I haven’t been sleeping well again, and for once, I’ll have to admit- it’s finally taking its toll on me. Oh the constant, grating headache. It’s been days.
I’ve been doing too many things, meeting too many people, clocking too many miles, worrying too much about the future, and while talking to God yesterday, I think He told me it was time to stop. Now that the month of January has been put aside for a research project instead of going to hospitals, many of us have suddenly found a surfeit of time on our hands, and are gorging ourselves on activities, before the next round of hard studying for our final exams in February come round soon.
I’ve been dancing, swimming, cycling, running, reading, learning to play my flute, watching plays, meeting people I love, taking on new commitments, writing for a publication, gathering ideas for a new story in my head, spearheading a new initiative for a committee, attending talks… I’ve been putting my all in everything at once… and I heard Him tell me to just… Stop.
Stop to take a stop-check, stop to wonder about life, stop to look at God’s face to see if He’s pleased with all that I’m involving myself in.
When I meet God in heaven, I don’t think He’ll ask me how many miles I trained, how many projects I accomplished, how much I did. But He’ll ask me, for sure, how many people I showed His love to, how much time I spent with them, how much time I spent with Him too. I don’t want to be dumbfounded when He asks me. I don’t want to be caught spending my life trying to gain the approval of others rather than His. I don’t want to live that crazy sort of a wasted life.
“Aiyoh, Wai Jia,” a friend chided jokingly, “Your play is becoming your work. You're taking everything to the extreme.”
I don’t think he was far from wrong. This week, I had a dance class at the same time I was invited for a writer’s meeting; I was to meet someone to train at the same time I had to chair a meeting; I was asked to volunteer at an event during the time I had church. Things will get busier still- my finals come next month, I’ll be serving in a missions ministry soon after. This is going crazy and it has to stop.
I don’t want to train for a triathlon if it means being too tired all the time. I don’t want to do a million things and not be able to stop for one person. I don’t want to pretend to be an all-rounder when my primary calling is to be a good doctor. I don’t want to be everywhere and nowhere. I want to stop waking up at 5am because of insomnia.
So yes, I’ll stop. And I must remind myself not to compare myself with others, not to feel the stress of expectation when others easily comment on how it is possible to do those million things at once. Maybe for others, but not for me. I want to be humble enough to admit that.
I want to train for my health, to honour the body God has blessed me with- not to fuel my pride; I want to be involved in community work because it’s enjoyable, not out of obligation; I want to dabble in the arts because it keeps me alive, not to keep up with expectations.
I want to know- that it’s okay to say no, okay to sleep, okay to do completely nothing once in a while. I’m not indispensable or invincible.
I want to live a life where I have time to stop for one random person along the way, reflect about my journey and write them on a space such as this. I want to live a life where most of my time is spent doing things which have lasting values, which bear fruit and impact others. I want to live a life where I can spend time with my family and loved ones, and show them how important they are to me.
I want to live enjoying what is meant to be enjoyed, so my play doesn’t become my work. Maybe I won’t join any races after all. Maybe I won't participate in that calligraphy competition I intended to compete in. Maybe I'll just be content- learning how to take things easy, learning how to play.
I don’t want to live a wasted life, running about in a whirlpool of activity and realizing I haven’t gone anywhere. We’re human beings, not human doings. And I think all God wants is for me to listen to His voice, to His plan for me- because His to-do list is ultimately more effective than any I’ll be able to draw for myself.
God, what do you want me to do? I only want to do that. If it means just concentrating on a few things and reorganizing my priorities, then that’s what I want to do.
So I think I’ll spend some time by myself, doing nothing and nothing, but just… talking to God. I’ll find some time in quiet solitude, just… to play, to listen, to just… be.
And then I think I’ll stop waking up at 5 in the morning and find myself instead with 2 extra friends- an elephant and a canary- to play with, and who'll teach me how to Play.
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