Benjamin Mok was cycling with a group of 5 friends. He and one friend got knocked down. A car hit them. The driver was drunk. Benjamin was a good man. He was an avid cycling enthusiast. Being a safe rider, he wore a helmet. He was to pursue his PhD in USA. He died last week. The driver was a 62-year old doctor. He hit and ran. He got arrested. But Benjamin died.
My cycling friend, D, was telling me about his funeral which he attended last weekend and I said, “It could’ve been us. He rode safe, like we do. But he died, on the road.”
“Yea.”
Silence.
“You know, D, every time I ride, I think to myself: this could be my last ride.”
“What? Don’t say things like that!”
Most people don’t know this, but before every ride, I pray. And as morbid as it sounds, when I take my bike out for a ride, I prepare myself that it could be my last. That day when I got flung off and my helmet hit the tarmac, daddy’s words rang loud and clear, “Cycling is risky Jia, it’s not a safe sport.”
It isn’t, I know. After assisting in one too many surgeries and seeing the mangled bodies of road traffic accident victims, I would know.
But to be honest, what is truly safe doing?
And is our ultimate aim in life, to live safely?
If life were to be lived safely, who would ever step out of their comfort zones to help the poor and needy? Kitesong would never have happened- that trip to Nepal was life-changing for me, perhaps even more so precisely because of the Maoist revolt at the time, when people were burning flags, going on strikes and setting bombs off in our district. If living safe was of such priority, why practice medicine and be exposed to infectious diseases, why be a doctor? I accidentally pricked myself with a clean needle while I was on call last night- doctors are vulnerable to needlestick injuries and they can suffer from dire consequences if the needle is stained with a patient’s blood containing a treacherous virus like HIV. Why do triathlons? It is the endurance sport with the highest mortality rate from sudden cardiac arrest. Why take the emotional risk to have a child? Last night on my 36-hour shift, a nearly full-term lady came in an ambulance, sobbing her eyes out because of domestic violence. She was pregnant and her husband hit her. Today I witnessed the delivery of a stillborn baby. It was the mother’s first child, and she had carried the baby for almost 8 months when it’s heart stopped.
If life were to be lived safely, with 100% guarantee on everything, it would be impossible to live it out pleasurably. Perhaps, to some extent, it is true that risk and pleasure aren't quite exclusive.
It is foolish to take one’s life lightly. The fact is, I don’t. But I do know one thing-that dreams and passions sometimes have no thread of logic, nor semblance of sanity. I also know, that self-preservation often brings one to naught-only God knows our time to go, and when it is time, it is time.
Yet, I question myself: do I live my life irresponsibly? Are my pleasures illicit? I put myself in a number of high-risk categories: roadcycling, becoming a doctor, travelling to developing countries (often by myself or with strangers), inviting strangers home. Some part tells me, no.
Benjamin Mok died even though he took safety precautions. Yet, his death does not stop the rest of us from cycling though many of us mourned. Terrorist attacks erupt all over the world unpredictably, but that does not stop us from travelling altogether.
Why is pleasure so important to us?
Lately, I learnt that pleasure only becomes illicit when it distracts us from the goal which God has placed in our lives. Ravi Zecharias says, that a pleasure which refreshes us without causing us to derail from God's purposes for our lives, is certainly legitimate, essential and even pleasing in His sight.
I often ask God what He thinks about my sport. Picking up the triathlon sport has changed my life- the friendship, community and lessons I have gained along the way have shaped my character, deepened my faith and strengthened my trust in Him tremendously. It is what God has blessed me with to heal me from my illness. It has helped me live life passionately and to be more secure with who I am, how He has made me. Because now, when I swim, ride and run, I truly feel His pleasure. It is an intimacy I cannot describe and I have never experienced before. Perhaps, it is precisely because I experienced suffering in my illness that I now understand what pleasure means.
C.S Lewis wrote in his famous book, The Screwtape Letters, about a conversation between a senior and junior devil about their quest to stop a man from believing in The Enemy, who was God. Said the junior devil in great embarrassment and defeat, “I am sorry, the man has crossed over to The Enemy (God)! I tried to distract him but nothing could make him forgo his morning walk and evening reading. He seemed to enjoy it so much!” To that, the senior devil replied, “You blew it! You ought to have convinced him that he had to do the morning walk for exercise sake so it would be a drudgery, and you should’ve convinced him to read for the reason of quoting some wise thing to his friend so it would become uninspiring! ”
His point was, that Pleasure, when pursued correctly and enjoyed in its purest form, brings us into an intense intimacy with God. It's true.
And perhaps, no pleasure can truly be risk-free. I suppose, that the day we said we believed in God, we chose a difficult, dangerous path. After all, who but fools of faith would believe in the unseen. And I suppose, the day that happened, we underwent death, we surrendered our beings, so that God could live in us.
What a thought. We have died. We have died the way God died for us, so that God can live in and through us. If I live my life in deep gratitude, knowing my every pleasure was a risk but yet, has saved me from the clutches of death to bring me closer to enjoying God, then every day is a miracle, a bonus, a privilege. Every ride or endeavour or minute at work becomes pure pleasure. And because of that, we can enjoy God perpertually, the only novel pleasure we can never grow weary of. A dramatic perspective? Perhaps.
But I know, the more I enjoy my pleasures, the more I need to let go, cling loose, and be willing to give it up for a greater good. Ravi Zechariah also said, that a legitimate pleasure never jeopardises the right of someone else.
Once, in contemplating training for a longer race which would take up more of my time, I asked my family and Grandpa Zhou if they thought it was selfish. I was a little afraid asking them that question. But they gave me an astounding reply, "Go for it. We're behind you, we support you. We understand."
I learnt, that while Pleasure is beautiful, when clinged onto loosely and released, is even more beautiful, still.
One day, I might lose my bike, I might lose my health, I might lose my life. I might become paralysed in an accident, I might contract cancer. Nobody knows.
It sounds crazy, I know. To pursue and live every moment as if one has died, as if every minute were a gift of grace. But perhaps, that is the only way we can learn to abandon ourselves to what we believe in, to what our hearts long to pursue, to the calling we have been called to, fearlessly, decadently and finally, pleasurably.
"For through the Law I died to the Law,
that I might live unto God.
I have been crucified with Christ,
and it is no longer I who live,
but Christ lives in me;
and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and delivered Himself up for me."
-Galatians 2:19-20
* This post is dedicated to the Benjamin Mok and his family, and the many cyclists and athletes who have lost their lives on the road and in their sport, doing what they love best.
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