Pearls.

"Hey Wai Jia. You know..."

" Yes?"

"Uh... I read your blog and uh... this sounds silly uh... but I just wanted to say I'm so glad you shared what you shared about washing your hands with the antiseptic rub away from the sight of patients... because haha, I do that too! When everyone else just washes their hands right there at the patients' bedside. And I really thought I was neurotic or something!"

"Haha, not anymore!"

Girlish laughter.


It struck me, right there and then, that we each have so many idiosyncrasies we dare not share with others, because we think we're the only ones who have them- when in fact, we really are so similar in so many ways, perhaps even more so because we're so afraid to share.

Our little hidden secrets and untold burdens weigh in on us, and it can feel so lonely. Be it a seemingly peculiar habit of needing to pray out loud to God like a little child every night before going to bed, or having severe panic attacks when being questioned in class, or a struggle with certain obsessions, how many of us really know we're not alone?

And when we do, how often are we amazed by the relief others show, for the courage we had to take the first step forward, to offer a little of hidden selves to a dangerous world out there which may not be so dangerous after all.


" I mean, it's not really neurotic right, Wai Jia? I just feel bad washing my hands right in front of a human being just because I've touched them... It just doesn't feel right."

" (laughs) I feel the same way too, dear. No, I don't think it's neurotic. Either that, or we both are!"

More girlish laughter.


I received a letter from a Stranger lately, thanking me for sharing my struggles, and who, in turn, shared with me his. I just want to tell you that you're not alone, and that there're always people out there who understand, and who want to reach out to you.

I've had my moments of darkness, and still do, where I feel nobody understands, and the pain can be alienating. But I've always found that at some point or other, someone else feels the same way too.

Have faith, you're never alone. If anything, you can be sure at least God knows, and He understands.

You wrote:

"For years, I have been living in a hardened sphere of isolation and darkness. With every event and transition that happened in my life, my sphere grew... a new layer that added to its impermeability. Over time, it has grown to become the impenetrable fortress that it is today...

... The sphere resembles a pearl, and that is the worst thing about it. When you look at a pearl, you marvel at its beauty and colour... What you fail to see is that the source of a pearl’s existence is an irritant that lodges itself in the clam. The pearl would never exist if the clam were perfectly fine... Simply put, the pearl is not supposed to exist in the first place...

...This was how my pearl formed. Every discouragement and dressing down built a thin coating to protect me from further hurts, until I was surrounded by a thick shell, with no way of reaching out for help..."


You made use of a beautiful analogy. A Pearl. You mentioned that because of the hurt it endured to be produced, caused by irritants, it shouldn't have existed in the first place. Have you ever considered, however, that something that beautiful was birthed precisely because of the hardships and trials which it faced?

It is precisely the hardships and challenges in our lives which we overcome which make us stronger, more radiant, more real, and more beautiful.

How precious Pearls are, and what wonderful creations they are. Are we not like them, beautifully and wondrously made, precisely because of the struggles and trials we have overcome?

It's all a matter of Perspective.

You're not alone, and while so often we hide underneath our many layers, we, too, have the choice of taking the first step to step out of our comfort zones to share our struggles with others. We make deep, lasting connections with others when we ourselves find the courage to give a little of our authenticity to them. We're all so afraid, and yet we each long for the same genuinity and connection with one another.

Be brave, step out to share- with the right people, and with God, and you'll find that you're not any more peculiar, disconnected, or neurotic than anybody else in this world.


Either that, or we all are, love.

When we open up our shells, it is then when we may all take some time to marvel at one another's struggles, victories, and strength- which all become deposited as precious Pearls.

" O Lord... You understand my thought from afar off...

If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall fall on me,'

Even the night shall be light about me...

Psalm 139: 2b, 11

Turning back.

* Letter published with permission

Dearest Wai Jia,

I really don't know how to express my thanks to you for all the rainbows you create for people like us through your webpage. I have always longed to email you and yet I was hesitant, scared as I'm not really good at expressing myself. But your entry 'the gift nobody wants' really made me cry and I feel the need to thank you so so much. You have managed to see the same 'illness' so many of us have in such a different way... As I blame God and attempt to take my life in protest, you grow closer to him; as I start to feel that society is shit, you reach out to help others........ You're really a rainbow Wai Jia, the rainbow that has provided me relief in the storm. You find the exact words and analogies to describe feelings that I can express only through self-harm and I thank you loads for making me understand me.

Somehow, reading your entries is therapy in itself. I'm not trying to say that I'm suddenly going to start being 'normal' again after this email, because I don't think it is that easy. I feel so guilty, I'm a failed christian and I doubt I'll ever find the kind of strength you have. All I wanna say is thanks, loads of thanks, please don't stop what you're doing... I know God will bless you loads, you're just as beautiful as your words. All the best!

With love and sincerest thanks,
T


Dearest T,

Thank you for writing- For your thanks, affirmation and generosity, I’m deeply grateful, and I’m truly encouraged by your kindness. There is something I would like to say, and I hope you won’t mind me sharing this with you and others here.

We are all different, yet all the same. I want you to know that I am no different, my heart, my form and my body was made with the same substance and by the same Hands as yours are. In times of deep depression and despair, I, too, have blamed God, and considered "to take my life in protest" as you mentioned, sometimes even feeling the same feeling "that society is shit" as you described. We are all the same- our hearts, minds and bodies moulded and shaped by the same Hands, our self-pitying emotions, fear of losing control and wicked deceitfulness all falling short of the same thing. I am no different, I have felt the same way.

Do not ever feel like you have failed, or like you will never have the strength to find your own rainbow. Most of all, never compare yourself with me or any other- for we are all the same, fallen in the same places, cracked along the same faults, crooked along the same lines. Whatever I have, you have too. And whatever you have, I, too. We are made with the same substance, by the same Hands. Remember that.

Many times, most of us go through the same feelings- grief, anger, denial, despair and rebellion. The difference, however, lies in the eventual choice we make. I think it is natural to be mad at God. We all do. But I think, perhaps, it is better to be mad at God and to know so, to turn to him and tell him so, than to be mad and in denial about it, or worse, to turn away in guilt, shame, anger or cynism.

I've noticed-people with faiths have a great tendency to feel guilty, thinking that with God, they ought not to feel such strong feelings of sorrow, vehemence, anger. But I have only just learnt and realised, that many good men of the bible were depressed, furious and frustrated with God too. Yet, none of them needed to feel guilty, none needed to feel like they weren’t good enough. The difference between people with similar cirumstances but different outcomes is that those who find their rainbows were the ones who told Him their feelings to his face. You can say I AM SO MAD. Not behind his back, but to Him, into His face- I AM SO MAD AT YOU GOD, AND I'M REALY UPSET WITH THIS. We have emotions for a reason- but what we do with them is important- do we get mad at God and stay so, or tell him so we can listen to what he has to say, hear his heartbeat against our own?

Once I read somewhere that it is perfectly all right to be mad and disappointed with God. But we must tell it to His face, that same face which created our hearts, souls, minds, for joy, peace and good things. It is when we tell it to His face that our healing begins, for we chose not to turn away. That is the difference. He loves us so much, but we have to let Him.

This rainbow you are seeing is not created by me- We are all the same, my heart, mind and emotions made from the same substance and by the same Hands as yours, yours completely. I share the same wicked, deceitful, self-pitying thoughts- we all do. But those same Hands which have painted the rainbow for me, are the same Hands that can paint the rainbow for you, too- if only you believe so. It is not a rainbow I have created myself. The first rainbow was created after Noah's ark found dry land after the 40-day flood, as a sign of God's promise to Him. God doesn't break promises. And His promise to you, to me, to all of us, is that for each and every one of our lives, He has a rainbow awaiting.

There’s no such thing as a “failed Christian” or a “failed person”. And never feel you’ll never have the strength someone else has. For whatever beauty and strength you see in me or any other, and any fault or darkness you see in yourself, you have and I have, too. We are all made of the same substance, formed by the same Hands, and loved as much by the same Heart.

Get angry and mad and sad with God if you have to. But when you do, tell it to His face. Don't turn away. For every heartbreak you have, he has too; for every tear you cry, he cries too; and for every harsh word you say, he hurts too. It pierces through His skin like a knifeblade and he bleeds. He takes it, every time, and He wants to. Is that hard to believe?

For at the end, no matter how mad we get at Him, He never loves us any less. He loves us just as much, for telling it to His face, for not turning away. He loves us just as much. And we can always turn back, always go back to Him. He is always waiting for us to.




Whatever encouragement or glimpse of God you have found here, I have found in your beautiful letter too. We all need one another to fill us in similar ways, are all made of the same substance, by the same Hands, loved by the very same Heart, destined for the same rainbows. There are no failures in his sight, only children he is waiting for, to turn back to him. He is always waiting.

God bless you loads too, dear. You are just as beautiful in his sight.

Love,
Wai Jia

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18

Places.

In my email inbox today:


"Dear Wai Jia,


Based on what I’ve been reading from your blog, you must have had your fair share of being in touch with people with all the problems and depression etc. I guess, I should not be that much of a shock then.



Basically, i attempted suicide by an overdose of drugs… I was rushed to the hospital that evening..."



Thank you for sharing with me all that you’ve been through. The terrible mood swings, aggressive behaviour, sudden bursts of tears, self-hurt and pain, the exasperation with your family and relationships, and the million little pieces inside of you which you’re trying to recollect… I understand.

I understand.

Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I know your language of pain, and the colour of Blackness. I don’t know you, I’ve never even met you. I cannot even try to say I understand fully what you’ve been through. But I want to tell you to hold on, and to be brave.

This is a phase. And it will pass.

The reason why we want to cut the rope, snuff the candle and want all this all to end is because we think the darkness is forever. But friend, I promise you, this is only temporary. It is a passing, a test, a place we walk to and leave from. We choose how long we want to stay in that place, in the centre of that storm. Sometimes we think the darkness will never end. But it will. I promise you, it will.

I know you believe in God because you wrote so and I need you to know God is always there. In the darkness, he is always there. Maybe in the times of extreme emotion, it is as if God is hidden, or evil or just... not there. But He is, I promise you.

Someone once told me that peacock feathers are made from peacocks eating thorns. Sometimes life is like that- It is the harshest things we take in that ultimately contribute to our beauty, and strength. I need you to know there is a reason for all of this happening, need you to know that God never gives us more than we can bear, and most importantly, I need you to know that deep inside of you, you have what it takes to turn this all around, and to find your reason for holding on.

Have you seen the rainbow after the storm.

It took me ten years to walk through it. Ten years of darkness sifting through light, fumbling, stumbling, crying and sometimes walking. Mostly, I never knew who God was. It was only 2 and a half years ago when I did. And when I did, sometimes, I doubted if God cared. I asked him why. All the time I asked Him why, just like how you may do too.

But I am here now. I have arrived. The process is not easy. It can be excruciatingly painful, what with all the counseling and delving into one’s past and childhood trauma, but the paradox is this. The deeper you delve into your pain, the more profound the release and the greater the fulfillment you will experience in your breakthrough. I need you to be brave and walk through this emotional journey with your counsellor, find out where things went wrong, release the emotions, come to a place of forgiveness, acceptance and total breakthrough. I'm so glad you're seeing someone professional who is helping you through this. You have taken the bravest step of all.

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is moving forward in spite of it. It is moving out against your odds and believing in what you used to, God. It is believing that every day, you are learning about the meaning of strength in suffering, resilience in despair.

As long as you believe, all this will come to good someday. The world is so, so huge. There are many people waiting for your recovery and victory, so that after the storm, you can run free in the rain, and help those caught in the onslaught. Someday, you will see how all this will come to work for good, how it will shape you to be the kind of man you always wanted to be, sensitive, understanding, compassionate. I need you to see that one day, this experience will help you reach out to someone who needs help. One day, you will become somebody's hero.

I’m not asking you to be a hero overnight. What I’m asking you to do is to live bravely, one day at a time, spending five, ten minutes each day in quietude, believing that God is with you. I am asking you to use this experience to gain a deeper understanding of your inner man, and to explore his hurts, his strengths and his dreams. It may not seem like much, it may seem like nothing at all, but God is here with you- He really is.

I need you to see there is a reason for all of this, and that a beautiful place awaits ahead of you. You will reach it if you make a daily choice to live bravely, every day. In moments of desperation, profound frustration and wild, crazy madness, I need you to learn how to love yourself, to take a breather, to be strong and reject the alcohol, and to write your emotions out, because God loves you to the moon and back.

I know you can. I have arrived here, and every day, there is nothing more I want to do than to live. You will reach here too. I know you can. Be brave.

I’m here now aren’t I.

Life is never about staying in one place. We are always moving, and I need you to know God doesn't intend to make a house in the place where you're at now.



" My attempt at communicating with you, to put it bluntly, is... I wanna get out of the hole i'm in now and i need a hand which i can relate to for help. Thanks for listening. Hope to hear from you soon."





Thank you for writing. This is God’s hand I’m giving to you. Remember what I said about roads leading to places. Be strong, take courage.

from A Taste of Rainbow

" 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you; Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10