Beasts and Idiots :D

I couldn't help but post this up when I saw it a couple of days ago- This is hilarious on so many levels!

1. In my trio of girlfriends, we picked for one another "Disney princesses" to represent ourselves, just for fun. One of us was Ariel, because of her love for dance and music; one of us was Pocahontas, for her love of the great outdoors, and they picked Belle for me, because she dreams big dreams :)

2. Check out the glasses! Great for taking exams!

3. And I received a particular song lyric from someone today, taken from a song by U2.

(hurhur, very funny, mister.)

Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it
Oh, a change of heart comes slow

- I'll go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight,

by U2

Wild Cards.

"Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision.

Love is both something that happens to you

and something you decide upon.”

— Donald Miller

I remember, during lunch with my friends at the hospital one day, I dropped a coin. It rolled a far way away on its edge, before getting caught in a tiny crevice in the ground and standing perfectly perpendicular to the ground.

The wind was blowing but because of a tiny catch in the wooden floor, the coin stood perfectly on its edge.

One of my friends exclaimed, "Hey look at that! What're the chances of that?!"

Another said, " Yea, it's like striking lottery!"

For some reason, they were so amused. There the coin stood, on its edge, after I'd accidentally dropped it on the ground.

In a tone of mock drama and grandeur, I said jokingly to them, " Friends, I declare this year to be a year of miracles. This is just the first of many miracles that will happen this year."

Everyone burst out laughing.

"Yea, some miracle huh-getting a coin standing vertically by accident!"

"No la, Wai Jia! All your miracle points have been used up by this one standing coin!!"

For some reason, we were rather amused by the Accidental Standing Coin.

For some reason, this event stays etched in my mind. For all that's happened this year already, I truly believe this will be a special year.

On the fifth of January, I received an award which I thought would be impossible to win; On the twenty-seventh of February, A Taste of Rainbow was finally, finally launched; and on the fifth of February, an online friend whom I'd never met but was living a life parellel to mine in a wintry place in a different timezone, flew halfway across the world to see me, over a surreal whirlwind of a weekend.

There were so many obstacles to each of these momentous events: my nomination and application for the award got lost by the university just days before the deadline closed; my book faced hurdle after hurdle and nearly missed the mark for the launch; and my online friend? Well, he wasn't supposed to come. I said no- I insisted he would and should remain an online friend. To be honest, I didn't believe he would come anyway. I said I was too busy, and what would my friends and family and church folks say?

But who but God would have planned his mission trip to Cambodia on dates which were perfectly timed with my weekend public holiday. Who would have thought my church mentors were actually game with the idea because of his background. Even then, he very nearly didn't make it because of his elevated liver enzymes on a blood test. But we prayed, and the enzyme levels came down just in time for him to embark to Asia.

All close shaves. Near misses.

As if anything significant were by some stroke of luck.

Luck. I don't believe in luck. But I do believe in divine interference. I believe in the wild cards.

I believe that even though there were so many obstacles in medical school- my illness, my missing class to see the doctors, and the book launch happening so close to the exams... that I will pass my Bachelors of Medicine and Bachelors of Surgery(MBBS), and pass well. Not because I'm brilliant, but because of God's compassionate grace to see me through.

We both also knew that the chances of us, two individuals from opposite ends of the world, actually having any sort of chemistry were down to less than one in a million.

But we did.

It was just crazy. We had squeezed Possibility from the stark realities of chance and statistics. What were the chances, really.

And then you had to go. And the days following that were hard, for the both of us.

I got fed up last Sunday. At church, I told God I was fed up with this. It didn't make sense and it wouldn't work out. I don't believe in long-distance. I don't believe in Disney. I'm the one who doesn't watch chick flicks or romantic movies because I DON'T BELIEVE in any of that high drama. That Sunday, I told God, that I was fed up with this because that weekend was just too surreal and this was too tortuous and strange a situation to be in and maybe all of this was just a big mistake from the beginning. Maybe it was all an accident, but it was time to face reality.

You kept saying you had something to tell me, but it "wasn't sorted out yet". You were waiting for something and would tell me when it was finalised. Whatever it was, I wanted to move on.

So I wrote a letter, saying it was better for you to get on with your life and for me with mine. So what if we both have a heart for missions, and the poor in developing countries. I am stuck here for the next 6 to 7 years to complete serving my bond as a medical doctor here and to further my training. Our paths would no longer cross. We are almost ten thousand miles away, literally. We don't even live in the same time zone- who cares about parallel lives?

The sky fell on me the next day, when you had, in timely fashion, received news about what "needed to be sorted out". I hadn't known a thing about this, but all this time, you'd been sourcing for an opening here in Singapore. You'd been praying crazy-hard about this, harder after we met, and the doors finally opened for you when you found a missionary placement at the Overseas Missions Fellowship headquarters right here, where my best friend's dad also happens to work at.

About 2 weeks after we met, you stepped down from your leadership role at church to announce you would be leaving by end of the year for missions. It was then I knew you weren't joking. You were dead serious about this.

I flipped out.

I completely freaked out. YOU WHAT?

And I didn't write to you after that because my mind went crazy after I received the news. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND.

I had a million and one things to say: This was just absurd. I thought you coming for the first time was crazy enough, and now, this? I'm going to be a houseman (junior doctor) soon, I'll be working almost a hundred hours a week, I'll be grumpy and moody and sleep-deprived all the time, and what if my defense mechanisms kick into full gear to shut you out? Is it worth it? Are you seriously doing this? What's going to happen to your job? Your friends? Your community?

I was bursting with a million and one emotions raging against each other like fireworks and completely overwhelmed because I get unnerved by the way you make me feel. This is out of my control. Ever since we met, I feel so acutely my position as a spectator at a theatre, with God as the scriptwriter and you as the protagonist.

It's bigger than my mind can conceive.

It's bigger than your mind can conceive.

I'm scared.

You're scared.

But God has His ways. And at not one point did each of us go our own way- He guided you and I separately, and somehow, the doors opened this way.

We both know, perhaps none of this would work out. You're not getting paid for this because it's more of a missionary stint for a few years; You might not get funding to come here; Your blood results could go wonky again (you are on long-term medication for your liver transplant even though you've done an Iron Man) and you might not be able to travel because of that. I keep telling you, this could all be a mistake- I could be an ogre, this could be a waste of time, what if you hate this place?

But I guess, God had all of this worked out. For years you'd already been praying about being a missionary to Asia. And this worked itself out to be an open door.

So you'll be coming before the year ends. You're doing the biblical missionary thing- selling everything you have and coming to a foreign land to do God's work, using this place as a base to travel to Cambodia to work with ministries involved in child trafficking and such.

And I guess, to see me. Or else, why Singapore? To be a part of my life. Be my real friend instead of a virtual one.

You had been called to Asia from the start, and where I am, is Asia too.

Is this God? Or just some kind of freak accident, some chick flick comedy that weasled its way out of the big screen into real life?

There's only one way to find out.

You have no money now. You'll have to give up your community, your job and your life there to serve God here. You'll have to give up your standard of living and comfort for a different sort of life. Singapore is no where near third-world but you'll be living differently, far more simply, for sure, perhaps with stints to Cambodia and such. Your life will be turned upside-down, literally because our day is your night. There'll have to be a place here for you, people to fundraise for your new life as a missionary, and there's no telling whether your liver enzymes will come down... (why do they keep getting deranged?)

And there's no telling if you might see much of me either.

What if this doesn't work out?

I didn't say any of this to you because my mind is constantly dwelling on the negatives. I keep thinking and telling you that this won't work out, it's not worth it for you and there's too much of a cost to pay. I keep telling you WHAT ARE THE CHANCES. There're too many obstacles between us, geographically and otherwise...

...and God Himself had to break me to surrender my thoughts.

You are always grinning and having something up your sleeve to give me another heart attack. You are always dwelling on the positives. You never look at the grim statistics that I constantly look at. You are always betting on the Wild Card.

Prayer, is the Wild Card.

Faith, hope and love are the wild cards.

You pray all day.

"Wai Jia, I gotta remind myself i have nothing left to lose... You, on the other hand... can you imagine spending time with me day in and day out..remember that time we were at Starbucks...?"

You are always joking.

You said that this wasn't really Work because you weren't getting paid, but you were happy to receive "your heavenly reward" as payment as a missionary. You said that God was the host, and we were just "invited to join him at His crazy partaaay". You sent me this video about giving up everything to follow God's call for your life.

In the quiet of the park yesterday morning where I sat in before going for my exam, God spoke to me like a thunderclap, that I had to pray too. I had been freaking out and freaking out at Him and asking Him how this could possibly be happening and felt Him telling me that He would not force this on me. He wanted me to know, that just like loving God, faith is a decision, too.

I could push you away, just like how I've pushed others away.

Or I could pray.

So this morning I prayed for you.

Minutes later, I got an email from you about your blood results. AST and ALP are still deranged. I had woken up with a startle and prayed for you at 6am because I had a dream you were jaundiced and your blood results weren't good. That's when I realised that God was telling me, I had to pray. You are doing everything you can to follow God and His plan, and I do no one any good by shutting you out.

Prayer, is the wild card.

I don't believe in Disney, but I believe in miracles.

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable.

He calls us to trust Him so completely that

we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations

where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through"

— Francis Chan

* Wai Jia will be taking another exam tomorrow. It is a 100-minute exam where each round of 10 medical students will each be shoved into 10 rooms for 10 minutes to deal with various role-played scenarios such as dealing with angry patients, acute emergencies, counselling patients on various procedures and many other unpredicatable scenarios. In a friend's words: It's going to be a carnival! She is thankful for your prayers and support.

Killing the dragon.

It was just the other day when my close friends joked, "Babe, your birthday celebrations are even longer-drawn than Chinese New Year... Chinese New Year lasts for 15 days, but yours seems to last longer than that!"

So it was true. They celebrated and made it special so many times that M asked me, "CAN YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT 24 YET?!"

It's been exactly a month since I celebrated my 24th birthday (early). Today, two gifts arrived at my doorstep. One, in the form of a lovely package and card and more money for the causes I support; and two, a letter which made me tear.

I guess, this year really is a year of daring to have greater faith, and daring to step out of my preconceived notions into greater adventures.

"I just feel I want to say a few things to you... about relationships, love and marriage. And no, I'm not trying to change your mind on anything that you may have decided for yourself... I just want to know that you've had an opportunity to see another perspective on the subject.

Having lived through several stupid mistakes and learned from them, I am a firm believer that love is a decision. I don't mean to say that it's purely rational/logical and that feelings can come later, because that would be regressing or falling into the pit of undervalueing God's gifts of emotions and spiritual sensing. What I am saying is that because God is love and because God chose the man-woman relationship (courtship and marriage) as the ultimate representation of His spiritual relationship with us and there are precious secrets hidden in this that cannot be found elsewhere...

Do not mistake me. I am not saying your life is incomplete if you aren't married. I am saying that unless directed by God to be celibate, marriage is a wonderful thing to desire and work towards. And trust me, it will take a lot of work. After all, it is about two flawed and sinful and selfish people coming together to attempt to build life together, and the road isn't easy. But the beauties of this strange experience- two becoming one- are myriad and deep and multifaceted, and I am convicted that nothing can match it.

Think of it: it's not simply physical, but something that happens in the spirit world, that God no longer sees you as two, but as one. Now what does that mean? How does that translate into individual paths? And yet, you are still unique individuals in His sight. Does this help you begin to understand the mystery of the trinity we describe God as?

As I have said before,

God opens many doors and windows to us in this life- not always as directives or commands,

but sometimes simply to bestow His largesse...

and sometimes, just to test if we will make our choices

from our own preconceived notions or if we will ASK HIM.

The road ahead of you is going to be full of excitement, and I pray that you are clearly led in every aspect by God. This is how you will find your greatest joy and fulfillment in Him, because true surrender to God's calling is not always about pleasing Him- it is sometimes also in finding pleasure for ourselves in what He has chosen to give."

A close friend asked me out for a long early morning run today. We were talking about life, and she said to me, "You need to have more faith, Wai Jia."

"But I can't help this anxious feeling inside. It's so... unnerving. There're so many question marks, no answers, and everything is up in the air."

"Yea, but you gotta deal with it. It's a timely lesson to learn that there're many things in life we can't control, and this is one of them. Just have faith, things are going to turn out fine. At the right time, everything will fall into place."

And in the evening, came another letter in the form of an email:

Do you really believe if we seek, God will provide a way? Do you also really believe that God knows of our needs and knows how to take care of us like He does with sparrows?

So here goes, 2011 is going to be a year of having greater faith, of stepping into things larger than I can conceive, and a year of killing the dragon.

Keep on asking,

and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking,

and you will find.

Keep on knocking,

and the door will be opened to you."

-Matthew 7:7

The Petrifying Dragon.

Introducing

The Petrifying Dragon

who eats Little White Rabbits who fall in love.

He crushes them with his green grasp,

and has them for tea.

The Little White Rabbit is Petrified of

The Petrifying Dragon.

Bad, bad dragon!!

Exciting and Frightening.

A very long time ago, one of my teachers Mr. Ho told me before, that marriage is the closest model to God's love for us. I remember being very surprised and doubtful when I heard that.

The wife of a paraOlympian spoke with me today (they are both my friends), during a short break I took from studying, sharing the love story of her life with me. Then she asked me what I was afraid of.

I said, I don't know.

Then I read a quote, of which I could totally relate to as well when the word God is replaced by romantic love.

"We are strange and lovely creatures.

We can ache for God tremendously

yet find ourselves getting nervous if God gets too close.

After all, the closer God gets,

the more we hear the call to be divinized.

It is both exciting and frightening to hear that call.”

— Macrina Wiederkehr

Ephesians 5:22-24

Unfulfilled Promises.

The past month has been a little overwhelming, to say the least.

My early 24th birthday celebrations, the production and print of Rainbow, having interviews scheduled with the media, and having the most surreal and crazy whirlwind encounter with someone over the span of a few days, and realising I have less than 3 weeks to my final examinations to graduate... has just very much left me in awe and wonder and speechlessness.

Tis a crazy thing called Life indeed.

Within the next few days, all of us final year students will be choosing our hospitals for application and the specific departments that we wish to work for. The choices are limited, but they are choices to make nonetheless. Once, things were straightforward. There was this glorious thing called General Surgery which I would have applied for without batting an eyelid, because I thought I'd be by myself all my life, and that would match the 14-hour work days and 36-hour on call shifts 6 times a month which I'd have to do.

Now things have changed, and I'm on my knees again. I am certain about becoming a doctor, but what kind, in which department and where, I am less certain. I've asked to take a writing break from someone (we used to write daily) because of the need to focus on my studies at this point. I also think we both need time by ourselves to think about and through a lot of things, hard and practical questions beyond the heady feelings. Yet, I doubt if things will get better after my exams end.

Thereafter, will begin the 80-to-100-hour work weeks, me ending work at hospital at night feeling completely drained and spending forever on public transport to get home because I can't drive, feeling resentful for missing dinnertime again, and the cranky evenings because one is sleep-deprived and exhausted from the day's battles fought between life and death, and between one impatient senior and another angry patient.

Is this the life I chose? I always joke with my friends how unfortunate I think are the partners of housemen (1st year medical graduates) because of how little they may see of them. The thing is, I really am not joking. It is a true test of the endurance of a relationship, a baptism of fire of sorts for both the houseman and the couple, because housemen can be, when finally knocked off from work, tired, grumpy and cranky. There are stories of partners of housemen waiting patiently at hospital lobbies for them to knock off- there is yet another emergency to attend to upstairs.

After the houseman year, things do not necessarily get better.

Last night, as we ended yet another lecture at 8.15pm at night ( I was in school by 8am, ha), I was joking with a friend that perhaps, the only fair way to exercise kindness would really be not to get married at all, to spare the innocent other half of this undeserved solitude and injustice. I knew, a large part of me wasn't joking. Many months ago, I made a promise to myself, that if "nobody found me and I found no one within housemanship", I would go ahead and marry GS (General Surgery), my first love anyway, and be one of the few female surgeons who dared to tread this unforgiving path.

It's so unfair, to both parties.

I was telling a friend about the craziness of the things which have happened of late, to which he, now a doctor further into training said to me, "Are you sure he knows what life for you will be like in the next few years? Does he really understand? Maybe he'll change his mind after he sees reality."

Maybe he will.

More than 80 to a 100 hour work weeks. My on-off evening crankiness. This crazy, crazy life. Even if I don't pursue surgery, this will be my life over the next few years. And contrary to popular belief, we don't get paid very much, nor get very much privileges.

But people get through, somehow. People get through housemanship, get married, have some semblance of a life.

Somehow, I just have to believe, that God, and not me, is in charge of sorting this all out. If He has sorted out my life thus far, He will continue sorting it out. Sometimes, things we least expect, happen in ways we least thought possible.

Last night, as I leafed through the first copy of A Taste of Rainbow in my hands, I started to cry as I thought about the many obstacles and the many previous moments of discouragement and almost-lost hope. The publishing of rainbow had been an unfulfilled promise for 3 years. I thought it would never be published, but there it was: a thousand copies sitting fresh in my room, and another three thousand copies to be distributed to public bookstores, and all the national libraries.

He keeps saying he will come. Perhaps he should re-think. Because for the next many years, I will have little control of my time. And there will certainly be moments (hopefully not too many) of crankiness, moodiness and difficulty. My dad has seen and heard it all. That is why he laughs out loud, in great candour, when people tell him "what a wonderful daughter you have".

The future is uncertain, but as we hold on to the promises in our hearts, let's always remember, that He who promised is faithful.

As much as we feel overwhelmed and as much as we don't believe so, things will sort themselves out.

But for now, let's pass the exams first.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for He who promised is faithful."

-Hebrews 10:23

Like a Hurricane Wind.

"And you move through my soul like a hurricane wind."

-Feel the Silence by Googoo dolls

I guess, I've never had anyone send me a song lyric expressing how he felt and write to me like that before. Because when I read it, a hand reached into me and clouds of warm steam billowed inside of me in a way I had never felt before. It unnerved me, because I had no control over this feeling. I am used to being in control of my feelings. I was scared. I am still scared. I get more scared thinking about it.

I guess, I've never had anyone put his arm around me like that before. When Pastor asked us to take the hand of someone next to us or put our hands on someone's shoulder, that manly hold around me suddenly surprised and comforted me. I didn't expect it at all. For some strange, inexplicable reason, it felt peculiarly familiar and right, like an empty puzzle slot being filled with the right piece. At that moment, it felt it belonged there. But then, thinking about it just minutes later, I was Petrified. I was so scared I talked to you about it and said I couldn't take that sort of thing.

It scares me too much, I said.

This whole thing scares me when I think about it.

Your Mercedes-benz scar burned across your chest like a symbol of war inspires

awe and respect and fear in me.

I guess, it's just that I've grown up hearing a lot of fighting and seeing a lot of drama from people I know. Cheating, affairs, spite, hatred- I've seen the whole works played out in drama-serial proportions in real life before. The idealistic girl inside of me permits no tainted form of love and has thus, become wildly afraid of it. For so long I'd convinced myself I'd be better off doing missions and serving God and the poor by myself.

I'm afraid. What do I do now?

How do I react to:

"And you move through my soul like a hurricane wind."

I don't know what to say, or what to do.


All I can do is pray, though

all I can feel is fear.


All I can say for now is, you've really got some kind of guts.

Thank you for the song :)

Feel The Silence
You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you're born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say
I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again
And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone what will you say

How do we hold on

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry

Surreal.

"This is so surreal."

That's all we kept saying. "This is so surreal."

In fact, those 5 days were all surreal. They whizzed past us like a blur in a vintage film. You had been there and but then, here. You had been far and then, near.

"This is so surreal."

And we both felt special.

I guess I couldn't really believe you were here. It was the first time we met. We were like strangers and yet old friends. We were living in perfectly different galaxies, and yet, like stars which collided.

"I am so excited about coming to see you," you'd said. I wasn't sure if I could say the same. I was, but I was also, scared. Scared sh*tless, as I would have said before, but now don't, because you think that is a bad word to say.

I guess you were different. I'd never had anyone have so much guts to do what you did and say what you said. You said some pretty crazy things to me, all right. After almost 400 emails over about a year, you flew halfway across the world to see someone you hadn't met but believed would be worth your effort- me.

I said you were CRAZY. You agreed. And wrote -" :o) "

Over the past year, people kept asking me if I was seeing anybody. I said no. Not even remotely? I said no. Because technically speaking, we hadn't seen each other before.

Days before we actually met, you were in Cambodia for a mission trip because you have a real heart for the children suffering there in that dark, ravaged country. You wrote, "We're in the same time zone now :0) It feels so near, and yet, still so far!"

Haven't we been like this for the past year or so? So far and yet near. Strangers and yet friends. Light years apart and yet found in starburst collision.

I told you to GO AWAY. Because I didn't see where this would go. This was like some freak online accident that we crossed each other's cyber paths. Just because we both happened to enjoy triathlon, and longterm missions and helping the poor. Your blog, my blog. Your life, my life. Your world, my world.

Reality check. We live in different time zones. We have different lives. I could be a complete ogre. You could be a serial stalker.

But you never gave up. "Can I come?"

"NO. Maybe we should stop writing. I don't see where this is going."

Well I guess I put it more civilly. But not at first. I was mean to you at first.

There was something about you that kept me writing. Something other than your persistence about writing to me daily with imperfect grammar even though I said I was busy. It was something about your having liver cancer before when you were 10, then undergoing a liver transplant, believing in God, doing an Iron Man event (3.9km swim, 180km bike ride and a full marathon) and then giving it all up to pursue a life in longterm missions to help children involved in the sex slave trade in Cambodia.

It was something about your zeal to encourage others with your life story- through interviews by the media or through your writing. It was something about your radical pursuit to find God in your writing, something about your resilience and passion and craziness and sense of adventure to do all this and more. It was something about your forthcomingness and persistence.

It was something about your life which was so different and yet so similar to mine.

"It's like he's living a life parallel to yours in a different world, isn't it?" said a friend.

NO, I said. NO. You cannot come. My friends would think I was crazy. My church mentors would think I was irresponsible and worse, frivolous.

You never pushed to come. You prayed. That was all. And you were persistent.

You said you had a dream. That God told you Something. I remember laughing when I read that. Other boys have said the same thing to my girlfriends. Like, whatever! ONLINE FREAKHEAD!

Then something in the cosmos must have shifted. Because when I finally told my dad and my church pastors and my friends about my email pal from Canada, they all wanted to meet you. They would disown me if I didn't.

That night before you arrived, I couldn't sleep. I was so stressed out.

I was late in picking you up at the airport. I was half-running, half-skipping, my eyes scanning furiously for a glimpse of you, half wondering if this were all a dream. You watched me from behind, recognised my dress from a previous photo, then came close to call my name and I was totally freaked out. I jumped as I cupped my mouth. IT'S YOU, OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE HERE. And you laughed.

Well, what was I expecting?

We were strangers and yet not. I had heard your voice over the phone twice. I had received lots of your photos and videos. We were a cyber accident.

We had steamboat with my family that night. My dad was amused. We talked lots. After our morning jog to the beach together the next day, we plonked ourselves on a quiet spot underneath a tree.

"This is my scar."

A Mercedes-benz scar. That's what they call the tri-star shaped scar after a liver transplant in medical school. It was awesome, gloriously emblazoned across your chest like a shield, even larger and starker than I had imagined it to be. A scar- the mark of battle, and victory.

"Kids love to touch it haha."

I felt it for myself.

The next day, we had dessert and tea at Canele, a lovely place you chose, one of those places I have always been dying to go but think too expensive ($8.50 for a piece of cake- garh!). You ordered my fruit tea- I was surprised you knew exactly what I wanted. That night, we went for my birthday gathering. All my friends wanted to meet you. I let you pick my dress. Sunday was meant to be our last day before you headed back to your world.

You came to church. My pastors wanted to have lunch with you- they were so intrigued. You came to sunday school and little Aaron asked, "JIEJIE WAIJIA WHERE ARE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GOING?!"

I was so embarrassed. "He's not my boyfriend, Aaron."

"HUH?? JIEJIE WAIJIA WHERE ARE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GOING?!"

"He's NOT my boyfriend!" I was turning red.

"Yea, she's too smart for me!!" You were grinning and grinning and grinning, repeating what Aaron said and teasing me. I whisked off, feeling very very embarrassed, ignoring you.

We were strangers and yet not.

You kept grinning and I walked off.

We walked around the city and I showed you all the places I hung out at.

"This is so surreal."

"Yea, I know. I can't believe you're here. You're crazy."

"Yea, I know. Hey look at that statue," you said.

"Pretty, isn't it?" I replied. It was a beautiful brass statue of a vine, and two birds perched on a branch, built on the lobby of a beautiful new hotel. "You leave tomorrow," I said.

"Too soon. Do you know, I never say goodbye. I don't like byes, I tend to say, See you! See you later!"

I laughed. What nonsense. I was going to say BYE to you. This was a freak accident. I only let you come because they all said it was okay- I can't believe they did! (Am I the only conservative, rational person here?!) I had been praying for a long time. I was really scared. I wanted to shut down and run away and say this was crazy. You were crazy. What's so special about me? I still think you are.

One day while cycling, I had an epiphany- just the day before someone lectured me about not letting God direct me to the mountains He had planned for me because I kept wanting to be in control. I was riding in the darkness by myself, and then I realised... your name means Mountain. Sort of.

So I let you come. I didn't tell you this at the time.

The weekend passed like an old vintage film playing at high speed-everything was a continuous blur. There were rainbow balloons and raspberry teas and soy lattes and desserts after meals. There were places you said you wanted to go to but we didn't have time to. "Hey, let's go to that Japanese deli place," you said.

But you had to go.

"Don't say bye! Say see you!!" You insisted.

I would always say BYE.

On Monday morning, your plane never took off. The engine stalled. You had to stay for another day.

"This is even more surreal than the first time we met." I said.

You were happy about the unfortunate incident. I would have been mad had I been in your shoes. They put you up at a hotel. Of all hotels, it was the one where we saw the statue of the vine and the birds.

That evening, you came to the hospital to have dinner with me because we were having lectures till night time. It was late. You had to go.

"Bye!" I said.

"NO! SEE YOU LATEEERRR!!!" You grinned. You have a wide smile.

"What later?" I chuckled. "Bye!" I rolled my eyes. Time to send you back to Beaverland far, far away. I say goodbye often, and am used to them. But you don't like them at all.

The next day, your plane took off indeed, but you didn't. They had messed your ticket up with someone else's. So you had to stay.

AGAIN.

It was hilarious. And frustrating. And beautiful, all at the same time.

"Oh my gosh. Now nothing surprises me anymore," I said in disbelief. "First you showed up here. Then your plane didn't take off and now this?"

"Though it was unfortunate, I really enjoyed the extra time we had," you texted.

You always put things in words. I sometimes don't. But you always, always do.

I arranged dinner for you that night with a Cambodian missionary of some sort, because I thought you might like to meet him. But he backed out because his kid got into a soccer accident. You bought me dinner at the japanese deli place we wanted to go to originally days ago. They were playing Googoo dolls, music we both liked. We talked about Bad Cheesecake and Evil Eggplants! :D We had awesome dessert. It just so happens we both love black sesame paste. We went back to my place. Grandpa Zhou was there.

You plopped down right next to him, and you both chatted enthusiastically and endlessly in Cantonese.

"Why are you here in Singapore?" Grandpa Zhou asked you in Cantonese, in your native language because you were born in Hong Kong. I didn't understand, and he had to translate it for me.

"To visit her," you said, laughing because I didn't know what you were saying to him in Cantonese, and pointed at me.

"When are you coming back?" he asked.

"When she allows me to. When God allows me to. But first, the question should be, when am I leaving!"

We laughed. And I was tearing because I had never seen anyone speak to Grandpa Zhou on those dirty train steps with such carefree humility and genuinity and authentic connectedness. And the two of you were shocked at my tears.

I never quite explained my tears. You were shocked and worried. It's just that, all these months and years when I sat next to Grandpa Zhou on those dirty train steps in my sophisticated working clothes with my given-to-me branded handbag tolerating the stares of passers-by and feeling that nobody understood my heart, I never thought anyone would understand. I had had friends who talked to Grandpa Zhou before, but you could tell, it was awkward for them, a new experience, they were finding their way through this new connection and there would occasionally be an air of unfamiliarity, caution and distance. I thought about the previous guy who lined his car with a sheet when we drove him home that day because Grandpa Zhou smells. I was so mad with him-not anymore, though.

But there was none of that with you. There you were, sitting at my spot, laughing and talking like I did. I never thought someone like you existed. It was such a huge encouragement.

Months ago I had told Grandpa Zhou about you before. I said I had an email-pal who wanted to come visit for some crazy unimaginable reason. He said NO. It was dangerous. You might be a freakhead. A stalker. Some pervert. But there he was enjoying your company.

"Zhou yeye," I said. "This is him."

It felt so surreal.

Jo says it's like a fairytale how this all happened. I said it's crazy. She says it's just like how everything in my life has been anyway- surreal and crazy, full of random strangers walking into my life and leaving indelible impressions, so this doesn't surprise her one bit.

"BYE!" I said again. "Don't jinx yourself! I don't wanna hear where you want to take me for our next meal, what hotel here is nice and I don't wanna hear See you later! JUST GO!!"

We laughed. For the third time. Just go.

"NO! SEE YOU LATERRRR! I'm gonna come back to see you, and I'm gonna pray and seek God first."

It feels like we are living on borrowed time. Borrowed, because you should have died 20 years ago with that liver cancer, and I should have died 4 years ago when the terrible illness happened. Borrowed, because you tell me nobody knows how long you have to live, and some girl in your past didn't get together with you with you because of that. Borrowed, because your longterm medication has its own jamut of side effects and every day is a precious day.

Cyclosporine. It's a little capsule you take twice a day. I know all its side effects well. Hypertension, diabetes, kidney failure, gum hypertrophy, hirsutism, obesity. You've been doing so well because of your disciplined training. And like Grandpa Zhou, you've stopped drinking alcohol completely because of me.

We are living on borrowed time. Borrowed, because every day of your life is a miracle. You should have been dead. They gave you 3 to 6 months to live, and they found out about the cancer by accident- you had no symptoms whatsoever at the time.

We are living on borrowed time, because your first plane wouldn't fly and the second one flew off without you. God gave us two extra days-our 2 last days were agreeably the best time we had.

We are living on borrowed time. Time which isn't ours.

It feels so surreal.

It's like a fairytale.

Now go.

And I'll see you when I see you.

Thank you for sending me this song :)