Fixing a wheel.

I could hear the disappointment in her voice when the words left my mouth. But I was just being honest.

I didn't think it would hurt her that way, but it did. What I said did, and only because she loves me so much. She is like a mother to me.

Aunty Ay was sharing with me her thoughts about what I had confessed about my weaknesses and was trying to encourage me. "We all have faults, and someday, when you find someone, marriage will be another journey of faith altogether, and..."

I cut her short.

And nothing prepared me for her disappointment that ensued, a thick, heavy disappointment which ossified that moment when I said what I did.

There was a long silence. And I simply shrugged, wanted to say sorry but couldn't.

"Wai Jia..." she said, in exasperation. "But why?"

No one ever says this out loud because it's too cheesy, but most little girls spend their lives dreaming of a prince on a white horse to ride into their lives to take them away. As they grow older, they pour their eyes out in movies, gorge on romantic novels and dream of the day they can wear their wedding dress in a happily-ever-after story. I hated chick-flicks and romance-novels, but once, not too long ago too, Disney fascinated me. For me, it was real.

I've always been an idealist. It's always been all or nothing. I remember being being so full of hope and faith that God had the right person for me. In spite of all my weaknesses and disappointments with myself, my "difficult" vocation and my beliefs, I had the faith that someday, I would reach a place where a special someone's path would cross mine, and we would fit. Yes, someone who dreamed to do mission work and feed the hungry and clothe the poor and who loved my idiosyncrasies and who I am, and someone whom I could love in return.

And then, I don't even know when it happened, it could've possibly been over my birthday, that suddenly, I just felt... content by myself.

Many of my friends have been getting together, and sometimes, especially when I was feeling low or on a long train ride home from the hospital back home, I had wished I had someone to ask me how my day went, whether I was okay, whether I needed a lift. Then over my 23rd birthday, when my bicycle Faith was built, and when my faith in God and the world had been simultaneously restored, I suddenly became most content to be... by myself.

It felt very strange. I felt so loved, and un-lonely.

The strangest part was, it was not that I had grown disillusioned or embittered with the world, or that I had lost hope. I remind myself that I have also met many missionary families who do God's work beautifully amidst the poor and hungry.

I don't know when it happened, why it did, or how. But I woke up one day discovering my life was full to the brim, and I was... content.

I began to keep track of my time, of what I had been doing, because the older people at church have been asking me when I would ever slow down, and find time to let someone else be a part of my life. But they don't seem to understand, that God's time is not here, yet- and may not ever be.

I realised, that most of my time is spent in the hospital, at church or bible study, on training (biking, swimming or running), on drawing/writing/painting/reading/photography and on individuals who matter to me-Grandpa Zhou, lonely strangers whom I let into my home, and other random projects. My life runs at such an intense pace, with pockets of solitude and complete rest with God and God alone. I realised, that I have so many friends and people in my life who love me that I do not feel lonely. I realised, that I no longer feel I have to share my experiences with a particular someone and I'm no longer lonely because God has such a big part to play in my life. Most, if not all of my training buddies are guys-they treat me well; most, if not all of the people I help, show me immense appreciation; most of my friends are older than me, and pamper me ever so often.

I hardly get frustrated now because my excess energy goes into cycling, swimming and running. I hardly get lonely now because someone never fails to drop me a message to ask how I'm doing. I hardly get envious anymore because someone I know has either broken up, divorced or is having an affair.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know, but after my bicycle Faith was built, I was actually a little disappointed that my faith with regards to this aspect of my life was still empty. Then a week later, I realised my front wheel hub was faulty.

It seems an apt parallel, that while my faith in all other parts of my life has been restored, this is still one area that has not yet been built properly. It's like the faulty wheel hub in my life.

I just don't quite see how someone else would fit in, how I would fit in elsewhere. I have too much a mind of my own. I am weird- I dance in church, I think frogs are cute and
I can't wait to become a missionary doctor.

I run, I swim, I bike. I have mood swings (which I am working on). Ever so often, I have sudden whims to do impetuous things. I live on impulse. I visit art galleries alone. I will wake up one day and decide I just want to watch the rain and melt into it, or go back to Nepal again, or spend time by myself to write another book. I have decided, with room for God's direction, what I would like to do with my life in the next ten years. (I don't have much of a choice anyway- I've a bond to serve in government hospitals). I'm in hospital from 6.45am till at 5.30pm for this module in Obstetrics, and go on 36-hour calls once a week. It is possible I will be overseas for a year very soon, details of which I will reveal only later. My experience with the men (or boys) in my life who ever got slightly closer to me (besides my father) have been memorable in the wrong way- I now prefer to keep them as training buddies or at 2 arm's length. I keep meeting random people who literally come in and out of my home for food, company and a dose of God. Maybe, just maybe, all these reasons add up.

So I suppose, I feel complete, and happy already, being by myself- simply because, I'm not by myself. God's family is so big, and so impossibly loving that I don't feel lonely anymore. When I do, I know there are ten other poor or needy people who'd appreciate my time just visiting them. Sometimes, I do.

I used to think I was too proud. I think I used to be lonely in bits and pieces. But now I think I have learnt to respect my brothers. I hardly feel lonely anymore, even when I am alone, moody or not. I feel beautiful and content, even without having someone of the opposite gender validate me.

Maybe it is a good sign. I have come to a place of greater security and peace with God and myself.

But it felt strange, nonetheless. To feel so light and happy about this newfound contentment and seeing the disappointment in the eyes of Aunty Ay, J, my parents and other people who love me and have probably dreamt of seeing the day they could see me say, " I do" but now hear that I'm... Content.

A part of me admits that maybe, that part of my faith just hasn't been built yet. Maybe it'll take time. My friends keep asking me when I'll fix my wheel- I keep putting it off. In the same way, maybe I am content not to fix the problem because I've another set of wheels to use as a stand-in for now. For now, perhaps it is training.

"But you can still prepare yourself for it. I always believe God has planned someone for most people."

"Most people, Aunty Ay. Most. "

Don't be disappointed- if it's meant to happen, it will happen. And if it doesn't, at least you know that I'm happy.

And I'll try to fix my wheel soon, so that Faith can really be complete. But if I don't, know that I'm content now, too, okay?