Random Beautiful Things.

"If you have been covering your light, uncover it!"

- Oswald Chambers,

Studies on Sermon on the Mount

I'll have to admit- I did think of turning back.

After the hoohah which happened last week, and the barrage of interviews from newspapers asking for me to share my story (some of whom weren't very nice), I was mometarily discouraged. I wondered why I'd even started this journey in the first place. Some of the questions were rude, overly personal and dogged, even though I had drawn my boundaries. As more requests for interviews streamed in, I asked myself if I really wanted to subject myself to such public judgement, critique and exposure.

My major depressive episode came right after my first book Kitesong was published. Amidst many things, I know, in retrospect, that one of the reasons for that depression was my inability to cope with the sudden success of the project. People started saying ill things and I overheard suspicions of my intentions. Still fairly new in my relationship with God, I let the many storms around me during the time wash me from the shore.

To be honest, I worried that the same would happen this time. My dad had warned me before, that in spite of one's best intentions, people would still doubt one's motivations- yet, one must not let that affect one's mission. 5 years later, with my roots sunk in deeper into God, I am learning, that what is most important, is not how we are seen by others, but how we are seen by God Himself.

Do you sometimes feel that the risk to pursue your dreams is too great for your reputation to bear? What if it fails? What if it becomes the subject of ridicule and critique?

I am learning, that the truth is, climbing mountains will definitely put you in a conspicuous, vulnerable position. However, like a lampstand on a hill, it also gives you more influence over the surrounding landscape. It gives you the potential to transform your community.

Last Saturday, as I shared my story in front of an audience at the book launch during the public health forum, I became acutely aware of my vulnerability. With the new website up, everyone would know my story. Unlike Kitesong, this project brings a very broken part of my life into the foreground. For the message to be sent, it must be so.

But I was encouraged- that so many parents of people struggling with this illness, sufferers themselves and some of you were there; I was encouraged, to hear the questions asked during the Q & A segment, and how I was able to answer many of them because of my experience with it; I was encouraged, that in the most amazing and unexpected way, God had used my brokeness for glory, and my darkness for good.

I was in awe. After 5 years of storms and struggle, Rainbow had finally come to pass.

There was book-signing at the end. Most of the crowd left with a copy of the book. However, none of that encouraged me as much as the 2 encounters I had with 2 of you from this space. One of you came to encourage me with the most kind and genuine words of encouragement, and another with a beautiful letter and a box of hand-made rainbow-coloured cupcakes which were rainbow coloured through and through (even in the inside!) :) We had never met before. As I learnt how my writing had impacted your life, I was reminded and spurred to continue with what God had placed in my heart.

Your courage to share with me how a complete stranger like me had touched your life reminded me of the importance of touching lives. Every life counts. It encouraged me, to keep on track in my mission, and not to let a few setbacks discourage me. Yesterday, one of you left a note here to share how this space has encouraged you. In the way that mine has touched your life, you have touched mine, too.

A few days ago, as I struggled with whether or not to accept another interview scheduled in April, I read from the bible, about how we are spurred on to be like "salt and light" in our community.

A little bit of salt transforms an entire dish and has the ability to preserve wholeness, while light can shine into the filthiest of places without being soiled. Nonetheless, salt can cause irritation on an open wound, and light attracts bats and moths- our genuine intentions can most certainly attract gossip and evil. Being defrauded by others is almost certain. What is important, however, is that we remember, nonetheless, to uncover our light!

So to bits with what people say. And you shouldn't mind either if you face discouragement along the way with your passions and dreams either.

Flee from the temptation of changing from salt into a cloying, people-pleasing sweetness.

Flee from hiding your light under a bushel for fear of being judged.

Walk as children of light.

Shine in the darkness.

Where evil lies, shine more brightly, still.

Thank you for these random, beautiful gifts, notes and words of encouragement.

You have touched my life too.

"You are the salt of the earth;

but if the salt loses its flavour, how shall it be seasoned?

... You are light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden...

...Let your light shine before men..."

- Matthew 5:13-16

Meant for Good.

* Wai Jia would like to thank you for all your support and encouragement, prayer and love for her book launch which went super yesterday. Thank you for the thoughtful gifts you brought for her. She will share more about the launch soon. But in the meantime, a reflection from the happenings of last week:


Was that a threat?

Looking back, so it was.

My publisher had warned me about the media before. With stories in their hands, things can go both ways- depending on whether they put a positive or negative spin to them. I always took that with a pinch of salt. This time, I saw the ugliness for myself.

Last Thursday, I turned 24. I was looking forward to an interview regarding my next book covered by an important paper which had been organised in advance. Little did I expect the experience which unfolded.

As soon as the interview started, it started to pour.

A doctor and a counsellor sat in with me. They were there to filter out inappropriate or over-personal questions. One thing which had been emphasized to me was not to reveal information regarding my specific weight and height, from then till now, and to avoid giving examples of anorexic habits. Over the years through the media, these information, unfortunately, had a negative effect on the public-at-large, as this negative publicity inadvertently "taught" young girls how to do it. These publicised weights and heights quoted on paper could also be detrimental to those already struggling.

I agreed.

Something was wrong. For some reason, I was very uncomfortable through the entire interview. I have entertained interviews from newspapers, television and radio stations- none left me feeling the way I did on that cold, dreary day.

It was the tone of the interview, the way I was shot personal question after personal question about my eating behaviours when I was ill, with little consideration to how I might have felt. I understood the importance of being open with my story and had done so with the previous interview, but was shocked by the dogged persistence of the reporter in knowing my exact weight during my sickness.

We explained that the number, for the sake of the general public, should not be disclosed. Focusing on the weight, would in fact, compound the misconception that anorexia and weight was about numbers-they aren't. In fact, people need not be very thin to be anorexic, since everybody's baseline is different to begin with. Eating disorders are about the complex emotional, psychological and physical well-being of the person. In today's day and age, using the Body Mass Index as a guide is far more useful and healthy, since weights and numbers only further compound the myth that less is better.

"We can share the BMI with you."

But she pushed further. It would be harmful, we maintained. "I'm sorry I'm not able to comment on the exact number," I said again. " But this was my BMI then. We have to be very careful about conveying the right information. During the radio interview I had last week, the talkshow host asked the same question- but used the opportunity to educate the public instead, that such figures were sensitive and may have negative consequences. This project aims to help people, not harm them. I'm sorry to put you in a spot."

" We can't run your story unless we have your weight. BMI is not good enough."

"Perhaps you could write about..."

I had scarcely finished my sentence when she snapped sharply, "You have no right to tell me what I can or cannot write!"

Shocked by her response and the loss of professional decorum, the rest of us in the room looked at one another in amazement.

It continued to pour outside. The focus of the interview was all about how sick I had been. She had made little effort to find out much more about the project, and it became obvious that this was an interview she had been assigned to, perhaps grudgingly. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. There was something about the methodical, hungry way the questions were asked and the choice of words used which made me uncomfortable. I felt used. I felt like part of an agenda I never asked to be a part of.

The skies outside were very grey. It was a grim day.

When the interview ended, I was quite shaken. They asked for a photoshoot. For some reason, because of the rain and lack of light, it was impossible to take a good shot.

That night, I was called and text messaged endlessly. What could have been a day of productive studying, or at least, a good time spent with friends became a game of table-tennis, pingponging calls from the middleman who had organised the interview and the reporter, pushing me to reveal my weight and height. It was almost ridiculous, to see how all this hoohah was centred on a number they so badly wanted.

"No weight, no story. But if you give an exact figure, it'll come out."

Was that a threat? Why was there such an obsession over the number?

I thought about it for a long time. I discussed it with the people involved and they were surprised by how my boundaries had not been respected. Another 3 hours passed as I was harangued continually. We weighed the cost. If we stood our ground, we would lose the media coverage for the book launch completely; but if we relented, we would definitely stand the chance. It was a tough choice. I sat down and prayed. God, what would you have me do? This project was used to help people, to harm them. Why did they not understand the sensitivities of such information?

She called again. "Can I just write X kg?"

"That's just plain inaccurate."

This was getting ludicrous. I had to make a choice.

3 hours later, after much discussion with everyone involved, I finally made the decision. "No, we're not disclosing the number. It's not helpful for people struggling," I said.

It was a matter of principle, as Dad would say. It was a matter of integrity. People will always pressurise us to conform to their standards and agendas, but I learnt, that when God asks us to make a stand for what is right, we must.

Later, I learnt, to my horror, that the story they had woven was a rather sensationalistic one, which would harm me. Feeling completely shaken, disappointed and drained that night, I cried to sleep. Now, nobody knew if the story would come out. They might still run it, and it was obvious by then that it would be a story to my detriment. I was angry with the reporter, and angry with the person who had organised this- in their eagerness for publicity and a "good story", they had lost sight of the bigger picture to help others in need.

It's easy to say that it doesn't matter how people look at you as long as you stand right in God's eyes, but I have to confess, I was petrified that after all this hard work, Rainbow would be trodden down and my reputation would be at stake.

A friend encouraged me with a story from the bible. It was about a boy named Joseph, who was betrayed by his brothers. Jealous of him, they had sold him as a slave to Egypt and reported him dead to their father. But because Joseph was a righteous man in God's eyes, his life was preserved. Not only that, but he was raised to the position of KING.

On the day when his brothers discovered he was crowned king and fell at his feet in horror, he told them, "But as for me, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." -Gen 50:29-21

I read that over and over. That night, I dreamt of myself searching through the papers for the sensationalistic article the paper had written. I saw a huge hand from the sky reach into the papers to pluck it out for my protection.

The next day, nothing was published. They dropped the article because they didn't have that one number. Later, I learnt that it was very likely that they had already set their mind on the sensationalistic angle of the story, and it was a decision not to conform to their agenda because of a stand for integrity that saved Rainbow.

No publicity is better than bad publicity, my puslisher said. I agreed.

I learnt a crucial life lesson that day: that if you stand right in God's eyes, God will stand right beside you. No harm will come near to you if you make the stand for integrity.

The next day, I received news of a talkshow and another magazine who wanted an interview- they were from good sources with genuine motives. I had another 3 yesterday. None were harmful.

A friend reminded me, "Wai Jia, God will always, always save the best for you."

So we need not worry.

Even though we missed what could have been a great opportunity to publicise the book launch, yesterday's turnout was greater than what anyone expected.

And because of that horrid experience last week, I am now no longer intimidated by reporters.

I know, there'll be many more interviews to come. And I'm ready to take them on, even if I find out I have to reject them.

He makes all things well.

http://promisesofgod.tumblr.com/

Thank you all for your incredible support and love.

Please visit www.kitesong.sg/atasteofrainbow

to find out how you can help a loved one

or support the cause today.

"But as for me, you meant evil against me,

but God meant it for good,

in order to bring it about as it is this day,

to save many people alive."

-Gen 50:29-21

Milestone.

This week has been a little tumultuous, to say the least. One radio interview, one therapy session, one newspaper interview, one blow from a malicious source, one birthday past, one rush to get the website rolled out, and studying daily to prepare for my final exams, and...

... the book launch is tomorrow.

I will be sharing about my journey to recovery to an audience of people who may be struggling with this, and their friends and family.

This is a milestone. When people ask me where I am now in recovery, I tell them I am fully recovered. Nonetheless, this does not mean I am perfect. Life, is a continuous journey, and I'm still redisovering new things about myself every day.

But I'm thankful, that God is teaching me I don't have to go through this alone. I used to think: I have to sort myself out before I'm worthy enough to give a speech, or do a book launch, or enter a relationship. Now, I am learning, that it is precisely our inadequacies which take away our pride of self-sufficiency and give us enough humility to draw our daily strength from God.

Till today, I still have the tendency to over-critique myself, heh.

But nobody's perfect. Really.

And it's okay :)

And I'm just thankful too, that God has His way of reaching out to us, showing us how He is always in control, however people try to put us down, or use us for their own agendas. It helps to remember, that we belong to Him, and not to man's wicked plans. It helps to remember, that with big dreams, come big obstacles. And it helps to remember, that God does not see us as achievers and do-ers, as much as He sees us as precious children, learning life lessons along the way.

So here's to turning 24, and to launching my next book.

Here's to launching my new site, with thanks to Joseph for initiating this idea. Thank you for walking with me.

Here's introducing you to this new space- enjoy http://www.kitesong.sg/.

No fear!

The past few days have been a whirlwind- what with preparing for press releases and the upcoming book launch, getting random phonecalls from various insitutions and getting invited for talks and interviews, delivering books to different places, shooting text messages and emails to and fro, planning for TV appearances and radio interviews, getting the project's website together. All this, in between seeing patients and studying my last few chapters on Paediatrics, ha.

It looks like the next 2 weeks will be punctuated with interviews from the press. And a lot of other unexpected surprises.

With so many things happening, a part of me is afraid of getting caught in the frazzle and afraid of screwing up. Saying the wrong thing! Liasing with the wrong person! Having to deal with miscommunication! Getting told off (again!) Argggh.

I've never done this sort of thing before.



What if I say something silly? What if people misintepret me? What if things turn out wrongly?



Bah. I'm only human. I'm taking my final exams in 2 weeks. (Yea, don't worry, I'm putting off the non-urgent talks and all till after my finals).



I'm just gonna do my best-for both my exams and the project. And pray that people's lives will be touched. And let God do the rest.



I just need a big dose of self-encouragement, and a lot of fruit tea, ha. Somehow, I've faith that God'll see me through these mountains.



Okay God, I'm counting on ya. So here goes my self-encouragement:

No fear! Have faith! NO screw ups!

(and so what if i do, ha!)

Cheers to courage!


"Fear never wrote a symphony or poem,

negotiated a peace treaty,

or cured a disease.

Fear never pulled a family out of poverty or a country out of bigotry.

Fear never saved a marriage or a business.

Courage did that. Faith did that.

People who refused to consult with or cower to their timidity did that.”

- Max Lucado

Prayer requests:

Please pray for me,

for wisdom, clarity and favour;

for Rainbow to touch many lives,

and...

... to pass! :)

(Final exams on 8-27 March.)

Thank you!

Hot off the press.

Rainbow is finally out!


Book launch is on 26 Feb!


At a public forum to promote awareness of eating disorders!

Come if you know someone suffering,
Bring them along if their hearts are open.

Or simply,
come,

just because you want to learn more about this unspoken thing,

You never know
when you may help someone else in need in future.

A Taste of Rainbow will be distributed free
as part of a public education project
in bookstores and selected national library branches.

Kinokuniya, Books Actually, Birds & Co, NUS Counselling Centre, CHAT Hub at SCAPE ,

& selected NLB libraries.

More details soon.

Public Forum & Book Launch Details:
26 February 2011, Saturday
9.30am – 12.30pm
The Pod @ The National Library
Fee: $5 per person (includes tea break)
$8 per person for same-day registration

Limited seats available,

so register now by emailing your name & contact details to:
ed.publicforum@sgh.com.sg or call Raji @ 6327 9879 today.


Program

9:30–10.00am: Registration

10.00–10:05am: Welcome Address

10:05–10:25am: What are Eating Disorders?
by Dr Ng Kah Wee, Registrar
Dept of Psychiatry, SGH

10:25–10:45am: Medical Complications of Eating Disorders
by Dr Kumudhini Rajasegaran
Head, General Paediatrics & Adolescent Medicine Service KKWCH

10:45–11.15am: Tea Break

11.15–11:35am: Treatment of Eating Disorders
by Dr Lee Huei Yen
Director, SGH Eating Disorders Treatment Program
Dept of Psychiatry, SGH

11:35–11:55am: Getting Help for You or Your Loved One
by Ms Netty Ryanie
Senior Staff Nurse, Specialty Care, SGH

11:55–12:10pm Book Launch ~ “A Taste of Rainbow”
by Tan Wai Jia

12:10–12:30pm Question & Answer Session

Thank you God,

for Rainbows.