Perhaps, no other feeling so primitively and viscerally puts us on the same level. Whether rich or poor, kingly or scorned, hunger brings a man down to his knees all the same. I always wondered why we were made this way- to eat, only to be hungry again so as to eat. Take away food, and a man becomes weak, angry and hostile.
I have been fascinated by fullness. Because for 2 years during my illness, I had no idea what it meant, or felt like. I was in a state of both physical and spiritual anorexia, refusing to partake of food out of fear, pride and anger.
Perhaps, my fascination with satiety also has something to do with how beautiful and tragic that single moment is. It is beautiful, because the satisfaction of a deep need such as hunger is beautiful. Haven't you felt that immense sense of relief and joy when you eat on a hungry stomach and reach the place of satiety, that giddy place of security and satisfaction? You may not realise it, but to be filled means that one was willing to be humbled by one's need for food, that one loves oneself enough to feed one's body, that one is willing to surrender to one's basic need and admit one's reliance on something so... simple. That moment is beautiful because it represents humility, dependence and surrender- things that once eluded me.
Yet, fullness is also tragic, because... one no longer hungers.
Can you imagine being full for the rest of your life, with no longing or craving for the next meal-that yummy chocolate dessert or hearty sandwich? It would be tragic, wouldn't it? We'd no longer look forward to dinner parties or mealtimes to bond. Not only are mealtimes such potentially beautiful occasions for sharing, bonding and good cheer, they remind us of how fragile and dependent we really are. Take away hunger, our need for food and company and our need to simply crawl away from the hustle and bustle of the day, and what are we but invincibly senseless robots.
Hence, hunger is a gift, too. Without it, how would we gain the nourishment we need to grow?
My physical hunger in the past month has amazed me, really. I kid you not when I say I have been feeling hungry and eating every 2 hours. The most common phrase I have been using must be, "I AM HUNGRY" and my friends are amazed by how quickly my stomach fills and empties. This is troublesome business, because it means I've to pack and bring food with me everywhere I go because I never know when a hunger pang will hit. I am eating, and still my weight is well controlled, if not dropping- my metabolic rate has rocketed because of training. When a hunger pang hits, that desperation for a morsel of food to reach the state of satiety is acute. More often than not, I want bread, and I want it now.
Yesterday, my church organised a huge carnival called Family Day at the beach to celebrate Easter. The event was organised at the spot where my training with my cycling buddies ended, and where my triathlon next week would begin. As I wheeled Faith over to the tentage, many of my church leaders saw her, were intrigued by my participation in triathlons now, and started talking to me.
It was one of the leaders, Peter, who asked me, "What are you hungry for, Wai Jia?"
And it stunned me. Right there in the blazing sun, that question wrecked me. Just the night before, in tears, I was asking myself and God the very same question. Why am I doing what I'm doing? What does it satisfy? Why am I in medicine considering these specialties? Why am I racing? What am I desperate for? Pride, pleasure... or God?
My spiritual state reflected my physical hunger- I am hungry to know God, to hear His voice and to feel His spirit.
We talked. Peter, after hearing Faith's story, said, " You're on the right track, Wai Jia. I have peace that God has brought you into sports for a reason. I have peace that you're on the right track."
"Really? Because I'm not sure where this is going, and I'm asking God if He wants me to continue."
"Yes, I have peace that you're on the right track. Keep going, but keep on hungering for the right things, for God. Honour God, and not your sport."
Silence.
"Peter... Am I... full?"
"No, you're half-filled."
And that was a good thing. Perhaps, there is truth, not only medically but spiritually, when they say one should always eat till one is half-full and not gorged. This is not only healthy, but has proven to prolong life and keep one's blood sugars stable.
It is a profound paradox, to be in hunger, to long for satiety, and yet, to enjoy that state of half-hunger to approach fullness. There is beauty in hunger because of a yearning to grow, to progress, and there is beauty in fullness, which reflects humility, initiative and dependence.
As I continued to wheel Faith to the large tentage, I was stopped again-this time, by Senior Pastor.
"So this is Faith you were telling me about?"
"Yes, Pastor Yang."
We had a long, long talk.
What amazed me was how interested Peter and he were to know about the race I had been training for next week. What amazed me was how important they made it sound. I struggle all the time with my sport- in the light of poverty, missions, spiritual hunger and my vocation, isn't this frivolous, selfish even? Why didn't they think likewise?
Peter said he had peace I was in the right direction because of how God had provided for me. He even asked me, " Is there one big race in your life you hope to race in?"
I was taken aback. It felt as if he could read my mind.
"Yes," I said, almost sheepishly and wondered why he even asked. So much training, so much pain- for what? Silly me. But I cannot deny, that someday, I dream of racing in an excruciatingly long race overseas, to raise funds and awareness for a worthy cause. I dream of climbing a mountain someday, a tall, tall, tall one.
"Then train. Finish your race," he said it in all seriousness. It almost scared me.
Just before I left for home, Senior Pastor came up to me again and gave me a half-hug. He knew how much this sport means to me, not least because it is recreation, but more importantly, how close it brings me to God, how it has healed me. It was sports that destroyed my life in those 2 years, and sports that God chose to use to restore my health and bring me to a level even higher than I had ever dreamed.
My training has made me hungry, so ravenous, not only physically, but spiritually as well. The joy, community of friends and zest for life that this sport has blessed me with just puts me in constant awe of God's goodness and grace.
Last night was the first night in years that I had dessert on my own initiative, all to myself, so utterly guiltlessly. I wanted an oreo cheescake with vanilla icecream and took myself out just to get it. I had the whole wickedly decadent thing all to myself. It was an emotional moment for me, to realise how far God has healed me from anorexia, and how my training buddies have been such a positive influence in my life. Unlike before, I now know how to recognise and admit my hunger and my needs, know how to articulate them, and know how to take care of my body.
Having that dessert was such a breakthrough for me, on so many levels.
I learnt, that when we train (output), we also need food (input). In the same way, even though I have been busy serving people, God has taught me the importance of taking time to recharge and nourish my own spiritual health.
"All the best for your race next week, Wai Jia," Pastor said, and smiled a big, fatherly smile. "Just finish the race, okay?"
I was really touched. "Thanks Pastor Yang. I will."
"And stay hungry for God." There was a twinkle in his smile when he said that.
As I took off on Faith to ride home from the beach at noon, because it was about to rain and because my tummy was rumbly, I was reminded of the beauty of hungering for the right things- not for possessions, or pleasures or pride, but for a place so intimate, and so close to the heart of God. And though it is tragic to be physically full forever, how I long for the day to be spiritually filled for eternity, now and forever more.
Happy Easter, everyone.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
-Matthew 5:6
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