"Huh?"
I fell. It was such a silly fall, at an unpresumptuous spot. I heard the sound of bones breaking, saw the bleeding abrasion on my right palm and closed my eyes to suppress that dead feeling of dread inside of me. After so many times on my bike, how could I have fallen- again? It was such a silly fall, at such an unpresumptuous spot. I shouldn’t have fallen. But I did.
It reminded me, that no matter how far we’ve come and what we’ve done, we can still fall, over and over, even at the same places. We can make the same mistakes, twice, over and over, if we are not careful or presumptuous. Just because we know how to ride a bike doesn’t mean we’ll never fall again. In life, perhaps complacency is one of our greatest pitfalls, and we can stumble at any time. Falls- they remind us of our weaknesses, and of our innate need to rely on and trust in God.
Fungus shared with me how he used to return to the Spinal Cord Injury support group at the hospital to speak to and encourage patients with his journey. I marveled at that because it must take so much of him to do that, to recount the tragedy, to be reminded of his disability, and to go over the pains of coping with life now. Do you know what it is like for someone to have to stick a tube inside himself several times a day to extract urine because one has lost his urinary functions? Do you know how inconvenient it is to have to get out of the house on a wheelchair? … I can hardly imagine it. And I almost teared when he shared it with me, because I told him I hadn’t, and couldn’t return to my own support group at the hospital. “It’s too hard,” I said, “I’m not ready.”
Because though I can write and bring it up on my own accord if I feel it would help someone, it’s still hard to talk about it when people ask. Close ones know I don't like to talk about it. I've not written about this in months because I wanted to put it aside for a while. It’s hard to go over what happened, hard to come face to face with people suffering from it, hard to return to the same rooms which I want to lose the keys to. When I fell off my bike yesterday, at a most unlikely spot and position, I realized that though I have been doing so well, we must always be on our guard, and that we must never let over-confidence or our presumption trick us into complacency.
The more I train, the more Ed will try and take revenge. I am probably the heaviest I have ever been in my life now but I’m happy. God has been bigger, and my greatest challenge is not the race itself, but the victory in being free from Ed all the way till the race itself. God has blessed me with many angels of late, people to run, swim and cycle with- and that has kept Ed far, far away because he hates company. Perhaps that is why I like company, too.
The fall off my bike at such an unlikely spot and position forced me to realize that one must never be complacent. People working in factories doing the same things every day get into accidents; people who don’t continue reading develop Alzheimer’s; Great kings lose their kingdoms because of lust when they lose focus. And relationships break down when not watered every day.
I’ve read that the three-year mark is a gold mine. Being relapse-free for three years gives an outstanding prognosis for life-long cure. That will be when I graduate. One down, two to go.
Because of my fall, my mood to ride for the day had been ruined. I sat by the sea, watching the waves and along the way back, said hello to a fellow biker as I often do to other riders or joggers. His name was Michael, a competitive biker training for the upcoming Florida Championships. We talked, and as we rode, felt God connect us as we shared about our journeys in sports. Just like Amos and Fungus, he, too, was looking for a church- and each of them have laughed at how God put me in their paths to provide them with that extra push to go back to find the centre of their beings, to build their spiritual health. And I laugh, at how the exchange is balanced by their inspiration to me to build my own physical and emotional health.
Against my initial plans, we rode to the city, trained around a loop and talked more. Michael is a living example of how God is still centre of his life in spite of his great achievements. “Anytime God wants me to stop this pursuit, I am ready,” he says. “But it’s a daily process, you have to check yourself and listen all the time... ... God has put me through some difficult times, but very often, Pain helps us put things in perspective. Sometimes, we're like ants on the Mona Lisa. We don't know why God puts us through what He puts us through, but when you look at things from His perspective, the big picture is always beautiful. ”
He was another one of those random angels God had placed in my path to remind me of His message and love to me. And as we sensed His very real and almost goosebumply presence around us, we both teared at the lessons and messages He had used each of us to send to each other. “God has complete restoration set for each of us. He gave you your experiences for a reason. ”
There are no coincidences, only divine appointments and godly conspiracies. In the bible, Michael is the name of an angel.
I was glad I fell.
Through the fall, I met Michael. And through Michael, had what I had learnt through the fall reinforced in my being. We cannot be complacent, be it in our physical or spiritual training, because we can fall in the same silly places.
Someday, like Fungus, I would like to be ready and brave enough to go back to the support group to share my story. Someday, I would like to know that I am so different from who I started out as when I first met God because I didn’t give room for complacency. Someday, I would like to know God gave me a second chance and didn’t allow my wrist to break yesterday because He is loving enough to send us reminders for us not to get carried away.
At many points in our lives, we may not understand the reasons for the pain, experiences and journeys God puts us through. But we just trust, that we may be ants on the beautiful Mona Lisa which God sees and paints.
I was glad I fell.
"Do not forget to entertain strangers,
for by doing so some have unwittingly entertained angels."
-Hebrews 13:2
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