So each time we were in a large mall filled with throngs of people, they would each hold my hand and tell me the same thing over and over, "Jia, see where everyone comes in? This is the ENTRANCE. If you cannot find Mummy and Daddy, just go back to where we came from, the starting point, where everybody comes from, which is where we are now. You can also ask any of the nice ladies in the uniforms where the ENTRANCE is. Just wait there, and Mummy and Daddy will find you. We will be there waiting, and we'll take you home. Don't cry, and don't worry."
Sometimes, I think Big People get lost far more easily than children. And worse, we're far too proud to ask for directions, and go right back to the beginning, where we started out from. As we grow up, the mall we ourselves in becomes bigger and bigger, filled with more and more people, who go in more and more different directions.
I now understand why my parents never asked me to wait for them at the Exit instead, even though it does logically sound more convenient. How can I know where it is if I've never even seen it? And how would it be safe if I had latched on to some stranger and followed him? What if he stayed on Aisle Ten for eternity looking for a toothbrush? Or worse, if I tailed someone who worked at the store, who'd be there lingering forever? How would I know who to follow if everyone went off in a different direction? What if one of them turned out to be a Very Bad Man?
Then I would be lost-
- forever.
But it never happened. I only nearly got lost once, for a brief ten minutes where I stood rooted to the ground, not bawling or tearing or getting anxious, but simple naively holding on to the promise that my parents would come get me. " We will be there waiting, and we'll take you home." And they did. They were faithful to their Promise.
Sometimes, in a big big world, one can feel torn in ten different directions all at once. They're so many things to do, so many people to talk to, so many events to tick off our list- where do we start? And when we do decide on what we are to accomplish, which direction do we head in and who do we follow? What if it's the wrong person, or worse, a Very Bad Man?
Mum used to tell me horror stories about how Very Bad Men kidnapped little girls, tied them up, put them in car boots, hacked them into bite-sized nuggets and threw them into drains by dingy roadsides. "Never ever follow a stranger," Mum would tell me, and I'd go up to say hi to the next person who smiled at me and ask if I could ask him a riddle. A dangerous world this is, and I hadn't the slightest clue.
We forget, that each of us have a unique journey of our own, and that following a stranger will never help us reach our destination- at least not in the way we were meant to. We forget, that everyone has a different agenda, and that we must never, in any way, tie our hopes and dreams to any one stranger.
But it's hard, isn't it. Along the way, we form relationships with others, and unknowingly, unintentionally put our trust in them, tie our identities, our hopes and dreams to them- parents, friends, partners... and find ourselves completely lost, broken, paralysed when we suddenly turn around and find them gone, too. What happens then?
I've had too many friends sink into dark abysses of resignation and cynicism after falling out of relationships, heard too many stories of lives ruined by their partners' moments of callousness and folly, reflected on too many of my own moments where I found myself tying my identity and self-worth to people I admired- only to be crushed by unmet expectations, set too high in the very first place. It's scary, isn't it, to realise how much of our own sorrow we actually cause by pinning so much of our hopes on people around us, and demand that they meet up to our expectations. Friends, family... just, people- who become idols in our hearts.
We forget- that nobody can be there for us all the time; Nobody can shield us forever from the Big Bad World out there 24/7; Nobody can promise us life and joy for eternity, especially not if he comes in the form of a slick black suit and a glib tongue. Not even our parents can- even they, too, will leave us someday. Even they, too, for all their best intentions, are human.
If we imagined any one person taken away from us at this point in time, could we still thank God and be secure in His love and purpose for our lives? Surely we are allowed to grieve and mourn, but when that is over, is God and our trust in His goodness enough for us, or was He just a made-up figure-of-speech used to explain our fate with the thing/person we tied our souls to in the first place?
And as my life falls back into normalcy and becomes bombarded by unexpected events, surprises, disappointments, little shakings, I find myself asking if the hollow aches within were telling of how much priority and value I had subconsciously placed upon things, how much expectation and dependence I had unintentionally and unfairly placed upon people- instead of the only one thing which is truly unchangeable, faithful and eternal- God Himself.
Nobody can have a 24-hour hotline open all the time. Therapists have working hours, parents have limitations, friends need to sleep, boyfriends need space (some may even turn out to be Very Bad Men) and even gurus don't have all the answers to Life's questions.
Indeed, it is important to form deep bonds and relationships with people around us. After all, it is not to say that we ought to lead independent, self-sufficient and ascetic lives. But, in the midst of it all, do we displace God in the process, put more of our joy, hope and trust in any one thing or person?
Worse, are we following the wrong person, and depending on their own human wisdom to take us through Life's journey when we're lost? Do we realise that we could lose them too? And if that happens, are we irreparably shattered and do we turn to hate God?
I wonder.
I often wonder.
And maybe that's why Mummy and Daddy always asked me to go back to the start. The start- where we began on a clean slate, without tying ourselves foolishly to the uncertainties of this fickle and unpredictable world. Right back to the start, where we were confident of coming through. Right back to the start, where it all began, and where we determined to walk through life's journey faithfully following God's signposts and trusting Him to provide them.
Even the journey alone back to the start becomes a wonderful opportunity for growth- for finding security, confidence and faith in ourselves again. It is fine balance to keep- between staying deeply connected with and geuninely loving one another, caring for the people we meet along the way, and yet still putting our final and deepest sense of identity and trust in God alone.
When we're lost, do we expect others to fix us, or do we run into God's open embrace and trust Him to heal us, to guide us back home?
I'm in a mall and I'm watching- the many children crying and bawling because of whom they've turned around to find they've lost. They find themselves disoriented, confused and abandoned, frustrated they've no one to look to, saddened they've no one to be looked after by, downcast because they've no one to be beautiful for, anymore. Some of them are crying, even if who they've lost are Very Bad Men, and it scares me to see that sight. It could happen to me, too.
But for now I'm relieved and thankful for what I'm journeying to find in my White Place. I think I'm finding myself a north-bound compass that always points Home, to the start, where everything begins.
And I know that there'll be no disappointment, frustration or sadness there. And I can be sure to look up to find Someone there; I can be sure to be cared for and looked after; I can feel and be beautiful for a groom who adores and is captivated by me, for all my quirks and idiosyncracies, failings and shortcomings, warts and all.
Because right there at the start, will be You waiting for me with open arms, waiting to take me Home.
"In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."
-Matthew 18:14
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