I found it amusing how in the past few weeks, it almost felt as if God was using my Sunday School children to teach me the big lessons of life which I hadn't yet learnt. My co-teachers kept going on leave such that I had to take over their lessons over the past month to teach my Sunday School kids about Prayer: When Alisha first arrived and was $22'000 short, the lesson I was assigned to teach that week was having Faith in prayer. It was through preparing for and teaching my 7-year olds that lesson that I decided to be bold and to have faith in Alisha's situation; When my new bike was given over for her, the lesson I was assigned was being joyful always and thankful in everything. It was through teaching the lesson that I became determined to learn contentment and gratitude. And last week, just as I was struggling, struggling, struggling to find that at-times-elusive-emotion during my rides, the lesson plan for me was to teach the children to be brave to Ask, Seek and Knock on God's door for the requests we have in life.
"Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." -Matthew 7:7-8
Suddenly, it blew my mind to realise how often we take our needs and wants into our own hands, and forget to ask God for them. It is sometimes hard to pray the "me" prayer, isn't it? It's easy to pray for others, but we feel selfish praying for ourselves. And above all, perhaps most of us wonder- if God knows us inside-out, then doesn't He know what I need and desire?
As I was preparing the lesson plan and teaching the children, it suddenly blew my mind to realise that all this while, though I had wished and hoped madly for one, I had not once asked God for a well-fitted roadbike with proper brakes and gears. I had complained, I had whined, but I never made the direct request. It sounded too stupid, selfish and in the face of what Alisha needed, what disadvantaged children all over the world need, I was too ashamed to pray about it.
"So children, if God really knows what you need, then why do we need to ask?"
As I myself prepared for the lesson, I found myself going into the deep places of my heart to find out why too. Why? Why do I need to ask you if you know what I need?
My co-teacher, whom the kids call Uncle A, devised a game. The children were to fix a jigsaw puzzle, to which he had witheld some of the pieces. The initial response of the children was, "MISSING! MISSING! THERE'RE MISSING PIECES!!" It was only much later that they started asking us for them.
It was then that I realised, how often we whine about situations without actually asking God directly for solutions. It almost seems too ludicrous to ask since we assume He should know. It was then that I realised, that the process of asking God, of prayer, is one which cultivates humility, trust and faith. It was then that I realised, that the posture of asking requires one to cleanse one's heart and examine one's motives for asking.
" Sometimes, we ask. But did you notice Uncle A didn't give you what you needed immediately? Why is it we don't get what we want at times? Is it because God doesn't love us? Or is it because we need to ask more persistently, need to learn patience or ask the right questions in the right way?"
I taught them James 4:3- "You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures."
"What is the meaning of 'amiss'? It means asking wrongly. Sometimes, we don't get what we want immediately maybe because we need to check our hearts? How many of you have asked something from Mummy and Daddy, only not to get it? Did you ask for a Playstation (PSP) for selfish reasons? Like to show off, or did you want to play with it during your exams?"
The children became quiet. The PSP anecdote always grips the little tech-ies.
I don't know why but it suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps, through the series of Sunday School lessons God had brought me through, He was trying to tell me something which I had resisted for so long- that there was a reason for Alisha, for what happened between my desire and her need, but more importantly (and this was what blew my mind), that perhaps, it was okay to Ask Him for something I wanted so personally. It blew my mind.
Ask, seek and knock. This lesson came after I was determined to learn contentment and thankfulness. God, you telling me something? To be honest, I surprised myself to realise that all this while, I never asked God directly for a well-fitted bike which had proper gears and well-functioning brakes. I assumed He knew and I felt stupid and selfish asking for it. So I never did. And it hurt because I couldn't figure out why there had to be so much drama. I could've just got it the day I lay my eyes on that piece of metal and carbon. God, if you are the giver of all good gifts, then why not?
It's hard to pray the "me" prayer, isn't it?
At the end of the lesson I always ask the children what they've learnt. All this while, they've been following the story about Alisha and my bike. So I asked them, " How come sometimes we don't get what we want? Jiejie Wai Jia wanted a bicycle right, but it didn't come- why? What are all the reasons for unanswered prayers that we learnt today?"
"BECAUSE WE NEVER ASKED!"
"BECAUSE GOD HAS A BETTER PLAN!"
"BECAUSE OUR HEARTS ARE NOT CLEAN!"
I wondered if they saw how my face was stunned for more than a moment. They were right. I never asked God- I assumed it was impossible. I didn't see how He had a better plan, how much He was transforming and moulding my character through this tediously painful process. And I was too ashamed to ask because perhaps, my motives weren't pure. Had I not surrendered my desires enough? Perhaps sports still had its hold on me?
I was stunned in quiet amazement when I realised that the children taught me more than I did them. That the lesson on asking God bravely for our requests came right after the day I cycled so slowly with my training group that I completely dropped out-yet, I was happy. It was at that moment that my motives were purified- as I finally realised, that I had reached a point where I wanted a well-fitted bike, still, no longer because I wanted to be faster than someone, perform better for myself, or because sports had a hold on me, but simply because, I enjoyed the company of my training friends, enjoyed the way cycling, running, swimming brings me so close to the place of gratitude near God's home.
It also amazed me to realise how God has His own timing regarding giving His children good gifts. Just like how He had waited, waited, waited before granting my request to find funding to publish my next book "A Taste of Rainbow". It surprised me to see how my prayer saw some glimmer of an answer only through giving my new bike up, a symbolic gesture of how God, and not sports or my desires, had priority in my life. It amazed me to see how perhaps, He had delayed an answer to my prayer so He could bring me to that place.
J asked me 2 days ago, "So since that day, have you actually seen something you liked?"
"No actually. I've not."
That reminded me of how my new bike, if it ever comes, would have to come in God's perfect way and time. I know deep down, it would take more than a miracle for me to find something I like, to find something which would sit at peace with every fibre of my being, and to actually own something I would not feel guilty for. So what if my parents agreed to getting me a bike? It would frustrate me more to have to decide how much to spend and live with the guilt of getting a purchase for myself that God did not intend. So I know, the peace would have to be from Him alone. Some part of me had given up on my bike already. Yet, the children, the missionary, J and Aunty Ay all told me the same thing, "It'll come, Wai Jia. In God's time, it'll come."
I remember I had tears in my eyes when the missionary told me after I had given her the cheque, "I really hope you get your bike Wai Jia. You know, God is not a scrooge."
So I am learning, that even though it's hard to pray the "me" prayer, that perhaps, I just need to open my heart and mouth to learn to ask. To ask, not from my parents, not from men, but to ask Him directly, with patience, with trust, in gratitude and in faith, even though it is excruciatingly painful and I would rather block the thought out. Even though I don't see how it could possibly happen. Even though I almost think it silly and futile.
I know, that this would be a provision only God could provide.
I remember teaching the children, "Sometimes, beyond asking, we need to SEEK God and knock at His door over and over, because through the process, we learn something deeper, our hearts become cleaner. Remember to ask God with a clean heart, okay?"
I am learning, we just have to trust, that all things work for good, that we are all on a learning journey, learning about trust and faith, patience and hope. And that perhaps, it's okay to ask, as long as our hearts become cleaner, purer and closer to the heart of God.
"You ask and do not receive,
because you ask amiss,
that you may spend it on your pleasures."
-James4:3
"Ask and it shall be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives,
and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it will be opened."
-Matthew 7:7-8
Alisha's implant has been turned on. For the first time, she responded to us calling her by name. Thank you for your love and concern for her. Your gifts of love are still welcome as her follow-therapy will be on a long-term ongoing basis and your donation will still go a long way to helping her lead a normal life. Thank you for your emails- God bless you.
No comments:
Post a Comment