More than enough.

Final exams start in 2 days.

You might be wondering why I am still writing, why it seems like my life is still moving along as normal, why I don't seem stressed about it. I don't want to sound over-confident, but over the past 5 years, the storms in life have taught me that consistency, a genuine love for the subject, and more importantly, trust in God, can bring one through the tallest of obstacles. Even when I was very ill, God brought me through every exam, so I'm determined not to freak out, but simply, to enjoy this very memeorable milestone in my life.

To my juniors, just remember, that you'll be taking exams all your life, even after graduation, so take them in your stride. Life, goes on.


*Wai Jia wants to thank all of you for your generous red packets given to her over her birthday. (A red packet is a monetary gift given by Chinese people over Chinese New Year as a form of blessing to the recipient).

Including the belated gift yesterday, she has received $2050 this year, and has decided to put them aside for various causes.

She knows some of you might be exasperated why she didn't keep your money for herself, but by giving her the opportunity and means to give, this also gives her more room to spend her own allowance/pay on herself, so it all works out. This year, she knows God is teaching her about Self-care and loving herself, a lesson she has never learnt to her own detriment, so as hard as it is, she promises to try and take good care of herself before others.

She is especially thankful for a lump donation of a thousand dollars by a friend of the same age, who gave out of his generosity, even though he hasn't even started working yet. He simply said, "Yea, take it. Just let me know what you do with it. Anything you like!"

"Wow, haha. Thanks for trusting me with it. What if I take them and buy a new wheelset for my bike, haha?" she said cheekily.

"No problem! Haha, but seriously, I know God will tell you what to do with it. No worries!"


And just so I remember the commitment I made to myself on my birthday:

$2050 received:

- $400: Grandpa Zhou's medical fees for a year. (It works out to be about this sum.)

- $400: Alisha's medical fees for followup for her hearing implant. She will need to fly to Singapore once more this year. Each flight unfortunately costs about $2000. Thereafter, she will return once a year for followup and therapy. She also needs to buy insurance for the very expensive cochlear implant.

- $400: For Africa, when I fly to Iris Ministries in Mozambique right after my final exams.

- $400: Either for Nepal or Smokey Mountain.

- $450: For another cause I stumble upon this year :) :)


This is my commitment for 2011.

Thank you all for your generosity and trust. Your love will go a long way to touching the lives of people around us.

To be honest, I was worried that this year was going to be a year of deficit. Thank you for showing me that God is always enough.

Killing the dragon.

It was just the other day when my close friends joked, "Babe, your birthday celebrations are even longer-drawn than Chinese New Year... Chinese New Year lasts for 15 days, but yours seems to last longer than that!"

So it was true. They celebrated and made it special so many times that M asked me, "CAN YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT 24 YET?!"

It's been exactly a month since I celebrated my 24th birthday (early). Today, two gifts arrived at my doorstep. One, in the form of a lovely package and card and more money for the causes I support; and two, a letter which made me tear.

I guess, this year really is a year of daring to have greater faith, and daring to step out of my preconceived notions into greater adventures.

"I just feel I want to say a few things to you... about relationships, love and marriage. And no, I'm not trying to change your mind on anything that you may have decided for yourself... I just want to know that you've had an opportunity to see another perspective on the subject.

Having lived through several stupid mistakes and learned from them, I am a firm believer that love is a decision. I don't mean to say that it's purely rational/logical and that feelings can come later, because that would be regressing or falling into the pit of undervalueing God's gifts of emotions and spiritual sensing. What I am saying is that because God is love and because God chose the man-woman relationship (courtship and marriage) as the ultimate representation of His spiritual relationship with us and there are precious secrets hidden in this that cannot be found elsewhere...

Do not mistake me. I am not saying your life is incomplete if you aren't married. I am saying that unless directed by God to be celibate, marriage is a wonderful thing to desire and work towards. And trust me, it will take a lot of work. After all, it is about two flawed and sinful and selfish people coming together to attempt to build life together, and the road isn't easy. But the beauties of this strange experience- two becoming one- are myriad and deep and multifaceted, and I am convicted that nothing can match it.

Think of it: it's not simply physical, but something that happens in the spirit world, that God no longer sees you as two, but as one. Now what does that mean? How does that translate into individual paths? And yet, you are still unique individuals in His sight. Does this help you begin to understand the mystery of the trinity we describe God as?

As I have said before,

God opens many doors and windows to us in this life- not always as directives or commands,

but sometimes simply to bestow His largesse...

and sometimes, just to test if we will make our choices

from our own preconceived notions or if we will ASK HIM.

The road ahead of you is going to be full of excitement, and I pray that you are clearly led in every aspect by God. This is how you will find your greatest joy and fulfillment in Him, because true surrender to God's calling is not always about pleasing Him- it is sometimes also in finding pleasure for ourselves in what He has chosen to give."

A close friend asked me out for a long early morning run today. We were talking about life, and she said to me, "You need to have more faith, Wai Jia."

"But I can't help this anxious feeling inside. It's so... unnerving. There're so many question marks, no answers, and everything is up in the air."

"Yea, but you gotta deal with it. It's a timely lesson to learn that there're many things in life we can't control, and this is one of them. Just have faith, things are going to turn out fine. At the right time, everything will fall into place."

And in the evening, came another letter in the form of an email:

Do you really believe if we seek, God will provide a way? Do you also really believe that God knows of our needs and knows how to take care of us like He does with sparrows?

So here goes, 2011 is going to be a year of having greater faith, of stepping into things larger than I can conceive, and a year of killing the dragon.

Keep on asking,

and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking,

and you will find.

Keep on knocking,

and the door will be opened to you."

-Matthew 7:7

Rainbow Balloons.

Every year, you guys make my birthday celebrations more special.

At Sunday School last week, I was asked to share in front of all the children about anything I wanted. This time, I shared about our needless worries and God's endless provision.

I was worried about not being able to celebrate my birthday with all my friends and family, because 24th of February is just too close to my final examinations; but celebrating it on the 5th over the Chinese New Year weekend was a lovely alternative.

I was worried about not finding a suitable place to host all my friends, worried about how expensive it would cost to book a restaurant, and worries about how atmosphere-less a function room might be. I was worried, because many places didn't permit me to screen my powerpoint presentation, which was my sharing about my journey through my short life- the most important part of my gathering.

But just 2 weeks before my birthday, someone randomly brought me to a quaint, cosy cafe. It was large and spacious, it had lovely stencilled sparrows all over the beautifully wallpapered walls and the best part was, the owner turned out to be from the same church as I and decided to waive off all the cost of the room. When I arrived that day, he had set up the projector beautifully for me.

I was worried that no one would show up because it was the Chinese New Year weekend. I was worried that people wouldn't come because they'd to pay $15 per pax. (I can't afford paying for everyone.) I crossed my fingers and prayed that at least 35 people would show up. In the end, more than 60 people came and we had such a good time.

The missionary, Josephine had brought Alisha and her mother to the gathering since they were in Singapore, Mr. Ho (my college teacher whom I'd dedicated Kitesong to), and many old friends showed up. One of my ex-patients came with her family. There were friends from my primary school, church, medical faculty, triathlon group, blog... it was like a massive facebook gathering of sorts where there were 6 degrees of separation between people.

Alisha with her new hearing implant

Mr Ho, who taught me to love reading

I was worried that there might not be enough food, that people would be upset. But the food kept coming, there was more than enough. And we all ended the night with a sweet dose of vanilla icecream and rainbow sprinkles :)

This time, I made it very clear in my invite that I didn't want presents. The whole point for me organising the gathering was for me to share my journey about my next book, A Taste of Rainbow, with everyone and to thank my friends for all that they had done for me. I asked for items for donation to my next mission trip, and only hand-written cards if really necessary. I was worried that my subconscious self might be disappointed. I was a little worried (haha) that my planning had ruined any chance for surprises.

But I received so many cards, and the world's most lovely tulips and rainbow-coloured helium balloons and a cake with a hand-made rainbow on top.

my friends trying to surprise me still

the cake and the handmade rainbow!

Grandpa Zhou performed 3 songs. Dr. Darren Chua, a fellow recipient of the Young Outstanding Singaporean Award (the doctor who suffered a debilitating stroke upon graduation but made a resilent comeback to impact young lives through his education centre) gave an inspiring word of encouragement. I presented my powerpoint presentation on the message of the Beauty of Temporary Afflictions :)

Grandpa Zhou playing his harmonica and singing!

Dr Darren sharing his inspiring story

I worried that people would find my sharing or Grandpa Zhou's performance boring or awkward. Or that people might judge me for sharing my journey so openly. But everyone enjoyed it. Everyone was so very loving and encouraging and supportive.

There were so many people, so many presents, so many donations of clothes and toys and items for my next mission trip to Africa.

When I got home, I flipped when I opened up my presents.

To be honest, I've always harboured a dirty little secret- that is, I am often in deficit when it comes to accounts. I don't really save, and end up giving a lot of my money away. It hurt my dignity, to go to a cash machine and realise I had 4 dollars left. It wasn't funny. I was worried about Grandpa Zhou's medical fees for the new year, because the money from last year's sponsor had run out.

That night, I received almost a thousand dollars in the form of red packets ( a kind of monetary tradition of the lunar new year). One packet from my ex-classmate who had sat next to me when I was 10 years old in class gave me $500. Another had promised he had set aside a thousand for any cause I might encounter over this year. Now I can donate my money freely, and also learn to save. I have committed, to set aside all the money in red packets that night for worthy causes.

I worried. And God provided.

I worry, I always worry. But God always, always provides.

my 3 girlfriends who know how to give the BEST surprises

and exactly how to make fairytales come true! :)

my triathlon and cycling friends

and EVERYBODY!

Thank God for being Always Enough.

And thank you, friends, for making it down for my 24th birthday gathering.

Thank you, to the rest of you,

for journeying with me on this space.

That night,

my rainbow coloured balloons in my living room

floated out into the darkness of the night sky.

Happiness and freedom

make dreams come true :)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life...

...Look at the birds of the air;

they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not much more valuable than they?

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

-Mathew 6:25-27

Early Birthday.

I used to hate birthdays when I was younger- mainly because it was in February and people forgot it often. It was too early in the year for people in new classes to really get to know you enough. My family isn't into parties.

When I turned 21, things changed. A crazy bunch of friends knocked on my door at noon, whooshed me into a car blindfolded after putting a sack over me (so much for trying to simulate kidnap), and surprised me in a glasshouse cafe where everyone was waiting for me, with a self-written song to my then favourite tune of Yellow by Coldplay.

Birthdays have never been the same since.

This year I wanted to celebrate it with everyone I know. I wanted to thank the people who matter to me in my life because each of you have sown into it. I turn 24 on the 24th of February this year. It also happens to be my zodiac year. But it's too close to the final exams and also in the week of my book launch, so...

... I'm celebrating it tomorrow. With everyone I know. Yes, everyone is invited.

This year, some rules from last year's gathering still apply. One, no presents. I'll be honest with you to say gifts do make me incredibly happy, except I didn't want everyone who came to feel obliged to get something for me- after all, it's my way of saying thank you for being a part of my life. I know my die-hard present-giver friends are already plotting something, and that's enough for me.

Last year, I wanted many things. After my injury, I wanted a new saddle, then new gloves and a bicycle-trainer. I needed a new helmet and glasses as well. As the year went by and I never got the things I needed (namely because every time they went on offer, someone snapped it up first), I realised I never really needed them in the first place. I eventually got used to my present saddle, and realised I don't enjoy stationary cycling enough to warrant a bicycle training contraption.

I learnt, the important things in life can't be bought.

Looking back, however, I see the time my friends spent with me as I nursed my injury, see the encouragement they gave to me and the words of affirmation they lavished on me to spur me on, and realise that is what I cherish the most. Memories of crazy-early morning cycling through the city as if we owned the world, of spontaneous lunches and lazy swims, of over-the-phone prayers and long letters... made 23 worthy to remember.

But 24 is soon here, and will soon be over.

I learnt a lot being 23. I learnt about the importance of clinging loosely to everything (like sports for example), about the importance of loving myself (this was hardest to come to terms with), and about the importance of making decisions.

Turning 24, means all of those things and more. It means embarking on a new mission, to seek out the expanse of what being a grown-up and a woman means. Maybe I could still hide behind being a Big Girl while being 23. But 24 is a Woman's age. I will graduate this year. My second book will be out this year and I will be talking to the press. I will take care of real patients and earn my own pay. I am going to Africa myself after my exams. There's nothing girly about that anymore.

Still, I can't quite bring myself to let go of two things- falling in love and learning to drive are just too crazy to do. I would gladly try for another triathlon (injury-free of course), gladly take 3 flights to a remote part of Africa (that will true, by the way), but falling in love is too much of release and driving is too much of control for my own comfort.

Those are things I must learn.

But for now, for tomorrow, I'm just thankful for those of you who'll be there. For those of you who would put aside Chinese New Year celebration plans on a weekend night to make your way down to an out-of-the-way cafe- restaurant just to spend a night with me. There's a programme lined up, I've been dead tired trying to organise this thing together, and I hope you will leave more inspired and hopeful with the things of this world.

So yea, I love gifts. Bring one if you want. But more than that, I love a handwritten card, love you coming down and allowing me to share my life with you.

Just friends, good music, simple food, and a lot of laughs. Ice-cream, rainbow-coloured sprinkles and heartfelt sharing.

I just want to thank each of you for being a part of my life. Thank you.

In Your Eyes.

"Wo na tian zhen de hen kai xin." It means, I was so very happy that day.

"Na zhong chang mian wo mei you kan guo." It means, never before have I seen an occasion like that in my life. I was really happy.

Grandpa Zhou said he was really happy that day, just singing and laughing with everybody. Friends, you really made his day, did you know that? Now, that memory will forever be inscribed in his heart, will forever fill what once used to be a void in a dark, angry place.

Something of eternal value bloomed in his heart that night.

"Okay, but tell me, Grandpa Zhou, what was the most memorable part about that occasion for you? What was the greatest lesson you learnt?"

"Oh I was so happy! Everyone was singing with me! And clapping! Oh I had so much fun! All your friends.... they were calling me Grandpa Zhou (Zhou yeye)! Grandpa! (Yeye!)"

He went on. He couldn't stop telling me about the many people he met, about what he thought about my friends, what he thought about my new bike, and about the sharing I gave...

"... okay Grandpa Zhou, but tell me, what is the GREATEST lesson you learnt that day? Ni you mei you ke fu? Did you overcome?"

He paused, had that frozen, blinking look in his face, before saying, " Yes, I overcame my fears. I no longer feel inferior anymore. Shang di de yan guang gen ren de yan guang shi bu yi yang de! The way God sees us is vastly different from the way people see us, and only God's eyes matter! I had a lot of fun that night..."

"Did you feel anyone was looking down on you?"

He laughed out loud. It sounded like a chuckle. "Ha, no! In fact, I was having so much fun it didn't matter! I didn't even care!"

"Wow, what a breakthrough, Grandpa Zhou. Do you know, that overcoming one's fears is one of the most beautiful things in the world? Did you feel free?"

"Yes."

"Liberated? As if you didn't have a worry in the world?"

"Yea! God's opinion of us are more important than that of the world's!"

Wow, what a breakthrough. What a breakthrough from the time he used to put himself down, and made me cry.

I asked him if he had had dinner, and just as we were talking, a tubby-looking, pot-bellied, balding man with a plastic bag slung across his right shoulder (pardon my unforgiving description, I'm sure you sense my great affection for him) stood right there in front of the two of us who were seated at the steps of the train station and just stared. He just stopped right there, frowned and looked us up and down. He looked me up and down, me in my college shorts and bright red tee which said "God is GOOD all the time."

There was a look of utter derision and scorn in his face as his eyes stripped me, up and down. Who did he think he was?

Suddenly, I understood what Grandpa Zhou meant- what it meant to feel despised and trodden upon. What it meant to kan ren jia de yan guang. It means, to be looked down upon.

The pregnant man walked across the road and I said to Grandpa Zhou, "Did you see the way he was looking at us?"

"Of course," and he laughed, "... there're people like that all around. What do you think I meant when I told you people look down on me? You, a young girl sitting on the dirty steps on a train station talking to a man like me, why wouldn't he stop and stare?"

I was appalled. "Don't you ever let anyone ever look you up and down like that," I said. "The next time anyone does this to us again, I'm going to stand up and ask him what his problem is. Humph. In fact, I'm going to ask him what his problem is right now.."

Bald, pregnant Mr. look-you-up-and-down was walking across the road by then. I was about to get up and go after him (because I am crazy like that sometimes) when Grandpa Zhou said in a gentle, humble way, "I just told you, what matters is how God looks at us. Who cares what people think? You know what's amazing? The more we are despised and the more down-trodden we are, the more precious we are in God's sight. "

Say that again? Suddenly, I smiled. I was beaming. All these months I had coaxed, chided, lectured him on overcoming his inferiority complex to no avail and suddenly when I felt that someone had given me an undeserving scornful look, he had the grace, wisdom and strength to tell me that it didn't matter because God loved us, and we found favour in His eyes. And that was all that mattered.

24th of February. When everyone was singing and clapping to his tunes. When all of you welcomed him and called him "Grandpa Zhou". When you accorded him dignity and respect. That's what you guys did for him- you gave him a breakthrough. You made him so happy.

It was at that moment I learnt a very important and timely lesson. Today, I met up with Miss B because we needed to talk about A Taste of Rainbow, about whether I was ready for media publicity and public exposure about my Story. She asked, "Are you comfortable with your publisher printing it now?"

"Yes," I said. "It's a good time. I'm ready for it to go to print."

"Are you comfortable with all your friends, family and relatives knowing how, why you wrote this book?"

I didn't answer this question as readily.

"With support, yes. In God's time, yes. I guess some people will judge me. Some people will look at me differently, won't they?"

"Yea, that's reality."

Today I learnt that there are all sorts of people in this world. I told Grandpa Zhou that my second book would be coming out, and there would be people who would affirm me, and others who might scorn me. "Don't think only 'people like you' get despised, Grandpa Zhou. We all do. And when my next book comes out, I'll have to prepare myself for people looking at me differently, too."

What Grandpa Zhou said suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks- "It doesn't matter how people look at you. What matters is how God looks at you." It doesn't even matter if people stop and stare, or look you up and down, because at the end of the day, it's about who you are in God's eyes, and what you do that pleases Him.

As we talked, a malay man came by, smiled, shook Grandpa Zhou's hand before giving him two dollars. A bald caucasion man stopped in his tracks, watched us, smiled, then fished out a ten-dollar bill for Grandpa Zhou before making his way home.

I learnt, that the world isn't fair but God is just. Though there might be evil in this world, He also sends angels to affirm, protect and strengthen us.

"Thanks Grandpa Zhou. I really learnt a lot from you today. I'll remember that when my second book comes out. I'll read it to you, okay? And I'll translate it in mandarin for you."

I was about to leave before I remembered to ask about his next hospital appointment. "Ah, a stranger reading my blog wants to help you with your medical fees." This beautiful stranger had donated almost 400 dollars. He's about my age.

"Oh really? You mean D? The boy at your party?"

"No, someone else. Another kind soul."

Randomly, he asked, "I've a question, Wai Jia. What does Hallelujah mean?"

"It means praise God, Grandpa Zhou. You say it when you're happy."

Like now. Hallelujah. Because it doesn't matter how other people look at us, as long as we look mighty fine in God's eyes.

*Wai Jia wants to thank each of you who made Grandpa Zhou feel so welcomed at her place that night. You gave him the biggest breakthrough in his life, and the most precious of gifts- dignity and strength. He can laugh at the days to come. Thank you for your donations to his medical bills. They are much appreciated.

"God is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

-Psalm 34:18

Time for a Rainbow.

For the longest time, I thought A Taste of Rainbow would be published earliest by 2011. With the excruciating process of recovery, I never dared to ask God for an earlier timeline. So it took me by surprise when my publisher said he was "ready anytime", and when all the sponsors said they were ready whenever I was ready, too. It surprised me that my loved ones were supportive, and no longer felt I had to wait till I graduated from medical school. It surprised me that my friends were so encouraging, too.

When I first heard the news, I was... shocked. It's only 2010, God. You're... too early. Am I ready to share my Story? Will I relapse? Can I wait till 2011? I'm scared, God. What if I relapse again? Then what?

Today, my dear friend J encouraged me to ramp up my training intensity for the upcoming triathlon. "Try 12 kmph on the treadmill. It'll be good for you."

12kmph? I'd hardly gone beyond 10kmph without feeling breathless and nauseated. I had never even considered that speed possible for someone like myself.

But when I did, all of a sudden, something organic happened. All at once, as I felt the blood course through my veins and my legs carry me, faster and faster, with my heart pounding and I running as though I would never stop, it suddenly struck me- that God had healed me. And I completed the 8,10, 12kmph interval cycle with joyful ease. Nothing hurt.

Two years ago, running even at a speed of 8.5kmph hurt my bones, my chest and my knees. Everything hurt, even when I wasn't fast. Now, I felt like a stallion, running free in the fields, painlessly, decadently. It felt so free.

It was then that I realised, that no one can guarantee my complete recovery. Statistics can give us numbers, but no one can promise a relapse-free future. Be it 2010 or 2011, only a blind faith in God's restorative power can give us strength and courage to live, day by day.

It was then that I remembered the rainbow, all the rainbow items my friends had put together for me for my 23rd birthday, the words of encouragement and another emaciated, ghostly figure I saw at the eating disorders unit at the hospital just two days back and decided... that it's time.

It's time for me to polish up A Taste of Rainbow and pass it to my publisher.

It's time for me to have faith, not only in myself, but in God, to know that He has healed me, once and for all. And that even though I'm a little scared to have A Taste of Rainbow published (Will people judge me?), God will watch over and guard me.

It's time for me to stop wondering when the next time relapse might be, and to start thinking about how I can use my Story to help someone else who needs to find his or her mouth too.


Thank you for your birthday gifts, for reminding me what rainbows mean- God's faithfulness to keep His promises.

some of my favourite gifts from my dearest friends

It's time.

Just need a few days to finalise the last pages.

"I set My rainbow in the cloud,
and it shall be for the sign of the covenant (promise)
between Me and the earth.
It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth,
that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud;

and I will remember My covenant (promise)...
the waters shall never again

become a flood to destroy all flesh."

-Genesis 9:13-15
-

23rd Birthday.

This birthday is the best one I've ever had. Although it was on Wednesday, showers of blessing rained down since Monday, all through the week till the weekend. This birthday has been the biggest breakthrough for me in so many ways- physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I want to thank each of you for being a part of my journey thus far.

On Monday, a public institution, two established foundations and my publisher gave their full support for A Taste of Rainbow, the book I had written in June 2007 about faith, hope and courage, to raise funds and awareness for people struggling with depression and disorders from self-esteem issues. The first page of the book begins with Hebrews 11:1- "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." In June 2007, I saw a rainbow in the sky just moments after I had finished the first draft of the book.

A rainbow is God's promise. On Monday, I saw a glimpse of that reality.

On the same day, Faith, the bicycle, was built. Faith is a gift from my friends and family, put together by them because of how they had been moved by God who gave the money meant for my new bike to Alisha, a 4-year old deaf Nepalese girl who was $20'000 short. It was because of this giving that I met Ms K, a lady behind a huge foundation who was passionate not only to pay off all of Alisha's medical costs, but to fully sponsor A Taste of Rainbow.

The connections, revelations and lessons gleaned from this story blows my mind to this day, still.
On Tuesday, my friends came down specially with me to be fitted onto Faith. We were ecstatic. They even brought down their huge SLR cameras to capture the special moment. Interestingly, Faith still had a few tweaks to undergo.



On Wednesday, Faith was finally ready. And I wondered if God might have had a hand in it, simply because He makes things so perfect, to have me collect Faith on my birthday.


That night, around 30 friends came to my home. Many breakthroughs happened that night. Using a projector, I shared with them a presentation I'd put together to share with them my life journey with God. I entitled it "Finding Faith." It was about Kitesong, my illness, A Taste of Rainbow, Ophthalmology, Alisha and of course, my bicycle and my eventual recovery. For the first time, I could be strong enough to talk about this entire experience and about God's faithfulness in front of a watchful and fairly large audience. For A Taste of Rainbow to be truly effective in reaching patients, youth-at-risk and the public-at-large, my publisher said I had to be ready in being open with my Story.

That night, was my first step to being brave to share my Story face to face with people. In the past, I could only write but never talk about it much.

A Taste of Rainbow is a story about having the courage to confess one's weaknesses and to get help. It is a story about a little girl who loses, and then finds her mouth.

On my 23rd birthday, on a Wednesday evening in front of about 30 people, I found my mouth. And when I spoke, I felt God's pleasure.

my friends listening

Grandpa Zhou came too, and, with everyone clapping and singing and playing the guitar according to his tunes song after song, he overcame his feelings of inferiority. It was a breakthrough for him, too.

Grandpa Zhou doing what he does best.

Everyone enjoying his singing

In addition, my friends supported Qing (a patient who had been disfigured when she was 14 by her elder sister's boyfriend) by buying the handmade flowers she had made. That meant receiving many more cards, far fewer things I didn't need, and almost $200 for her- that made me very happy. I love cards.

On Thursday, I met someone who was interested in reprinting Kitesong to raise funds to build a school in India for needy children. I might be sent there this June to visit the kids.

Suddenly, I realised that God's promise to me was true. That I guess, perhaps He has a plan for me in writing and painting.

On Friday, I acknowledged that God had blessed me above and beyond what I could ever ask. I decided that with my bicycle Faith, I ought to honour God's faithfulness to me by being even more prudent and disciplined about my spending. I had just decided I no longer wanted to buy any more unecessary sporting apparel (trisuit, biking jersey etc) when I received a call to meet a friend at the train station.

That night, I received the triathlon suit I had tried on a week ago and liked but couldn't bring myself to buy. The special stranger's gesture made me think twice and thrice. Eventually I concluded I was vain. It was on discount, but still, a hundred and fifty dollars- a sum that would sponsor 3 children's living expenses for a month in Andra Pradesh, India. My friend said he knew the shop owner and would be able to get a bigger discount on an item I fancied. Stupidly, I believed him. I never expected he would buy it for me. One hundred and fifty dollars. I was speechless.

On Saturday, I invited my friends who had got Faith for me to my place for dinner. I cooked, as a gesture of gratitude and thanks. What I didn't expect was how they continued to lavish me with gifts- an expensive strawberry cake, new tyres for my new wheels, ear-plugs for my swim training, and... ...

I buried my head in my hands. I had only removed a corner of the blue wrapping when I stood stoned. It was the new team cycling jersey, the one I'd been planning to get since January but just kept delaying because I thought that with a new bike, I ought to spend less. I felt it was too much to be spending so much money in such a short span of time. I felt I didn't need a second cycling jersey.

They got it for me because "you only have one right? Whatcha gonna do if you wanna ride on consecutive days?" and "See, this one matches your bike well. Right colour and size, yes?"

I wanted to cry and flip and laugh, all at the same time. But I was too shocked. They put Faith together for me, and now are buying things for me that match her.

This Sunday morning I woke up and saw signs of bad skin again. I biked, ran and swam yesterday and knew the cruelty of the unmerciful sun on my sensitive skin. Many months ago, a lady at church, Aunty M, treated me to a series of facial treatments at the high-end boutique shop she owned simply because "I just want to bless you, Wai Jia. I want to see God's radiance on your face."

Of late, I had decided to stop going because I felt bad about the whole thing. I woke up this morning, knowing my skin would only worsen from today on because training would be ramped up in preparation for the OSIM triathlon.

I was about to leave church when she caught me and held my hand, "Wai Jia, I want you come back SIX more times in 6 months. I just want to take care of you and see your skin perfectly cleared. Okay?"

6 months. That's just about the length of time I might be training for the Olympic distance triathlon.

It amazed me, truly, to see how God always keeps His promises, how He really knows our every need and takes best care of us. I remember when He gave the money for my new bike away to Alisha, Aunty Ay told me: God is no man's debtor. You will never need more than He can supply.

This week, I saw God's grace and abundance in my life. For all my grumbling and inability to give completely joyfully to Alisha (I was crushed and anguished for a long time), I didn't deserve a new bike at all. Yet He gave me not only a brand-new one, but the love of friends and family, and more importantly, a Story of Faith to tell.

For all my rebellion, faintheartedness and doubt, A Taste of Rainbow should very well have been trashed. Yet, God saved it, and in His perfect time, allowed its progress and I believe, will allow its complete fruition.

For all my materialism and vanity, I most certainly don't deserve to be pampered. Yet, God blessed me through angels and friends, and I received item after item which would allow me not only to complete a triathlon but to complete it with the whole set-up, trisuit and all. It blows my mind. I have never had so many thoughtful gifts in so short a time in my entire life.

Surely, this is far, far more than what God demanded for Alisha. He asks for all, only because He gives all. And His all is surely more than ours. Surely, none of this would have happened if I had ignored Him to buy the beau I first set my worldly eyes upon.

And above all,
God blessed me with friends.
Friends who accept and encourage me,
who've walked with me hand in hand,
and who love me precisely for what I've been through,
and for the way I am.

Thank you for walking with me,

on this journey of faith.

Thank you God,

for the most memorable birthday.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits."

-Psalm 103:2

Examing my Faith.

It's one thing to say you believe in something. And quite another to actually do it.

Like me, do you find yourself inconsistent, too? Telling yourself how terrible it is to be a spendthrift, then buying the next thing which catches your fancy; teaching your younger brother how terrible it is to lie, then telling a white one yourself; nodding your head to forgiveness then finding it so very hard to let go of a past hurt.

It got me thinking.

My next triathlon is coming up. I will be trying my first sprint distance, which is half the Olympic distance. Hence, I had been keeping a lookout for an affordable tri-suit on discount. A trisuit is a kind of amphibean attire many triathletes choose to wear for their swim, bike and run. I finally found 2 I liked, of which I would buy one. Thinking about what I had read about The Power of Half, I felt justified since they were on 30% and 60% discount.

I don't know why I still couldn't buy it.

There is a concept called The Power of Half. And then, I thought, there's also God' s kind of power- the Power of All. Do I really need a trisuit. Sure, it's more comfortable, it looks better. After all, the price is slashed. But slashed or not, it still is ridiculously expensive, for a piece of apparel I will only wear a few times a year, for a less embarrassing appearance on other people's facebook pages at the end of my race. I'm only doing this for fun and to stay healthy.

I remember, it was the day before my birthday that I received the email from the beautiful stranger, who wanted to donate all his money received over the Lunar New Year to me to support whatever cause I wanted. And as I thought about it, tears welled up in my eyes.

On my birthday, the prayer devotional for the day was about being consistent. The book writes: Is your faith consistent with your way of life?

That line struck me. I understood it on 2 levels. One, are my values and my belief in God consistent with my behaviour? Two, how is my bicycle Faith reflected in my life?

I wanted a bicycle. I found a bicycle. My father gave me money for Christmas. God gave my money away to a 4-year old girl who needed to hear more than I needed to bike. I was sad. Then many little miracles happened. And Faith, the bicycle arrived on my birthday. It was perfect, far more perfect than the previous bicycle I had set my heart on. And as if God had had a hand in the whole thing, Faith was ready exactly on my birthday.

Faith, the bicycle, was only possible, is only beautiful because she reminds me of what it means to give and to obey totally, sacrificially and abandonedly. I read today, that no material possession is worth sacrificing the display of God's grace. In God's world, there is no room for a desperate attachment to things, and when given the opportunity to show what is really important to us, we must take it. Things, offer us nothing we don't already have. There comes a time where we must decide which is more important to us, a defense of our possessions on earth or a hope in our eternal treasures in heaven.

It made me think, do I value my possessions more than God's way? Do I really live and behave in a way that shows I believe God supplies more than I need?

That email brought to my mind the pain involved in having to give something I wanted up. My eyes soured at the memory of it. I thought of how God turned the whole situation around for me and blessed me with the love of friends and family and their very sweet gesture, I thought about what the stranger wrote to me about his friend being impacted by that whole ordeal and then suddenly... I just didn't want to buy anything anymore.

Days before my birthday, I found a place which straightens hair for a third of the market price. I had planned to do it, after being tired of having my hair made fun of, then after reading that article, thought to myself it was really silly and unecessary to do so. Do I really need a trisuit? Do I really need straight hair. Silly girl.

You know, if you add up all of Faith's parts, she actually is quite expensive. That sobered me, because although she is a beautiful gift, it made me think about how this would affect my choices in future. Would I want even more things, or would this blessing teach me to be even more thankful for what I have.

You won't believe this, but right about 2 paragraphs before this point while I'm blogging, my swim coach/ elder brother/friend whom I affectionately call "Huncle" (think a mishmash of Hunk and Uncle because he really is quite a hulk) calls me to tell me he wants to meet me at the train station. And just about 20 minutes ago, gave me that exact trisuit I had tried on that day. I had put it under reservation, and he'd gone to get it for me.

I feel like I'm having my birthday all week. I get the message, God. I really do.

You win, God, you win. You expect all, only because you give all. The biggest lesson I'm learning, is no matter how much we have, and how much we are blessed, in God's world, there is no room to be attached to possessions.

Faith, the bicycle, reminds me, that instead of being a symbol of extravagance, it really is a symbol of God's provision and sufficiency when we dare to give all and set our eyes heavenward. Faith is beautiful, but at the end of the day, it is still what it is- a possession, a chunk of metal, something which will fade away with the things of this world. Things may come under our stewardship, but our eyes must always have that faraway glimmer in them, always looking not at the visible, and not at our possessions, but at the invisible, the divine, and the things which truly matter in this world.

" Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity;

and quicken thou me in thy way."

-Psalm 119:37

"Examine the relationship between your faith and your way of life.

Are they consistent? Are God's words your driving force?

God will be God of all

or He will not be God at all."

-One Year At His Feet Devotional by Chris Tiegreen,

24 February

* Wai Jia had the most wonderful birthday gathering this year and wants to thank you all for making it very special for her. Grandpa Zhou also had a ball of a time. She will write about it soon.

Yi Qi Ke Fu. (edited)

"No, I've made up my mind. My answer is no."

"But if you change your mind, let me know, okay?" He tucked his face under his tattered blue cap.

I remember being disappointed when I heard his reply.

I said in mandarin, "Think about it, Grandpa Zhou. For my sake."

I had summoned all my persuasive skills and faculties of reasoning to no avail. He was immoveable. I was persistent, trying to persuade him from different angles when I realised there comes a point where we all have to respect someone else's decision, even if we might not agree with it.

My 23rd birthday is coming, and I would be combining the usual christian fellowship gathering we organise regularly in my batch with my birthday. I intended to invite friends over to my place for dinner and wanted Grandpa Zhou to join us, too. "Come sing a song for us, play your favorite song on your harmonica. It would mean a lot for me to have you join us on my birthday."

I saw his eyes light up with delight and intrigue- how he loves a good audience. If I had not, I would not have been so persistent. But he changed his mind quickly and radically when he realised what I was inviting him to.

"It's your home," he said very cautiously, "... and there'll be your friends. Your doctor friends. I... I don't belong there. You don't understand, your world and mine are so different. Ren jia de Yan Guang he ni de yan guang shi bu yi yang de."

Yan Guang. Those two mandarin words stuck in my head for a long time. Yan literally means eye, while guang literally means light. Taken together, yan guang refers to the attitude and glance of other people, typically used to describe the condescending eye of other people. He was trying to tell me that the way other people viewed him was different from the way I looked at him, and he wouldn't be able to bear it.

"Wo hen ZI BEI."

Zi bei. It refers to having an inferiority complex.

"You don't understand, I have very low self-esteem. Your friends might not see me the way you do. My world and yours are so different. Ren jia de Yan Guang he ni de yan guang shi bu yi yang de."

Yan guang. He used those two words again, and shifted his gaze away from me, tucking his chin underneath his tattered blue hat.

I didn't realise, just how much the marginalised value being accepted in our world. Respect, to them is a foreign word.

"Grandpa Zhou, have you heard of the word Overcome? Ke Fu? Look, I want you to overcome this inferiority complex of yours. Who's looking down on you, Grandpa Zhou? God doesn't, I don't. And I most certainly think the friends I'll be inviting won't either. Don't keep saying people look down on you because of your poor background-we've been through this before."

I paused, then became sullen. " You won't believe me, but the fact is... there're people who look down on me too... people who give me strange looks and say cruel things to me. People will look down on one another no matter what one's standing is-it's... ... just the reality of life. People around me... sometimes say condescending things to me... But as long as we have right standing in God's eyes, why should it matter... right? In God, we can overcome all things together-Yi Qi Ke Fu. And through this, I want to you to trust Him that He can make you an Overcomer. You don't have to do it alone. You are precious in God's eyes.

Wo men yi qi Ke Fu." That means-We can overcome this together.

I scrawled my birthday gathering details on a piece of paper for him, with the words Yi Qi Ke Fu- We Overcome Together.

"No. My final answer is no. You don't understand. Wo hen Zi Bei." I have an inferiority complex.

"It's okay, Grandpa Zhou, I won't force you. But if you change your mind, let me know."

He passed me his stack of receipts for his glaucoma and prostate medical appointments, just so I know where my money went, and gave me the only photo a church volunteer had given him of the Christmas gathering last year. "I only have one, just want you to have it."

Behind the photo were the words, " For granddaughter Wai Jia. Victory Family Centre Christmas gathering. From Grandpa Zhou."

How precious. "Bye, Grandpa Zhou. And you let me know if you change your mind."

The army boy (once a stranger reading this space and now a friend) had referred his Uncle D, a man with a big heart, to me so that he could render Grandpa Zhou some help with his medical fees. Uncle D told me to arrange dinner with Grandpa Zhou so he could better assess his situation and decide on how he could help him.

Today, I went up to Grandpa Zhou again. "Grandpa Zhou, can I buy you dinner next week? Outside of my home, and not with a crowd so you don't feel zi bei (inferior)- that okay?"

He paused, then took out that scrap of paper which I had given to him a few days ago.

On it was written in beautiful chinese calligraphy:

"Grandpa Zhou has thought it through already.

I have overcome, and have decided,

not to be bothered with other people's opinions of me

or their Yan Guang (condescending eye),

As long as Wai Jia is happy,

I'm happy too."

" Zhi yao ni kai xin. "

It means: As long as you're happy.

He went on to say, " You've done so much for me, and I thought it through. It would be really selfish of me not to attend your birthday gathering. I just have one request- I know you'll be very busy hosting your friends that day, but just put me with some people who can speak mandarin, or dialect okay? So I'll have someone to talk to. Yeah, I will overcome. As long as you're happy." He beamed. He was really excited now. "Yes, I really want to do it!"

Hug.

At that moment of feeling touched and delighted and amazed at the same time, I learnt, that we all have many fears, mostly the fear of men and what other people think of us, but when we put ourselves before God and the people who matter to us, we then realise, that happiness really is simple, freedom really is easy- because we're not alone to overcome our inner battles.

Wo men yi qi Ke Fu. We Overcome Together. By example of his courage, Grandpa Zhou taught me to overcome my own fears too-that of feeling small because of the opinions and words of others.

"Thank you Grandpa Zhou, I don't know what to say."

"I'll surprise you on your birthday. I've 2 songs I want to sing for you. See you then, okay?"

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors

through Him who loved us. "

- Romans 8:37

Yellow fellows.

The past few days have been a furious flurry of activity.

Final exams. A 22nd birthday. News that nothing can be done about the tumor. Relatives flying in and out. Brain-burning bible study from that intensive missions course I signed up for. Gatherings. Errands. And packing for Nepal.

This year's birthday felt different from all the rest- This year, because it fell on the last day of our final exams, a mind-boggling number of people remembered it. This year, because of the stressful exam period, there were few gifts, but more well-wishes, and a very enjoyable and thoughtful picnic surprise at a beautiful park after the paper finally ended. This year, grandma came to stay to celebrate. Last year, my friends surprised me by singing a self-composed song to the tune of Yellow, by my favourite band coldplay- but this year, what a surprise I got...

... Closing my eyes and then discovering a mountain of 22 golden-yellow eggtarts stacked together like an inverted chandelier of wedding champagne glasses, each with a candle on top, and a crowd of friends laughing together with me. A yellow envelope. Yellow daisies. Then reaching home to find another bouquet of yellow flowers, roses this time. And corn soup, ha. A phonecall late at night, then a sneaky surprise visit at home by friends from church with a banner, terribly smoky sparklers, party poppers and cream-yellow cake smashed into my face.

So many yellow things. It tickled me.

Till late last year, I never liked the colour yellow. And I couldn't help but find it a little funny how so many things I received this year were yellow, without people knowing.

Yellow flowers signify friendship.

This year's birthday felt different. It taught me a lot about gratitude, contentment and security, the importance of friendship, and family. Most of all, it taught me about God's grace. That while mercy is God not giving you what you deserve, Grace is Him giving us what we don't deserve.

It was a time of reflection and thanksgiving. A year ago, I wouldn't even have imagined I would make it this far. But I have. I've grown, experimented, tried, succeeded, loved and matured- and only because of my friends and family. A year ago on that day I was a wreck and today I stand to testify that God never forsakes us, merely brings us through what He needs to to teach, discipline, encourage and love us.

Yellow roses signify friendship. Friendship blessed by God, without which life would be meaningless.

I leave early tomorrow morning, to see my friends in Nepal, the thirty children and the many missionaries, whom I think of every day. The day I left Nepal the last time, the children at the orphanage put a yellow flower in my hair. Come back okay, didi (big sister) Wai Jia? It's about time.

Thank you all for making my 22nd birthday special and memorable. Thank you for remembering, for reminding me of thanksgiving and gratitude, and for all the yellow things.

And it was all yellow.

-Coldplay

Eyes on You (edited)

"Wai Jia, just wanted to tell you:

last Sunday as I was praying for you, felt God wants to remind you

not to just look at His hands but at His face...

as He wants you to learn to follow Him by watching His eyes,

rather than Him holding you by the hand...

Simply the process of maturing in God. Blessings."

It was as if God sent an angel with a message in a bottle for me. How did she know- that for the past 2 months, I felt God speaking to me about growing up, that for the past month since that day, I kept seeing, over and over, the image of God's hands moulding a clay vessel, myself, into shape, but never quite seeing His face.

When I closed my eyes, I kept seeing His hands moulding me, shaping me, like a Potter with his clay, so much so that when the doors opened for me to visit Nepal and the children at the orphanage again next week after my end-of-year exams, I decided to learn some ethnic pottery during my time there, from a friend's friend. Tis a marvellous thing, to attempt to understand why God is called the master potter.

This year, my final exams end on the day I turn 22- in two days. It set me thinking.

In so many ways, this year has been so different. Just about the same time last year, plodding through the lowest trough of my life, I had lost so much hope, wondered if the darkness would ever end. Growing up seemed so hard to do, so distant.

And while I've still a long way to walk on this pilgrim's progress- a year on, I've never been healthier, more aware of who I am-my weaknesses and strengths, and more certain of who I am in God, who God is to me. A year on since the darkest, most painful experience of my life, I can finally- the first time in three years- concentrate on the present, remember things clearly, run and cycle with freedom, experience the joy of humility, love, holiness and thanksgiving in the fullest measures of life, in the way only being closer to God can bring.

It's true. All this while, God's been holding me by the hand, leading me, picking me up, somtimes squeezing it so I have the courage to walk on. In the times I was too tired, too short of faith, too much in despair, he carried me; In the times I was too troubled to sleep, he lay by me and held me to sleep; In the times I wanted to shut my eyes and rage at him, he took the blow of my wilfulness. Always, there were angels around to guide, encourage, love me, take me by the hand to steady my feet, treat my wounds.

But now that I'm turning 22, it's time to grow up. Time to let go of a father's hand and start to walk on my own, explore new places, discover new frontiers, without fearing the independence. The past few months have been the most exciting months of re-discovering who I am.

Things are different, now. Since all that has happened, I've learnt to be more secure, content, and confident, more accepting, humble and willing to listen. I discover I like to eat as much as exercise, that good music and dance excites me just as much as painting and poetry; I discover I enjoy company as much as solitude; I'm as anxious as I am excited about becoming a doctor, an elder sister to others, a woman. I find myself much more certain of my place in God, and am no longer afraid to let my hair down, change out of kiddie clothes and wear a grown-up dress.

It's time to let go of that familiar dependence, so I can let go of old, childish ways, let go of a wooden horse that no longer fits to master real creatures...

... let go of the adolescent fear of cycling to really ride on the real thing...

No longer one of the potshards on the ground always questioning God, I find myself trusting in the Potter's hand. And now the next step, is to look into the eyes of the Potter himself.

And though it's never easy to let go of what one is familiar with, the truth is we can never grow up unless we learn to take the leap. For so long I'd been looking at God's hands, at the Potter's hand of guidance, of comfort and sometimes discipline- to the point I had forgotten that he's a friend with a face, too.

So it's time to let go, grow up and experience God in a different way, no longer merely as a father or teacher, but also as a brother and friend. To lay next to him, awakening not just to see his hand, but to gaze into his face.

And perhaps the best thing is, no matter how far we run, He's always near. Even though our hands never touch, and in times of wilfulness when we shut our eyes to hide from his gaze, he's always near, always waiting, always just... by us. And so I know, that even though it's time to let go of that familiar hand, all I need to do, in times of confusion, darkness or despair, is just to turn and be surprised to find that all this time, He's still right there.

His eyes on me, waiting, still.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see

face to face.

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

- 1 Cor 13:11, 12

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you shall go:

I will guide you with My eye."

-Psalm 32:8

Cycling Lessons.

Perhaps one reason why I've grown to love biking so much, more than the heady thrill of it, more than how it reminds me of my overcoming fear (never rode a two-wheeled bicycle properly in ten years then upgraded to a roadbike within 2 months), is how much truth I find it teaches me. Ever so often when I find myself on the road, an epiphany hits me and I pause in amazement to take in the revelation, fresh like a breath of air.

I've been learning a few cycling lessons of late.


Lesson 1: Stop planning.
Lesson 2: Be distracted.
Lesson 3: Don't rely on yourself.


I see you raising your eyebrows. I can explain.

Lesson 1: Stop planning.

All our lives we've been taught to plan. Plan, and you will succeed. And so we've sold ourselves to this Planning Conspiracy where every single minute of our lives has to be recorded down in a compartmental box on a calendar. Work fills our days. And on the days we don't, how many of us can confess, unsheepishly, that we've never succumbed to that obsessiveness of planning whattodo, whotomeet, wheretogo next. Being busy is normal, fashionable even.

Don't get me wrong. I believe planning is important. My final exams for the year are in 2 weeks, and I've a calendar with my study plan right here.

But for too long, how many of us have set one too many goals, penned down one too many targets to reach, worried and obsessed over one too many Things to Do on our neverending list? We plan weeks, months at a time, (to attend this course, accomplish this project, participate in this race, read these number of books) and the pressure comes not merely from the sheer list drafted, but really, from the worry of our inability to fulfill them.

I was roadbiking the other day, with my new-found training partners on the road. They're triathletes and biking enthusiasts nice enough to give their time to help me. On a straight stretch of road where we decided to each break up to our own levels of speed, I watched as they tore down the road, disapppearing into the distance, as I tried my very best to keep up, albeit failing to. A seasoned cyclist ahead of me had slowed down, and my next aim was to overtake him.

Heavy vehicles were roaring down the road occasionally, and I had to check behind before I swung out of my line to overtake him. Anxious, I kept looking over my right shoulder to check for oncoming traffic, though I was still metres away from who I was trying to overtake.

It was then that I realised how silly that was. First things first, I should've got close enough to him before checking for traffic. Traffic, being dynamic, changes all the time. What was the point of checking behind if by the time I had decided to overtake, a truck had steamed near enough to hit me? What was the point of checking for traffic so early when he could decide to speed up and race off anytime?

And right there and then it struck me- isn't that how we live our lives sometimes too? We make plans way ahead of time, bullheadedly and adamantly, make a tonne of resolutions, even take measured steps to reach them, but forget to leave room for God, fail to leave room for the dynamics of life, which change as God leads. When we're so fixed on fulfilling tasks and meeting targets with such unrelenting definition, ignoring changes in circumstance or ourselves, not leaving space for our plans to change because "I have to do this", life becomes so... stifling.


It's funny. In the past, I used to plan my weeks, months in advance with meticulous precision. I believed those hard-lined goals would mould character, those unyielding deadlines would instil discipline. Yet, for all my punctilious planning, I never was happy. I got very, very sick instead. Tired. Heavy-burdened and weary. But now that I've learnt to trust in God a day at a time, making enough plans only to give me some sense of direction but leaving much, much room for His call for change and His guiding, leaving room to listen to my body (am I doing too much?) and circumstance (has the situation changed?), to His voice, I find I accomplish much, much more than I ever set out to do in the first place, with much more joy, peace and satisfaction, simply because I've more energy and zeal without the self-imposed stresses.

When we choose to give up our obdurate natures, lay down our pride, surrender our futures to God, trusting Him to take us through whatever may come our way, releasing to Him our worries, anxieties and must-dos, trusting Him to take us to the top when we remain faithful to His calling, allowing ourselves to become pliant and flexible, limber and yielding, life becomes a whole lot more enjoyable, easy and fun, too. You never know when God will surprise you, never know when a turn in the road may take you somewhere so new.

Pliance is not weakness. Yieldedness, not leniency. In fact, when we allow ourselves to be flexible and give God permission to s-t-r-e-t-c-h us, we, like elastic bands, surprise ourselves with simply how much we could hold.

Which is why I am learning not to plan rigorously for another book, not to plan to join another race, not to dictate God's will by saying which specialty I intend to pursue, not to make it another item chiseled intransigently onto my to-do list. Planning is important, yes, but focusing on Now instead of boasting in a misty future, hitting goals which are but temporal is even more so. Yes, I shall continue to do my best to be a good steward of the gifts God has given me, shall continue to train, shall continue to dream, but I am learning- that above and beyond this, letting God and giving Him room to work, to change our plans, to be the author of the ending is far, far more exciting. I never planned for Kitesong, and now, when I've decided to throw away my training plan and listen to my body instead, I find I train much better simply because I've learnt to enjoy it so much, because I'm giving God room to say "that's enough for today".

When I was so intent on checking for traffic so I could hit my target ahead, I could hardly enjoy the ride anymore. But as I understood the laws of change and waiting, taking action when the time called for it instead of taking two steps too soon, allowing room for variability and change, and focused on pushing myself instead of looking outside for affirmation, things fell into place and my bike took over quietly, swiftly, steadily.

Hence, lesson one for me: Stop planning. Start living.



Lesson 2: Be distracted.

I love riding at the beach. Being a large part of my childhood, the beach is a place I can unfold in, and I feel the sea speak to me each time I visit it. But ever notice how when you race down a path, with your eyes transfixed ahead, the wind blares in your ears, and all you hear is the wind resisting your inexorable advance? And I can no longer hear the sea. It is far away.

The world tells us never, ever to take our eyes off our targets. Not even for a split second. Is that why so many of us lose ourselves in temporal goals, failing to realise they are but a chasing-after-the-wind, and it is really what we learn in the process that counts? And I realise, it is only when I tilt my head ever so slightly, allowing myself to be distracted from the road ahead (if only for a moment), that I can hear the ebb and flow of the tide, its pulsing song, and careful whisper.

We go to the beach to enjoy the sea, but when we're there, we forget it altogether. Are we like that too, do we become so focused on racing ahead that we forget the point we started our journeys in the first place- that is, to learn lessons, to enjoy the scenery, to listen to what God has to whisper to us?

Sometimes, perhaps it's good to take your eyes off the road ahead for a while, stop for a moment, and hear what God has to speak to you. He might very well ask you to change your path, change lanes, stop for a moment to admire the rising crimson sun in the dawn, and it could very well be worth it.



Hence, lesson 2. Be distracted. In the good sense, of course.



Lesson 3: Don't rely on yourself.

The world tells us to be fiercely independent, that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, that no one besides yourself is reliable. I used to be entirely self-sufficient, and darn proud of it too. But I am learning, it is only when we allow ourselves to expose our vulnerabilities that we open ourselves to many a good samaritan out there, who've much to teach, much to share.

Ever since I made new cycling friends (those triathlete enthusiasts with time and energy to spare to teach an amateur as myself) I realise how much I enjoy their company, even though we don't have much in common, because they make the journey easier. I hardly go as fast when I ride by myself. One's aching muscles literally make cycling a pain in the butt. But Friendship makes the toughest roads easier to ride through, and the funny thing is, they even stretch us to distances we never thought possible. With friends, one forgets the pain and monotony in the ride. Also, when you ride behind someone more experienced (called 'drafting'), you ride much easier because he's helped you cut out the wind resistance.

Friends are precious. Hence lesson 3- there's no point pretending to rely on oneself all the time. God gave us friends.


And so I've really grown to love my roadbike, for all the lessons it teaches me, like learning how to live a day at a time in God's grace, and all the growing up it's been helping me to do. Just the way I'd like to turn twenty-two.

"Now listen, you who say,

'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money'

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?

You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Instead, you ought to say,

"If it is God's will, we will live and do this or that..."

-James 4:13-15