Perhaps it is not so much the habits themselves which bind us to them, but the familiarity and comfort we find there which makes us run back to them, no matter if they are good for us or not. Very often, they aren't anyway.
Like a child running back to his mother's arms, what feels familiar always feels good. But there comes a time where doing so may no longer be appropriate, and running to the right place, back to God, will require new courage, new trust and new faith. Just like how it takes a great deal of commitment and faith for an alcoholic to find his solace elsewhere, many of us probably require that same steely inner strength to turn away from old coping mechanisms to someplace new, someplace unfamiliar, but ultimately better for us in the long run.
In the face of depression or stress, can we choose to pray instead of smoke, excercise instead of binge, call a friend or journal instead of feeding on pornography?
While the stronger part of us is eternally seeking renewal and rebirth, the weaker part shall forever strive to crawl back to the past, dragging our growth down like dead weights. There is a war between spirit and flesh. Unless we consciously and doggedly refocus our efforts on what is newer but unfamiliar, we will forever stagnate. Will we not?
When you look into the mirror, do you see part old, and part new? Does it frustrate you.
I was looking into the mirror just the other day when I found myself surprised at just how much my body has changed. It is vastly different from when I was ill with anorexia 2 years ago. In fact, it is different from any other time in my life. For one, I don't ever remember myself ever having calves or thighs this muscular (in girl terms of course). I don't remember my body ever looking this way, nor my skin being so tanned ever in my life. I also don't remember my weight ever being this... high. Ever since I've started cycling, swimming and running on a regular basis, my weight has been climbing. And though I try to remember that muscle is, after all, thrice the density of fat, it is still psychologically a frightful event for a member of the female species.
Suddenly, I became afraid of and exasperated with my body. I became confused and angry with myself. On one hand, I can't thank God enough for helping me find a genuine joy in sports, find genuine friends who are real gemstones to train with and befriend, find genuine freedom in enjoying recreational sports as God-given gifts instead of being enslaved to them. On the other, the old self was seething with jealousy inside, determined to rob me of this joy, as it constantly reminded me how different and therefore ugly my new body was, and challenged to put it down.
It's too bulky. Look what roadcycling has done to your thighs. Look what long distance running has done to your calves. Look at what swimming has done to your shoulders and arms. Look at the number on the scale- you're a whisker away from being sixty kilos. Now weren't you better off in the past?
Better off? Like when I was ill, you mean?
I am learning, temptation will always be there. We will always have the choice to turn back to our old ways. I know it will only take a moment of folly, insecurity and weakness to make ruin all I've taken to come this far in recovery. It will be too easy to to revert to my old ways of self-deprivation. Running to Ed is, or rather, was my natural coping mechanism, something I was comfortable with. After all, Ed was familiar.
But I am learning, that while human beings have a natural tendency to return to the old, we don't have to, especially when we realise God promises us life afresh with Him.
Today, I received an unexpected email from a sender who made me jump in my seat. It was a well-known senior surgeon whom many of peers admire who had got wind of this space and sent me his thoughts. It got me thinking.
Dear Wai Jia,
... I've recently come across your Kitesong blog and
wanted to thank you for your courage in sharing the journey you are on... ...
The turbulent conflicts you have shared remind me
how obediently you are allowing yourself to be a new wineskin:
stretching and trustingly accomodating
even the uncomfortable bubbling up and
overflowing of the maturing new wine being poured into your life.
In the words of Keith Green,
keep on keeping your heart's wineskin 'new', 'soft' and 'oiled'!
Thank you! ....
Blessings!
J
There is a story in the bible about God telling people not to put new wine into old wineskin. (Wineskin is often made of goat's skin and was used to contain wine in the past.) This is because when new wine ferments in the old wineskin made of animal skin, it produces so much gas that it causes the old vessel to rupture, ruining both the original container and the precious new liquid.
It made me think-are we not like that too? Parts of us have matured, moved on and grown wiser. Yet, when we allow our old mindsets to continue to dwell in us and ferment, are we not creating an opportunity to hijack ourselves, to ruin ourselves completely again?
This evening, I was using my artist's eye to critically examine my body in the mirror, so surprised and also ambivalent at how different it is now when it suddenly struck me- that my newfound security in God, in myself and in my body is the new wine God has been pouring into me. And unless I throw out that old wineskin (that old familiar picture of a sickly-thin body which my old mind desired and was comfortable running back to), my new wine shall war with old wineskin till it ruptures, the precious new wine God has poured within me shall spill and all shall be lost.
Perhaps, growing is really all about trusting God to make us who we were meant to be. Trying to be in control can often be a hindrance.
I remember how I used to try to control too many things, and try to achieve too many things by myself to find some sense of security. Running longer and longer distances on my own was a form of gaining some sort of control. I was always too tired. Yet, when I learnt to let go, not only did God teach me how to cycle, He released an entire community of friends to me who gave me newfound heights of liberty, joy and peace to run, swim, cycle guiltlessly with and reach levels of achievement I never, ever would have reached myself. Last Sunday, my 2 marathon-enthusiast friends took me on a neverending trail. We ended up completing my longest distance ever, something my too-tired, too-individualistic, too-frail body would never have been able to do in the past. More importantly, it wasn't the distance we covered or the timing within which we completed it that mattered, but the company, the friendship we shared. Somehow, when we focus on what's important, God takes us further than we ever could imagine.
Instead of being fairer and lighter, training has made me darker, more muscular and heavier- attributes not nearly most girls desire. Today, on the first day of school after a one-week break, I was exasperated by some of the insensitive things which were said to me by teasing boys again. They take it as affectionate teasing, a form of unrelentless amusement, not nearly as amusing to me at times though I try to graciously laugh along. But over the week, spending time with Am has really affirmed me in many ways. Being treated like a lady and being occasionally pampered by him has been a blessing, to say the least. So I am learning, that it is my own mind which I must try to change. I must no longer hold on to the old mind of insecurity, and hope that they will someday see how unhelpful and sometimes plain mean their comments can be. For rootedness in God is unshakeable, even in the face of the most heartless of teasing. With God, I can turn the other cheek to be hit again without resentment.
I am learning, that throughout this entire process of trusting my body and mind with God, of becoming more secure in Him, and being more comfortable with who I am and not just what I do, God has been refilling me with new wine. And I must learn to embrace the new wineskin He is giving me too.
Lest I yearn for old mindsets and crave for the very thing which could destroy me.
For God also said to them, "And no one, having drunk old wine, immediately desires new; for he says, 'The old is better.'"
The old always feels more comfortable.
"God loves you Wai Jia. Don't ever allow the devil to lie to you and rob you of His faithful promises. You're a beautiful girl."
So I'm not going to be afraid to enjoy running, swimming and cycling. I'm not going to be afraid to enjoy brownie and ice-cream in the company of people I love. Sixty, is just another number.
So here's to new wine and new wineskin. Cheers.
" And no one puts new wine into old wineskins;
or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled,
and the wineskins will be ruined.
But new wine must be put into new wineskins,
and both are preserved."
- Luke 5: 37-38
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