No fear!

The past few days have been a whirlwind- what with preparing for press releases and the upcoming book launch, getting random phonecalls from various insitutions and getting invited for talks and interviews, delivering books to different places, shooting text messages and emails to and fro, planning for TV appearances and radio interviews, getting the project's website together. All this, in between seeing patients and studying my last few chapters on Paediatrics, ha.

It looks like the next 2 weeks will be punctuated with interviews from the press. And a lot of other unexpected surprises.

With so many things happening, a part of me is afraid of getting caught in the frazzle and afraid of screwing up. Saying the wrong thing! Liasing with the wrong person! Having to deal with miscommunication! Getting told off (again!) Argggh.

I've never done this sort of thing before.



What if I say something silly? What if people misintepret me? What if things turn out wrongly?



Bah. I'm only human. I'm taking my final exams in 2 weeks. (Yea, don't worry, I'm putting off the non-urgent talks and all till after my finals).



I'm just gonna do my best-for both my exams and the project. And pray that people's lives will be touched. And let God do the rest.



I just need a big dose of self-encouragement, and a lot of fruit tea, ha. Somehow, I've faith that God'll see me through these mountains.



Okay God, I'm counting on ya. So here goes my self-encouragement:

No fear! Have faith! NO screw ups!

(and so what if i do, ha!)

Cheers to courage!


"Fear never wrote a symphony or poem,

negotiated a peace treaty,

or cured a disease.

Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry.

Fear never saved a marriage or a business.

Courage did that. Faith did that.

People who refused to consult with or cower to their timidity did that.”

- Max Lucado

Prayer requests:

Please pray for me,

for wisdom, clarity and favour;

for Rainbow to touch many lives,

and...

... to pass! :)

(Final exams on 8-27 March.)

Thank you!

Hot off the press.

Rainbow is finally out!


Book launch is on 26 Feb!


At a public forum to promote awareness of eating disorders!

Come if you know someone suffering,
Bring them along if their hearts are open.

Or simply,
come,

just because you want to learn more about this unspoken thing,

You never know
when you may help someone else in need in future.

A Taste of Rainbow will be distributed free
as part of a public education project
in bookstores and selected national library branches.

Kinokuniya, Books Actually, Birds & Co, NUS Counselling Centre, CHAT Hub at SCAPE ,

& selected NLB libraries.

More details soon.

Public Forum & Book Launch Details:
26 February 2011, Saturday
9.30am – 12.30pm
The Pod @ The National Library
Fee: $5 per person (includes tea break)
$8 per person for same-day registration

Limited seats available,

so register now by emailing your name & contact details to:
ed.publicforum@sgh.com.sg or call Raji @ 6327 9879 today.


Program

9:30–10.00am: Registration

10.00–10:05am: Welcome Address

10:05–10:25am: What are Eating Disorders?
by Dr Ng Kah Wee, Registrar
Dept of Psychiatry, SGH

10:25–10:45am: Medical Complications of Eating Disorders
by Dr Kumudhini Rajasegaran
Head, General Paediatrics & Adolescent Medicine Service KKWCH

10:45–11.15am: Tea Break

11.15–11:35am: Treatment of Eating Disorders
by Dr Lee Huei Yen
Director, SGH Eating Disorders Treatment Program
Dept of Psychiatry, SGH

11:35–11:55am: Getting Help for You or Your Loved One
by Ms Netty Ryanie
Senior Staff Nurse, Specialty Care, SGH

11:55–12:10pm Book Launch ~ “A Taste of Rainbow”
by Tan Wai Jia

12:10–12:30pm Question & Answer Session

Thank you God,

for Rainbows.

Take that step.

I was excited and anxious and giddy with joy and fear about coming to this moment.

The Professional People had told me before, that for Rainbow (my next book) to work, for it to achieve its cause of bringing hope to those who were hurting and raising awareness about this treacherous thing called Anorexia, I had to be comfortable with sharing my story. I had to be comfortable with my past and present. I had to be comfortable with the media.

It's not easy.

The Mighty People had warned me before, that this was a Dangerous path to choose. It could affect my career, my life plans, my image. People will mark you down for your past. It is not a forgiving society. Once you go public with the book and your previous illness, there will be no turning back. They had warned me against it.

But God is funny, with ways and thoughts higher than ours. Who would have thought that the committee which gave me the award thought this as courage. Who would have thought that the award was timed just perfectly before the launch of Rainbow, that I may be encouraged and affirmed?

Faith, is all about trusting in the unseen and what we do not yet have. It's about following your heart in spite of naysayers.

Like going to Nepal during the rioting. Like writing my first book. Like learning to cycle and picking up triathlon. Like booking my flight tickets to Africa to visit this ministry- this time this next trip really scares me (3 flights to get there-golly!) All the choices which instilled most fear in me turned out to be the most life-changing ones.

So here goes. Yea, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of screwing up, afraid of consequences and afraid of the process. But that's okay.

That's okay.



from: here

"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything.

Take care of yourself and your friends.

Have fun, be crazy, be weird.

Go out and screw up!

You're going to anyway,

so you might as well enjoy the process.

Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes:

find the cause of your problem and eliminate it.

Don't try to be perfect;

just be an excellent example of being human."

- Anthony Robbins


Your past is just a story.

And once you realize this it has no power over you.”
— Chuck Palahniuk


"Be strong and of good courage,

do not fear nor be afraid of them;

for God is the One who goes with you.

He will not leave you nor forsake you. "

- Deuteronomy 31:6

The Driver's Seat.

"Have you noticed, that... your life has been very... challenging?"

I knew she was on to something. And I knew, she was about to help me discover something magical, something that smelled refreshing and nostalgic and ancient and fresh. So I stayed on track, trying to catch a whiff of the trail.

"Yea, I have. But what am I to do?"

Silence.

"So, what are you saying?" I asked, smiling a little, not wanting to sound confrontational.

"What I'm saying is, I've noticed that your life seems to consist of climbing one mountain after the next, and all I'm wondering is, whether you feel tired, and if you exercise enough self-care. Like what we talked about at our last session."

We were on the topic of my next book. About it going to be published soon, about the difficulties which came with it and which will come along with it. We were talking about my upcoming final examinations, my ruminations about how my previous illness had taken away what I wished it hadn't. We were talking about that recurrent topic in our conversations, about that melancholic sense of lonliness inside of me because of my desire to do missions and to live my life differently.

"So how does doing all these things make you feel?"

"I mean, I guess I feel fulfilled. But to be honest, sometimes I do feel lonely. I mean, on the outside it looks great. Like, people think I have it all together- studies, community service, friends etc. But hey, I only got 24 hours in a day, so something's gotta go- I end up doing a lot of "purposeful" things. You're right. Sometimes, I get tired. And it feels lonely. But I mean, I've come to accept it- because, I feel called to do this sorta thing."

"Sure."

Silence.

"But I guess, part of the roller-coaster bit of my life, part of my previous illness was because I tried so hard to be in control. There're so many factors in life- I can't control the results of my studies, I can't control my future residency, I can't control what people think of me, I can't control where I'll be headed next, so the eating disorder was the best way for me to feel in control."

"Absolutely."

Silence.

"So do you see, how you've compartmentalised God? Like you give Him control over this, this and this, but not over that, that and that? And because of that, do you see how you tend to climb your own mountains, one after another, to experience that temporary high? But they're barren mountains. They're all barren. All that unecessary drama was from you driving by yourself because you feared that God would take you elsewhere you feared you wouldn't be able to cope."

Epiphany moment.

"Yea... you're... right."

Do you, like me, struggle to be in the driver's seat? Do you fear the change in scenery, the feeling like you don't know where you're being driven to, and if you'd be taken to a place where, gasp, you might not be able to cope?

I know I do.

I've always striven to be behind the wheel, so I think I know exactly where I'm going. The truth is, even with both hands behind the steering wheel, we never do. How can we, for only God knows our futures and our lives. The ironic part is, we, in our ignorance, in spite of our best intentions, then often drive ourselves up mountains that we were never meant to climb.

"Why do you want to drive up barren mountains, when God wants to bring you to lusher, grander, more beautiful mountains on the other side? Has it occurred to you, that perhaps, in spite of all your fears about not knowing where He might take you, you may very well be driving yourself up a far more difficult terrain than what He has planned for you?"

I thought about my previous illness, my publishing journey in writing and illustrating books as well as my self-striving in terms of training in triathlon. I saw the common pattern of how my own ideas of success became my own stumbling blocks- caused me unecessary afflictions, anxiety and injuries. It was time-consuming and on restrospect, silly.

God wants to bring us to grander scenery- why do we fear? He wants to take us on the best ride. His cross for us to bear may not be as big as the ones we impose on ourselves.

"So yea, continue to let go. Let Him take over the wheel."

Towards the end, I brought up an issue which I had been thinking about a great deal over the past few months. About a friendship which I wanted to cut off and abandon because I was too afraid.

"I mean, this is crazy. What's going to happen?"

"Precisely. You don't know. Let God decide, let Him drive. Because when you do, you'll feel a sense of freedom."

"Aw man, no. You don't understand, this is a mountain coming. You said that my life is full of roller coasters, didn't you? This is, for sure, going to be a huge mountain and He's driving me right into it! I haven't been able to stop it, He drove me right into it!"

"Who said life was about avoiding mountains?"

"Ah, I see. So it's about climbing the right ones."

"Exactly. And as far as I'm concerned, this is the one opportunity where you can finally give God the chance to show you that He's a better driver than you."

Okay God, I'm getting out of the driver's seat and onto the passenger seat. But before you take off and hit the road, let me fasten my seat-belts. I know you're a safe driver and will never let me come to harm, but I know, you're a much bigger adventure junkie than I could ever be.

Let go. Let Him take over.

And hang on tight.

“For this is God, our God forever and ever;
He will be our guide even to death.”
- Psalm 48:14

Respect.

I heard about her during a running clinic I had attended yesterday. Everyone present had an old injury and were hoping to learn pain-free running. I ran alongside a Canadian triathlete going for a training course with KONA 2010 Champion Mirinda Carfrae. "Chrissie didn't compete this year," she told me.

"Who's Chrissie?" I said, ignorantly.

The KONA IronMan World Championships just ended. The IronMan consists of a 1.9km swim, a 180km bike ride, and a full 42.2km marathon back-to-back-to-back. This year, all-time favourite, nine-time IronMan race winner, and three-time KONA champion Chrissie Wellington didn't compete. She fell ill.

Thinking about the amount of time, passion and dedication invested in her hobby, sport and career, I can hardly begin to imagine the amount of anguish, disappointment and grief she must have felt on waking up only days before the event, the event she had trained and aimed for all year round, which her friends, family, supporters and nation had supported her to not only complete, but win.

A headache and a bad throat comes in forefront of a background of endless hours of gruelling training over the past year. What does one do? All that brutal training all gone down the drain. Or has it?

In life, the unexpected often happens. You plan for further studies but your mum falls prey to cancer. You plan a trip but an earthquake happens there. Life is foiler of our best made plans.

Have you ever had to let go of something you thought you couldn't? Or do you see these "foiled" moments as opportunities for growth and self-reflection?

She didn't compete. And for that, for her response to not competing, she has earnt my respect. In that decision, she has brought glory to the sport. She set an example for others, budding athletes and professionals, as well as normal people like us, to love and respect our body and to honour the sport.

For all that triathlon represented-her life and career and heart and soul, she didn't let it possess her. Instead, in view of circumstances, she let it go. She had amazing strength, but more importantly, beautiful, beautiful courage. She had the maturity, courage and humility to say, not this year. She understood what it meant- the letting go of something she had pressed on so hard for, with the risk of disppointing many who had placed their hopes and invested themselves in her. In spite of all that pressure, she said no.

I have seen many, many people go on race day with an illness or injury, because they couldn't let it go. To me, that is dishonouring the sport. Triathlon teaches us to respect our body, there is no other way to finish a triathlon- I should know. There are still a few more races I'd like to do which I have yet to complete.

When people talk about "loving their bodies" or "loving themselves", they tend to mean the external appearance. After all, how many times have you heard people hating their thighs, or their hair or their legs. I am guilty. But your loving your body also means its inside bits, not just the soul or the spirit, but the ligaments, the arteries, the muscles- everything unseen.

Riding at 40kmph again taught me the importance of respecting one's body. The Big boys did 3 loops down the coast. I did 2. And that was enough. I went home and finished studying what I had set out to study that day. That is honouring the sport. It is giving it its proper time and place in our lives.

And in doing that, we honour God.

In the previous video, in spite of how inspiring it all was, I was disturbed when the man said he was "happy" only when he had finished those races. I like to believe that the happiness came more from the journey of understanding himself and loving his community than from its achievements. Reading this about honouring one's body and one's sport was, to say the least, inspiring.

I still wake up some days wishing I had better legs, that I could run or swim or bike better, that my hair wasn't so dry and I was leaner, but more importantly, I've come to enjoy steak and the occasional burger every once in a while, and learn the importance of loving and respecting my body, inside and out. It means being able to push it, to allow some indulgence, and being able to say no, and to let go.

2011 will be a new race year.

"For you created my inmost being,

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

When I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me,

Were written in your book, before one of them came to be..

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139: 13-18

Buddies.

While working on the final touches of A Taste of Rainbow and finalising the thank-you page, I found myself heaving a sigh of relief when I remembered to thank a group of people I never thought of thanking before, and yet, were key to my recovery from clinical depression and anorexia.

I had thanked my family, my friends, the sponsors, the insitution, the church, God, but had forgotten to thank the group of people who probably had the greatest impact on the speed of my recovery.

Special thanks to:

my triathlon and cycling buddies,
who taught how to bike, and to enjoy food and life.

There was nothing and yet, everything spiritual about this. It intrigued me to find myself putting this line in between the lines of thanking my church and God.

When I met Mr. Ho, my ex-college teacher for tea today, he showed me a video. I didn't cry when I watched it, but I cried later that day as I thought about my cycling buddies, and God's timing in healing my leg and bringing the book to a new level of progress at the same time. Mr Ho said, "The thing that I take away from the video is the importance of community. When the man ran past the finish line, he hugged his dad."

I said something different. What I had taken away, was the celebration of the human spirit, but also, a sense of taintedness. Sports has tainted us, because we have assumed its pride and sense of individualism.

Later that day, however, as I pondered over many things while waiting for the train, I found myself surprised at a tiny trickle of tears.

I realised, that Mr. Ho was right, that what triathlon and cycling had given me, was not so much the achievement of the sport, or the glamour or the pride, but really, a sense of community, of belonging and love and cameraderie. And that was what saved me, what gave me confidence and assurance and friendship. The sport gave me a fellowship, a fellowship perhaps as strong or stronger than the church, that protected me from depression, because these people keep bugging me every once in a few days for a run or a ride or a swim. And when I don't show up, they text message, facebook, call me, or show up on my doorstep with flowers or food or just to say hi, can I use your pool? Haha.

They watch out for me when I ride, because I'm not a safe rider. They ride in front of and behind me just so they can look out for cars for me. They turn back when they don't see me. They make sure I enjoy the post-workout food with them. They take me out for icecream and drinks and to places I would otherwise not go. They bought me my new bike.

They don't judge me for my speed. And they don't force me to drink. They train early and so hardly stay up late. They don't make me feel like I don't measure up, even though they're fast and good. It's funny, I probably expose the most amount of flesh when I'm training with them compared to while I'm at work but I feel least self-conscious with them.

I'm really too embarrassed to share this with most of them because they're all big guys, like the macho type, and I know they'd just go like.... huh, okay. Cool.

When I watched the video again, I saw it wasn't his achievement which inspired me, as much as the sense of community and love that surrounded him, not at the end, but during his journey. I realised, that the most beautiful thing about sport, is not human endeavour, or human achievement.

It's human community. That's what saves souls.

Thanks for saving mine. See yall on the ride this Saturday.

Things Unseen.

Somehow, I knew God had a hand in it.

You see, as medical students in our clinical years, we rotate around various hospitals in Singapore so much that we rarely spend more than a month or two in a single hospital. Surgery, internal medicine, paediatrics, dermatology, infectious disease etc... for each specialty, we move to a different location.

Alisha is the 4-year old girl from Nepal whom my missionary friend and I were involved with to coordinate a cochlear implant surgery in Singapore some time last year. I remember, both times Alisha had been scheduled to fly in for her speech and hearing therapy appointment at the National University Hospital, I had happened to be scheduled there for my postings as well. It was because of that, that I was able to visit her and accompany her for her therapy sessions. Not once, but twice.

Mdm H is the lovely lady whose waterbag had burst only slightly more than midway through her pregnancy. I remember, she made a huge impact on me because of her joy in spite of her circumstance. Most women can be moody and emotional during their pregnancy because of the hormonal changes and various other stressors. (Pregnancy in itself can be very stressful.) Yet, in spite of such a huge setback, with news of her baby needing to be born prematurely and possibly facing many risks and future complications, Mdm H remained positive, strong and held on firmly to her belief that God was in control- not out of ignorance, but sheer faith. I remember, the two times she text messaged me to inform me she was carrying her baby boy to the hospital for followup visits with the doctor, I had happened to be allocated to that hospital as well. Because of that, we could catch up and I could visit her son. She wrote about our 1st and 2nd meeting. In my time of self-doubt and despair, she gave me immense encouragement.

Mdm S is the strong parent whose faith and strength shall always be etched in my memory. Her 3-year old son, E, has been in and out of hospital for bloatedness due to a kidney problem. The week her son was warded happened to be the week when I was posted to that hospital as well. Because of that, I could visit and tell him funny stories where we laughed ourselves silly, and pray together with Mdm S.

Qing is the amazing young woman from China with a grossly disfigured face. Having had acid poured all over her beautiful face when she was 14 by her elder sister's vengeful boyfriend, she had been almost blind for 5 years before Dr. Tan Lai Yong, a Singaporean doctor who had been serving the needy in China for more than a decade, flew her in to Singapore for various skin and eye treatments, and took her to various meetings to speak about her experience. Her simple joy and faith in a God whom she believed loved her immensely would bring tears to those who heard her story.

On the second day of my Ophathalmology rotation 6 months back, I remember bumping into her at the waiting room. She happened to be scheduled to see my professor, who was her doctor.
Yesterday, I received a text message from her saying she would be at the Eye Centre again. Incidentally, even thought I am now doing my dermatology rotation at a different hospital, I had been scheduled weeks ago for an appointment with my therapist there on the same morning. Perfect.

So many times, it seemed as if God had allowed these special arrangements to take place so that I would have the chance to enjoy these very special moments. Coincidence? On so many occasions?

Today, Qing was there in her signature sunglasses which she uses to hide her eyes. Where her right eye should have been, is a red, fleshy piece of skin and some clear liquid dripping out. When I first met her, there was an ulcer and pus- things had improved since then. Her other eye, with a severely damaged eyelid and only a few eyelashes, had undergone 2 previous corneal implants due to infections.

"I certainly hope the doctors will say my eyes have improved this time!"

She is almost blind. Before she met Dr. Tan a few years ago, she could see even less. She is now 22, almost my age.

Instead of being resigned to doing nothing, she spends her time making beautiful cloth flowers which she sells to raise support for herself and other victims of abuse in the Rehabilitation Centre at Kunming, China. On my 23rd birthday this year, instead of buying me more things I didn't need, my friends purchased the beautiful flowers made by her. They were sold in a flash.

She opened her wallet. "Wai Jia," she said in mandarin, "this is my old photo. This is how I looked like before. I was dancing in a performance, I chose this dress because I thought it looked so pretty."

I fell silent. She was so beautiful.

Doe-eyed and innocent, she was so beautiful at 13 before that fateful day. Now, her face was, by normal standards, hideous. No one would walk by her without taking a second look. She had one eye. Her face was a giant keloid. Half her nose was gone, her mouth was crooked. Part of her scalp was so badly damaged she had to cover it with her fringe.



This time, she came with a friend, HJ. When we had a quiet moment together away from Qing, I asked HJ, "Does Qing ever feel depressed?"

"No. Can't you see, she's always very cheerful."

"But how can that be? Surely she has difficult moments?"

I thought about how difficult it must be for her to face herself each day, how depressing it must be to feel ugly, blind and to have to apply creams, eyedrops, and wear contact lenses for one eye to prevent recurrent corneal infections on her only good eye. For myself, just a hamstring injury and a pelvic fracture had caused me so much grief- I had days feeling fat and ugly, and couldn't imagine how it must be like for Qing.

"It happened so many years ago that she's learnt to cope. If anything, it's her elder sister who still copes with some guilt."

I knew HJ was telling the truth, because Qing once shared with me how God loves her so much that He sent angels to bring her from China to Singapore, people to sponsor her multiple operations in Singapore which cost tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars, and doctors to see her for free.

"He loves me so much. Why should I be sad?"

She is 22. This happened to her when she was 14.

I had to leave for my medical appointment. And it made me see how our every moment is a miracle, how many things there are which we can be grateful and thankful for. I was fed up with being injured, fed up with having to followup with my therapist regarding my old illness of anorexia, but she showed me how precious our life is, and how much we have to be grateful for for even having the chance to receive medical treatment.

Some time back, when I was back in the same place where I was treated learning about anorexia, but this time as a medical student, I found myself, during a tutorial, doodling (out of nervousness from hearing about my old illness being taught aloud). What I had drawn startled me, made me see that part of Ele still lives in my head. That was when I knew there was still work to be done.

Here we are worrying about how we look, how we appear in front of others, worrying about being fat or having acne or shoddy, when there is so much more to life. This afternoon at the dermatology clinic, we saw so many patients who came in wanting to know how they could get rid of their eyebags, skin creases or tiny skin tags less than 2mm in diameter.

Granted, these are valid urban anxieties, but do we forget, that somewhere out there, in a world different from ours, there are people living lives with such pure faith and joy, strength and courage in the face of tragedy, injustice and pain. Do we lose ourselves in our self-absorption.

"Qing, thanks so much for keeping in touch with me."

Thank you, for being a part of the many special encounters God has orchestrated to show me how gratitude and faith, courage and love, can make such a huge difference not only in our lives, but in the lives of those around us.

Thank you for showing us what it means to live life with such valour.

You may be almost blind, but you've opened our eyes to the things unseen.

"... while we look not at things seen,

but things unseen;

for things seen are temporary,

but things unseen are eternal..."

2 Cor 4:18

*Qing's pictures and story published with permission.

Lessons from my Injury.

One day this week I woke up, realised I am definitely the heaviest but possibly the most comfortable, secure and happiest I have ever been in my life:

I realised that your mistakes can break your hip, but God won't let them break your spirit.

I realised that good friends are those who can love you 14 kilos up and down, and still say you look like a bomb any day, because they see you for who you are inside, and who you could become, not who you are now, and how you look on your worst or best day.

I realised how important it is not to succumb to external pressure, how important it is to say, NO THANK YOU. I appreciate your advice, but I have my own way of doing things. It's okay to say that sometimes.

I realised that putting on weight has its benefits- it gives you free boobs.

I realised that God can use our illnesses and circumstance to teach us lots about ourselves.

I realised, I'm a sucker for intensity and addictions-I know I get a high from sucking the marrow out of any aspect of life, be it in my studies, art, sport or adventures. But this is certainly a lesson I will remember for life. I realised that as much as I value discipline, I need to have the discipline to draw lines, say no, know when to Stop.

I realised this injury was a big blessing in disguise. It gave me time to reflect upon the furious plunge into sports over the past year, it gave me space to think through and consolidate my thoughts, it gave me fresh insights and new revelations into my motivations, and purified them.

I realised that truly, this was the perfect time to sustain an injury- during my final year before my exams so I could finally settle down and focus, instead of spreading myself so thinly. The time I spent away from the road and on my books was very valuable, and helped me establish my confidence and focus in the wards again. I realised God has indeed been merciful.

I realised that God loves us so much that He sometimes waits to heal us (even though He could do it in a jiffy) because we take time to learn certain lessons. I realised that more than sacrifice or swears or vows, He treasures a surrendered heart that says, okay, I can do with or without.

All these revelations were revealed to be little by little over the past 4 months, and consolidated over the past week.

So I suppose it was apt timing when Dr. Ben Tan showed me my X-ray and said, "You can start running now," I knew it was because God had finally got his lessons through that thick skull of mine.

For my medicine juniors- spot the pathology! (and note the scoliosis!)

"But I need you to stick to the programme I give you. Go slow, because this sort of injury is notorious for relapse. I need you to continue with physiotherapy, with your vitamin D and calcium and... I need you to change your bike saddle. No racing till after your finals. "

And I realised God wanted me to remember for life, the consequences of relying on a selfish, self-striving spirit the way Jacob did, because the next time my hamstrings and bone snap because of my self-sufficiency or greed, it could mean surgery.

"I think you can try a run today."

I was apprehensive, but all through the run, there was no pain, even though I was still experiencing pain a week back. Because of all the core work, pilates stretching, and myofascial release we had done during the period of rest to realign my muscles and bones, I was running with a far better posture than I ever did before. I used to run with a very unstable pelvic swagger, and a really bad forward tilt, as if there were weights tied to my neck. Now, I was running "as if there's a medal on your chest", as M would have said. I then realised, God puts rest in our lives sometimes to rebuild our core, to re-establish broken foundations, to realign our intents and purposes, thoughts and dreams.

"Your pain is there because of disuse, so we need to rehabilitate you. You've got to step up slowly. I think you need to wait a little more before you start biking again, but meanwhile, please start running. You need to."

I realised, sometimes God wants us to spend a little more time sorting ourselves out, because a period of fasting from our indulgences can be essential to spiritual progress. Today is Day 50 of my bike fast.

I realised, our sufferings never, ever go to waste. But sometimes, with a bit of common sense, we can certainly spare ourselves the heartache.

And I realised, what real friends truly mean. They can love you 14 kilos up and down, and walk you through every difficult step along the way. They don't dump you just because you don't can't do sports the way you used to. They don't rub salt into wound. They don't pressure you to return to what caused you to stumble at the expense of your recovery.

They encourage you when you feel like giving up, visit you when you're down, and patiently await your return- the way our King awaits our return Home, the way the father awaited his prodigal son's return.

The past 4 months of rest have been incredibly fruitful and fulfilling, in a different sense. I'm not sure if I would go to the extent to say that I wouldn't have changed anything had I the chance to live that fateful day of injury again, but I know for sure, the lessons learnt from this have been precious.

"You need to continue doing all the stretches and rehab work I've taught you, okay?" said my physiotherapist. She's a marathoner, swimmer and a pilates instructor as well. "You see, the human body is so exquisite, it needs to be in a constant state of BALANCE. That's why I don't just run, or swim, or cycle. Take a little bit from the best of everything and you'll stay injury-free, okay?"

I realised, the most important lesson I learnt, was balance. How to balance my work and play, sport and health, calling and duty, friends and family. My injury was primarily due to a muscle imbalance. It is most commonly sustained when the quadriceps is more than 60% stronger than the hamstrings.

It's all about poising yourself on the straight and narrow path, I suppose.

I've still a long way ahead to recovery, but it certainly felt good to run again, even if it was only for a short while.

Thank you God.

J, me and T stealing a shot before sitting for our paediatrics paper-

Love you two to the sky and back :)

"He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds...

...His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,

nor his delight in the legs of a man;

God delights in those who fear him,

who put their hope in his unfailing love.

-Psalm 147:3, 10, 11

Unless You Bless me.

She was a little old lady walking with a walking stick. But she walked in grand. There was a certain majesty to her, a certain royalty. She was elderly, but every bit of her was put together. With not a strand of her blonde hair out of place, she tottered in purposefully in sheer black stockings and black heels. Clad in rich fuschia, she was a powerful sight to behold.

She opened her mouth and everybody fell silent.

To be real honest I wasn't paying much attention. My mind was drifting away, wondering why my whole body, especially the sitting bones in my hip were so sore after yesterday's physiotherapy.

"Jacob... was a fraud."

That made me sit up at once. That voice boomed around the large hall and rang in my ears. I knew God was speaking to me. Suddenly, I felt as if everybody was staring at me, as if they all knew about the folly of my injury.

Jacob means "heel grabber". It is the name of man in a story of the bible who, on being born with his twin brother, was seen grabbing his brother's heel. It is symbolic because all his life, he manipulated and cheated others, strived on his own and did all he could to get ahead in life. He stole his elder brother's birthright, among other terrible things.

But in spite of being the rascal that he was, God had mercy on him. One day, disguised as an angel, God seized Jacob when he was alone and wrestled with him till daybreak. Finally, the angel demanded for Jacob to let go. But Jacob continued to wrestle, and finally said, “I won’t let you go unless you bless me!”

I wrote about this before. But today, I had a new revelation. The angel was God, and had told Jacob to let go because the light of day would soon come and seeing God face to face would kill him. But Jacob persisted. Because of the hardship he had been through, he finally came to the point where he would rather die than live without God’s blessing.

In desperation, the angel touched Jacob's hip which broke, and touched his sinew so it shrank, so that Jacob would finally let go.

That was a life changing moment.

From then on, Jacob’s name was changed to Israel. That incident changed him, to stop scheming or striving, to start giving rather than taking and to start depending on God rather than relying on his own self-centred ways. The name “Jacob” represents independence from God while “Israel” represents dependence on God.

Jacob. That wrestling match he had with God was a perfect reflection of how I suffered my injury. Like Jacob, I tore my 'sinew' and broke my hip, too. Like Jacob, I have spent most of my life striving to get ahead. Isn't that how we were brought up? Top the class in primary school so you can get to a good seondary school. Top your class in seondary school to get to a well-known junior college. Top the standard in your junior college so you can get into medical school. And now, with the new medical resideny curriculum, you better be the best in your class to secure that spot in that highly sought-after specialty.

The world, with its promise of bouquets and endless applause, eggs you on. Come on, YOU can do it.

Cycling was just a reflection of my life in other areas: We are always humble when we feel inept. In the same way, I was always meek when I first learnt how to cycle just 2 years ago; But once we're good in something, the fleshly nature and the spirit of self-striving often takes over. In the same way, I started to train more and more to be better at something I was now good at- after all, isn't it good to excel? Ah... thin, thin lines.

She went on. "Jacob was a cheat...

... a trickster...

... a selfish man."

She said each word with such deliberation and force that every syllable resounded painfully in my head, "Jacob... was a rascal."

That's me, said a voice in my head. That's me she's talking about. Oh God, no.

"Then how is it that later on, God says that he could find no sin in such a terrible man like Jacob? How is it that He was always by his side to protect him? Because Jacob wrestled with God, and was determined to seek His blessing. He didn't deserve it, but God gave it to him as a display of His love and mercy. God could have killed him that day. Instead, He blessed Jacob."

She continued, "The greatest blessing to receive in your life is to have God be your Personal Judge, for Him to deal with you, even if it takes pain and suffering, even if it requires Him to prune you in a season of barreness. Your greatest blessing is in knowing He will never leave you alone. If you are not good, He will find a good opportunity indeed to teach you a good lesson you will never forget."

I was stunned. Then, I remembered in dismay, that Jacob walked with a permanent limp.

Since my injury, I have not been the same: I am heavier for sure. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I have had to adapt yet again to accepting my new body, and to cope with the residual damage that Ed left in my life. Undergoing physiotherapy and being still, helped me to see clearly how exercise was such a furtive form of self-indulgement, a source of pride, and a way to gain approval. It helped me see how tight and distressed my physical body has been because of overuse. Now, I ache after every session of physiotherapy because time is spent on releasing a lot of tight muscles not only in my injured site, but down the whole leg, the opposite leg, my back and my trunk.

A spirit of continual self-striving is destructive, indeed.

Finally, just when I felt sufficiently condemned and worthy to be stoned, the little old lady said slowly, purposefully, in a long drawl, "But we are ALL Jacobs."

Are you a Jacob too? Maybe you haven't broken anything, but do you feel tired, as if God is wrestling you down?

"But your greatest blessing is this, that God is committed to bringing you to the fulfillment of your calling. As long as you remain pliable and correctable, He will redeem, restore and release blessing in your life. Just as how through Jacob (or Israel, which was his new name) was blessed greatly, you will be too if you let God do His work of righteousness in you."

I was stunned. Didn't that explain that peace and joy I had within me?

Don't get me wrong. This injury has not been easy to deal with. I still have moments where I cry especially on friday nights when I used to get all my biking gear ready for my grouprides on Saturdays, because I know I might never ride again with my buddies like I used to. I have moments of moodiness because I feel unfit, fat, ugly or all the above. And I have times of shame in knowing that no matter what I feel, this is nothing compared to what many others have to deal with in life.

But the peace comes in knowing that through this, God answered my prayer. This has helped me remain focused on my final year of studies in medical school. This has freed me from the slavery of training and idolatry. This has helped me realign myself with Him. I am not happy with the pain and discomfort for sure, but I am joyful in knowing that I am closer to my calling. I am at peace in knowing that God is restoring me to a greater level of security with regards to my illness.

Cycling and sports was a means for God to teach me many lessons in life, a way to restore my eating habits and body to normalcy. And now that they have served their purpose, this injury has helped me to move on to other areas of development, which I would have neglected otherwise.

My old Jacob-self would have been ruined. But my new Israel-self says this experience is God's blessing. I must trust that it is.

At the end of the service, as she took her walking stick to leave, I went up to thank her because of what she illuminated to me about my situation.

"See this stick?" she said, "I had surgery some time back because of a cancer which wanted to take my leg. God sometimes allows illness in our lives because it's a way of refining and moulding us. We can be discouraged, defeated or in despair, or we can be determined. I chose to be determined. I told myself I would wear heels again." She smiled.

"I want you to remember this, that as absurd as it sounds, sometimes, being maimed is good. This body we have is so temporal. What matters is what God does inside of you. When we get to heaven, we shall all be restored. Remember, the evil one can take your body, but never your soul."

Tears started to stream down, but I knew she was right. That morning at Sunday School, I was scheduled to teach. Incidentally, the lesson plan required me to use an X-ray to illustrate the point that God can see through and into us, to refine our deepest motives. I used the pelvic X-ray of my injury and told them that God sees into our insides because that's what He's most concerned about. Now, the same lesson was being taught to me.

So no matter what you're facing right now, don't despair. Be determined, because like she said, God is committed to bringing you closer to fulfilling that calling in your life. Be brave and wrestle it out, and surely you will be blessed, even if or perhaps precisely because you held on until He blessed you.

I know He's preparing me.

Heaven, is near.

"It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled

than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire."

-Matthew 18:8

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.

Rather, be afraid of the One

who can destroy both soul and body in hell."

-Matthew 10:28

Osteopenia.

Sitting outside the scan room with a group of little old women, waiting patiently for my turn in a green gown, was a... unique experience, to say the least. I remember the shocked look of the staff when she saw my face. In that room, they had scanned thousands of elderly, wizened ladies. But last week, I was there too.

I guess I should've known the results, even without the test. But the doctor insisted, so I relented. Osteopenia, you have osteopenia, my dear. That explains your fracture.

A little old lady's disease. Calcium sapped from my bones during those few years of illness. Now coming back to haunt me through a pelvic fracture I got while biking. Without a fall.

I wasn't sure what it was about the confirmation which made my heart sink, which sucked a cloud over my head. Maybe it was wondering why things had to be this way even though I'd tried my very best with regards to recovering, had thought that with the publishing of A Taste of Rainbow, that chapter of my life was closed; Maybe it was thinking about all that money and time lavishly spent on therapy, and the exasperation of having to deal with the consequences of the illness all over again; Maybe it was the injury playing in my mind like a bad video, the thought that I would never bike again, would never run.

It still hurts. How can the injury still hurt while walking, while at rest. How can the opposite side hurt, too. The pain keeps evolving.

I suppose, it taught me, how life very often turns out differently from what school teaches it to be. We are told that if we work hard, run fast and have willpower, we will finish the race tops. But I am learning, that working hard, running fast and sheer willpower only melt into nothingness in the face of God's displeasure.

It is not because of my own intelligence that I am studying to be doctor. It is not by my own hard training that I ended up enjoying triathlon. It is not by my own merit or determination that I recovered from my illness, am recovering.

I am learning, it is because I was fortunate enough to be parented by good people, had the opportunity to develop my strengths in a fairly good environment, had the chance to grow up in a place without war, famine or disaster. I am learning, it is because I was fortunate enough to meet friends who loved me enough to want to help me enjoy the sport. I am learning, it is because I was blessed with meeting angels who opened up their homes and extended their arms to me to embrace me, heal me, help me through bad times.

I am learning, it is because of God's grace and mercy in my life.

Last week, I dreamt I was in a triathlon. When I came out of the water, I was disqualified because I didn't finish the swim. I ran back to the water, wanting to finish it, but no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't reach the pool... ... I was frantic. A few days ago, I dreamt that I was running, but no matter how hard I ran, I couldn't reach the finish line. It made me see, that part of my subconscious is obsessed about finishing life's race, be it a physical or spiritual one.

But unless I acknowledge that life's races are completed not by my own will, or strength, but by realising God's blessings in my life, His grace and mercy, I will forever be caught in a hamster wheel of self-striving. Remember Jacob? God made him walk with a permanent limp so he would learn his lesson well. Oh Lord, have mercy.

In both dreams, I didn't finish the race. I tried so very hard.

It worries me. Will I finish the race in life? I'm about to graduate. Very soon, I'll be a doctor. People are scrambling to beef up their resumes, apply for their specialties, climb up the ladder. Would I choose to be caught in the rat race too, or realise that I've a different dream, my heart belongs to a different place, and that I've my own race to finish. Will I forget about missions.

I'm beginning to realise, how it's so easy to get lost in the endless race of self-striving. Wasn't that what we learnt in school, that the harder we try, the more we will achieve? Go faster, try harder. You can do it.

I am learning, that ultimately, we are where we are because of the blessings we have received from others, from God. I am where I am today, with an injury or not, because I didn't get struck by cancer last year, didn't get raped on a holiday overseas, didn't get killed by my illness a few years ago, or on a bike by a drunk driver.

My injury taught me many things. It is still teaching me things now.

So if you suddenly feel like you've hit a wall, that you're so tired trying to get ahead of everybody else, so exhausted from running, just remember that you are where you are because of a force greater than yourself which allowed circumstance and chance to be in your favor. And if you came to a point where you, in your own self-striving got injured, struck down, burnt out, just remember, that God's mercies are new every morning.

Someday, I will wake up with a dream with myself at the finish line, and it will not be because I had the most willpower, or ran the hardest, not because I cured myself of osteopenia by popping calcium pills or because I achieved this much in life doing this and that by myself, but because of the mercies of a God who loves us enough to promise that He would see us through till the very end.

Perhaps, when that day comes when I truly understand this truth, it will be a miraculous moment of healing for me, both physically and spiritually. Perhaps that day, God will let me run again. I still pray.

So close your eyes, and don't be afraid to dream, for He will see you through till the very end, too.

For He says to Moses,

"I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy,

and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion."

So then it is not of him who wills,

nor of him who runs,

but of God who shows mercy.
-Romans 9:15-16

Not my Battle.

* Wai Jia has been busy with preparations for the upcoming book, called A Taste of Rainbow. There have been meetings to attend, proposals and letters to write and filming to do... all on top of a final year medical curriculum. But she is thankful for the many angels who have come along her path to help.

At church today, I was reminded that when our dreams seem attainable and we do attain them, it is called human endeavour. But a seemingly unattainable dream, an impossible idea and a daunting task invites God to take control and to move for us.

When I started out, I thought recovery was unattainable, much less material to write about in a picture book; when I thought of using it to raise awareness of and reach out to people suffering, in partnership with a national hospital, I thought it would be... impossible, ludicrous, stupid; and when I conceived the idea of making an artistic video and setting up a website, I was incredibly daunted by the overwhelming task. I'm in final year of medical school, doing this now is crazy, I thought.

I was afraid, and dismayed.

So I prayed.

But I suppose, God didn't think so. And so sent my publisher along who happily supported every endeavour, sent a generous sponsor who is putting in what is likely to be a five-figure sum, sent a group of passionate individuals who have been so enthusiastic and helpful in the artistic conception of the video I had in mind, sent a complete stranger who's a professional, who bought me tea and said, "Before I met you, God had already spoken to me. So I'm going to do this for free, not for you, but for God. I want you to know it's not me, but God who is helping you, and I'm just glad to be a part of this."

And I suppose He has the best timing, for isn't it strange and funny how I'm back at the same department where I was treated for my medical attachment- this time, not as a patient, but as a medical professional, a partner with the department who has shown excitement, support and enthusiasm for this project.

"Aren't you excited?" said Dr. Y that day after morning ward rounds.

"Yeah, sort of," I said. "Heh, I guess so."

And then we laughed. A few years ago, I was arguing with her at her clinic because I refused to take her medicine. Now, we were working together for the same dream, to help people learn about this illness, to help youth fortify themselves against this sort of tragedy.

I suppose, there isn't such a thing as having too big a dream, or too small a faith. There isn't such a thing as too outrageous a prayer. Is there something in your life too big for you to overcome on your own? Is there a battle too big for you to fight? Indeed, our shoulders alone were meant to bear smaller things, lighter loads.

We fool ourselves when we think our battles are ours alone to fight.

This dream was too big, the battle too large, my faith was too small, too broken, but I suppose, that's where God likes to come charging in and take over.

" Do not be afraid nor be dismayed because of this great multitude,

for the battle is not yours,

but God's."

- 2 Chronicles 20:15

*Wai Jia would appreciate prayer for her upcoming book, her studies and her injury,

which has not been healing well.

Sometimes things get hard and it feels a little lonely on this journey,

but she is thankful for all the help and prayer received.

10 out of 10.

Nothing prepared me for the intensity of the pain. It hit me like a dummy crash-car into a wall and strangled the life out of me, draining strength from my legs, tummy and chest. God, what is happening?

The pain came at the wrong time. I was on my way to deliver groceries to Uncle Z. A day ago when I checked in on Uncle Z, he said that his son had run away. His 20-year old son had threatened to take all the furniture in their one-room flat except the bed, and said he wanted to move out. Uncle Z had just been discharged from the hospital for another near-death episode as he does not comply with his blood-thinning medication, essential for his condition of having 2 prosthetic heart valves from previous open-chest surgery. His wife, Mdm N, was diagnosed with severe hypertension and dementia last year. Uncle Z said, "Ever since our son left, she cries every day. She sings and cries, sings and cries."

My friend, D, had agreed to come with me and pray with them. My pain lingered, I tolerated it, but even D could tell I was suffering.

"You okay?"

"Yea," I said, in between breaths, "This is very unusual, I never have this sort of pain normally. But I got to say, this pain, is definitely worse than the pain of a half-marathon."

By the time we reached Uncle Z's home, and sat to chat, I knew the pain was only growing in intensity, but I kept a straight face, and Uncle Z didn't suspect a thing.

As soon as we left and his door closed, my upper body collapsed in pain. I then realised this was what guys are most afraid of hearing, "D, I think it's cramps. Crap. I usually never have pain- at all. This is really unusual."

D had to rush back to work, and so left me. He knew I'd be okay. I knew it too.

Little did I realise that the pain only worsened. By the time D had left, I could hardly walk.

God, I said, you have such a sense of humour. Today's the first day I don't feel pain in my fracture site and this is what you replace it with? Okay, like, please talk to me now if there's something you're trying to tell me. My ears are peeled.

At once, the words of my physiotherapist, AL, rang in my ears.

That day as she meticulously recorded the events of my injury, she asked, "When did they do the X-ray for you?"

"About 6 weeks post-injury."

"What? How come they didn't do it immediately?"

"I guess they weren't really suspecting it. They said muscle tears can be excruciating, too."

"What was your pain score at the Emergency department?"

I remembered myself being in so much pain I had to be put on a wheelchair. "I told them 8 out of 10."

"Really? It was 8/10? You sure? Then how bad was your pain 6 weeks later?"

"Er... 4 out of 10."

"Yeah right. They won't do an X-ray 6 weeks post-injury for a pain score of 4/10. It was more like 6/10, wasn't it."

"Maybe."

"Trying to be a hero."

Trying to be a hero. Yeah.

It was then, in the spasms on my pain, that I suddenly realised that therein lay pride, too. As my menstrual pain escalated progressively, I felt God was showing me what a pain score of 8/10 really was, and what the pain that day should've been.

It was 12 out of 10. And I only took 2 tablets of painkillers, refusing the rest.

By the time I had realised this, people at the train station were watching me and giving up their seats for me because I probably looked like I was about to collapse. As soon as I reached the train station near home, I bought Paracetemol, then deliberated about taking it. It's the freaking wrong time of the month for this sort of pain, I cursed inwardly. My pain score continued to increase, it went beyond 8/10 to 10/10. I could hardly stand anymore, much less walk. So I took the medication. Shortly afterward at home, the pain left. But I was so tired it felt like I had just finished a triathlon.

Today's pain taught me, that I really do need to surrender, more things than I thought. It taught me, that I have deeper idols to release.

Yesterday, I read that while our idols can be money, possessions, people etc, within us lie deeper idols, such as a sense of security, control or vanity. As I sat at the botanical gardens this week watching swans go by, I suddenly realised that the deepest false god in my life was not anorexia, or sports, or myself, even. It was a sense of needing to be in control. When things at home started to spin out of control years back, Ed became a way to regain that sense of stability; I enjoy cycling and long to learn horseriding because that sense of control on a bike, an animal is incredible; but the scariest revelation I received as I prayed was that, I am single, have been single, largely because...

... it gives me a sense of control. Being in a relationship makes me feel... vulnerable, and out of control. Who's to say the person doesn't turn out to be a jerk? I've met them before.

What is your deepest idol? Look at the patterns in your life, identify all your false gods, then see if you can find something in common. I did.

These days, I have been praying for God's mercy, that I will learn these lessons now and not when it's too late. I pray I learn to let go of self-sufficiency and the importance of a strong spiritual core before I rip my muscle again and cause a recurrent fracture. (The fracture was a non-contact injury- it broke where the muscle was attached too because the muscle tore too forcefully.) I pray I'll learn to destroy Aphrodite before she destroys me. I pray God'll help me to trust Him for my life partner and not let me realise this when I'm 45 and dying of loneliness in a mission field.

I have spent the last week by myself. It is our break now, my parents went overseas, my good friends are attached, some getting married, and I was unable to train. Some days were depressing. I had a lot of time to myself, and for one of the first times, wished someone would drive me out on Saturday night with the likes of Coldplay and Beatles on the stereo to Dempsey Hill for waffles and ice-cream.

God has never let me down- every time I prayed for company, like today in delivering groceries, someone always would show up. But I realised, that in the tough moments to bear, only someone who really loves you would go the extra mile for you. I don't blame D for returning back to work. But I know when I was hobbling home in pain, I really wished someone would call a cab for me, lug me back home, buy Paracetemol for me.

Today's pain showed me that I have to surrender. I need to learn how to say God, I am weak. I need help. I can't do this on my own. I have to realise many factors in life cannot be controlled. I cannot control when or how severe my menstrual pain will be (who cares if it's the wrong time of the month?), I cannot control who will love me and who I will love in return. I have to stop chasing things which give me a sense of control and security, because that pursuit will ultimately end in an uncontrolled manner.

God, not me, controls my life.

And I guess what I'm most relieved to know, is that He who controls our lives is indefinitely loving and kind, righteous and true. So because of that, I can let go, I can say okay, I won't resist You or love or run away anymore.

Because of that, I can finally say, I'm broken, and my pain score was 10 out of 10.

"If you are too afraid or too enamoured by love,

it has assumed godlike power,

distorting your perceptions and your life."

- Timothy Keller, Counterfeit gods

" Be shattered, O you peoples,

and be broken in pieces!"

-Isaiah 8:9

Loving Amy.

I suppose, you can figure out, why there's more than one reason I like this video.

Enjoy.



Things which don't matter:

1. thunder thighs

2. flat feet

3. big hair

4. bad nails

5. crooked teeth

6. hairy skin

7. chubby cheeks

8. stubby nose

9. big butt

10. small boobs

11. boyish calves

12. stretch marks

Because only one thing matters:

We are dearly, dearly loved by the Creator of the Universe.

(I wonder if God rides a bike.

Just, wondering.)

"... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth...

... How precious are your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!"

-Psalm 139:14-17

Stay on the Road

“Lovers, keep on the road you’re on.

Runners, until the race is done.”

-Coldplay, Lovers in Osaka

Even God did not leave this road unscathed.

Just because we’re injured, doesn’t mean we get off the road. We stay on. We may slow down, but it doesn’t mean we give up.

When I first flew off my bike two-thirds into the race that day, I picked myself up and finished it, even though it was a painful fall. Why should things be different now? Just because this particular hospital is not treating me right and has absolutely disappointed me and left me in despair about my recovery, doesn’t mean I should be discouraged. I’ve had it. I now understand why people affectionately dub that place the Cannot-Go-Home hospital (excuse the grammatical error), I’m finding my own help and I’m going to get well.

Same for you. Just because you’re injured doesn’t mean you stop and get off the road. Just because your mentor doesn’t know how to help you doesn’t mean you’re a gone case. We’re more resilient than we think. Get down. Pray. Then get up. Walk. Find your own mentor, your own doctor. Get your own help. God sends angels on a regular basis. Why should you give up?

Get your feet back on the road.

I remember two years ago when I was in therapy, I thought I would never run again. I thought they would make me stop forever. But we forget, that life goes on in seasons. Winter comes but winter goes, and spring will surely arrive. The break was essential. And when God put me back on the road, I was not only running, but swimming and biking, too.

We return stronger when we allow God to do the work which needs to be done in a season of rest.

When God stops us and forces us to rest, we can use it as an opportunity to disqualify ourselves from the race, or use it as a rest-stop to return stronger- both physically and emotionally. But we must first let go. God, I’m going to have to accept, that I’ll still love you just as much even if you tell me I can never do another triathlon again. Through this injury, I discovered, that I love the triathlon sport truly for what it is. But I’m letting it go. I have to.

I found out, my pelvic stress fracture injury was due to many factors, and I had most of the high-risk ones: The females athelete’s triad consists of a history of amenorrhea, an eating disorder and osteoperosis; Another physiotherapist discovered I have scoliosis (an S-shaped spine), which aggravates hamstring injuries; they told me I have very tight and weak back and core muscles, and very flat feet, which add severe stress on my pelvis when I run or bike. The injury is due to an overextension of the leg muscles, which happened when I took the wrong advice of someone to raise my bike seat higher, when it already had been fitted well.

Most of all, I was greedy. And proud. And self-sufficient. All those factors had been there for years, but my flesh pushed myself over the cliff.

But it’s not over. God is a God of mercy and grace. His grace allows for second chances. So I’m not giving up. Both my legs feel like Styrofoam when I walk now, but it’s not over. I’m going to get proper help. I’m going to learn from my mistakes and get back up on the road. If Ezzy and Fungus can get back on the road, you and I can too.

So I’m going to keep walking, walking.

Stay on the road, finish the journey.


From a friend

"Be thankful that the road is long and challenging,

because that is where you’ll find the best that life has to offer."

— Ralph Marston

"The Lord gives wisdom . . .

guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.

Then you will understand what is right and just and fair

-- every good path."
-Proverbs 2:6, 8-9 (NIV)

On my knees.

Shrugging it off, keeping a straight face and acting strong about it was not courage, but pride. Perhaps it was for my own sake that I always kept a strong front and said, "It's okay, I'm fine. No problem, God is good."

I didn't realise until today, while sitting in my physiotherapist's room, just how much it hurt.

"How've you been doing?"

"I'm good, it's no big deal," I said. Then the tears came and wouldn't stop, and I was surprised because I had never cried that much about my injury before. There were a few tears in the beginning, but I always stiffened up and told myself that it was no big deal.

Stop being such a wuss, people have all sorts of terrible illnesses and have had to cope with them. Think about the patient you spoke to today. She had a brain and intestinal infection from her medication for her inborn blood disorder and you don't see her crying and calling for a pity party, do you.

Today, I realised, that that was not courage, but pride. And until I could allow myself to fall apart at God's feet, to say I am sad, I am affected, He could not begin the healing work in my heart.

I'm sad about this fracture, that it's not healing well. Is that wrong? To know that I will not be able to do what I love, to run nor bike for a year, maybe more. To know that, like many athletes who have written about their pelvic stress fractures online, I may never run or bike properly ever again- contrary to what the doctors say. To know that anorexia had so much to do with this specific type of injury, that the illness has returned to remind me of its evil. To be constantly reminded of the pain when I'm walking and even sitting.

"Let's work around this. What would you like to do? You can always find substitutes. I know a very good aerobics class teacher, and also, we have... ... "

But I didn't want to. Deep down inside, I knew God's message for me this season was to rest, not to run around finding replacements for what He intentionally took away. This is a season for throwing old crutches away so I can truly find what ought to be important to me- God. This is a season for me to realise that unless I learn my lesson to stop self-striving, to appreciate the art of living life with balance and in moderation, I will keep making the same mistake of hurting myself, over and over, in different ways.

"No, I'm through with this. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm hanging up my bike. I don't want to do this rehab thing anymore- it's not helping, it's giving me pain."

I think she knew that I knew that they knew very little about pelvic stress fractures.

"... I think you've hit more than a road bump. You've hit a wall, haven't you?"

Yes, so I have. This is it, God. This is what you wanted right? To have me on my knees. After all, this was what I prayed for, to learn humility and to always remain broken and contrite before you. You have such a sense of humour.

I wanted to skip my physiotherapy appointment today because we had class. But class got cancelled, and a random acquaintance on Facebook ( a paramedic I met a year ago) offered to drive me from my hospital in the west to my physiotherapist in the east- I wouldn't have made it otherwise.

And so you don't know how much it meant to me, to find your email when I got home. I was tired from crying, I wanted to sleep, and then your words gave me strength and reminded me that God provides us with strength through angels at every step of the way.

Dear Wai Jia,

How are you? I don't think you would remember me, but I wrote to you really long ago and you replied me with a whole long blogpost and two beautiful pictures I still keep printed and stuffed in my diary. Thank you so much for that reply, i never expected you would reply so wholeheartedly to a 'stranger'. I read and reread your letter, and I thank God for speaking to me through your words.

I still read your blog when I have the time and I think you are really an inspiration to so many of us out day who are trying to cope with this illness. I'll be doing my A levels in december, I never imagined even being here because two years ago, all I wanted was to take pills and sleep forever.

The stuff you shared gave me courage to visit a dumpsite in phillippines and i just broke down and cried over there, to see how the little kids can love God so much when they have so little....Dear Wai Jia, you're really brave and I know you will be a wonderful missionary doctor. I think you've touched many with the stuff you wrote, me, for one. I would love to be a doctor too, but sshhh, don't tell anyone because so many people tell me that it's impossible, especially with everything that has happened in the past. Sometimes, I feel like telling them that 'I know a girl who suceeded!', but I end up just agreeing I should pursue some other career.

Recently I read about your injury, I just wanted to say take care (: I don't have much beautiful words of encouragement to give, just that I'm sure God loves you so much that this is all His plan. Someone once told me that God gave her cancer so she could comfort those with cancer when she overcame it. Perhaps that is too, God made you go through all these so that you can share with so many out there. Don't ever underestimate the power of what you write...I am some random stranger in some random corner of Singapore, but I find HOPE each time in your writtings.

Please tell me if I could help anyway in the project of A Taste of Rainbow, it's a wonderful thought that people out there will come to know more. You're truly a rainbow to me, and to many others i'm sure... and may you always stay as one.

God bless you always.

With love,
T

Thank you, T, for leaving a note. Thank you for reminding me of God's good purposes and plans for our lives. I cried when I read your note, because these past few days, I've been meeting so many people who asked me pointedly, "So do you still want to be a missionary doctor?" and "When will you start seeing someone? Don't you know it's important to settle down? I don't think you're short of suitors, so what's the problem?"

I cried, because I find myself understanding the realities of life now, the burdens and tempatations and strongholds that possessions and the world can have on us. Even in the past year, I have changed, and I worry about the kind of person and doctor I am becoming.

I cried, because just today as I walked home from the hospital, I thought to myself, how foolish I have been to tell God I have no time to go out and do this dating crap because I am busy training and studying and doing my own things, and what's wrong with that, when the truth is that, I have too much pride. I'm fine by myself, God. All these people end up hurting me anyway. And then I realised, that unless I take the opportunity to humble my own heart in this regard, God could very well choose to break me in another way I least imagined.

Break me, not because He is sadistic, but because of His great, unfathomable love.

And thank you, T, for giving me a new perspective about my injury- that even though it hurts me to know that anorexia had a large part to play in it, that this can be an experience to strengthen not only myself but other injured patients and athletes. Interestingly, by divine coincidence, I bumped into a friend today, who's one of the top triathletes in our country. I shared with him the story about my injury, and he said his sister had suffered the exact same thing. "She trains more than me, is skinny as a stick, hasn't even had her period even though she's almost 20 and had a fracture on her inferior ramus some time back. "

Thank you, T, for reminding me, that my story isn't over, and I have a responsibility, to myself, God and others, to get well. Even this fracture, is part of the Rainbow story that has yet to be finished. I have to admit, I'm falling apart, but it is in a good kind of way, in the way I had prayed for. I'm so, so glad you had a memorable time in the Philippines, and I hope that won't be your last trip.

Okay God, you win. I surrender. This biking thing is over, I'm hanging up shoes up, and I'm on my knees.

"Woe to the obstinate children," declares God,

"to those who carry out plans that are not mine, ...

This is what the Sovereign God... says:

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it.
You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.'

Therefore you will flee!

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;

he rises to show you compassion.

For the LORD is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!

How gracious he will be when you cry for help!

As soon as he hears, he will answer you.

Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction,

your teachers will be hidden no more;

with your own eyes you will see them.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold;

you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them,

"Away with you!"

-Isaiah 30: 1-2, 15-16, 18-22