But I've met enough wealthy people, people who live in grand houses with a handful of cars, who also give generously to missions and do plenty of volunteer work and start-up projects for the underprivileged, to realise that while I may not choose that lifestyle, I have no right to place my judgement on others. It's easy to say how sinful it is to be rich. It is harder to see riches in context and to withold one's judgemental eye.
It is true, the bible says it is harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel to go through the eye of a needle. And I'll have to be honest with you, that being in the company of the extremely wealthy makes me shifty and uncomfortable. While it is not wrong to be rich, perhaps it is how material possessions have the potential to have such a strong hold over us which makes us slaves to our flesh and grieves God. Perhaps that is why every missionary doctor I have met has warned me against buying a car in Singapore. It is a hefty possession which ties you down too much, they say.
I have been in a dilemma of late. Now that my year-long dream of finally being able to own a better bike (as a gift for Christmas and my birthday) is so close to being fulfilled, it may be still, so far. Now that I have the choice of choosing, I am beginning to see how challenging this entire process may be. Roadbikes don't come cheap, and I have the choice to choose something really expensive, or something far more... modest. This hasn't been easy. For while plenty of friends are recommending me really good models (which come with prices to match), I haven't been able to imagine myself owning something so... is lavish the word?
I don't want to pretend to be modest. Now that I have choices, I would very much like that Orbea, thank you very much. But I am agonised. I almost feel terrible just imagining owning such a lavish possession. I keep wondering, why do I need something so costly, even though it is of a good quality? What would Grandpa Zhou say? How would I feel if God took my new bike away suddenly-say it got smashed, or someone stole it, or... I had to give it away? Then what? How would I react?
People keep telling me to keep my options open, that it's a worthwhile investment to make once and for all. To be fair, they say, it's not as if the money I saved from not purchasing one would go to the poor, because it is a gift. A mindblowing piece of advice I got from someone I respect was that we ought to learn how to receive blessings, too. But perhaps the soundest advice I've received, is to ask God about what He thinks, because surely it is the process which He wants me to go through that I may learn lessons from. In the end, there is no clear right or wrong answer, no black and white, only a consistent and persistent listening to God's still, small voice.
And as silly as it sounds, I will have to ask, God, what would you have me to choose?
I am afraid, of what the choice I make would turn me into, or how the choice I make may reveal the kind of person I really am inside. I don't want to be another proud biker with an (gasp) expensive vehicle to flaunt.
Many months back I had a bizarre dream. I dreamt that I was so proud of my existing bike that I brought it to a train station and parked it there for all to see. And then when I returned, everything on it was dismantled. All the accessories were stolen. Only a pathetic frame was left behind. I woke up with a very clear message in my head- that just like all our possessions, my bike belongs to God. All we have belongs to Him. They are gifts which require humility and gratitude to steward. In the dream, my bike was still there-not all of it was stolen, and I took it as a warning for me never to take God's gifts for granted, and never to boast about them.
This feels as difficult as buying a car. Or ninewest shoes, ha. Not that I've had experience in either.
All my life I've been blessed. Perhaps one of the biggest blessings is never having (or not yet, at least) that feminine desire to own branded things. It is not my personal achievement, but indeed, God's grace to me. Nonetheless, it does not mean the time will never come where I want to buy a Coach bag, though I hope the day never comes. And the hardest part would be that I would have the means to do so but would have to choose otherwise. Just as how I may have to make my choice this time.
Oh God, please don't make me buy a Polygon roadbike. (A Polygon bike may be the equivalent of Bata shoes in the local shoe context- a prudish, mainstream brand that is fairly good and reliable.)
God has always been faithful, even in the littlest and seemingly most frivilous of things. The truth is, He cares about us, even in deep and simple ways. He knows our very human needs, too, and doesn't think them too silly. I remember wanting to buy an evening dress for a flute performance at the end of the year, or for wedding dinners, because I didn't have one but I knew it would cost too much. Spending a hundred dollars for a piece of cloth you wear on a night where you try to suck in your abs to look good just doesn't make sense to me. So I waited, and waited and waited, and there was still no sale.
But lo and behold, on our last day during our Sri Lanka mission trip, when the local people took us to the department store, I found the last piece of a perfect dress which I liked tremendously, which cost no more than 30 Singapore dollars. The prices were very very affordable there even though they were from genuine hoity-toity brands because it was manufactured locally. And here comes the hilarious part, it was only when we had left and paid for the merchandise that I realised I had genuine made-in-Sri-Lanka Calvin Klein in my hands. Calvin Klein for 30 dollars. Thank you God.
I never told anyone I was looking for a dress-it's one of those silly, girly things I put at the back of my head. But God loves to bless us. And just 2 weeks later, Aunty Ay from church told me to drop by her place because she had an old evening dress to give me. I tried it on, a beautiful white silky dress with beautiful Japanese butterfly motifs. It fit perfectly, and I absolutely loved it.
And when God desires, He loves to bless doubly. Sometimes, we just need to wait.
When I was Sri Lanka, my team leader told me something very seriously, "Sometimes God witholds certain things from us because we're just not ready for them. If He gave them to us when we demanded them, we would have perfectly ruined it. Just ruined it." I knew she was talking about relationships really, but I think it applies to all the other things we ask Him for, too. I remember wanting to upgrade my bike very early on in the year, and now that I've smashed around my existing one from one too many falls while practising on it, I can completely understand how I would have ruined a perfectly brandnew bike if I had insisted on having my way without having improved on my bike-handling skills. I would have just ruined it.
Shoes. Clothes. Pedicures. Bikes. Stupid, frivolous things which always throw me into a war between my spirit and flesh. But He cares about these things, even these things, yes. And in the end, He sorts things out, but not before He sorts our hearts out.
So perhaps I ought not to worry too much. Perhaps more than anything, this is a time where God simply wants me to purify my motives, to examine my material inclinations and to wait for Him, to trust Him with my desires.
And if He so desires to bless, or to withold for my own good, then to that I must surely say...
... Yes God. Even if its a Polygon.
photo by Wai Jia
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink;
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more important than food,
and the body more important than clothes?...
Look at the birds of the air... your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. .
...
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,
will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
... your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:25-34
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