Special, because it bore witness to the long journey travelled in Recovery; Special, because it was the first race ever in my life which I took part in with a sound mind and healthy body; Special, because it was like a present from God, and His sweet reward to me. It felt like honey on a bitter tongue, the burst of a juicy pear in one's mouth.
For some reason, during the time I was ill, I never thought The Professional People would let me run again. My knee and hip joints had worn out, my chest muscles hurt from inflammation. But they did. During the time I was ill, I never thought my family would understand, or would try to understand because of the fortresses which had been built up over the years, the gap which lay between generations. But through therapy and a lot of their love and sacrifice, they did. During the time I was ill, I thought I might never make it through to the next year. But I did- and I'm in hospital learning about operations and doing stitches in the Operating Theatre.
The more I let go of my diseased sense of control and allowed The Professional People to help instead of insisting on recovering on my own in my way, the more control they returned to me to make sound choices about food and exercise; The more I ate, the better my metabolism became and the healthier my weight gain was, giving me radiance instead of lethargy; The more I relaxed and allowed God to take over, the more efficient and involved I became.
Such are the Paradoxes of Recovery.
But one thing I know for sure, that Life is like a run through an unknown city of twists and turnings, and we destroy ourselves, worrying ourselves silly about finishing the race on time exactly the way we want it. The truth is, we'll never know when our legs will give up on us, when the next stitch or cramp will attack us, when our breathing will become too laborious- our bodies, minds and spirits are all in God's hands and timing.
Perhaps it is when we stop worrying about how we'll fare for the race and focus on the now that we'll make it till the end. It is when we take one step at a time, and simply take each step trusting God for our futures, that our race becomes easy, enjoyable.
My legs stayed faithful to me through most of the run. At some point, however, I felt a tangible heaviness in my chest on discovering my legs had turned to lead. The ton of bricks in each of my feet came as an unexpected surprise. Every step then became a conscious effort, a decision, a deliberate action of faith. There was still a long way to go, and the distance became discouraging, even. A passing thought flit in- would it be okay if I just stopped for a little while?
But I understood that moment. It was filled with immense Power. At that moment, I had the choice to stop or to continue.
It is like walking through life with God- at any point, when the going gets tough, we have the choice to continue or stop. Yet, by making the decision to put one foot in front of the other, in quiet trust in His faithfulness to take us through to the end, we can develop an attitude of humility and faith by realising just how vulnerable and yet determined we really can be.
And the best thing was, Ed wasn't with me. Swift and tender, fast and light, heavy and slow, and plodding till the very end, overcoming a thousand battles with every step, not out of insecurity, pride or fear, but because of trust, and faith and humility.
Through it all, Ed wasn't with me- I was running for the pure, decadent love of it, not because Ed likes running; I put one foot in front of the other for the healthy growth of my mental strength, not because Ed was pushing me to; I ran and I lived and I lapped up every bit of it (even the hard, miserable bits) because I felt such a profound release to know what it means to Run Free and Run Well, what it means to start eating, moving, trusting, loving and living without Ed.
It was a Special run through the city, underneath a blue sky speckled with white, white clouds.
" Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air..."
-1 Cor 9:26
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith..."
- 2 Timothy 4:7
No comments:
Post a Comment