Random Beautiful Things.

"If you have been covering your light, uncover it!"

- Oswald Chambers,

Studies on Sermon on the Mount

I'll have to admit- I did think of turning back.

After the hoohah which happened last week, and the barrage of interviews from newspapers asking for me to share my story (some of whom weren't very nice), I was mometarily discouraged. I wondered why I'd even started this journey in the first place. Some of the questions were rude, overly personal and dogged, even though I had drawn my boundaries. As more requests for interviews streamed in, I asked myself if I really wanted to subject myself to such public judgement, critique and exposure.

My major depressive episode came right after my first book Kitesong was published. Amidst many things, I know, in retrospect, that one of the reasons for that depression was my inability to cope with the sudden success of the project. People started saying ill things and I overheard suspicions of my intentions. Still fairly new in my relationship with God, I let the many storms around me during the time wash me from the shore.

To be honest, I worried that the same would happen this time. My dad had warned me before, that in spite of one's best intentions, people would still doubt one's motivations- yet, one must not let that affect one's mission. 5 years later, with my roots sunk in deeper into God, I am learning, that what is most important, is not how we are seen by others, but how we are seen by God Himself.

Do you sometimes feel that the risk to pursue your dreams is too great for your reputation to bear? What if it fails? What if it becomes the subject of ridicule and critique?

I am learning, that the truth is, climbing mountains will definitely put you in a conspicuous, vulnerable position. However, like a lampstand on a hill, it also gives you more influence over the surrounding landscape. It gives you the potential to transform your community.

Last Saturday, as I shared my story in front of an audience at the book launch during the public health forum, I became acutely aware of my vulnerability. With the new website up, everyone would know my story. Unlike Kitesong, this project brings a very broken part of my life into the foreground. For the message to be sent, it must be so.

But I was encouraged- that so many parents of people struggling with this illness, sufferers themselves and some of you were there; I was encouraged, to hear the questions asked during the Q & A segment, and how I was able to answer many of them because of my experience with it; I was encouraged, that in the most amazing and unexpected way, God had used my brokeness for glory, and my darkness for good.

I was in awe. After 5 years of storms and struggle, Rainbow had finally come to pass.

There was book-signing at the end. Most of the crowd left with a copy of the book. However, none of that encouraged me as much as the 2 encounters I had with 2 of you from this space. One of you came to encourage me with the most kind and genuine words of encouragement, and another with a beautiful letter and a box of hand-made rainbow-coloured cupcakes which were rainbow coloured through and through (even in the inside!) :) We had never met before. As I learnt how my writing had impacted your life, I was reminded and spurred to continue with what God had placed in my heart.

Your courage to share with me how a complete stranger like me had touched your life reminded me of the importance of touching lives. Every life counts. It encouraged me, to keep on track in my mission, and not to let a few setbacks discourage me. Yesterday, one of you left a note here to share how this space has encouraged you. In the way that mine has touched your life, you have touched mine, too.

A few days ago, as I struggled with whether or not to accept another interview scheduled in April, I read from the bible, about how we are spurred on to be like "salt and light" in our community.

A little bit of salt transforms an entire dish and has the ability to preserve wholeness, while light can shine into the filthiest of places without being soiled. Nonetheless, salt can cause irritation on an open wound, and light attracts bats and moths- our genuine intentions can most certainly attract gossip and evil. Being defrauded by others is almost certain. What is important, however, is that we remember, nonetheless, to uncover our light!

So to bits with what people say. And you shouldn't mind either if you face discouragement along the way with your passions and dreams either.

Flee from the temptation of changing from salt into a cloying, people-pleasing sweetness.

Flee from hiding your light under a bushel for fear of being judged.

Walk as children of light.

Shine in the darkness.

Where evil lies, shine more brightly, still.

Thank you for these random, beautiful gifts, notes and words of encouragement.

You have touched my life too.

"You are the salt of the earth;

but if the salt loses its flavour, how shall it be seasoned?

... You are light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden...

...Let your light shine before men..."

- Matthew 5:13-16

Meant for Good.

* Wai Jia would like to thank you for all your support and encouragement, prayer and love for her book launch which went super yesterday. Thank you for the thoughtful gifts you brought for her. She will share more about the launch soon. But in the meantime, a reflection from the happenings of last week:


Was that a threat?

Looking back, so it was.

My publisher had warned me about the media before. With stories in their hands, things can go both ways- depending on whether they put a positive or negative spin to them. I always took that with a pinch of salt. This time, I saw the ugliness for myself.

Last Thursday, I turned 24. I was looking forward to an interview regarding my next book covered by an important paper which had been organised in advance. Little did I expect the experience which unfolded.

As soon as the interview started, it started to pour.

A doctor and a counsellor sat in with me. They were there to filter out inappropriate or over-personal questions. One thing which had been emphasized to me was not to reveal information regarding my specific weight and height, from then till now, and to avoid giving examples of anorexic habits. Over the years through the media, these information, unfortunately, had a negative effect on the public-at-large, as this negative publicity inadvertently "taught" young girls how to do it. These publicised weights and heights quoted on paper could also be detrimental to those already struggling.

I agreed.

Something was wrong. For some reason, I was very uncomfortable through the entire interview. I have entertained interviews from newspapers, television and radio stations- none left me feeling the way I did on that cold, dreary day.

It was the tone of the interview, the way I was shot personal question after personal question about my eating behaviours when I was ill, with little consideration to how I might have felt. I understood the importance of being open with my story and had done so with the previous interview, but was shocked by the dogged persistence of the reporter in knowing my exact weight during my sickness.

We explained that the number, for the sake of the general public, should not be disclosed. Focusing on the weight, would in fact, compound the misconception that anorexia and weight was about numbers-they aren't. In fact, people need not be very thin to be anorexic, since everybody's baseline is different to begin with. Eating disorders are about the complex emotional, psychological and physical well-being of the person. In today's day and age, using the Body Mass Index as a guide is far more useful and healthy, since weights and numbers only further compound the myth that less is better.

"We can share the BMI with you."

But she pushed further. It would be harmful, we maintained. "I'm sorry I'm not able to comment on the exact number," I said again. " But this was my BMI then. We have to be very careful about conveying the right information. During the radio interview I had last week, the talkshow host asked the same question- but used the opportunity to educate the public instead, that such figures were sensitive and may have negative consequences. This project aims to help people, not harm them. I'm sorry to put you in a spot."

" We can't run your story unless we have your weight. BMI is not good enough."

"Perhaps you could write about..."

I had scarcely finished my sentence when she snapped sharply, "You have no right to tell me what I can or cannot write!"

Shocked by her response and the loss of professional decorum, the rest of us in the room looked at one another in amazement.

It continued to pour outside. The focus of the interview was all about how sick I had been. She had made little effort to find out much more about the project, and it became obvious that this was an interview she had been assigned to, perhaps grudgingly. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. There was something about the methodical, hungry way the questions were asked and the choice of words used which made me uncomfortable. I felt used. I felt like part of an agenda I never asked to be a part of.

The skies outside were very grey. It was a grim day.

When the interview ended, I was quite shaken. They asked for a photoshoot. For some reason, because of the rain and lack of light, it was impossible to take a good shot.

That night, I was called and text messaged endlessly. What could have been a day of productive studying, or at least, a good time spent with friends became a game of table-tennis, pingponging calls from the middleman who had organised the interview and the reporter, pushing me to reveal my weight and height. It was almost ridiculous, to see how all this hoohah was centred on a number they so badly wanted.

"No weight, no story. But if you give an exact figure, it'll come out."

Was that a threat? Why was there such an obsession over the number?

I thought about it for a long time. I discussed it with the people involved and they were surprised by how my boundaries had not been respected. Another 3 hours passed as I was harangued continually. We weighed the cost. If we stood our ground, we would lose the media coverage for the book launch completely; but if we relented, we would definitely stand the chance. It was a tough choice. I sat down and prayed. God, what would you have me do? This project was used to help people, to harm them. Why did they not understand the sensitivities of such information?

She called again. "Can I just write X kg?"

"That's just plain inaccurate."

This was getting ludicrous. I had to make a choice.

3 hours later, after much discussion with everyone involved, I finally made the decision. "No, we're not disclosing the number. It's not helpful for people struggling," I said.

It was a matter of principle, as Dad would say. It was a matter of integrity. People will always pressurise us to conform to their standards and agendas, but I learnt, that when God asks us to make a stand for what is right, we must.

Later, I learnt, to my horror, that the story they had woven was a rather sensationalistic one, which would harm me. Feeling completely shaken, disappointed and drained that night, I cried to sleep. Now, nobody knew if the story would come out. They might still run it, and it was obvious by then that it would be a story to my detriment. I was angry with the reporter, and angry with the person who had organised this- in their eagerness for publicity and a "good story", they had lost sight of the bigger picture to help others in need.

It's easy to say that it doesn't matter how people look at you as long as you stand right in God's eyes, but I have to confess, I was petrified that after all this hard work, Rainbow would be trodden down and my reputation would be at stake.

A friend encouraged me with a story from the bible. It was about a boy named Joseph, who was betrayed by his brothers. Jealous of him, they had sold him as a slave to Egypt and reported him dead to their father. But because Joseph was a righteous man in God's eyes, his life was preserved. Not only that, but he was raised to the position of KING.

On the day when his brothers discovered he was crowned king and fell at his feet in horror, he told them, "But as for me, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." -Gen 50:29-21

I read that over and over. That night, I dreamt of myself searching through the papers for the sensationalistic article the paper had written. I saw a huge hand from the sky reach into the papers to pluck it out for my protection.

The next day, nothing was published. They dropped the article because they didn't have that one number. Later, I learnt that it was very likely that they had already set their mind on the sensationalistic angle of the story, and it was a decision not to conform to their agenda because of a stand for integrity that saved Rainbow.

No publicity is better than bad publicity, my puslisher said. I agreed.

I learnt a crucial life lesson that day: that if you stand right in God's eyes, God will stand right beside you. No harm will come near to you if you make the stand for integrity.

The next day, I received news of a talkshow and another magazine who wanted an interview- they were from good sources with genuine motives. I had another 3 yesterday. None were harmful.

A friend reminded me, "Wai Jia, God will always, always save the best for you."

So we need not worry.

Even though we missed what could have been a great opportunity to publicise the book launch, yesterday's turnout was greater than what anyone expected.

And because of that horrid experience last week, I am now no longer intimidated by reporters.

I know, there'll be many more interviews to come. And I'm ready to take them on, even if I find out I have to reject them.

He makes all things well.

http://promisesofgod.tumblr.com/

Thank you all for your incredible support and love.

Please visit www.kitesong.sg/atasteofrainbow

to find out how you can help a loved one

or support the cause today.

"But as for me, you meant evil against me,

but God meant it for good,

in order to bring it about as it is this day,

to save many people alive."

-Gen 50:29-21

Milestone.

This week has been a little tumultuous, to say the least. One radio interview, one therapy session, one newspaper interview, one blow from a malicious source, one birthday past, one rush to get the website rolled out, and studying daily to prepare for my final exams, and...

... the book launch is tomorrow.

I will be sharing about my journey to recovery to an audience of people who may be struggling with this, and their friends and family.

This is a milestone. When people ask me where I am now in recovery, I tell them I am fully recovered. Nonetheless, this does not mean I am perfect. Life, is a continuous journey, and I'm still redisovering new things about myself every day.

But I'm thankful, that God is teaching me I don't have to go through this alone. I used to think: I have to sort myself out before I'm worthy enough to give a speech, or do a book launch, or enter a relationship. Now, I am learning, that it is precisely our inadequacies which take away our pride of self-sufficiency and give us enough humility to draw our daily strength from God.

Till today, I still have the tendency to over-critique myself, heh.

But nobody's perfect. Really.

And it's okay :)

And I'm just thankful too, that God has His way of reaching out to us, showing us how He is always in control, however people try to put us down, or use us for their own agendas. It helps to remember, that we belong to Him, and not to man's wicked plans. It helps to remember, that with big dreams, come big obstacles. And it helps to remember, that God does not see us as achievers and do-ers, as much as He sees us as precious children, learning life lessons along the way.

So here's to turning 24, and to launching my next book.

Here's to launching my new site, with thanks to Joseph for initiating this idea. Thank you for walking with me.

Here's introducing you to this new space- enjoy http://www.kitesong.sg/.

No fear!

The past few days have been a whirlwind- what with preparing for press releases and the upcoming book launch, getting random phonecalls from various insitutions and getting invited for talks and interviews, delivering books to different places, shooting text messages and emails to and fro, planning for TV appearances and radio interviews, getting the project's website together. All this, in between seeing patients and studying my last few chapters on Paediatrics, ha.

It looks like the next 2 weeks will be punctuated with interviews from the press. And a lot of other unexpected surprises.

With so many things happening, a part of me is afraid of getting caught in the frazzle and afraid of screwing up. Saying the wrong thing! Liasing with the wrong person! Having to deal with miscommunication! Getting told off (again!) Argggh.

I've never done this sort of thing before.



What if I say something silly? What if people misintepret me? What if things turn out wrongly?



Bah. I'm only human. I'm taking my final exams in 2 weeks. (Yea, don't worry, I'm putting off the non-urgent talks and all till after my finals).



I'm just gonna do my best-for both my exams and the project. And pray that people's lives will be touched. And let God do the rest.



I just need a big dose of self-encouragement, and a lot of fruit tea, ha. Somehow, I've faith that God'll see me through these mountains.



Okay God, I'm counting on ya. So here goes my self-encouragement:

No fear! Have faith! NO screw ups!

(and so what if i do, ha!)

Cheers to courage!


"Fear never wrote a symphony or poem,

negotiated a peace treaty,

or cured a disease.

Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry.

Fear never saved a marriage or a business.

Courage did that. Faith did that.

People who refused to consult with or cower to their timidity did that.”

- Max Lucado

Prayer requests:

Please pray for me,

for wisdom, clarity and favour;

for Rainbow to touch many lives,

and...

... to pass! :)

(Final exams on 8-27 March.)

Thank you!

Hot off the press.

Rainbow is finally out!


Book launch is on 26 Feb!


At a public forum to promote awareness of eating disorders!

Come if you know someone suffering,
Bring them along if their hearts are open.

Or simply,
come,

just because you want to learn more about this unspoken thing,

You never know
when you may help someone else in need in future.

A Taste of Rainbow will be distributed free
as part of a public education project
in bookstores and selected national library branches.

Kinokuniya, Books Actually, Birds & Co, NUS Counselling Centre, CHAT Hub at SCAPE ,

& selected NLB libraries.

More details soon.

Public Forum & Book Launch Details:
26 February 2011, Saturday
9.30am – 12.30pm
The Pod @ The National Library
Fee: $5 per person (includes tea break)
$8 per person for same-day registration

Limited seats available,

so register now by emailing your name & contact details to:
ed.publicforum@sgh.com.sg or call Raji @ 6327 9879 today.


Program

9:30–10.00am: Registration

10.00–10:05am: Welcome Address

10:05–10:25am: What are Eating Disorders?
by Dr Ng Kah Wee, Registrar
Dept of Psychiatry, SGH

10:25–10:45am: Medical Complications of Eating Disorders
by Dr Kumudhini Rajasegaran
Head, General Paediatrics & Adolescent Medicine Service KKWCH

10:45–11.15am: Tea Break

11.15–11:35am: Treatment of Eating Disorders
by Dr Lee Huei Yen
Director, SGH Eating Disorders Treatment Program
Dept of Psychiatry, SGH

11:35–11:55am: Getting Help for You or Your Loved One
by Ms Netty Ryanie
Senior Staff Nurse, Specialty Care, SGH

11:55–12:10pm Book Launch ~ “A Taste of Rainbow”
by Tan Wai Jia

12:10–12:30pm Question & Answer Session

Thank you God,

for Rainbows.

Take that step.

I was excited and anxious and giddy with joy and fear about coming to this moment.

The Professional People had told me before, that for Rainbow (my next book) to work, for it to achieve its cause of bringing hope to those who were hurting and raising awareness about this treacherous thing called Anorexia, I had to be comfortable with sharing my story. I had to be comfortable with my past and present. I had to be comfortable with the media.

It's not easy.

The Mighty People had warned me before, that this was a Dangerous path to choose. It could affect my career, my life plans, my image. People will mark you down for your past. It is not a forgiving society. Once you go public with the book and your previous illness, there will be no turning back. They had warned me against it.

But God is funny, with ways and thoughts higher than ours. Who would have thought that the committee which gave me the award thought this as courage. Who would have thought that the award was timed just perfectly before the launch of Rainbow, that I may be encouraged and affirmed?

Faith, is all about trusting in the unseen and what we do not yet have. It's about following your heart in spite of naysayers.

Like going to Nepal during the rioting. Like writing my first book. Like learning to cycle and picking up triathlon. Like booking my flight tickets to Africa to visit this ministry- this time this next trip really scares me (3 flights to get there-golly!) All the choices which instilled most fear in me turned out to be the most life-changing ones.

So here goes. Yea, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of screwing up, afraid of consequences and afraid of the process. But that's okay.

That's okay.



from: here

"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything.

Take care of yourself and your friends.

Have fun, be crazy, be weird.

Go out and screw up!

You're going to anyway,

so you might as well enjoy the process.

Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes:

find the cause of your problem and eliminate it.

Don't try to be perfect;

just be an excellent example of being human."

- Anthony Robbins


Your past is just a story.

And once you realize this it has no power over you.”
— Chuck Palahniuk


"Be strong and of good courage,

do not fear nor be afraid of them;

for God is the One who goes with you.

He will not leave you nor forsake you. "

- Deuteronomy 31:6

Making Decisions.

Looking at how I function at school, you'd think I was a decision maker. I often take the lead, initiate projects, take the first step in getting things done.

On reflection, however, I realized that this is not always the case. My inconsistency took me by surprise. An incident last week made me wake up. I totally deserved those 2 phonecalls when I got told off. Make a decision, Wai Jia. You just have to decide, we can't decide for you.

It was about my next book, A Taste of Rainbow, due to be launched next month. Everyone was ready to send it to print, but we couldn’t do so until we knew exactly how many copies we wanted, and what we wanted to do with those copies. Would funds be raised? Where would they go? Will the books hit the public bookstores or schools? How many copies are enough? Would there be a fundraising event?

Everyone had given me their 2 cents. But over the past months, all I’d been doing was going roundtable asking each person what he/she thought was best. Oh so you think we should do this, eh? Okay, yea, sure.

Round and round we went, until someone got fed up and said to me, Make a decision, Wai Jia. You just have to decide, we can't decide for you. I think, everyone else felt the same way.

I learnt a very important lesson that day: that worse than making the wrong choice, is making no choice at all.

I realise, I was afraid. I was afraid if I decided on say, 3000 copies, there might not be enough to go around. Or that there may be copies lying around in second-hand bookstores or trash bins. I was afraid if I decided that this would purely be a public education drive to raise awareness for eating disorders and depression and there would be no fundraising, some kid out there was going to be deprived of treatment because he comes from a low-income family. I'm afraid, that if I decide to take on interviews, some young reporter out there waiting all year for a good story will treat me like fodder.

I realized, that I really was just afraid. And I wasn’t ready to make a decision of such magnitude by myself. I assumed everyone else knew better. The bottom line was, I wasn't ready to take the responsibility.

When I finally jotted my Decision down, on exactly how many copies to print, where they would go, what purpose they would serve, I cried. It was not a logical emotion. It took so much of me just to say, okay, I'm not really sure if this is the best decision but here goes. Inside my head, this loud booming voice kept echoing: Why don't these people make the decision for you? They are The Professionals. You are not. You’re just a 23-year old girl- what do you know?

I forgot, that I'm an adult now, and people see me as one. I forgot, that the advice I most often give youth about dreaming big is to believe in oneself and never to let anyone tell you that you can’t, because you can. Those were my exact words in the TV interview that day. I had been playing the sick role for so long, assuming other people knew better that I forgot, I am capable of making my own decisions too.

At one season of my life, God wanted me to learn how to trust Him, let go and surrender to life, instead of being such a control freak over everything. He wanted me to humble me to see that very often, other people had better judgement than myself. I felt Kitesong was such a success because other people took over and the project flew from the subsequent decisions they made. I hadn’t realized I had entered a new season, one where God wanted me to learn how to trust myself and Him again, and learn that I could make good, measured decisions too. Kitesong taught me about releasing, while Rainbow is teaching me about asserting.

Some people have been asking me, sometimes jokingly, how has life been different after receiving the award. To be honest, life has been completely different and yet completely the same. Perhaps most significantly, I have become acutely aware of my deficiencies, and very much encouraged and motivated to better myself because a group of people believe in me to do so. I have become acutely aware of the infinite measure of God’s grace, as I try to conceive the magnitude of His generosity to use someone as myself with an unglamorous, broken past.

I keep forgetting, that I’m an adult now, fully capable of making good decisions. I may have got an award, I may be a medical student, but somewhere deep down inside, my mind still conceives me as that little girl who can't decide where she wants to have dinner. Why don't you decide? I'm easy. As long as it's not fast food, yea, you let me know.

I’m afraid of making bad decisions, and having to take responsibility for them.

This cannot on. When I start work as a junior doctor in May, I will be making tons of decisions every day. Do I escalate this situation to my senior? Does this patient require intensive care? It's 3am, do I need to phone my consultant? What if the patient dies? But what if it’s actually non-urgent and my senior scolds me instead? I have to decide.

An incident at church last Sunday fleshed this out quite clearly to me. A pastor was talking about young people getting married. At the end, he called for all the young people who wanted to get married eventually to go upfront. Lots of my friends went. I’m usually unabashed about going upfront to make commitments to God and such, but this time, my procrastination surprised me.

I realize, that the whole idea of marriage freaks me out at this point because it would require me to make a Decision. A decision that no one else can make for me, and whose consequence I must bear. What's going to happen? Can one ever be sure of one’s choice? And they shall cleave to become one flesh.

If he's a drinker and he hits me, that will be because I chose to ignore his social drinking before we married. If he rides a motorbike and becomes paralysed after a car accident, it would be because I didn’t stop him from riding as a wife. If we exasperate each other and drive each other up the wall, it will be because… did we make the wrong choice?

Being told off over the phone that day about my indecision about Rainbow taught me a very important life lesson that day: that worse than making the wrong choice, is making no choice at all.

I eventually went upfront. Yea, I guess I do want to get married someday. Even that, was a decision in itself and took me a lot of effort.

I am learning, sometimes, you just gotta bite the bullet and trust yourself and God.

It reminded me of my hamstring injury, of how I got injured so badly mainly because I didn’t trust my body to tell me what it could or could not do. I went roundtable asking all those other people whom I thought were More Professional than me because I assumed they knew better.

Another lesson: It doesn’t matter if other people are more experienced. The main point is, YOU need to make the choice, because this is YOUR body/race/project/patient/task. This is YOUR and not their responsibility.

It’s about taking responsibility, saying okay, I screwed up but it’s okay, I can learn from it.

My elder sis was right. Jia, you gotta learn to grow up. Someday, you're gonna be all by yourself, and you're gonna be taking care of other people too. But you know what? You can do it. I know you can.

I'm just so thankful for those last words over the phone to me: I know this is new to you, and it's a good learning experience. I'm not going to leave you in the lurch. We're going to guide you along the way if you make boo-boos. But you have to make the decision about Rainbow. Okay?

So I sat down, cancelled out all the questions I had typed out for other people to answer, and made my Decision. From now on, I will make conscious efforts to make decisions every day, without asking too much of what do you think? Is this okay? I'm okay with anything, what say you?

Instead, I will pray through my decision and say, I think this. Can do?

4000 copies of Rainbow go to print today. I hope we make it in time for the press release.

Fingers crossed.

Thank you EK.

" Roll your works upon God,

commit and trust them wholly to Him;

He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will,

and so shall your plans be agreeable and succeed."

- Proverbs 16:3

(Amplified version)

No more fear.

I got scared. To be honest, that's what it really was-fear.

A couple of weeks ago, my publisher and the rest of the committee had assured me that A Taste of Rainbow would be ready for print. After 3 years of suffering, healing and waiting, my dream of publishing this second book was finally so close to being fulfilled. There were countless moments of anguish and disappointment with God, and one close shave to trashing this painstakingly illustrated book down the chute. All that held me back was that huge arc of a rainbow behind the Singapore flyer I saw 3 years ago on the day I finished the first draft of the book.

A rainbow is God's promise. So I held on.

And now that God is this close to making this dream come true, I was actually... scared.

There would be publicity. People would know. For this next project to make an impact on the lives of people, to help those who are suffering, I will have to, at some point, be in the limelight. I used to be very vocal, used to enjoy being seen and heard. But like a snowflake being buffeted by the winds as it falls to the ground, I have changed, and am no longer as extroverted as I was before. I have become more shy, and grown uncomfortable with gregarious self-introductions.

This coming wednesday, I will be attending a gala dinner for the award I was shortlisted for. They will be celebrating the achievements and contributions of the finalists of the award. I'm afraid, because I'm not sure if I like that sort of attention anymore. 2 weeks ago, the university sent me another nomination to fill up for another award, and I'm simply dreading the application process. Whatever for, and to what purpose?

I got scared, because I'm not sure what people may say, how they may judge me. I became afraid, because of what people kept saying about this having implications on my future, and on my area of specialisation. Many have come, and still come into my path to counsel me to think twice. Is this what you really want to do? There are consequences. Are you sure about this? Because there's no turning back once you decide on it.

And my answer, though now more sprinkled with awareness, is still yes and amen.

Because isn't this what this journey is about? God is calling me to make a decision that might jeopardise myself, and I can see, how even this is a test of faith, obedience and courage. I have been through so much to see this book to completion. Do I want, for the sake of self-preservation and out of fear, to back out now? Would I be true to myself? Would it be following my heart?

No.

So I'm going ahead. For weeks I had stalled. I was apprehensive about giving my publisher the final edits. But tonight, as I walk into the new year ahead, I have decided, that there's no turning back now.

God, I'm counting on You to give me strength and courage- the kind of courage that has no reason.

I was afraid, and shall not be from now.

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,

for God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

The Driver's Seat.

"Have you noticed, that... your life has been very... challenging?"

I knew she was on to something. And I knew, she was about to help me discover something magical, something that smelled refreshing and nostalgic and ancient and fresh. So I stayed on track, trying to catch a whiff of the trail.

"Yea, I have. But what am I to do?"

Silence.

"So, what are you saying?" I asked, smiling a little, not wanting to sound confrontational.

"What I'm saying is, I've noticed that your life seems to consist of climbing one mountain after the next, and all I'm wondering is, whether you feel tired, and if you exercise enough self-care. Like what we talked about at our last session."

We were on the topic of my next book. About it going to be published soon, about the difficulties which came with it and which will come along with it. We were talking about my upcoming final examinations, my ruminations about how my previous illness had taken away what I wished it hadn't. We were talking about that recurrent topic in our conversations, about that melancholic sense of lonliness inside of me because of my desire to do missions and to live my life differently.

"So how does doing all these things make you feel?"

"I mean, I guess I feel fulfilled. But to be honest, sometimes I do feel lonely. I mean, on the outside it looks great. Like, people think I have it all together- studies, community service, friends etc. But hey, I only got 24 hours in a day, so something's gotta go- I end up doing a lot of "purposeful" things. You're right. Sometimes, I get tired. And it feels lonely. But I mean, I've come to accept it- because, I feel called to do this sorta thing."

"Sure."

Silence.

"But I guess, part of the roller-coaster bit of my life, part of my previous illness was because I tried so hard to be in control. There're so many factors in life- I can't control the results of my studies, I can't control my future residency, I can't control what people think of me, I can't control where I'll be headed next, so the eating disorder was the best way for me to feel in control."

"Absolutely."

Silence.

"So do you see, how you've compartmentalised God? Like you give Him control over this, this and this, but not over that, that and that? And because of that, do you see how you tend to climb your own mountains, one after another, to experience that temporary high? But they're barren mountains. They're all barren. All that unecessary drama was from you driving by yourself because you feared that God would take you elsewhere you feared you wouldn't be able to cope."

Epiphany moment.

"Yea... you're... right."

Do you, like me, struggle to be in the driver's seat? Do you fear the change in scenery, the feeling like you don't know where you're being driven to, and if you'd be taken to a place where, gasp, you might not be able to cope?

I know I do.

I've always striven to be behind the wheel, so I think I know exactly where I'm going. The truth is, even with both hands behind the steering wheel, we never do. How can we, for only God knows our futures and our lives. The ironic part is, we, in our ignorance, in spite of our best intentions, then often drive ourselves up mountains that we were never meant to climb.

"Why do you want to drive up barren mountains, when God wants to bring you to lusher, grander, more beautiful mountains on the other side? Has it occurred to you, that perhaps, in spite of all your fears about not knowing where He might take you, you may very well be driving yourself up a far more difficult terrain than what He has planned for you?"

I thought about my previous illness, my publishing journey in writing and illustrating books as well as my self-striving in terms of training in triathlon. I saw the common pattern of how my own ideas of success became my own stumbling blocks- caused me unecessary afflictions, anxiety and injuries. It was time-consuming and on restrospect, silly.

God wants to bring us to grander scenery- why do we fear? He wants to take us on the best ride. His cross for us to bear may not be as big as the ones we impose on ourselves.

"So yea, continue to let go. Let Him take over the wheel."

Towards the end, I brought up an issue which I had been thinking about a great deal over the past few months. About a friendship which I wanted to cut off and abandon because I was too afraid.

"I mean, this is crazy. What's going to happen?"

"Precisely. You don't know. Let God decide, let Him drive. Because when you do, you'll feel a sense of freedom."

"Aw man, no. You don't understand, this is a mountain coming. You said that my life is full of roller coasters, didn't you? This is, for sure, going to be a huge mountain and He's driving me right into it! I haven't been able to stop it, He drove me right into it!"

"Who said life was about avoiding mountains?"

"Ah, I see. So it's about climbing the right ones."

"Exactly. And as far as I'm concerned, this is the one opportunity where you can finally give God the chance to show you that He's a better driver than you."

Okay God, I'm getting out of the driver's seat and onto the passenger seat. But before you take off and hit the road, let me fasten my seat-belts. I know you're a safe driver and will never let me come to harm, but I know, you're a much bigger adventure junkie than I could ever be.

Let go. Let Him take over.

And hang on tight.

“For this is God, our God forever and ever;
He will be our guide even to death.”
- Psalm 48:14

Buddies.

While working on the final touches of A Taste of Rainbow and finalising the thank-you page, I found myself heaving a sigh of relief when I remembered to thank a group of people I never thought of thanking before, and yet, were key to my recovery from clinical depression and anorexia.

I had thanked my family, my friends, the sponsors, the insitution, the church, God, but had forgotten to thank the group of people who probably had the greatest impact on the speed of my recovery.

Special thanks to:

my triathlon and cycling buddies,
who taught how to bike, and to enjoy food and life.

There was nothing and yet, everything spiritual about this. It intrigued me to find myself putting this line in between the lines of thanking my church and God.

When I met Mr. Ho, my ex-college teacher for tea today, he showed me a video. I didn't cry when I watched it, but I cried later that day as I thought about my cycling buddies, and God's timing in healing my leg and bringing the book to a new level of progress at the same time. Mr Ho said, "The thing that I take away from the video is the importance of community. When the man ran past the finish line, he hugged his dad."

I said something different. What I had taken away, was the celebration of the human spirit, but also, a sense of taintedness. Sports has tainted us, because we have assumed its pride and sense of individualism.

Later that day, however, as I pondered over many things while waiting for the train, I found myself surprised at a tiny trickle of tears.

I realised, that Mr. Ho was right, that what triathlon and cycling had given me, was not so much the achievement of the sport, or the glamour or the pride, but really, a sense of community, of belonging and love and cameraderie. And that was what saved me, what gave me confidence and assurance and friendship. The sport gave me a fellowship, a fellowship perhaps as strong or stronger than the church, that protected me from depression, because these people keep bugging me every once in a few days for a run or a ride or a swim. And when I don't show up, they text message, facebook, call me, or show up on my doorstep with flowers or food or just to say hi, can I use your pool? Haha.

They watch out for me when I ride, because I'm not a safe rider. They ride in front of and behind me just so they can look out for cars for me. They turn back when they don't see me. They make sure I enjoy the post-workout food with them. They take me out for icecream and drinks and to places I would otherwise not go. They bought me my new bike.

They don't judge me for my speed. And they don't force me to drink. They train early and so hardly stay up late. They don't make me feel like I don't measure up, even though they're fast and good. It's funny, I probably expose the most amount of flesh when I'm training with them compared to while I'm at work but I feel least self-conscious with them.

I'm really too embarrassed to share this with most of them because they're all big guys, like the macho type, and I know they'd just go like.... huh, okay. Cool.

When I watched the video again, I saw it wasn't his achievement which inspired me, as much as the sense of community and love that surrounded him, not at the end, but during his journey. I realised, that the most beautiful thing about sport, is not human endeavour, or human achievement.

It's human community. That's what saves souls.

Thanks for saving mine. See yall on the ride this Saturday.

Hope.

Today is World Mental Health Awareness Day.

A Taste of Rainbow, my second book which I wrote in the hope of inspiring others to be brave to seek help in times of depression and overcome stigma was originally supposed to be launched during World Mental Health Awareness week.

It is macabre almost, that instead, during this time, we lost a friend.

Grief soaked us for days. We weren't close, but my fondest memory of you was when we didn't know each other but I introduced myself to you 2 years ago when I overheard that you, too, attended the Coldplay concert. You didn't look the sort. You were very studious, smiley always, the sort I thought would listen to Bach and Beethoven and not some emo-rock band with a lead singer who had a stringy frame and a voice dripping with molten liquid. I liked you immediately, because even though you didn't know me, you asked if I wanted one of your plastic butterflies you picked up at the concert. It was like asking if a Beatles fan wanted Paul Mc Cartney's cigarette.

Those plastic butterflies. Do you still remember them? When the roof exploded with a million psychedelic butterflies to one of my favorite songs, Lovers in Osaka and the crowd went wild. You were in the mosh pit, you had the best tickets- wasn't that awesome? I went crazy. I was in the second tier, the butterflies were too far away. "Lovers, keep on the road you're on, Runners, until the race is run, Soldiers, you've got to soldier on... Dreaming of the Osaka's sun..."

I thought we would finish this race together. This journey we call medicine. No one knows how or why you left, but it made us realise, that many of us suffer in silence out of fear, shame and stigma. We are doctors-to-be, why can't we treat ourselves. If I get help, I will be marked and it will be career suicide. How can I tell anyone? After all, I'm going to become a doctor.

Lies. All lies, the whole pack of them.

I couldn't sit around doing nothing. So I rallied my juniors and classmates and said we had to do something. I organised a meeting. We met our deanery. I will organise another meeting this week to discuss with the various leaders our action plan. In the process of collating feedback, I received a flood of emails from people who were suffering, who had suffered, and who now want to make a difference.

We can make a difference. I don't care what the skeptical group of people out there say about nothing ever coming to fruit when working with the deanery. I have worked with the team before, and they do care about us. The new team has already begun helping people. We need to help them help us.

To my juniors, I need you. I will be graduating soon. And if you want to make our so-called first world medical school a better place to grow in, come and join this cause. You've got the emails, you know what we need. Join us.

During our first meeting last week with the professors, I had just come from the meeting with my publisher, Singapore General Hospital, Singhealth and KTP Foundation. So I shared my story and the online version of Rainbow with everyone. My message was that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and there is hope after depression.

How can I bring this message to the public-at-large if my community doesn't even believe in this? I cannot tell anyone, my career will be ruined. I won't get the residency of my choice. I'm going to be a doctor, how can I get help? So my publisher and I are getting to work, to circulate an online version which is specific to address the needs of the medical community.

We work 36-hour shifts without sleep once or gasp, twice a week. We see death and suffering and injustice and pain too many times more than the normal person should. We work ourselves to the bone, competing with one another for specialties of our choice, making sacrifices towards a future which tells us we make less than a cashier at Mac Donald's per hour as a junior house officer and we will become but yet another number in the workforce serving an endless line of wants and needs and aches and pains.

I really believe, every medical student goes through some sort of crisis of faith in his journey. Being a doctor is nothing like what people think it is.

But never have I wanted more to be a doctor than now. There is hope. When a patient told me, "Thank you doc," and she thanked me most sincerely because I was most junior and looked after her most often, everything was worth it. I could curse the hours, but never my vocation.

There is hope. There is always hope. And my appeal to you is for you, my juniors especially, to realise we have feet of clay, too.

Getting help will probably be the best decision you made in your life. It will strengthen you and make you a better doctor than you ever thought possible. I know it changed my life, and God will use the most terrible of experiences for the good of others if we let Him.

We can make a difference. And it starts from you.

If you need help or know a friend who needs it, get it. After all, you're going to become a doctor.

There is hope.

"Lovers, keep on the road you're on,

Runners, until the race is run,

Soldiers, you've got to soldier on...

Dreaming of the Osaka's sun..."

-Lovers in Osaka by Coldplay

" For you have been my hope,

O God,

my confidence since my youth."

-Psalm 71:5

Change is coming.

The past week has been insane.

A friend committed suicide. One emergency meeting. One wake. One realisation that it makes no sense to be raising awareness of depression and the need to overcome stigmas to seek help in the public the message is not even being conveyed in my own community. One talk to students to share with them my heartbeat for this. One meeting with Singapore General Hospital, Singhealth, my publisher about launching my next book, A Taste of Rainbow next February and plans to bring the message of postive self-esteem to students, back to back with another meeting I had coordinated between students and my school regarding improving mental health support among students. One meeting with someone who will doing up the new website for Kitesong and A Taste of Rainbow to raise awareness of these causes. There were many emails to write, many Big People to convince, many hearts to convict to stand with me on this cause- we have to do something. One test on Geriatrics. One phonecall from the Insititute of Mental Health expressing their interest in my next book. Many, many, many emails. Maybe fifty, over the past few days.

Absolutely crazy week.

Like all my other friends, I was grieved. We were traumatised. Every day, one person in Singaporean commits suicide. I just never thought one of them would be someone I knew in such close proximity. I couldn't sit back, and hence rallied all my batchmates and juniors together to help make our communities safer places to be in. There is something which can be improved in our system. We cannot change the system, but there other things which we can change.

We mustn't lose people this way anymore. I'm doing this partly for you, K. Why did you leave us this way.

And it amazed me, just a little, to find out that all this happened this week, which is also World Mental Health Awareness week. There is something worthwhile to be done.

But I'm tired. So I'm going to slink away by myself to a quiet place with my brown imaginary horse and sit by a quiet imaginary stream to read a good book by Malcolm Gladwell and thank God for the chance to be a part of Change.

We can change things if we believe we can.


That is something I truly believe in.

"We know that all things

work together for good for those who love God,

who are called according to His purpose.

-Rom 8:28"

Overdelivering.

"Free for dinner?"

And it amused me to know just a week after I had whined about not being taken out to nice places for dinner, I had 3 dinner invites. Two nights ago, it was my professor, a very admired figure no doubt, who took me out. She was, has been, is giddy in love with God, and when I asked her if there was anything she had ever been mad at God about, she looked at me quizzically, as if I were talking gibberish. And she smiled, a most radiant smile which glowed and vibrated and sang all at once.

"Wai Jia, how can we ever be mad at God? Haven't you read the other book called The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom I gave you the last time? She said, God will never give you what you would not ask for had you known the end from the beginning. Don't you know, He underpromises and overdelivers, every single time."

"Really?"

And I stared at her, sharing with her the flux of emotions I had had over the past few weeks.

"Why can't things be perfect? Yes I know the whole story about Adam and Eve and all... but why, why can't things just be okay? Why all this long drawn suffering?"

"Because this side of heaven wasn't meant to be perfect."

And somehow, it dawned upon me, that I need to trust God more, that He knew and knows best, and I... just don't. My emotions regarding the uncertain state of my second book only revealed to me how much it meant to me, and how I needed to let go. I was disappointed at thinking things would not come to pass. They said it'd be out by October, but it's mid-September and nothing much has been happening. I don't like silence.

I went home,and determined in my heart not to be mad at God anymore. God will never give you what you would not ask for had you known the end from the beginning. Maybe there's a reason for this all.

The next morning, I got emails from both the team from the Singapore General Hospital and from my publisher with the whole online copy of A Taste of Rainbow compiled and done up nicely.

I suppose, God has His timing. And I suppose, He just really wanted me to know, that I need only to trust, and not be worried about things. He wanted me to know, that I am fallible but He is not, and He most certainly keeps His promises. He wanted me to know, that I can completely trust Him, and really, there's no reason to be mad at Him because after all, He just wants us to learn some lessons, and...

... He underpromises and overdelivers, every single time.

"Help me, O God, to make a true use of

all disappointments and calamities in this life,

in such wise that they may unite my heart more closely with Thee.

Cause them to separate my affections

from worldly things and inspire my soul

with more vigour

in the pursuit of true happiness."

- by Susanna Wesley,

sent to me by a friend : )

PS: Mr. T got his 5 shirts today : ) and I've another 36-hour call tomorrow at the hospital. Yes, on a sunday. And even in that, I am learning we can honour God with our wholehearted service to every patient we meet!

Not my Battle.

* Wai Jia has been busy with preparations for the upcoming book, called A Taste of Rainbow. There have been meetings to attend, proposals and letters to write and filming to do... all on top of a final year medical curriculum. But she is thankful for the many angels who have come along her path to help.

At church today, I was reminded that when our dreams seem attainable and we do attain them, it is called human endeavour. But a seemingly unattainable dream, an impossible idea and a daunting task invites God to take control and to move for us.

When I started out, I thought recovery was unattainable, much less material to write about in a picture book; when I thought of using it to raise awareness of and reach out to people suffering, in partnership with a national hospital, I thought it would be... impossible, ludicrous, stupid; and when I conceived the idea of making an artistic video and setting up a website, I was incredibly daunted by the overwhelming task. I'm in final year of medical school, doing this now is crazy, I thought.

I was afraid, and dismayed.

So I prayed.

But I suppose, God didn't think so. And so sent my publisher along who happily supported every endeavour, sent a generous sponsor who is putting in what is likely to be a five-figure sum, sent a group of passionate individuals who have been so enthusiastic and helpful in the artistic conception of the video I had in mind, sent a complete stranger who's a professional, who bought me tea and said, "Before I met you, God had already spoken to me. So I'm going to do this for free, not for you, but for God. I want you to know it's not me, but God who is helping you, and I'm just glad to be a part of this."

And I suppose He has the best timing, for isn't it strange and funny how I'm back at the same department where I was treated for my medical attachment- this time, not as a patient, but as a medical professional, a partner with the department who has shown excitement, support and enthusiasm for this project.

"Aren't you excited?" said Dr. Y that day after morning ward rounds.

"Yeah, sort of," I said. "Heh, I guess so."

And then we laughed. A few years ago, I was arguing with her at her clinic because I refused to take her medicine. Now, we were working together for the same dream, to help people learn about this illness, to help youth fortify themselves against this sort of tragedy.

I suppose, there isn't such a thing as having too big a dream, or too small a faith. There isn't such a thing as too outrageous a prayer. Is there something in your life too big for you to overcome on your own? Is there a battle too big for you to fight? Indeed, our shoulders alone were meant to bear smaller things, lighter loads.

We fool ourselves when we think our battles are ours alone to fight.

This dream was too big, the battle too large, my faith was too small, too broken, but I suppose, that's where God likes to come charging in and take over.

" Do not be afraid nor be dismayed because of this great multitude,

for the battle is not yours,

but God's."

- 2 Chronicles 20:15

*Wai Jia would appreciate prayer for her upcoming book, her studies and her injury,

which has not been healing well.

Sometimes things get hard and it feels a little lonely on this journey,

but she is thankful for all the help and prayer received.

Loving Amy.

I suppose, you can figure out, why there's more than one reason I like this video.

Enjoy.



Things which don't matter:

1. thunder thighs

2. flat feet

3. big hair

4. bad nails

5. crooked teeth

6. hairy skin

7. chubby cheeks

8. stubby nose

9. big butt

10. small boobs

11. boyish calves

12. stretch marks

Because only one thing matters:

We are dearly, dearly loved by the Creator of the Universe.

(I wonder if God rides a bike.

Just, wondering.)

"... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth...

... How precious are your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!"

-Psalm 139:14-17

Destroying Aphrodite.

"Something is safe for us to maintain in our lives

only if it has really stopped being an idol.

That can happen only if we are

truly willing to live without it,

when we truly say from the heart, '

Because I have God, I can live without you.'

Sometimes, God seems to be killing us when he's actually saving us."

- Counterfeit gods by Timothy Keller

Most, if not all girls take some pride in their appearance. Conventionally pretty or not, females were made with the desire to be beautiful. Vanity becomes a problem when beauty and pride become central. Eating disorders, shopping addictions and insecurities manifest.

It was not until today that I realised, God was not only asking me to let go of my sport, but my security in fleshly things too- things I never thought were wrong. After all, which human being doesn't take some pride in his appearance?

I was at my church bookstore buying the last copy of Counterfeit Gods when at the counter, a parent of one of my sunday school kids came up to tell me, in a perfectly matter-of-fact manner, "Oh, you've put on weight, yea?" And I looked at her, momentarily stunned, and wondered if that tone of voice would have been more appropriate at commenting on the weather. I smiled. "Yes I have... I fractured something lately so have been unable to train." I said it after hesitating a little, not too defensively, yet, as if I had to have explanation for how I am now.

In the female world, commenting on somebody else's weight has many implications- there are typically undercurrents suggesting one's lack of control and one's inability to manage oneself. It is not a topic to bring up unless it goes in one direction-downwards. Yes, the female species is complex, indeed.

As I made my purchase of the book at the counter with this lady in front of me, I knew, God was testing me. What was my counterfeit god? Triathlon, my bike, and... Aphrodite.

It wasn't until then that I realised, I have always taken a lot of pride in how I projected myself. Aphrodite, is an earthen goddess- horses are sacred to her; Beauty, is my a false idol- my bike is paramount to me-for more reasons than meet the eye.

Just very recently, I finally found the physiotherapist I had been praying for. Out of so many contacts I had been given and I had spoken with, she is the only one who clearly understands this particular injury of mine. When she heard of my case through a friend's friend, she buzzed me and said, "How old are you?"

"23."

"Are you a runner and a biker?"

"Yes."

"Are you vegetarian?"

It was then that I knew she understood. The fracture of the inferior ramus at the site of insertion of the adductor magnus is a very rare sports injury, common only in a specific subgroup of athletes- the young female athlete with a past history of a poor diet, eating disorder, amenorrhea or all of the above. My history was classic.

"Oh, you must be surprised," she said. "That's because my research project was based on adductor tears and these type of fractures. Sure, I'd love to help."

Most physiotherapists have hardly even heard of this injury, much less encountered it. AL was the first one who knew what she was talking about, who understood with such depth the intricate relations of all the muscles, tendons and bones involved in this painfully slow-healing injury. She predicted my sites of pain even before I told her, understood exactly why I was hurting in both my legs even though I had hurt only one. She spent a long time with me. I had never seen anyone so meticulous before.

Our first session was not easy. A lot of my strength had left me. I had put on weight. I was tired of exercising in any way, because of the pain. Doing core exercises and pilates looked slow and effortless but was in fact, very tiring. As we went through rehab exercise after rehab exercise, I suddenly understood the humour in the whole thing: God had given me exactly what I had prayed for months ago, when I asked Him to teach me what it meant to work from a posture of rest. I wasn't moving from my spot, but it sure was a lot of hard work.

All this while, I realised, my appearance had been my counterfeit god, my source of security, something I knew the world could see. My training in triathlon was my counterfeit god, because it helped me control my weight, maintain my tan, and was a great conversation topic to boost my self-esteem. I never did core exercises because I didn't see the value of strengthening myself from the inside, since no one would see the results anyway. Running, swimming and biking and being constantly on the adrenalish rush-go was far more exciting. I didn't realise till today, how superficial my mindset has been, all this while, all these years.

Do you sometimes, in some ways, live for others too? For just, a brief moment of their applause?

In the same way, running around being involved in projects and ministries and being busy was also a false god in itself. I knew it was something the world could see. Like cardiovascular exercise, the spiritual endorphins made me feel good about myself. But I neglected my spiritual core, not taking enough time to study the bible in depth. After all, doing things has always been far more glamorous, a much easier way to gain praise and honour from men.

Who enjoys sitting in one place doing painful core exercises? Who likes to sit in one place studying the bible? Boring, isn't it, compared to being on stage performing an acrobatic act. I didn't realise, that I had always made myself my own god.

"Wai Jia, you know, one's cardiovascular activity must be matched with one's core strength. This was like a time-bomb inside of you. With your history, diet, weak core muscles, and scoliosis, this would have happened, sooner or later. It was a ticking time bomb. "

I know. My activity should have been matched with taking time to strengthen my spiritual core, too. And the time bomb blew because I had allowed training and Aphrodite to rival God's place in my life. That day, I compromised on my work ethic. The junior doctor said it was a public holiday and a sunday, hence I needn't show up at the hospital for my shift. But I knew, deep down, that I ought to have showed up. Why should I base my actions on other people's standards? I compromised on my work ethic that day because something else, something counterfeit, took priority that day. I wanted one last training session before my race. I relied on my own strength. I wanted to burn more calories. And I adjusted my bike seat higher than it should have been because someone said I would go faster.

Idolatry, insecurity, self-sufficiency. Foolishness. That's when the time bomb blew.

Hence, I got injured, spiritually and physically. It would have been sooner or later. I never knew I had scoliosis.

In the bible, there's a story about a man whose central prayer in his life was to have a son. When God finally did bless him with a son named Isaac and promised that he would have many descendants, He told him to kill Isaac. God told him to bring Isaac, the son he so dearly loved, up the mountain to kill him. And the man obeyed, because he trusted God. Just at the moment of slaughter, God intervened and Isaac was spared.

How can God be so masochistic. On the outside, it seems like He was being cruel. But really, He was dealing with the destructive idols in the man's life and teaching him to put his value and security in God alone, rather than in his son. Nothing on earth belongs to us, nothing.

A friend had jokingly asked me a week ago whether his wife could ride my bike since I was now injured. I laughed out loud, because surely he knew it was an almost $3000 gift, and almost brandnew. Days later, I wrote to him saying he could come anytime, because God was teaching me to cling loose, to let go.

As I walked out from my phyiotherapist's home, a tree with sinewy roots caught my eye. It reminded me of a dream and vision I had years ago, and served to remind me not to make physiotherapy, pilates or anything else for that matter, my new god.

I am learning, that it's time for me to go up the mountain and lay my Isaac down. I've to let triathlon go, have to accept there could be a possibility of me never biking with my biking buddies again or taking part in another race. I have to accept that I will inevitably gain some weight during this process and learn to have more compassion for myself and others. And I must realise, that I could possibly gain the weight and never lose it again. Would I be okay with that?

The pain at the fracture site lingers still. "Be patient Wai Jia, this sort of fracture takes a really long time to heal because it's very hard to immobilise that muscle. I understand it's painful."

My publisher says my next book, A Taste of Rainbow should be out by October, that's also when my self-imposed 100-day bike fast ends. May that healing (spiritual, physical and emotional) be wholly complete by then.

Meanwhile, I'm going up the mountain with my Isaacs. Aphrodite must be destroyed.

"We need to find a way to keep from clutching them too tightly,

of being enslaved to them...

As many have learned and later taught,

you don't realise God is all you need

until God is all you have."

-Timothy Keller

"I also want women to dress modestly,

with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,

but with good deeds,

appropriate for women who profess to worship God. "

-1 Tim 2:9

Good friends.

We spent a long time updating each other about each other's lives, because you were overseas for a few weeks.

"Wai Jia! I can't believe you ACCOSTED that person and STOLE his umbrella!! YOU'RE A RAINBOW UMBRELLA-ACCOSTER!"

"No I'm not. I gave him my umbrella in return. He offered to give it to me after I told him my story."

"You CHARMED him into it."

"I did not. I was very matter-of-fact about it. He could have refused."

"Umbrella-stealer."

"You're still my friend, right?"

"I'll think about it."

My Rainbow Umbrella.

When I saw it, I froze. Then, I ran. God, you've got to be kidding. (And please protect my fracture while I make a dash.)


Many months back while I was on a medical elective in a missions hospital at Kalimantan, I saw the Indonesian people in the small town carrying these huge rainbow-coloured umbrellas. Years ago in Nepal while visiting the orphanage, I saw them quite frequently too. They were cheap. They were massive. They were practical.

Most of all, I thought they were beautiful.

A rainbow-colored umbrella. What a poignant metaphor.

So you can imagine my gratitude and utter joy when a new friend I had made in Kalimantan had gone out of his way to get that rainbow-coloured umbrella for me as a parting gift. It touched me deeply.

It was very precious, even more so because I had plans to use it for a photoshoot for my next book, A Taste of Rainbow. I placed it in my living room. It was very precious.


Then, it got lost.


How, I do not know. I never had the chance to even bring it out of the house. Our home helper, W, insisted she had never seen it, even though it was huge. I remember showing it to her many months ago. She claimed to have searched the entire house, which isn't very big if you've seen my place. It was around that time I lost it when my loved ones claimed to have lost some items from their drawers as well. After pressing W persistently, the lost items mysteriously re-appeared. Of late, many horror stories about maids on the newspapers had left us quite disillusioned, too. But of all things, I knew an umbrella was hardly worth stealing. Yet as the days went by, as I became increasingly sure of where I had placed it, as this lost item continually niggled at me, and as I became irritated, the thoughts of it being stolen became... less impossible.
It seemed a stupid thing to be so preoccupied by an item so seemingly unimportant. It seemed even more stupid to be suspicious that it was stolen.

But a friend had just lost a maid because she started to steal. That's how we also lost our previous home-helper who'd served us for 13 years faithfully.

Don't we keep score of our emotional debts this way too? Some of them are hardly worth remembering, yet we keep score anyway.

I searched everywhere. I combed the house for weeks-my house isn't big to begin with. I went to the stores to see if I could find it. I scoured the internet. And I also asked friends travelling to Indonesia to keep a lookout for it for me. It was ridiculous. It's just an umbrella. Let it go.

Don't we like to harbour our debts in the same way too? We hunt the wrongs done to us down, almost pathologically.

What I didn't realise was how relevant this incident was to God's lesson to me this season. My accident was a mark of the end of the season for learning about Faith. After my fracture and torn gracilis muscle, I saw how God was consistently speaking to me about the meaning of Grace. Grace is what we receive from God when we are given what we don't deserve. It is what we need every day, if only we were humble enough to admit so. In the same way, grace is what we extend to others when we choose to give them what we think they may not deserve, too.

It was only recently at church that I saw how closely bitterness is linked to grace, or rather, a lack of it. It hit me like a tonne of bricks to read one day, ".. lest anyone fall short of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble..."-Hebrews 12:15.

I knew, that there were roots of bitterness in the soil of my heart, and they had left me sick, frustrated, angry at certain people in my life. For months, I had prayed about certain broken relationships. God finally revealed to me that Grace was needed. I couldn't forgive on my own.

Over breakfast today, before I shared anything much about myself, Aunty Ay shared that her maid had left. Aunty Ay admitted she was bitter because her maid had stolen things, and her family had, in their opinion, treated her as best as they could. It was then when it hit the both of us, that we both needed God's grace to overcome our situation, and we needed to extend grace to people around us. After all, what is something stolen compared to the hurt of accusation or the price to pay for bitterness? We both agreed that the missing items, in the light of relationships and the value of grace which God was teaching us through these situations, were absolutely insignificant.

I went home, silent. Silly me. It's just an umbrella. So what if I'll never find it. So what if it was really stolen. Does it really matter? W has been serving us faithfully for the past 9 years. It is because of her that our home is kept in order. So what if she took it and could not admit it? Maybe she gave it to a friend who really needed it. And perhaps, she didn't take it at all. It could still be somewhere at home, hiding.

I went into my room and prayed. This wasn't about an umbrella. This was a prayer for Grace, to uproot all the roots of bitterness I had allowed to sink into my life. This was a prayer for God's divine spirit to help me forgive the people whom I felt had hurt and wronged me.

A quick prayer and I was out of the house again, rushing out to meet a friend for lunch. I was about to cross the road when I saw a man in a jet-black shirt and pants carrying the most iridescent and beautiful rainbow umbrella!

I froze.

Then, I ran.

God, I don't believe this. You've got to be kidding.


"Hi." I stopped him. And then, I did what I often do. I said hello and made small talk with a complete stranger. It was awkward. He wasn't even Singaporean.

"I know this sounds really strange, but I've been looking all over for a rainbow umbrella just like yours, and I was wondering, if... if I could buy it from you."

He was stunned.

"No."

"No?"

The word crushed me like an ant beneath an anvil.

I didn't know what else to do. "Then could you tell me where you got this from? So I can buy one, too?"

"It's from Durham."

"Durham? Like USA?"

Great.

So I start to tell him about the umbrella I lost, about what rainbows mean to me, and about the book and the photoshoot I am going to do, and maybe he felt sorry, or surprised or amused or genuinely moved, but he said, "Here you go."

"How much would you like for it?"

"Take it," he smiled. The Filipino man in black smiled.

I gave him my jet-black umbrella in return. "Here," I said. "For you."

"Oh, an exchange!" He said, bemused.

And so that is how my rainbow umbrella got united with me again.

Sometimes, I think it startles me to know how real and personal God can be. And dramatic, too. All this happened within the hour I told Aunty Ay about my umbrella, and within minutes of my prayer for Grace.

I am learning, He doesn't care about what we lose, what we fracture, or what we think as much as what we learn, what we gain and how we grow as people. Today I learnt about the power of Grace, about its necessity to remove bitterness, and its immense power to unleash the infinite grace of God into our lives.

Grace-it means getting what we don't really deserve.

So that's the story of my rainbow umbrella. I brought it all the way to town today, and I couldn't stop beaming. I was visiting my favorite art gallery, and staring at the display windows of Kate Spade, wondering why on earth these handbags are so expensive, when a mime performer tapped my shoulder, asked for my rainbow umbrella and started performing in public with it. The mime performer took my umbrella, balanced it on her hand, tossed her black tophat upon it, then balanced it on her chin and demanded, in mock enthusiasm, for me to clap. I did. It was hilarious, and it made my day.

Thank you, God, for giving me my rainbow umbrella today. It made me so iridescently happy.

And thank You, for showing me what it means to extend grace to others, and for extending your unending, amazing grace to me, too.

Love You.

pic from llcheesell.tumblr.com

".. lest anyone fall short of the grace of God,

lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble..."

-Hebrews 12:15.