The Art of Contentment.

" I can resist anything except temptation."

- Oscar Wilde

Perhaps, our greatest gain is not is not in gaining anything new, really, but gaining the contentment in what we already have. For the more we gain and strive to obtain, the more we shall strive for more. Perhaps, God's way of teaching us is blessing us only after we have learnt the secret art of contentment.

It is an open secret that Vanity sits pretty in the lives of most, if not all girls. There comes a phase in every girl's life where she has the desire to perm, straighten, colour her hair, and doll herself up. It's a natural phenomenon, the way spring gives way to summer. And as more and more of my friends did all these things, and I worked alongside very good-looking people, I won't deny I did not feel a little pressure to want to look as good too, whatever good means. In the past month, I very nearly coloured my hair, and very nearly did something drastic to it.

Vanity and temptation. Covetousness and pride. What dangerous, dangerous things.

I have nothing against having a treat for oneself. But I do believe that the intentions behind them are important. I knew mine came from a source of insecurity, and hence, exercised self-restraint not to hurt myself further by doing anything else to change myself. Ever since I started training and eating right again, my body has changed significantly, and I have been, like a teenager, learning to be comfortable in my new body. I am significantly heavier and (fortunately or unfortunately) more muscular, and am learning to be secure in this body and good health which God has blessed me with.

Incidentally, or perhaps, very divinely, amidst the stress of coping with Paediatrics, adapting to my new frame, struggling to fight against previous haunting comments and my self-doubt about my calling in medicine, desiring to be as "pretty" as the very good-looking people around me, and feeling generally low, I had my first skin breakout in my life around the same time.

It was terrible. Nearly everybody noticed and commented on it. I wanted to put a bag over my face and hide.

Somehow, I knew there was a lesson to be learnt somewhere. It was about learning to see what was important, and letting go what was not. It was about learning to be thankful for my new body (larger but certainly much more athletic), instead of worrying about the frightful number on the scale; It was about learning to be content with the way God has made me (big hair and heavy bottom and all), instead of wanting to look like everybody else; It was about learning to be prudent with money, instead of spending it all on myself.

Sometimes, I just imagine myself standing in front of God showing Him all my receipts from splurging out of insecurity- that is usually more than enough to keep myself in check. Other times, however, I must admit I question God and wonder why other girls could have the liberty to spend so much money on themselves, to pamper themselves without batting an eyelid, why I didn't feel free to do so for myself. Don't you know I'm vain too, God?

Here's a glimpse into my selfish, petulant conversation with God.

But I am learning, that this season is about learning to be secure and content with oneself, in spite of everything and anything around us. I have a big frame. It's just the way I'm made.

Are you insecure about something about yourself too? Are you willing you let it go?

Last Sunday at church, the message was about us being freed from the hurtful labels people had placed on us. Being someone who is frequently teased in school and inadvertently hurt at times in my insecure places, I had a lot of letting go to do. Right after I did, I felt so free. I was glad I did nothing to change my hair, and happy that I found peace.

But the story doesn't end here. As I walked out, a lady, M, stopped me and brought me to one side. "Wai Jia, I want you to know that God loves you very very much, and He wants His radiance to be on your face. I want you to come to my place at work sometime, I just want to bless you."

I had only spoken to her but once. I barely knew her, except that she was a nice lady who once gave me her namecard and said to me, "Keep up the good work and keep writing, Wai Jia."

As soon as I got home, I had a look at her website. My jaw dropped and I panicked. I knew what she meant then. M had invited me to her place, a high-end boutique providing luxury services for women. I texted her immediately, saying that I am a student, appreciated her concern for me very very much but am unable to afford such privileges."

"No worries, Wai Jia. I am fully aware of that. Just come, relax :)"

It's my study break now, so I went to visit. When I reached her shop, I stood outside for a good whole minute as I braced myself to enter the high-end boutique. It was a GUCCI of sorts, a shop in a league of its own. You know the scene in the movie Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts stands outside a shop because she can't afford anything inside? I felt just like that, only worse. I was nervous about entering. When I finally did, about ten perfectly suited Stepherd-wife women in perfectly coiffed hair were waiting at the desk, each ready and all set to serve. I blanked out, thought they would eyeball me and surely look me up and down at once, as I wondered how in the world I got there. I gulped and finally squeaked, "Is... M here?"

As she sailed out to meet me and ushered me into one of twenty rooms, hidden away in a spacious maze behind the shop, I was amazed at the numerous luxury facilities, pampering services and boutique high-end fashion items on display. She could tell I was shocked, and very, very stressed indeed. Why am I here.

As she reassured me, I went into the room, in which I was treated to the most phenomenal and relaxing facial and massage treatment. And I nearly cried as I thought about how God again made Himself faithful to me and showed me the abundance of His blessings. It was when I told Him I was willing to let this sort of lifestyle go for something deeper, simpler and more divine, that He chose to bless me with an experience I myself, or most of my peers, I suspect, would never be able to afford at this time. The treatment was worth around $200.

I was in tears. And when it was over, I asked M why. Why she would do something like this for me when she barely knew me. She only knew me through the church service where Pastor introduced Kitesong to the church.

"Because you love God so very, very much. But I always felt that something was weighing you down. I just want to bless you, Wai Jia. May His radiance shine on your face, always."

So I left in tears. My skin is so much better now, by the way.

Last night, I dreamt of myself getting a new bike. It was my dream bike. One month after the incident, I realise I'm still not quite over it. As I've decided to trust God to work things out, and to provide for me in His ways and timing, I am learning how to trust that when we follow the path of divine simplicity, we can grow so much closer to God. When we resist our worldly desires, we can sometimes unleash the power of God's abundant grace and love to us.

I am learning, God is not a scrooge. He blesses us in ways beyond our imagination. In ways that can make us cry and laugh and dance and blow our minds.

So I'm going to learn the art of gratitude, and thank Him for everything I have. Big, frizzy hair, an almost 60kilo body with very heavy legs, and a bike which is too big, but definitely worth riding, still.

Because contentment, like God's love, is oh so sweet indeed.

" Godliness with contentment is great gain."

-1 Tim 6:6