Sometimes, they do. But they usually don't- out of politeness, out of the fear of stumping me and the fear of possibly shaking my very being, out of dignity to avoid seeming overly probing.
But I know. Some of them are questions I ask myself, even.
I know.
Questions like: If her faith is really so strong and God is really as compassionate and loving as people say, then why is she struggling with this? Why the clinical depression, the anorexia, the darkness, why all this drama? How can there be so much struggle and darkness in the life of someone who believes and practises a faith that's supposed to be good? Something is wrong, no? Either with the faith or the person, no?
If God is really loving, then why did all this stuff happen right when you were doing good things to help people-raising funds for orphans, doing Kitesong, visiting the poor, doing things which ou felt were answering your "calling" etc. Don't you feel cheated, betrayed? Is God unfair? Is he silent? Then how come after all this struggle, you're facing relapse? Is he hidden? How can you be sure of someone you're not even sure exists? After responding to what you feel is "God's call" for you in your life, doing all these projects, going to developing countries, wanting to be a missionary doctor, making sacrifices in your relationships etc, and still facing the stark realities less rosy than what the bible portrays, don't you feel toyed with, lied to?
It's so easy for people to believe in a faith that promises good health, wealth, prosperity and abundance of life and sweet victories. People hear stories about missionaries, Mother Teresa and admire their nobility and holiness. I do too. But they dont see the darker side, the side of missionaries facing vicious bouts of depression in a foreign land, facing rejection and betrayal from a people they sacrificed their lives to help, losing their children to native infectious diseases, facing the trauma of seeing all their hard work of planting schools, hospitals, churches, community service centres all wiped out by a single disaster, facing illness because of a deep depression from the isolation and homesicknss. Are we deluded? You'd have to be a fanatic to be a missionary or even want to, won't you?
A fanatic. Is that what people call it these days?
Bad things bringing on the darkness and a Good Faith? Most people can't and don't reconcile the two.
If God is really so real to you as you say, then why do you face all these struggles today? This is the question people ask me, or don't, out of politeness or to avoid sounding heretical. Don't you feel cheated, maybe brainwashed? Maybe this whole faith-concept isnt working so well for you anymore? Or do you have nothing else to hold on to besides using this as a crutch, a placebo, a salve? You mean you can't understand what guilt-free decadence and hedonistic fun is? Is this all you've got? Isn't it a tad bit pathetic to know maybe you spend so much time helping people because you can't see yourself living for yourself, a life of your own? Dont you have your own dreams? Why is everything "God's call"?
Some days, many questions taunt you.
"You be careful, you know. There was this girl in my ex-college whom you remind me of. High achiever, exuberant, always involved, very sociable... She was... well... anyway, you be careful ya, you take care of yourself…”
" Ha..." I laughed, "I'm no high achiever... My grades are okay."
"She committed suicide last year. "
Silence. Then, laughter- or at least mine.
"What? Hello? I believe in God and the goodness of the world and the works. It wont happen to me. Geez, seriously man. Seriously." I laughed it off.
“I don’t get it. You take this faith-thing seriously, don’t you?”
Yes I do. Because things happen for a reason. And Badness has to exist so that Good things can shine through. It’s only in the darkness that we see the kind of light that we can’t see in the day. Is the darkness worth it, worth it just to see the glow of a flint, the golden arc of a candle? Am I to embrace the darkness for understanding a glimpse of Incandescence? Am I deluded to wait for the winter of nightfall to see the stars? Is it worth it at all? Perhaps.
Why can't we just have the sunlight? Because looking straight into the sun can blind you.
The darker the night, the brighter the stars.
God doesn't prevent hardships, but he redeems even them. He redeems the darkness with stars.
Betrayed, deluded, taken for a ride or not, my stand remains the same.
“How come you still have faith in your faith? I don’t get it girl.”
I just do.
"You dont have to sit outside in the dark.
If, however, you want to look at the stars,
you will find that darkness is required.
The stars neither require it nor demand it."
- Annie Dillard.
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