Without Handlebars.

When I was young, I never mastered cycling on 2 wheels. Whenever I did try, I always gripped the handlebars too tightly, tensed my body as in rigor mortis, and hence always crashed badly because I was too tense. Trying to turn just made me go off-balance, simply because I held onto the handlebars for my dear life. Hence, I learnt to cycle only a little more than a year and half ago, when I was 21. Even then, I made same mistake of gripping the handlebars a little too tightly than most, and suffered many unecessary falls.

Today, on the road, I learnt a vital lesson.

Do you, like me, sometimes hold on to certain aspects of your life too tightly out of fear, anxiety or insecurity? Have you ever felt this way- that you know God has "everything in control" but still you worry, still you ponder, still you try to take control of many things, giving the excuse that we need to act for God to "work" when really, we are merely acting out of fear of the unknown and perhaps, anxiety, too.

This morning, on the road, I learnt a vital lesson.

Michael, my friend who's been selected to represent his hometown New Zealand for the World Championships and who's adopted himself as my coach, met with me this morning for a race simulation, in preparation for my sprint triathlon next weekend. As we swam, biked and ran, he critiqued my posture, technique and gave me tips. "You've got to learn to be more comfortable cycling with one hand, dude. You need this skill for races."

It was then that I realised, that all this while, though riding on the new bike my friends and parents gave me, Faith, had given me much confidence and ability to ride more smoothly, I still had the habit of holding onto the handlebars just a tad too tightly. As a result, I easily lost control whenever I tried to manouvre my bike.

It was both a friend, Ds, and my coach, Michael, who shared with me, " Don't use your handlebars to direct where you're going. Hold them lightly, and use your hips or core muscles to direct your bicycle."

"What, you mean... let go?"

"Yea, like this," Michael said, and he very casually unstrapped both his shoes clipped into the pedals of his bike while cycling quickly past me. In layman's terms, it means he has to reach down to his special bike shoes (which are firmly stuck onto his pedals), unstrap each of them so that each of his feet can come out before he stops his bike and heads off for the running leg of the race. "You need this skill so you can save time in your tri, okay? Practise."

The race course next week has a couple of dangerous turns, and I knew I had to master them.

It was then that I realised, that all this while, I'd been holding on so very tightly to my handlebars for dear life because I didn't trust where my bicycle would take me. I was afraid of crashing, and hence held on more tightly, which actually made me more prone to accidents. I had no idea that core muscles (in one's abdomen) had so much power to direct my bike. It was then that I suddenly felt God speaking to me- that in the same way, perhaps, I have been trying too hard to steer my own ship to chart my life's direction. Just like how I hold on too tightly to my handlebars when I want to make a turn or direct my bicycle instead of allowing my core muscles do the work, do I try to take too much control instead of allowing God's spirit within me to direct my vision?

As much as I would like to trust God with my life, I know I ponder and worry about where He wants to take me, what specialty I will do, which country I will serve in, how He wants me to live my life. I live on dreams, and I think about this every day, all the time.

Use your core muscles, said Michael. It takes a certain amount of trust between you and your bike to do this, said Ds.

Ds likes to sing a song when he cycles past me. It has a comical, mischievous ring to it, "I can ride my bike without handlebars, without handlebars, without handlebars..."

It was then that I saw, just like how depending on our core muscles is vital in stabilising the bike and determining its direction smoothly, the strength of our spiritual core is, too, essential to determining how much we can let go and trust God with our life's direction. Trying too hard by ourselves to direct the bike with our hands only makes one tense, rigid and susceptible to accidents. Instead, when we rely on our spiritual core or God's spirit within us, we find that we can take turns seamlessly, and have a more relaxing and enjoyable ride.

As Michael sped off, I was afraid of falling should I let go of my handlebars. He's coaching you for free because he genuinely wants to help you and see you fulfill your potential- won't you at least try? said a voice in my head.

So I did. I let go of one side, and managed to unstrap both my feet from the triathlon shoes stuck onto my bike pedals. And I didn't fall.

While practising at the national stadium carpark which had plenty of loops and turns, Ds later told me, "And when you turn, use your whole body. Lean into the turn. Use your hips, not your handlebars to direct your bike." He started to hum mischievously, "I can ride my bike without handlebars, without handlebars, without handlebars..."

I held the handlebars loosely, took a deep breath and took a dangerously sharp hairpin turn using the weight of my core. It was organic. Seamless.

This Easter, I am reflecting on what it means to trust God more with my life, what it means to allow God's spirit within me to make choices and direct my path, instead of constantly trying to tighten my grip on what I think I can control. Lately, I have been frustrated by many things- I realise I don't like Obstetrics and Gynaecology as much as I thought because of the painful hours which grate at time spent with family, friends and ministry, I'm puzzled by how my future is panning out and I'm at a loss as to where sports, medicine, relationships and missions are taking me. Perhaps, I just need to let go and quit trying to hold on so tightly, and let God within me effortlessly direct my vision, plan my path, and take care of those nasty hairpin turns for me.

It will take a lot of practice, but I think someday, I'll be able, with only one hand on the handlebars, to drink and remove my feet from my shoes while cycling with ease, to give hand signals confidently and to race well for myself, for God and for what Michael has done for me. I pray that someday, I will be able to build enough spiritual strength within me to move through life's dangerous courses with ease, because I know God is in control. And finally, I hope one day, I'll be able to ride past Ds and hum that same song too, " I can ride my bike without handlebars, without handlebars, without handlebars..."

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,

so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell