Pearls.

"Hey Wai Jia. You know..."

" Yes?"

"Uh... I read your blog and uh... this sounds silly uh... but I just wanted to say I'm so glad you shared what you shared about washing your hands with the antiseptic rub away from the sight of patients... because haha, I do that too! When everyone else just washes their hands right there at the patients' bedside. And I really thought I was neurotic or something!"

"Haha, not anymore!"

Girlish laughter.


It struck me, right there and then, that we each have so many idiosyncrasies we dare not share with others, because we think we're the only ones who have them- when in fact, we really are so similar in so many ways, perhaps even more so because we're so afraid to share.

Our little hidden secrets and untold burdens weigh in on us, and it can feel so lonely. Be it a seemingly peculiar habit of needing to pray out loud to God like a little child every night before going to bed, or having severe panic attacks when being questioned in class, or a struggle with certain obsessions, how many of us really know we're not alone?

And when we do, how often are we amazed by the relief others show, for the courage we had to take the first step forward, to offer a little of hidden selves to a dangerous world out there which may not be so dangerous after all.


" I mean, it's not really neurotic right, Wai Jia? I just feel bad washing my hands right in front of a human being just because I've touched them... It just doesn't feel right."

" (laughs) I feel the same way too, dear. No, I don't think it's neurotic. Either that, or we both are!"

More girlish laughter.


I received a letter from a Stranger lately, thanking me for sharing my struggles, and who, in turn, shared with me his. I just want to tell you that you're not alone, and that there're always people out there who understand, and who want to reach out to you.

I've had my moments of darkness, and still do, where I feel nobody understands, and the pain can be alienating. But I've always found that at some point or other, someone else feels the same way too.

Have faith, you're never alone. If anything, you can be sure at least God knows, and He understands.

You wrote:

"For years, I have been living in a hardened sphere of isolation and darkness. With every event and transition that happened in my life, my sphere grew... a new layer that added to its impermeability. Over time, it has grown to become the impenetrable fortress that it is today...

... The sphere resembles a pearl, and that is the worst thing about it. When you look at a pearl, you marvel at its beauty and colour... What you fail to see is that the source of a pearl’s existence is an irritant that lodges itself in the clam. The pearl would never exist if the clam were perfectly fine... Simply put, the pearl is not supposed to exist in the first place...

...This was how my pearl formed. Every discouragement and dressing down built a thin coating to protect me from further hurts, until I was surrounded by a thick shell, with no way of reaching out for help..."


You made use of a beautiful analogy. A Pearl. You mentioned that because of the hurt it endured to be produced, caused by irritants, it shouldn't have existed in the first place. Have you ever considered, however, that something that beautiful was birthed precisely because of the hardships and trials which it faced?

It is precisely the hardships and challenges in our lives which we overcome which make us stronger, more radiant, more real, and more beautiful.

How precious Pearls are, and what wonderful creations they are. Are we not like them, beautifully and wondrously made, precisely because of the struggles and trials we have overcome?

It's all a matter of Perspective.

You're not alone, and while so often we hide underneath our many layers, we, too, have the choice of taking the first step to step out of our comfort zones to share our struggles with others. We make deep, lasting connections with others when we ourselves find the courage to give a little of our authenticity to them. We're all so afraid, and yet we each long for the same genuinity and connection with one another.

Be brave, step out to share- with the right people, and with God, and you'll find that you're not any more peculiar, disconnected, or neurotic than anybody else in this world.


Either that, or we all are, love.

When we open up our shells, it is then when we may all take some time to marvel at one another's struggles, victories, and strength- which all become deposited as precious Pearls.

" O Lord... You understand my thought from afar off...

If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall fall on me,'

Even the night shall be light about me...

Psalm 139: 2b, 11

Letters of Hope (2)

Letters of Hope

are a series of letters I have chosen to write in response to questions I receive regarding recovering from Anorexia.

I am not a professional, and I don't have all the answers, but I hope that sharing my experience and thoughts may help answer some of your questions, and encourage some of you towards Recovery. It is my hope that this sharing may also help some of you better understand and support someone suffering from Anorexia, now or in the future.

hey...

I dont know if you remember me, but this is N :) We met a couple of times at the support group… … I just returned from my trip to X … but I think I'm like relapsing. Reading your blog really inspires me to wanna recover. I was just wondering, if you could like tell me how life is on the other side (after recovery) and how you managed to. I really do want to recover.

thanks :D

love, N.


*Names and places have been changed.




Dear N,

Of course I remember you and I’ve been wondering how you’ve been too. Thank you for writing- I’m really glad to hear from you! : )

On Relapse

I haven’t attended the support group many times myself because by the time I found it, I was almost all right. But remember once we talked about how it is possible to recover, and to recover fully? Believe in that with all your heart. I had a Relapse before too, a few times over the past year actually. I've had to learn that it’s perfectly normal, and nothing to beat yourself up about. The road to recovery is a winding one, and relapsing doesn’t mean getting lost- it means accidentally taking two steps back because of tripping over a stone of some sort. Sometimes, the new perspective helps you learn more about yourself, and you can move forward faster, with more strength to your stride.

Relapse doesn’t mean anything but a learning experience. We can choose to accept it and use it to learn more about ourselves, or stay discouraged and give up. You’re really brave and determined to decide for yourself to want to move forward, and you’re on the right track : )

Finding your stones

Write them down

One thing I can't do to help is to give a sure-fire formula on how to recover, because each of us are so different. This is what makes Anorexia so difficult to treat- Each of us have such different Stories. But I can tell you one thing- that you can recover, by looking out for your own stones.

Stones are things that trip us, things that bring back bad thoughts and self-destructive behaviour. They could be anything, and I had to take time to think about what my stones were. By beautiful chance, I met a British lady, Ll, who is a marathoner, who used to suffer severely from Anorexia, and who is working on becoming a counsellor to help people suffering from this. She taught me to recollect past situations which triggered off destructive thoughts and behavior and I had to take a lot of time to write down what those things were, find out what my stones were.

They could be anything. Every one has different stones. After a lot of thinking and recollection of past experiences, I learnt that some of my triggers were lonliness, events which triggered insecurity, stress from work, eating with people who talk excessively about calories and exercise and weight, and being inundated by a storm of unhealthy societal expectations. These were my stones, things which tripped me up.

Take a baby step- Find out what your stones are. Write them down in one column, and on the second column, write down the things you can do to avoid tripping over them. In other words, look for those stones, and pick them up before they trip you.

My Stones

Insecurity and stress tripped me up real bad. My worst stone was feeling lonely as I've a lot of difficulty articulating my feelings especially when those feelings are anger or frustration- I've been brought up in an environment where those feelings are labelled to be "bad". Realising what my stones were helped me to think of ways to cope whenever I bumped into them.

For me, picking up stones meant making sure I made an effort to eat with normal, healthy people who made me feel at ease; it meant journalling my thoughts and talking to God whenever I had strong feelings about something, instead of running away from problems by literally going for a run; it meant me making a conscious effort to say how I felt; it meant me avoiding trashy fashion magazines featuring anorexic people.

It meant me spending time for myself and with God, and not just being busy trying to please everybody else. It meant me avoiding situations that I knew would trip me up.

It meant taking time to find out what I could do to pick up those stones before they tripped me.

You can too. Find out what your stones are, and where they lie. So the next time you see them, you can pick them up, and walk forward- well.

As you get better, your trip-ups get fewer and further between, and that's when you know you're on your way to being completely Well.

Asking WHY

This was the most challenging part for me.

Once you've figured out what your stones are, and what you can do to pick them up, here comes the real challenge. I had to find out WHY those stones tripped me in the first place. Why does eating with people who obsess about fashion and weight and exercise trigger a self-restricting response? Why do I feel insecure? Do I need to feel insecure?

This takes a lot of time because it goes so deep, runs so far back. It can be very frustrating and challenging. You may even need some help from someone professional to help you through this. I was already seeing a counsellor then because of my journey with depression, and it dug out many ill beliefs and damages which I had absorbed unconsciously as a child. I learnt so much and gained a lot of self-awareness through this process.

Remember to be faithful in writing down your stones using your two columns, and to ask yourself WHY.

Pressing in

There will be times you feel like throwing in the towel, and times where you feel like bursting out in tears because nobody seems to understand. People around you can say and do things that hamper your recovery, and this can be extremely exasperating, I know.

Hold on to one thing- that no matter what people say or do, no one can take away your decision to get better. No one.

Getting Support

I had a friend who would force me to eat whenever he was with me, and I found it extremely stressful. Many times I felt like bursting into tears, tell him he didn't understand, or ask him to leave me alone. But he was a good friend, like a big brother, and I wanted to get better. So I explained my illness to him, let him read a book on how to help me and asked him to support me by giving me time and space to recover.

It's not too much to ask- they want to help, too. If it helps, you can take the iniative to tell your close friends how they can support you in your recovery. Instead of just getting mad, or crying, you can choose to press in, and make your recovery work.

Rationalise

Growing up in a family where members count calories, make fun of larger people and give one another second looks when you take an extra spoonful of rice was difficult for me. Many times I felt like exploding. But instead of getting mad, or crying, I chose to press in, rationalise in my head that they don't know how to help, rationalise that I can make a choice to nourish my body, rationalise that what they are saying hurts me but I can press in and be determined to eat well, be well.

There are always 2 voices in your head- the healthy one, and the unhealthy one. Whenever you feel like going back to old ways, let the 2 voices thrash it out with each other until the good side wins. Rationalise things in your head. MAKE SURE THE GOOD SIDE WINS.

Desperation

Desperation is a good thing during recovery. It keeps you determined. Be desperate for recovery- write your reasons for doing so down and keep them as reminders.

For a long time, I kept my scale, even during recovery. But this incident broke me down completely, and made me desperate enough to want to be Well, not just partially, mostly but COMPLETELY Well. I was completely set free only after I threw it away.

Be desperate for recovery, and throw it away.

Most of this world does not understand Anorexia. When they don't, and say or do things which hurt us more than help us, we need to press in. Press in, in desperation, and make our recovery work for us.

My White Place

Church and God helped me a lot. They are the reason why I recovered so quickly.

There is a principle in the bible which helped me a lot- that is, the principle of "dying to yourself so you can live". It's really about putting to death our destructive worldly, human desires so that we can live victoriously. I applied it to recovery. Every time I felt the desire to return to the old ways, I would pray, put those thoughts to death, and do the complete opposite- if didn't feel like eating for example, I would pray, then be determined to finish a meal.

This can be very difficult. But there is something powerful in believing in God with all your heart because He has the power to unchain shackles, transform lives, set captive people free.

I do believe there is a time and place for professional counselling, medication and taking steps to recover. But at the end of the day, I believe all these methods are human constructs- there is something powerful about believing in the power of God that can break down strongholds and set you completely free, in a way even the best self-help book can't. Not everyone will agree with me on this and that's all right. This is my personal opinion from my experience.

There was a lot of crying. A lot of crying. But God heals- I know He did for me.

Life on the Other Side

Green Hills and Blue Skies

It is completely different here. Here, I am free.

Anorexia is tiring. It tires you mentally, physically and emotionally. For me, it was also a symptom of depression. Getting Well meant being set free from obsessive thoughts, having a healthier body, and learning how to get in touch with my feelings.

I feel better physically. Being Well means feeling more energetic, having a better memory to study well and looking much, much better. You'll be surprised, but being well gives you a glow Anorexia will never be able to give you. Being Well is what truly makes you beautiful.

I feel better emotionally and mentally. The process of Getting Well taught me so much, and likewise, you, too, will become stronger, more compassionate and more sensitive to other people through this process.

Life on the other side is victorious, and Free. You finally see how much more there is to life- people to meet, places to go, meaningful things to do. What do you want to be when you grow up? Remember, you can be good at what you do, but only without Anorexia.

On the ground

I'll be honest with you. There are still things I struggle with, like learning how to say I'm angry. A lot of times I don't, and it takes me a few hours, or days to admit to both myself and someone else that I'm angry and that it's a valid feeling. These are things we can continually work on, and which make us better people.

The Person Inside

Recovering is a beautiful process. It helps you to find out who you really are inside.

Anorexia takes the real YOU away. It numbed my feelings, set rigid rules, and took away my freedom. Reovering meant having the courage to unpeel the many layers I had chosen to hide under, unzipping the costume I was wearing because I felt so insecure. Recovering meant being a child again, exploring what foods I actually do like to eat, and to have them without anxiety. Recovering meant being open and honest with myself and finding the person inside.

Who is the real you? Be excited to find out : )

You'll be completely Well, N. You know, not many people would come this far to seek help regarding Relapse- You're very brave and determined : )

You'll be completely Well. Believe in it with all your heart.

God loves you very much dear.


Love,

Wai Jia

Letters of Hope (1)

I have chosen to write this because of what some of you have been sharing with me over the past few months. Some of you have been updating me on your progress, asking me questions, and sharing with me bits and pieces of your own Stories. It’s been very difficult to put my answer in an email to different people, or try and squeeze what I would go on to say in half an hour in a text-message space, so I’ve decided to write this letter to all of you whom I’ve met at the support group.

It’s been a joy knowing you all, and I thank God for each and every one of your lives. It’s a long one, so hold on tight.


My Ring

Many people ask me why I wear a ring on the fourth finger of my left hand. To most of them, I never share my answer. They think it’s because I’m attached and I let them think what they want. Today, I will share it with you.

I have heard people tell me of their recovery from depression and other challenges, because of “someone who loved me when I felt no one ever could.” I want to make it very clear that I do not believe in that. This, however, is my personal opinion and I don't impose it on anyone.

I believe God sends us many angels to help us in our recovery, but not one person can be the reason for our recovery. Some people tell me it was a newfound boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel like they were worth being loved, and my response to that is that for true recovery to take place, you must recover for yourself and God mostly. Neither your mother, nor your boyfriend, nor the support group, nor your counselor, nor myself even, should be the main reason for your recovery. What if your boyfriend leaves? What if he, too, faces troubles and becomes depressed-Are we all not human, susceptible to the lust of the eye and the temptations and stresses of this world?

People can inspire you, they can motivate, love, support you, open your eyes- but ultimately, you must want to recover because you want to and because you believe God loves you enough.

I wear a ring, with God’s name engraved inside of it, on the fourth finger of my left hand because it is my commitment to God with regards to my calling to be a missionary doctor, and to live my life well. And it is a reminder to me of the great love He has for us. We are like God's bride. My ring also tells me that a relationship can only be beautiful when 2 whole people come together, not 2 halves.

That is why I wear my ring every day, all the time. And why I can’t explain why I wear it to most people I meet.


Doing what you do not wish to do

The Choices we make
We’ve talked about this before. Anorexia, for many, is about controlling the only thing you can when everything in life seems to be going out of control. It spirals into a perverse form of extreme discipline- I can't eat this, can't do that, have to burn these number of calories in this amount of time and the list never ends. This is discipline of the body. Since we are all so caught up with this grand notion of discipline, I want to share a higher form of discipline with all of you.

Its called the discipline of the mind and spirit. Discipline is, very often, a matter of doing what your natural impulse refuses to do. Recovery began when I started to exercise this higher discipline to replace the lowly, self-destructive discipline of the body. This higher discipline is about being positive, being alive, and being victorious. It is about doing what Anorexia refuses to do.

I ate when I knew I had to, even when Anorexia didn’t want to, even when I wasn’t hungry- because we all know that at some point, many of our stomachs shrink so much that even just a small meal fills us up so quickly. Even now, perhaps many of us find it very difficult to consume a normal-sized meal at one sitting. But at least, I make sure I eat enough throughout the day, even when I don’t feel hungry- because my hunger centre has been thrown off. I threw away my micro-skirts, even my favorite ones, the whole stack of them, because they represented insecurity, neediness and succumbing to our cultural idols of artificial perfection. I force myself to talk, write, express my feelings in times of distress even though my natural impulse is to go for a run. I have disallowed myself to participate in any form of long-distance marathon training until I know that my body and mind are fully well.

I make sure I eat with people when I lose my appetite because it lifts my spirits and helps me to eat better. I hardly watch television, and I don’t read trashy magazines even though the artist in me loves fashion- because it doesn’t help, it just doesn’t help. Can you look at me in the face and tell me reading Cleo helps you in recovering? People read trashy fashion magazines because it gives them a temporary delight of luxuriating in someone else’s fantasies. Maybe one day you'll be able to read stacks and stacks of these magazines and be perfectly fine with it, but right now, is that the best choice to make for yourself? What you feed your mind with is essential to recovering. You can make the choice not to become a victim of superficial cultural ideals.

What is beautiful is what the eye cannot see.

You can choose to do what you do not want to do. You can choose to seek professional help even though you may need to overcome an initial barrier of feeling shy.

You always have a choice to do what you do not wish to do so that you are one step closer to getting well. You always have a choice, remember that.

You are not a number
We all know our blood-attachment to the weighing scale. When I was very, very ill, it was everything to me. Even during recovery, it was something to fall back on on bad days. Yet, against all obsession, I threw it away. I didn’t change its location, put it in another place so I wouldn’t see it, or tell my family to keep it from me. I did what I didn’t want to do but needed to be done. I THREW IT AWAY. DOWN THE CHUTE. There are many things in life worth throwing away. Your life is not one of them.

You are not a number. God made you a human being deserving of love, happiness and freedom.

Many of you tell me about the perverse feeling of delight when you lose extra weight, because it feels empowering and gives you a sense of control, discipline. I understand, I really do. But consider this- that that kind of discipline wastes, destroys and mocks, while a different kind of discipline, that of doing what you do not wish to do- for your own good, is a more beautiful, higher form of discipline, one that fulfills, builds, and sets free.

Remember, recovery is being strong enough to do what you do not wish to do.


Braveheart

You are very brave to have taken the first step to seek help, talk about your problem. You are very, very brave because so many choose to sleep over it in denial. But it doesn’t stop here. There is a difference between genuinely wanting to get better and taking action, and simply being content to wallow in the status quo because you’ve found a place to ventilate and feel comfortable among fellow people who suffer in the same place you do. There is a difference between true courage, and self-indulgence trying to pass as honesty, admitting your foibles not to improve but only to gain sympathy and consent.

That is no longer courage. It is called, at best, a more sophisticated form of cowardice.

So be strong, do what you do not wish to do in order to get better- that is making progress, that is True courage.


That good.

So many of you are very, very bright. I’m not surprised, because people susceptible to Anorexia are often perfectionists in the first place. Many of you tell me how devastated you are by your academic dip in studies, and some of you have had to stop schooling for a while.

Last year, in spite of saving a lot of travel time by staying at the hostel, I didn’t do so well in my first year of medical school myself. I know how it feels. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't remember anything I had studied. This year, I decided to stay at home, decided to recover. This year meant having to spend at least 2 hours a day traveling to and from university, while studying for twice as many subjects as my first year of school, and choosing to spend twice as much time at church than I ever did before.

But this is also the term I have scored twice as well. Do you not miss being above average again? Not because of some deep-seated insecurity driving you to perform, but doing well, simply because you are well.

I can finally eat with my family, and go out for meals with friends, attend social functions without feeling paranoid or anxious. I can finally –think- clearly and lucidly. My mind is freed from obsessing, obsessing, obsessing... I am no longer edgy all the time. My hair doesn’t fall out anymore. I can breathe, live, create, simply Be.

Yes, life after Anorexia can be –that good-. And it most certainly is Possible.


On Winning

You can't win overnight, but you can win small battles every day, all the time.

You win when you eat well, one meal at a time. You win when you decide today is the day you will try and recover for yourself, and for God. You win when you lose and tell yourself you'll try again, and again, and again. You win when you cry because it's so hard but you press on anyway. You win when you forgive yourself for backsliding but never lose hope. You win when you decide to throw your scale away. You win when you decide you want to attend church regularly and thank God for your life, even when you don’t feel like it.

You win when you do what you do not wish to do, because you want to get better. You win when you believe that God loves you. You can win every day.

Keep winning small battles, and you'll Win big-time eventually.

I keep receiving similar messages about self-loathing. Yes, we know- it's not about the food or vanity, but it's about what's inside. I want you all to read this. And then write down ten things you are grateful to God for, about your life, talents and body. Ten things. Don't just think about it- write it down.


On God

A lot of you ask me about God. And why He is so important to me, how He played such a big role in my life and recovery. There is one thing you have to sort out- that God didn’t give you an eating disorder. Life did, and through all things, God represents that hope for us to transform any form of suffering into strength, resilience and beauty.

I don't want to over-generalise or over-simplify by saying that God is a one-time sugar-injection, and overnight rainbow rush, an instant cure-all. But all I can say is that believing in, learning about, serving and trusting in God over time is the reason I recovered so quickly. God and church are the reason I am who I am today.

Do you not know we are God's bride, and that His love for us is “strong as death… unyielding as the grave”, which “burns like blazing fire” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)? Is that not the kind of love we all long for, that deep, awesome love that is almost ferocious? Does it not terrify you one bit that for all our imperfections, Someone loves us that much, that terrifyingly? I know it terrifies me. It is why I wear my ring every day, all the time.

Believing in God means believing you are worthy of love; believing in God means trusting Him enough to believe that you are beautiful, and will be even more so when you start eating normally, eating well because He made you with all the love in the world- He won't shortchange you by turning you into a fat-mound because you decided to eat well, be well (So many of you tell me this is your greatest fear!); believing in God means letting go, letting it go and just living, trusting and exulting in life.


On the Road

So many of you thank me. You thank me for being God’s angel to you.

But I just want to tell you that you too, have taught me much. You have been of great encouragement to me in many ways. It's been my joy knowing you. And you, too, can become God’s angel to someone else in time to come, if only you will believe in it.

It’s a journey. It’s a real journey, one that winds this way and that, and still, I am walking it. We walk everyday- it is a long road, but it is always worth it.


Life after recovery really is -that good-.

Remember, God loves you. He loves you so very, very much. For every valley we go through, a mountain-top experience awaits. It may be a long journey, but it is worthwhile. A beautiful place awaits.

I am praying for each and every one of you. Be well for yourself and for God, no one else.

Be strong, and do what you do not wish to do, because you'll be one step closer to that beautiful place.

You are very precious indeed.

Go and be Well.

God bless your hearts.



Love,
Wai Jia