone who's dropped me a note before to share your thoughts, thank you for walking with me. Most of all, thank you to those of you who have encouraged me along the way. I hope that in some small way, my writing has perhaps brought you a smile, some hope and some colour at a point when you needed it.

Along the way, some of you have written to me to ask for a copy of Kitesong, and how you can contribute. I'm sorry if I have been unable to pass the books personally to some of you.

Kitesong is finally online and I'd like to share it with you here: Kitesong. This idea to put the book on DVD was birthed and generously sponsored by my publisher's wife. And they were the ones who got amazing people to do the music and animation.

Pass it along and leave a note if you enjoyed it :)

Love,
Wai Jia

Writings.

Wai Jia is post-call today. That means she has successfully completed 36-hours of her shift as an intern in the department of General Medicine- that's almost non-stop action from 650am on a Wednesday till 2pm today, Thursday. This will be part of normal life soon after graduation as junior doctors have around 6 calls a month. It was tiring, but great fun as well. She will write about her experience soon but in the meantime, her toes have been tickled and she's trying to keep her life in balance.

23rd Birthday.

This birthday is the best one I've ever had. Although it was on Wednesday, showers of blessing rained down since Monday, all through the week till the weekend. This birthday has been the biggest breakthrough for me in so many ways- physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I want to thank each of you for being a part of my journey thus far.

On Monday, a public institution, two established foundations and my publisher gave their full support for A Taste of Rainbow, the book I had written in June 2007 about faith, hope and courage, to raise funds and awareness for people struggling with depression and disorders from self-esteem issues. The first page of the book begins with Hebrews 11:1- "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." In June 2007, I saw a rainbow in the sky just moments after I had finished the first draft of the book.

A rainbow is God's promise. On Monday, I saw a glimpse of that reality.

On the same day, Faith, the bicycle, was built. Faith is a gift from my friends and family, put together by them because of how they had been moved by God who gave the money meant for my new bike to Alisha, a 4-year old deaf Nepalese girl who was $20'000 short. It was because of this giving that I met Ms K, a lady behind a huge foundation who was passionate not only to pay off all of Alisha's medical costs, but to fully sponsor A Taste of Rainbow.

The connections, revelations and lessons gleaned from this story blows my mind to this day, still.
On Tuesday, my friends came down specially with me to be fitted onto Faith. We were ecstatic. They even brought down their huge SLR cameras to capture the special moment. Interestingly, Faith still had a few tweaks to undergo.



On Wednesday, Faith was finally ready. And I wondered if God might have had a hand in it, simply because He makes things so perfect, to have me collect Faith on my birthday.


That night, around 30 friends came to my home. Many breakthroughs happened that night. Using a projector, I shared with them a presentation I'd put together to share with them my life journey with God. I entitled it "Finding Faith." It was about Kitesong, my illness, A Taste of Rainbow, Ophthalmology, Alisha and of course, my bicycle and my eventual recovery. For the first time, I could be strong enough to talk about this entire experience and about God's faithfulness in front of a watchful and fairly large audience. For A Taste of Rainbow to be truly effective in reaching patients, youth-at-risk and the public-at-large, my publisher said I had to be ready in being open with my Story.

That night, was my first step to being brave to share my Story face to face with people. In the past, I could only write but never talk about it much.

A Taste of Rainbow is a story about having the courage to confess one's weaknesses and to get help. It is a story about a little girl who loses, and then finds her mouth.

On my 23rd birthday, on a Wednesday evening in front of about 30 people, I found my mouth. And when I spoke, I felt God's pleasure.

my friends listening

Grandpa Zhou came too, and, with everyone clapping and singing and playing the guitar according to his tunes song after song, he overcame his feelings of inferiority. It was a breakthrough for him, too.

Grandpa Zhou doing what he does best.

Everyone enjoying his singing

In addition, my friends supported Qing (a patient who had been disfigured when she was 14 by her elder sister's boyfriend) by buying the handmade flowers she had made. That meant receiving many more cards, far fewer things I didn't need, and almost $200 for her- that made me very happy. I love cards.

On Thursday, I met someone who was interested in reprinting Kitesong to raise funds to build a school in India for needy children. I might be sent there this June to visit the kids.

Suddenly, I realised that God's promise to me was true. That I guess, perhaps He has a plan for me in writing and painting.

On Friday, I acknowledged that God had blessed me above and beyond what I could ever ask. I decided that with my bicycle Faith, I ought to honour God's faithfulness to me by being even more prudent and disciplined about my spending. I had just decided I no longer wanted to buy any more unecessary sporting apparel (trisuit, biking jersey etc) when I received a call to meet a friend at the train station.

That night, I received the triathlon suit I had tried on a week ago and liked but couldn't bring myself to buy. The special stranger's gesture made me think twice and thrice. Eventually I concluded I was vain. It was on discount, but still, a hundred and fifty dollars- a sum that would sponsor 3 children's living expenses for a month in Andra Pradesh, India. My friend said he knew the shop owner and would be able to get a bigger discount on an item I fancied. Stupidly, I believed him. I never expected he would buy it for me. One hundred and fifty dollars. I was speechless.

On Saturday, I invited my friends who had got Faith for me to my place for dinner. I cooked, as a gesture of gratitude and thanks. What I didn't expect was how they continued to lavish me with gifts- an expensive strawberry cake, new tyres for my new wheels, ear-plugs for my swim training, and... ...

I buried my head in my hands. I had only removed a corner of the blue wrapping when I stood stoned. It was the new team cycling jersey, the one I'd been planning to get since January but just kept delaying because I thought that with a new bike, I ought to spend less. I felt it was too much to be spending so much money in such a short span of time. I felt I didn't need a second cycling jersey.

They got it for me because "you only have one right? Whatcha gonna do if you wanna ride on consecutive days?" and "See, this one matches your bike well. Right colour and size, yes?"

I wanted to cry and flip and laugh, all at the same time. But I was too shocked. They put Faith together for me, and now are buying things for me that match her.

This Sunday morning I woke up and saw signs of bad skin again. I biked, ran and swam yesterday and knew the cruelty of the unmerciful sun on my sensitive skin. Many months ago, a lady at church, Aunty M, treated me to a series of facial treatments at the high-end boutique shop she owned simply because "I just want to bless you, Wai Jia. I want to see God's radiance on your face."

Of late, I had decided to stop going because I felt bad about the whole thing. I woke up this morning, knowing my skin would only worsen from today on because training would be ramped up in preparation for the OSIM triathlon.

I was about to leave church when she caught me and held my hand, "Wai Jia, I want you come back SIX more times in 6 months. I just want to take care of you and see your skin perfectly cleared. Okay?"

6 months. That's just about the length of time I might be training for the Olympic distance triathlon.

It amazed me, truly, to see how God always keeps His promises, how He really knows our every need and takes best care of us. I remember when He gave the money for my new bike away to Alisha, Aunty Ay told me: God is no man's debtor. You will never need more than He can supply.

This week, I saw God's grace and abundance in my life. For all my grumbling and inability to give completely joyfully to Alisha (I was crushed and anguished for a long time), I didn't deserve a new bike at all. Yet He gave me not only a brand-new one, but the love of friends and family, and more importantly, a Story of Faith to tell.

For all my rebellion, faintheartedness and doubt, A Taste of Rainbow should very well have been trashed. Yet, God saved it, and in His perfect time, allowed its progress and I believe, will allow its complete fruition.

For all my materialism and vanity, I most certainly don't deserve to be pampered. Yet, God blessed me through angels and friends, and I received item after item which would allow me not only to complete a triathlon but to complete it with the whole set-up, trisuit and all. It blows my mind. I have never had so many thoughtful gifts in so short a time in my entire life.

Surely, this is far, far more than what God demanded for Alisha. He asks for all, only because He gives all. And His all is surely more than ours. Surely, none of this would have happened if I had ignored Him to buy the beau I first set my worldly eyes upon.

And above all,
God blessed me with friends.
Friends who accept and encourage me,
who've walked with me hand in hand,
and who love me precisely for what I've been through,
and for the way I am.

Thank you for walking with me,

on this journey of faith.

Thank you God,

for the most memorable birthday.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits."

-Psalm 103:2

Finding Faith.

Ever since I could remember, I have always wanted to write and illustrate books. When I was four, I made storybooks from string, paper and crayon.

It's like waiting foolishly for a rainbow underneath the darkest raincloud, with nothing but the pelting onslaught to mock you for your stupidity.

Have you ever had a dream that you thought might never come true? Even though you felt God had promised you so?

When Kitesong was published to raise funds for needy children in Nepal, I remember very clearly being very stunned. I remember, that it started off as a naive, foolish idea. My closest loved ones, fearing I would have my tall dreams shattered at too young an age, advised me, "No one will read a book written by an 18 year-old. Wait till you graduate."

But then, I met people who dared to take risks, people who believed in a God who had a penchant for using those with blind faith, people who gave me a chance. I met my publisher, and then my life was never the same again.

"Faith, is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see."- Hebrews 11:1. I had nothing but that promise to hang on to for hope.

After I saw how real God was, saw the 6-figure sum raised from the book, and finally, saw the children move into the new orphanage last August, I told myself, that we can doubt ourselves, but never the power of prayer, of faith, and of God.

Today, my rainbow came true.

Four years ago, I fell prey to the biggest illness in my life. Ill for 2 whole years, life was... excruciating. Two and a half years ago, I wrote my 2nd book called A Taste of Rainbow, a book about faith and courage to seek help, about my recovery, praying that it would be used to raise awareness for people with depression and Ed. I prayed. I knocked on doors. I did every conceivable thing to push the project forward. But nothing happened.

Why God, why? I still remember that day. I had finished the first draft of the book when I saw a rainbow in the sky. That rainbow was all I held onto, as I prayed continually and persistently for the fruition of this book.

For almost three years, nothing happened. Or so it seemed.

Three years was what it took for God to break, build and mould me. I remember, on my knees in tears at church one day, someone came to tell me, "You aren't in the season of bearing fruit yet because there is still a season of Pain you have yet to walk through. No fruit will be borne- yet. But when it does, it will be on schedule, in God's time, and you will be so amazed. You will be so amazed."

God has His timing.

Three years later, finally healthy and relapse-free, just 2 days before my birthday, my rainbow -finally- came through.

Today is a special day. The team from the General Hospital, representatives from 2 established foundations and my publisher came to meet me. There were 7 of us around the table, and each of them wanted to support A Taste of Rainbow. Each of them are powerhouses in their own communities, each of them a person with a heart of gold to help and impact their world around them.

"We truly believe in its cause."

"It'll be fully funded."

"Our hope is to help as many people too, Wai Jia. Just call whenever you're ready."

Whenever I was ready. They said, I could tell them whenever I was ready, and it would be published.

"Faith, is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see."- Hebrews 11:1. Those words are the first page of the book.

It amazed me to know that on the day that happened, my roadbike (its model really is called Faith) was built too. Today, J and I walked past the bicycle shop 2 minutes from home, even though it had closed, and looked at Faith in the showcase from afar. My wheelset is still not shipped in yet, so she lent me her wheels.

Just like how A Taste of Rainbow took time to come to fruition, my roadbicycle needed time to be built too. I learnt, that faith is like that, it cannot be rushed.

Just like how A Taste of Rainbow is being supported by so many organisations and people because it really is a large-scale project, my roadbicycle needs J's wheels and my friend, Batman's seatpost, to be complete too. I learnt, that very often, we need one another to build up our faith.

Just like how A Taste of Rainbow was inspired from heaven, my roadbicycle, too, was a divine blessing. I learnt, that truly, the world can mock us in our agony for our naivete, but faith- not in ourselves but in something more divine, something bigger out there- never disappoints.

Just before we left, my publisher passed me the draft of my 3rd book. "I like it. I really like this one. We just need to find a vehicle for it. "

This birthday, will truly be one of the most memorable ones.

Thank you all, and thank you God- for making dreams come true, and for helping me Find Faith.

* with Special thanks to EK and Aunty An, for the birthday gift,

and for giving me a chance to write and paint,

like I have always dreamed of doing

since I could hold a pencil.

For richer or poorer.

This, must be the quietest Christmas I've ever had.

I used to be so big on buying gifts, wrapping presents, writing letters, attending party after party, listening to carols and decorating the house. I used to be so big on the festivity of the occasion. After all, what's Christmas without lights, fun and presents?

Perhaps it's because my final exams are in early January, because my sister is back for only a short few days before she disappears for America again, and because I've grown up, that glitzy gatherings and gifts which nobody really needs no longer hold such a fascination for me. Perhaps, since knowing God, I've learnt to appreciate Christmas and comprehend its profound meaning. Perhaps, I've just become more pensive and less outgoing.

There is something about the extravagance of Christmas which used to disturb me. How can people celebrate and indulge in an atmosphere of hedonistic decadence when half the world is suffering? But I realised, I had missed the point. Some of us, myself included, are trapped by the traditional thinking that the poor always suffer more, and the rich ought to be ashamed for flaunting their riches in the face of the stark reality of poverty. I am beginning to realise, how rich and poor are both poor and suffer in their own ways, and neither may be better off than the other.

While the poor are cold and stricken by infection, poverty and hunger, the rich are lonely and stricken with illnesses of insecurity, surfeit and emptiness. Sadness, loneliness and emptiness respect no one, and strike hardest amidst festive cheer. The poor may be hungry but huddling with their families, while the rich may be drunk on indulgence but hurting inside. Suicide rates are highest in Christmas, did you know that?

And I started to miss you all because I realise that rich or poor, better or worse, each of us have a God-shaped hole that no food, water, possession or human love can fill.

Suddenly, as more of my closest friends started to fly off for their holidays and I felt more and more alone, I missed us washing clothes together on the grey slates of the orphanage, with you giggling and splashing, refusing to let me wash your petticoats because they were "too dirty for you to wash, didi (big sister) Wai Jia. Come, you wash our shirts only okay? Cleaner."

I thought of how so many of us have domestic help to do our washing and chores but are nonetheless busier, and less grateful.

Suddenly, I missed us running and shouting and screaming our lungs out, free in the fields, as we breathed hard against the wind in the cold wintry evening, losing ourselves in the game. Suddenly, I remembered how you all were in the fields playing and shared but one bicycle, but were happy and contented and grateful.

I thought of how grieved I was at losing the bicycle which I wanted, while all of you share one.

Suddenly, I missed us talking. Missed the way you made me feel like a child and a mother at the same time. Missed the way you all would come round and tell me story after story about your parents far back in the villages and how meeting them was a 5-day journey back on foot because no vehicle could go where you stayed.

I thought of the many of us who have parents we live with but sometimes don't even make time to talk to.

Suddenly, I missed being with the missionary couples in the freezing winter, listening to them tell me how each of you were so precious in their eyes. I missed the time I was so full of faith that I would find someone with a heart like mine to want to own an orphanage and adopt or foster children. I missed the time I was so certain I would find someone like that.

And I thought about the many of us who have children we feed, but don't take time to understand.

I realised, that rich or poor, emptiness can be a cruel equaliser. And no amount of financial disparity can separate the levels of loneliness each group feels.

This, must be the quietest and yet, most peaceful Christmas I've had. For I've finally learnt to take time off, to spend quality time with my family, to give thanks for the possessions I have, and to recharge my faith, eroded with time, in the calling I've felt called to. It's about time I went to visit the poor again. I miss you. In less than a month, after my final exams, I will be travelling to a jungle missions hospital in Kalimantan to learn a little more of what it means to be a missionary doctor.

I am learning, that the emptiness inside can only be filled by a God-shaped piece.

I am glad for Christmas, glad for today and the sulleness I feel, glad that I'm not at another party but home with my family, glad that J reminded me to be open-minded with regards to looking for a life partner, glad that I'm a little discouraged that I might never find someone who could love Godme&missionwork and promise to be with me 'for richer or poorer', glad that I miss you all this much...

... because it reminds me, that God's infinitude, and love and company is always with us. And that is what fills, and what satisfies, truly.

For richer or for poorer.

He was born on this day for the same reason called love.

But the angel said to them,

"Do not be afraid.

I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you;

he is Christ the Lord.

This will be a sign to you:

You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

-Luke 2:10-12

Measure for measure.

Perhaps, all things really do happen for a reason.

Today, everything seemed to come full circle. And after so long, I finally understood.

Kitesong. My bike. Anorexia. Alisha. The doctors. Money. People like you who visit this space. They all seem like such disparate things. But today, they were all weaved together, intricately, beautifully and seamlessly.

Just 4 months back, I hadn't much hope that any of us could help Alisha. Things seemed rather bleak for her. Just 3 and a half months back, I hadn't a clue just who I was sitting next to during the fundraising dinner, just how remarkable Ms K is. Just 3 months back, I hadn't any idea that my bike would have anything to do with this little 4-year old and her future or my dreams. Today, it all made sense.

"Yes, do come over. Would you like to come to my dialysis centre? Looking forward to meeting you," Ms K said.

During that fundraising dinner 3 months ago, I sat next to a woman who doesn't work in the traditional sense of the word, but who gives her life to needy patients and impacts lives one at a time. During another fundraising dinner I attended last Saturday when I made an appeal for Alisha's case, my professor who heard my appeal told me, " You must apply for funding for Alisha through this foundation/trust- I know the lady who owns it. She will most definitely help you." Little did I realise the person behind this trust was the same woman I had sat next to, and whom I met for coffee just a month back. How could I not have seen God's hand in this all.

So today, I, together with Jo (the missionary), Alisha and her mother Maili went down to visit Ms K at the dialysis centre she runs for needy patients. There she was, in simple down-to-earth clothes, in a humble setting of a heartlander area, smiling and talking to the many kidney patients who were on their routine dialysis treatment. This was the woman I had heard so much about. When I saw her, watched her and listened to her tell me story after story of the lives of the people she had touched, my hair stood on end- for though she had every opportunity to live a life of extravagance because of her background, she chose to live with others in mind. There she was, in simple, humble, down-to-earth clothes and a genuine smile, being greeted heartily by the elderly uncle and the smiling, toothless auntie hooked onto the dialysis machines."So, tell me about Alisha."

And we did. Jo told her about her social enterprise helping destitute women in Nepal, about the many cases of meningitis each year which robs children of their sense of hearing, leaving many developmentally delayed, autistic and abandoned, about how she had noticed Alisha being exceptionally intelligent in spite of her deficiency.

And as we chatted, Alisha happily ate her biscuits dipped into warm milo,

and happily amused us with her very expressive antics and gestures. Here's a picture of her scrunging her face up in mock agony and gesturing how the implant was put behind her left ear.

We went hysterical with laughter watching her gesture her experience to us in her world of profound silence.

" What you've done for her is amazing Josephine," Ms K said. " The amount of time, effort and love you've poured out into helping Alisha, and especially in following her post-operative therapy through is astounding. I will most definitely like to support the remainder of her treatment costs, as well as her future therapy needs. My only condition is that she gets good followup."

Today, everything came full circle. It was as if, after such a long journey of walking through so many disparate points, all the dots came together, and today, when the last dot was joined, I could finally see the big picture from God's perspective.

Having to grapple with letting my wants and my bike go for the needy put me in a place of deeper involvement with Alisha. That opened the door for an open appeal to the doctors in my circle, who linked me to Ms K, whom I would not have been able to meet up so easily with today if it had not been for my publisher's wife who introduced me to her.

Soon after the agreement was made, Jo had to take Alisha and her mother to the hospital for their implant check-up. It was then that Ms K asked me, " So, did you bring your 2nd book along for me to see?"

My 2nd book. A Taste of Rainbow. The book I wrote about courage and faith, to raise awareness about depression and also, eating disorders. It's been on the shelf for more almost 2 years now, since its conception. Looking back, I could see why God stopped it from getting published- I was still journeying toward recovery and put too much of my self-worth into it. The aim to get it published became a god in itself. God made it very clear to me that His promise would stand, that it would eventually be published- but in His own time and own way, in 2011- and not at my whim or demand. The therapists in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) working with people with eating disorders confirmed it too. 2011.

Today, after Jo and Alisha left, Ms K looked at my paintings and writing for A Taste of Rainbow and said, " I like it. It has a good message and a good cause. How can I help? I'm willing to fund it. The next time we meet, let's get together with the people from SGH."

God never fails when He promises. Did you know, that the day I finished the first draft of A Taste of Rainbow, I saw a rainbow in the sky. In the bible, a rainbow signifies God's promise.

If I had not listened to God and given up my bike, I'm not sure if all that happened today would have happened. I'm not sure if all the dots would have joined to form this remarkable picture which I am seeing now. I gave up two-thousand and five hundred dollars, but was given in return a far greater measure. Two weeks ago, Aunty Ay wrote to me, " Wai Jia, God will honor what you did for Alisha- He is no man's debtor and will return to us measure for measure, pressed down and overflowing."

I thought she was merely trying to comfort me. Now I see how it is true.

Perhaps I am thinking too much. But perhaps, it's true, that everything happens for a reason.

To those of you who donated money to Alisha's cause, and even took pains to raise money from your friends before getting in touch with me, even though I'm a complete stranger to you, I just want you to know, that your little sacrifice will go a long way. You may not see it now, you may even think your efforts were all wasted, were all made in senseless fruitless compassion since we've found such a generous donor to cover all of Alisha's fees, but someday, you'll see the dots all joined together. Someday, this small effort of yours will build something in you that will reap its harvest much later in life. And when it finally happens, you'll surely say, Ah, I finally understand.

God will never shortchange us. He is no man's debtor.

Thank you for all your love and compassion.

However small a contribution you think you made,

just remember,

that it impacted not only Alisha's life,

but more importantly,

your own.

Someday, all your seemingly senseless little acts of love

will all make sense.

"Give, and it will be given to you:

good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over

will be put into your bosom.

For with the same measure that you use,

it will be measure back to you."

-Luke 6:38

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28

Kites and Dreams.

I dream all the time. I just, can't stop dreaming. It is what keeps me alive every day.

I'm not proud to admit it, but my mind is very often drifting towards a rainbow or resting on a daffodill. Like a cloud, it's always moving, shifting, taking on new shape and form in the likeness of a new ideal, a new aspiration. Sometimes I share my dreams, sometimes I don't. But I just, can't stop dreaming.

Lately, I think I heard God's calling for my life. It just sat so well and peacefully within me. I have for a long time loved medicine and children. I learnt that I love O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology), love women, teaching children, and writing books. I was agonised, however, by the fact that O&G is such treacherous ground (think having to deal with abortions and ethics and mother-and-child life-and-death issues on a day-to-day basis). I was agonised by the fact that I couldn't see how my medical background would help me teach or serve children better directly-somehow, I never saw myself as a paediatrician. But when I saw the tree filled with hundreds of caterpillars while we conducted the children's camp in Sri Lanka, I felt as if God was speaking to me, that my love for children and teaching them was not an accident, that they were caterpillars with potential ready to be unleashed and transformed into butterflies. He gave me a sunday school class at church for a reason.

So it was then that my dream birthed and blossomed. For a long time, I kept all my kites under wraps in the back of my closet, as the nightmare of untangling the knots of kitestrings unnerved me. But as we walked by the ocean in Sri Lanka, and God presented this image of the sky to me, just like in the last page of Kitesong, I truly felt He was telling me, that it was time to be brave to dream again. That it is noble and lovely to dream, as long as we trust God with them ultimately.

Just like how when my dream to write a book to raise funds evoked feelings of excitement, joy, trepidation and peace, this too, released in me a cage-ful of butterflies.

I think I've found my calling in life- to serve needy women and children in underprivileged nations.

I have a dream. Of building my own Women's and Children's Hospital in a developing nation and practising O&G the Right way. (Yes, I believe performing abortions for reasons other than the fetus causing maternal harm is Wrong. And I know I must be prepared to be slammed for taking that stand for the rest of my life because righteousness invites persecution. I am not sorry for this stand.)

I dream of building that hospital in a developing place where women and children are hurting, and of founding an orphanage right next to that place, so women who want abortions have the option of putting them up for adoption, instead of going for illegal, septic abortions and dying of septicemia. This helps to alleviate the social issues involved. I dream of someday implementing public health programs to educate families about the importance of contraception, the sanctity of life, to alleviate problems of malnutrition and child/women abuse, and to strengthen families. I dream of doing surgery for women and children, especially simple ones such as cleft palate surgery.

I dream of writing and painting more books to raise funds and awareness for causes I believe in. I dream of putting my paintings in a gallery someday to raise funds for a needy cause somewhere.

It jolly well sounds impossible, doesn't it? It's so big a dream. Practically speaking, I can't do O&G, Paediatrics and Plastic surgery (for cleft palates) all at the same time either,

But it's not entirely impossible, either. Doctor Miguel has transformed communities through medical missions, and is doing it till this very day. Together with her husband who is a pastor, she is helping communities in rural Philippines through the well-known Agape Rural Program. Dr Tan Lai Yong has done it, and is doing it now, still. He has published several books to raise funds for numerous tree-planting and community-sustaining projects in remote parts of China, blessing people with leprosy, HIV and the poor and needy.

Families-just of late God put this burden in my heart. For I realise, that most of our social problems today are largely due to family units gone wrong- explain orphans and abuse and dysfunctional people. Lately, I submitted another book to my publisher, in the hope that it may be used to raise awareness and funds for a cause pertaining to strengthening family units. I'm surrendering it to God, and have decided that even if nothing comes out of it, I must trust in His plan and timing. I have learnt, that we must never think we want to do good more than God does.

I dream of doing medical missions with my family in a place God has called me to, to serve other families. I dream of staying there over a good number of years, and cycling to work maybe. I dream of staying in a place where there is an ocean.

I dream of never ceasing to dream.

These dreams are so big, so idealistic, and so very very far away that I know they would only but invite scoffing and mocking. I am beginning to realise, that a lot of what I do and think has invited jeering. But perhaps the best thing is this, that no matter what people say, I still can't stop dreaming.

I have little, silly personal dreams too- about having having a new bike, one that is lighter, faster and which actually fits my size. One which I can one day ride in overseas races with handcyclists to raise funds for a worthy cause. I dream of completing an Olympic distance triathlon in my lifetime. I dream of sailing someday in the wide open ocean. I dream of learning how to horseride.

I dream of someday finding someone who really understands, loves, encourages and believes in me, whom I can partner to do God's work, and whom I can understand, love, encourage and believe in, in return.

I dream all the time, I just can't stop dreaming.

Because you know, dreams really do come true. Even if they're big, far-fetched ones. The thing is, I'm not believing for them to happen because of what I'm capable of, because I can't. But God is infinitely bigger than any of our wildest dreams, and He most certainly cares more about the poor and needy than any of us put together. God knows what needs to be done. But when we trust Him enough to ask, a spiritual miracle takes place. That act of faith unleashes a power far beyond our imagination- the impossible becomes possible, and we will awed by the magnitude of His abilities, and humbly come to know that it was not us, by God who moved the mountains and shook the earth. We just need to trust, that when we ask, He listens, and will invite us to participate in His adventurous work- but in His time and in His way, not by our terms or standards.

My journey through Kitesong has humbled and chastened me much. I learnt that God is more concerned about orphans than I ever will be. I learnt that when we want to make things happen, we must trust in God's good and perfect timing, and learn to be patient. I learnt that in the long run, only God can be our eternal fuel, not human goodness. And last but not least, I learnt that while we can dare to dream big, dare to ask, dare to have faith, at the end of the day, we must be willing to surrender and accept God's will for us and the world, and not whine about dreams which may be coloured by self-glorification, or selfish desires, and not be overwhelmed by disappointment. We must trust God that He knows best.

After Kitesong, I don't think I can ever stop dreaming. God, how did you make this happen? How did you make a little girl's dreams come true? And the dreams of many other children in developing nations?

After 3 and a half years, we have come full circle finally. Thank you for giving these underprivileged children in Nepal a better chance at education, at life, and a chance to dream like you and me, too.

Dear sister Wai Jia,

Greetings! How are you?

Hope you are very busy for your daily duties, we too are also busy always in our daily life.

We are not forget you and praying for you.

All our Sophia children are doing well.

We have 30 girls with us, so continue to pray for us.

We are very happy and praising God for His goodness for all of us.

After a very long time we are writing to you but you are in our heart always.

Even though we are physically far away from each other but you are always in our prayer. We know that your heart and prayer for Nepal Ministry is there always in God.

Your prayer, support and many other things not goes into vain

because God answer our prayer and

He bless us with new house for Sophia Home.

After long renovation we all shifted already in new Sophia Home from just last week of August 09.

Just we would like to thank you from our bottom of our heart

that thank you for your support in every areas of our ministry.

Please find the simple picture of new Sophia Home.

Thank you once again and
may God bless you richly.

Uncle S and Aunty G L

We're free to dream, because it's God, not us, who makes things happen.

Thank you for your love and support.
More than $100'000 has been raised for Sophia's Home and the children have now moved into a new premise they can finally call their own.
No longer do they need to keep shifting homes because of high rental issues,
so they may finally put their hearts to studying well.
Funds raised from the Kitesong DVD will continue to support youth in developing countries,
so they may have a better chance at achieving their dreams in life.
The new Home is near the children's school, and a large field where they can play.

Thank you for giving them a chance to dream.

“ Finally, brothers, whatever things are true,

whatever things are noble, whatever things are just,

whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,

whatever things are of good report,

if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-

meditate on these things.

The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me,

these do,

and the God of peace will be with you."

-Phil 4:8

Topsy Turvy.

When I was invited to give a short sharing about Kitesong during the fundraising dinner last Sunday, I didn't know what to say. I found it most difficult to compress all that God had done in my life through this journey in the 2 minutes which they gave me. Feeling rather out of place as well as being the youngest person in such a posh hotel amidst a sea of tai-tais (slang for middle-aged married ladies) in their glittery dresses, expensive jewellery and make-up, and wealthy businessmen, I tried my best not to appear awkward without make-up in the simple black cotton dress my sister had given me a year ago.

My mind went blank when I got on stage, and though people were very encouraging with regards to the little bit which I shared, I think if I had a second chance to say it right, I would have liked to share how things are really not what they seem. God is topsy-turvy, you see.

On the surface, it seems as if I did a great thing for the under-privileged. In truth, it was not me, but my publisher and his wife, the entire missions society, the missionaries who have poured out their lives for the poor and the generosity of many people who made the fundraising to build a new orphanage for the underprivileged children in Nepal possible. On the surface, it seems as if I am what the world may label a "good" person. In truth, not a single one of us can truly be "good"- I struggled with pride, greed and vanity through the entire process- I believe the root of anorexia is a form of warped pride. On the surface, it seems like I am a sensible, mature, compassionate person. In truth, I suffered from a people-pleasing complex.

You see, God is absolutely topsy-turvy. Topsy-turvy because even though we're so broken and imperfect, He often likes to lavish His love on those who are weak, flawed and wretched. If you have a peek in the bible, He always liked to involve the most unlikely people in great adventures and phew, am I relieved to know that!

When I first made friends with God and hardly knew anything much about Him, He decided to use an angsty teen who suffered with lots of self-esteem issues to participate in the adventure He had in store, which comprised of a book, a trip to Nepal and a new orphanage for 30 children. But once I became proud, self-absorbed and let my big-headed self get the better of me, He broke me through a period of depression and physical illness, took away all the gifts He had blessed me with, so I could truly understand the meaning of gratitude and humility. He is topsy turvy because He likes to use those who are weak and simple in the eyes of the world, but hates those who bask in worldly adoration. He likes to use those who are broken, and hates those who self-exalt.

It intrigues me to know that when I was ill and struggling, the missionaries in Nepal too were facing much difficulty with purchasing land for the new building. And it was only after I had recovered, after I had truly grown, that their plans made new advancements. Their steam picked up when mine did. But it shouldn't amaze me, should it? To know that more than our works and ministries, God is far more interested in our characters, and growth.

Thank you all for your support and generosity. I cannot thank you enough for the many times you randomly put money trustingly into my hands "just to bless the children" or wrote the Home a cheque of hundreds or thousands of dollars. I cannot thank my publisher and his wife enough for giving me a chance, and for being so encouraging. I cannot thank my parents enough for loving me so much to let me go and pursue my dreams

And thank you God, for being just the way You are, topsy turvy.

Gratitude.

You just can't quite see things the same way again.

They don't have enough water because they have no rain. They can't buy water like Singapore does because they're too poor. They're too poor because the government is corrupted and none of this is the people's fault.

One girl at the orphanage came to tell me, "Didi (big sister) Wai Jia, children from another orphanage at school came and told they cannot bring waterbottle or brush teeth anymore because no more water at their home!"

There are no smooth roads. There is no clean air in the city. People dig random holes along the roads in desperate hope of finding water. There are so many orphans, mostly girls, because nobody wants them. Whatever sewage system they have in place obviously does not work. There is no light at night. Their main foods are rice, achar (chilli paste) and dhal (bean soup). Many children don't have the chance to attend school.

Village children

Whatever we take for granted, they don't even have. We go into their worlds, to understand what ours really means. How can I complain about city traffic when there are smooth roads to drive on and street lamps at night? How can I complain about work when I have the privilege to study? How could I complain about petty family issues when I have the privilege of having domestic help at home, or when the girls don't even have parents?

"Didi Wai Jia, did you come from a Home (orphanage) too?" a little one asked. And how her countenance fell when I replied, "No darling, I live with my mummy and daddy."

How the missionaries have spent the last decade serving the poor and needy there, will always make me wonder in awe at the love God has worked through them. "We live a day at a time."

And so we spent ten days together, laughing, eating, sleeping, playing and praying. We admired the mountains, basked in the warm sunshine on the wintry rooftop, played with funny toy spectacles which tickled you all so much, washed dirty clothes together and sang the songs you still remember, those I taught you a whole three years ago. And then we went crazy running about in the open fields, running and running against the cold, frosty wind, with the wind in my crazy hair and you shouting and chasing one another, sometimes cheating ha, running wild till the skies changed their hues, till I surrendered because I was shivering in the cold.

Running crazy in open fields

And when the time finally came to bid farewell, a timely bout of food poisoning hit me before I left you but I was so grateful because of the time we spent together. And though it was really terrible trying to get my luggage around and trying hard not to puke, I knew every bit of it was worth it.

"Didi Wai Jia, you coming again next year?"

I never make promises to children because I hate to break them. But I had signed up for a medical elective (internship) at a good mission hospital in Nepal sometime next year- so this time I said with a twinkle in my eye, "You pray okay? And I will too."

Thank you for teaching me how to be grateful. For God, for my country, for food, for friends and family.

"Be joyful always; pray continually;

give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

- 1 Thess 5:18

Grace.

“We moving in maybe sometime later dis year. I always teenk to myself you know, sister Wajar (Wai Jia), why is it God choose you to make something happen like dis. So many pe-ple come to Nepal but how did anybody knows something like dis would happen from Kitesong?”

Within minutes I was in tears. The missionary who had driven his dusty, sand-covered jeep to come pick me from the airport, filled with the aroma of Nepal, was trying to express his gratitude to me. Since my first visit to Nepal, the children at the orphanage had had to move twice (a harrowing experience) because of the high rent, and it was hoped through fundraising from Kitesong, enough money would be raised to buy a permanent piece of land, where the children could grow up in peace and stability finally.

“Why is it dat God choose you?” he asked again, as we drove through the dusty, spartan Kathmandu city, winding through the dusty, smoky winding roads thronged with motorbikes, scooters and trucks. He had meant to say that God had a plan, and a specific purpose for my being there but it was at that point, when I smelled that familiarly nostalgic smell of Nepal, when I saw the beautifully stark houses and mountain ranges, heard the gorgeously languid accent of Nepalese, that it hit me- God chooses who He wants to use not because we’re better, more special, more loved- but merely, simply, of his great grace.

Grace. More than just a floozy, spiritually abstract word, it simply means receiving what you don’t deserve.

Like each one of my birthday presents, my birthday surprises, a ticket to a Coldplay concert and this trip to Nepal-which, if not for my parents’ generosity and love for me as birthday gifts, I would not have the chance to enjoy. The honour and privilege to live with these missionaries, people who’ve given their lives wholly for the benefit of others. The awe of seeing how God used a naïve idea to change the lives of needy children. What privileges, indulgences which I don’t deserve.

We can choose to demand, choose to be disappointed, or choose not to expect, and to count our every blessing. Over here, the people are experiencing a shortage of water, gas and electricity. The missionaries here can choose to complain about the dust, the fact that we don’t have electricity 16 hours a day every day, or thank God for the well which we can draw water from, thank Him for the 8 hours we do have electricity, thank Him for the blessings which come our way.

Tis a topsy turvy world we live in. That we receive when we release, we are lifted up when we bow down, we are blessed when we least expect it. Sometimes, in an upside down world, perhaps it is when we view the world from heaven’s perspective that things are set the right side up again.

“Why is it dat God choose you?” That question still rings in my mind.


God’s grace. How his great love washed down upon me.


One by one, the children ran up to hug me in the chilly, wintry afternoon. They were waiting, and I took in with surreal amazement the reality that I was back to see them- these children whose pictures are all over my bedroom walls. They were in a new, cheaper place which was far, far smaller, with hardly any space to play or be free, waiting to finally move into a permanent place they could call home.

It was beautiful, just being in their midst again.

I am learning- very often, it is when we let go that we receive His blessings. It was when I was ready to let go and say it was just too expensive to re-visit Nepal, that I just had to release the ministry to God that I was blessed with a ticket; it was when I decided that even watching Coldplay with the cheapest ticket would be an extravagance that I got one of the best seats as a gift; it was when I didn’t know any better that God could act like He knew best.

And it reminds me, that God chooses us for different purposes. And it is our attitudes he is most concerned about. When we are humble, he lifts us up; when we empty ourselves, he fills us up; when we understand that we have no right to anything we own, and start from the basis that everything we have is a blessing, a sign of God’s grace, then truly we can exult in joy and bask in the freedom of gratitude and everything becomes a true blessing..

Special Sunday. (edited)

"Wai Jia, will you come to the front and stand here with me. We want to pray with you as a church to honour and encourage you, to use the gifts and talents God has blessed you with."

I was overwhelmed. This was no ordinary person saying those words, and no ordinary audience to me. This was my senior pastor, the man whom I hold in deep respect and awe, and the people I loved, the people in my precious White Place, the uncles and aunties and brothers and sisters who've encouraged and loved me generously even if they couldn't remember my name. And as my senior pastor introduced Kitesong to the church and shared with them its Cause, I tried very hard not to cry in front of what must have been more than a thousand people.

A year ago, I would have swelled with arrogance and false humility. But now, with God having broken and chastened me in His tough love, I have learnt, that this all is His grace and love to me, and it is my privilege, not my right, to be used in such an undeserving and exciting way. God knows His timing best.

There were four of us at the front. The other three writers were a pastor, a homemaker and a lady working in the media ministry.

"Church, pray with me. Today we will pray for the writers of our church." And as the entire congregation of people started to pray, their hearts bursting with that love which ushered me into this Place in the first place, I felt God's presence swell and billow in the sanctuary like a huge balloon, with tears welling up behind my eyes. "God, please bless these children of yours with an anointing to write, that they may use Your gifts diligently, and write even more books to honour You in time to come. Church, let's honour these people today."

Honour. That was Pastor Yang's topic for Sunday. And as the word left his mouth, I saw a crown flash before my eyes as I remembered the lady who, a few months ago, said she 'saw' a crown upon my head. Her vision came true. For at that moment, Recovered, affirmed and deeply encouraged by the undeserved honour so generously lavished upon me, I truly did feel like my kingdom had been Restored to me.

My mind is clear now. No longer bound in depression or sin, I can think. Write. Paint, again.

After both services, some lovely people came up to make donations and purchases of the book and DVD. One elderly woman whom I'd never met came up to me to ask if she could pray for me. "God, I see so many tears in this young woman's life, and I pray You always let her know how precious each tear is to You..." I wasn't even crying then. When I opened my eyes though, hers were filled with tears streaming down her wrinkled cheeks.


It was a Special Sunday- the first since I was officially declared Restored, and it coincided perfectly with my pastor's decision to honour the people whom he felt needed to be encouraged. "God, please bless these children of yours with inspiration to write for Your glory."



I want to write again. I want to buy Paper and a new watercolor paint set. I want to sit on a train to nowhere with a cup of rosehip and hibiscus tea and paint the bleeding sunset. And I want to always remember, that Inspiration comes from God always, that every book must have a Cause, that the day I sell myself to write for money or fame, will be the day that all my Inspiration dies. Oh God, help my frailty.


A few Stories have been brewing in my head. But this time, I just want to wait on God, and allow Him to open the doors for me, the way He did with Kitesong, instead of plunging headfirst into a flurry of mindless activity. Lately, an opportunity presented itself- someone wanted to sponsor a children's book commercially- but I told them I couldn't do it unless there was a Cause behind it. Ironic how when Kitesong was launched and I realised it wouldn't be in commercial bookstores, I was, to be honest, a little disappointed. But now, with such an attractive offer staring at me back in the face, I had to consider it precisely because it was for commercial, not charitable reasons. How amazing God is, that His love makes us grow into maturity.

This time, I want to surrender my gifts and wait on God.

Amazing how in the same week, The Professional People told me without my asking Them, "We haven't forgotten your second book A Taste of Rainbow, you know. It may very well happen, but we're planning for say... 2011."


2011. The year I graduate. The year my life would prove my full relapse-free recovery. The year my father had said before would be a good year to have A Taste of Rainbow published- I'd be a doctor by then.


No two books will ever be the same. And there shall be no point in comparing the following with Kitesong- for what matters, is what God wants to do with them, with me, with my hands.


God, all inspiration and providence comes from You. Will you take these hands of mine, and use them. I want to Write and Paint for You.

"Pour Your Spirit over me,

Let Your love rain down.
Would You take these hands of mine,

And use me.

Would You take these feet of mine,

And lead me

To the poor, the needy and the weak,

That's where You are."

-Spirit of the Sovereign Lord

by Vineyard

Christmas Gifts.

After two years since the book was published, the Kitesong DVD is finally ready and launched.

Thank you for walking this journey with me. The past two years have been intense- fundraising, medical school, depression, anorexia, trusting God and finally, restoration and new life. I have learnt:

- that there was a reason the DVD took two years to arrive- I had not yet been broken, not yet been battered enough to root myself in humility and deep faith, not yet... ready. "Should we not see that our Root is right, before expecting flowers and fruit?" -Amy Carmichael.

- that it was no coincidence I took the same two years to sicken, crumble, die, heal, grow and be restored again.

- that everything has its timing, that we mustn't rush nor tarry, that when we let go and let God, everything falls into place perfectly.

- that as with all things, I can let go and simply, trust.


The Kitesong DVD is being sold at $20 a copy to raise funds for underprivileged children and youth, contributing to their holistic education, equipping them with skills for gainful employment, to help these precious lives reach their full potential. It is a digital animation of the book (like a mini-movie) put together by my publisher, national day composer Sydney Tan and Digitaldreams director Gilbert Yeo. Its reach will expand to touch lives beyond Nepal, in various developing countries all over the world. For reasons of privacy (it isn't linked to this space), I have put public fundraising details for Kitesong here. I hope you like the site.

The timely birth of the DVD also marks my recovery from depression and anorexia and I'd like to thank all of you who have walked me through the darkness. I truly hope you will enjoy the mini-movie, that your loved ones will be blessed by its message in tumultuous times such as these. To my friends, family, Ek and Aunty Af, thank you.

For my friends, I'd be happy to pass them to you personally if any of you would like to purchase them for yourselves, or as Christmas gifts for your loved ones. I'll carry a few copies with me at any time so feel free to let me know :)

Alternatively, you may purchase the DVD at The Methodist Church or call 64784818 for more information. No part of your donation will be used to cover the DVD as they have been fully sponsored, with much gratitude.

Thank you for walking with me, for celebrating restoration and victory with me. Thank you for your love and generosity. Your gift will mean so much to the hopes and dreams of an underprivileged child this Christmas season.

Love and blessings.

Like a Grain of Wheat.

Two weekends ago, we had a thanksgiving dinner at my publisher's home. It was Special, because it was the first time we all met together to give thanks for this humbling journey since Kitesong began. It was Special, because the Kitesong DVD (more details soon) had just been launched and it was the first time we all got together in one place to watch it. It was Special, because on that table filled with a sumptuous home-made spread, I discovered that I was set free, much recovered from that darkness of anorexia and depression, as I enjoyed the meal with ease and contentment, gratitude and joy.

I looked at the DVD cover and a flower of thanks bloomed within me, thanking God for the lessons I learnt about faith, humility and trust through this journey. Beneath the word Kitesong on the DVD cover were the credits in small font, and I knew deep down inside that it was Him who deserved the most credit of all.


The Kitesong DVD is His, not ours, nor mine.


When the first draft of the DVD cover, designed by my publisher, was sent to me, it was perfect, except for one thing- my name, just right there in large print, stood out like a sore thumb. I didn't put the DVD together- it is the product of the initiative and generosity of my publisher and his beautiful wife, the genuinity of one of national day composers-Sydney Tan, and the digital animation of Digidreams director Gilbert Yeo himself. The DVD helps to raise funds for needy children and youth all over the world- and it was Ps Norman (who heads the Methodist missions society that runs all these orphanages) who suggested expanding the cause to benefit more children.

So we took my name in large print off the cover, save for the credits in small font, and it felt right that way. After all, the DVD was truly a collaborative effort, and my publisher and his wife claimed no credit, though they sponsored and thought of it.


It was through a little child which God spoke to me, about being small and humble enough to be used by Him. The smaller we are, the bigger God can be for us. It echoed Loren Cunningham's words (founder of Youth With A Misson): God can't use you if you're proud.

I was at Sunday School at my White Place, talking to kids again. I love children, and I always like to ask them for their favourite colours, after which I ask them to guess mine. Little Sarah exclaimed randomly, "PURPLE AND YEELLOOW!!"

Whatever answer they give is undoubtedly right because I love all colours. "Yes!" I answered in mock astonishment and excitement, much to her delight, "How did you know?" I watched her squirm in childish glee.

"Haha, and I have one more favorite colour. That's WHITE. Colour of my dress, see?"


At this juncture, I always ask, "Darling, do you remember my name?"

Most of them can't remember, for a chinese name can be quite a mouthful for young ones. I've seen frowns, sheepish smiles, tiny fingers scratching their heads, but nothing prepared me for Little Sarah's response, and the revelation I got from it.


" CAN I CALL YOU JIEJIE (big sister) WHITE-DRESS?"


"What? Haha, my name is Wai Jia, dear. Try again- wwwaaaaii jiiiiia. Jiejie Wai Jia."



"JIE JIE WHITE-DRESS!!!"


It was like a veil from a window was torn before me, and the sunshine brightened a darkened room.


The more I know God, the more I see the importance and beauty of a humble heart, one which works in quietude and faithfulness, without need for affirmation, recognition or applaud from the world.


Little Sarah made me question if I could find complete fulfillment behind the scenes, let God be Big for me, without needing a gold medal on my breast, and my name to claim credit for. She brought me back to the beginning, where all our gifts and experiences are from God, where we can give thanks for everything, with humility and gratitude, because nothing I have is mine. She reminded me of the thousands of nameless missionaries who give up their whole lives for others, working faithfully and silently for the good of others, without their names splashed across headlines for the wonderful work they do.


Can I be like a grain of wheat? Humble and small, nameless, and yet full of potential, able to be used by God to bless others?


And as I fingered the DVD cover, I thanked God for the joy in my heart, which would never have been there two years ago. It went against the old me- and I felt His pleasure when I found myself different, able to let things go, happy and utterly content.


I think about how my life has changed since I found my life with God, how Kitesong has transformed my perspective on so many things, how more and more, I find joy and fulfillment in simplicity, humility, and quietness. I think about White, about how as a citizen of God's White kingdom, I have the privilege to marvel at the Bigness of heaven instead of myself.


I think about White light, how though it illuminates all creation around it in incandescent beauty and truth, it is in itself invisible.


For all its worth, it claims no credit.


And then I find myself, though having my human ego just a tad short of being slightly bruised, having a heart of thanksgiving and being courageous, confident and carefree to say in reply to Little Sarah....


... "Yes darling Sarah. You can call me Jiejie White-dress."

" The characteristic of a devoted life to God

is its seeming insignificance and its meekness.

It is like a grain of wheat that

'falls to the ground and dies'-

it will spring up and change the entire landscape- (John 12:24)."

-paraphrased from

My Utmost for His Highest, Owsald Chambers

"He must increase, but I must decrease."

-John 3:30