Recovery is like breaking a stone perhaps. You could be chipping at it day and night for ages with minimal results, but it is only toward the last moments that cracks appear and the entire monument breaks apart. Yet, it certainly wasn’t only the last blow which did it, but every effort before too.
Sometime toward the end of last year, my stone started to break, and within weeks, I made exponential progress. Around that period, I remember a lady at church had walked straight up to me, looked at me and said, “I see Things, you know. And right now, I see a crown over your head. Ask God what this means.”
The quizzical expression on my face must have been grossly apparent- I hadn’t seen her before in my life. And how my quizzical expression melted into sheer bewilderment when another woman chipped in, “Why, isn’t it obvious? She’s a princess! She’s married to God!”
You could have seen question marks bursting from my ears. Like, huh? Seriously. Like, oh-kaaay.
I was relieved it was a crown she saw. Had it been say, a screwdriver or a slice of bread or a pop-tart, I think the mystery might’ve caused an excessive strain on my brain- for all my literary abilities, some metaphors might just be too hard to interpret, don’t you think?
I never figured it out, never quite got around asking her why she said what she said to me. In fact, I’d never seen her again. It’s almost as if she appeared, then disappeared again, like a wisp of cloud.
But my dream about having Feet of Clay seemed to run more deeply than I imagined, and as I felt God speak to me a few nights ago, the mysteries unraveled themselves and came together nicely like a jigsaw puzzle.
Sometime in February last year, I had a disturbing dream of an ugly, sinewy tree stump I had never seen before, with its roots exposed in the most grotesque manner. In July, a freakish déjà vu experience gripped me as I saw the exact scene in my dream before my eyes one day. What horror and surprise it brought me, when a friend shared that the King Nebuchadnezzar of the bible had had a similar dream about a tree stump too.
Finding that story in the bible and reading it sent chills down my spine, for during that season, when discouragement hung like a cloud over me as I wondered if I would ever be restored again from depression, the biblical interpretation of the dream pierced me: The command to leave the stump of the tree with its roots means that your kingdom will be restored to you when you acknowledge that heaven rules. - Daniel 4:26
Anorexia was about being too wilful to acknowledge God's place in my life, and so the message to surrender and acknowledge that “heaven rules” and not myself, cut my heart like a knife through soft butter. A few nights ago, I dreamt of the words “Feet of Clay”, whose biblical message was also that of surrendering ourselves, our frailties, and trusting in God. It seemed a little more than mere coincidence that the two dreams which spoke so deeply to me had come from the same part of the bible, dreamt by the same historical king Nebuchadnezzar, even. It startled me when I discovered it. For both times, I had absolutely no recollection of having ever read those stories before.
So it gave me goosebumps to know that the metaphorical messages hidden within my dreams held so much truth, power and revelation over my life, that the messages were sent at precisely timed moments when I needed it, that they were potent with biblical meaning, too. King Nebuchadnezzar, full of pride in himself, was walking into self-destruction- just like me, and God sent him dreams to speak to him… and to me.
My dream about the feet of clay spurred me to examine the stories again, and my eyes widened with wonder at the fresh perspective they revealed. Said the king: “At the same time that my sanity was restored, my honor and splendor were returned to me for the glory of my kingdom... and I was restored to my throne and became even greater than before.” -Daniel 4:36
Greater than before? How would that ever be possible? Months ago, in despair, I remember asking God that, for I could hardly envision myself being restored to my previous state of normalcy, much less receiving a kingly restoration. At the time, I took comfort reading about Job, a biblical character famous for his immense suffering. Oh, how I related to him as he cried, “God has stripped me of my glory, And taken the crown from my head… my hope He has uprooted like a tree.” -Job 19:9,10
Reflecting back on both my dreams, and that random comment made by the strange lady, it all seems to make sense now. For it was then that complete restoration started to come to me, that my rock started to break open, then that “my sanity was restored, my honor and splendor returned to me… and I was restored to my throne.” -Daniel 4:36
Saved, delivered, healed... Restored to my throne.
... Hence, the crown!
Perhaps this all sounds a little far-fetched. Perhaps it’s hard to believe that in our digital, rational, new-age world, God can still speak to us in primitive, powerful ways. Perhaps they were all mere coincidences.
But I choose not to think so, for in the darkness of night, I have seen the perimeter of God’s wing covering me; in the cold of winter, I have felt the warmth of His robe wrapped around me; in the quietest of moments, I have felt His breath on my cheek.
I have never seen God's face nor heard His audible voice before. I have never felt His handshake, never had Him pass to me a screwdriver to fix myself or had Him fix me a breakfast of bread and jam. In this life, I may never. But my restoration has been the greatest evidence of His great love for me, of His presence and existence, and that is sufficient.
That and ah yes, the crown on my head.
“For You meet (me) with the blessings of goodness;
You set a crown of pure gold upon my head.
I asked life from You and You gave it to me…
For I trust in God,
And through Your mercy I shall not be moved.
-Psalm 21:3-7
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