When you truly understand a condition because you've been through it yourself, spotting the signs in others becomes easier and easier. Today on campus, within a span of 3 hours, I saw four people suffering from what I used to- anorexia.
Three hours. Four people.
One was so thin I turned around to watch her walk away because my heart was wrenched. I stood there, rooted, overwhelmed. The pressure built up behind my eyes. It hurt me in a real way, because I understood.
On my way to the Dove headquarters, I sat down on a bench to round up some homework. I looked up, and there in front of me, I saw you, thin. I understood. I didn't even know you. I wanted to get on my way. And then I remembered about our loving people the way God loves us, the way we need to Stop for every one. I was crazy enough to go up to you to introduce myself. Of all the Encounters I have had, I had the most difficulty with this one, because I understood and I was anxious of the reaction I might face.
"Hello, " I smiled my Nice smile. "I know you think Im probably crazy, and I don't mean to imply anything but hi, I'm a second-year medical student... I'm well, yea, I suffered from depression last year and lost a lot of weight."
By this point, your eyebrows were raised, you were frowning a little and I could see anxiety and shock and bewilderment all over your face. I was very worried. When my own best friends had confronted me about my rapid and slippery weight loss, I was in denial and very, very hostile. I had to stop for a while to think, and the silence was very awkward, but I continued. Come on Wai Jia. You can do this. With a sincere heart, surely Love will not fail you. Love will beget love. I shared my life story in 5 minutes, told you about my past depression and counselling experience, my anorexia and recovery, told you about the support group I attend at SGH, and gave you my blog address.
I was getting really worried. God, sincere love never fails, right? Please God help me. My last words were, "I just wanted to come over to tell you that I understand. And that you’re not alone. I know you think I’m probably crazy, but I just want you to know God loves you and that you’re not alone.” At the end of my stuttering, silly monologue, she looked at my blog address and smiled.
"This is familiar. Kitesong. You were on the papers right?" she said.
I laughed. She actually knows me?! Thank you God! She doesn't think I'm crazy! Sincere love never fails.
She said, “Actually, after my therapy I recovered. This is my first relapse. Your story… it’s very inspiring.”
I melted. Sincere Love never fails. Why was I even afraid in the first place?
I had never been to an office quite like Dove’s before. It was large, spacious, very modern and pulsating with life and energy. Bright colours, advertisements with beautiful people on their walls, free ice-cream for all staff and a bubbling sense of creativity and vibrance oozed from every corner. This was DOVE. Sharp, cutting-edge, big multi-national company Dove with their Global Campaign for Real Beauty.
Armed with my paintings of my book-to-be, I felt very small. I was wearing a sundress today because I felt like it. And I felt very, very small. Like a very, very little girl in a little-girl's girly sundress.
The lady from Singhealth, A, came along too. There were four of us. A, myself and the two brand managers from Dove.
“Okay, “ they said. “Tell us.” The trio looked at me.
I was very calm. I felt very small, but I wasn’t afraid. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, I remembered from the bible.
I told them my idea of using the book to raise funds and awareness of people with eating disorders, I told them my hope to use this to reach out to school children, told them I liked their Bodytalk programme, which targets Secondary 2 school children and teaches them about positive body and mental health, and about eating disorders. I told them about how I had spoken to SGH, and how I thought the three of us, SGH, Dove and myself should synergise our efforts to work something out. I told them what my publisher thought. I told them everything I felt, sincerely, in my little-girl sundress and my Grown-Up Voice.
“ I liked your first book very much, tell us how you went about doing that.”
I was very calm. And Very Grown Up even though in reality, I was just a little-girl in a white and pink sundress in a huge and busy office talking to Important People who were working on a Regional Campaign, part of a global multi-national company.
I remembered Kitesong, and then I didn’t feel so small anymore. Not because I thought I was great, but I thought, God made the impossible possible for me and the children in Nepal. He did.
A took the train with me after we left Doves office. She looked at me and said, “You are a very, very strong young lady.” And I laughed, because only I knew how weak I was during the times where I was going through the depression and self-destruction. Even now, I am always having moments where I need minutes to myself in a day just to cry. She took me aside and told me many things, and when I got home, I started to cry. Again.
In that room, I was so strong, she said. I was so Grown-Up and Steady I scared myself.
In a few months, I think I have grown up. And I never would have imagined myself having the audacity to call up Singhealth, SGH and Dove to tell them about a Silly idea that I had. But the Singhealth lady said it would work. SGH said it would work. My publisher said it would work. Now I’m waiting for Dove. So I was crying because I realize this is what it means to grow up- to just believe with all your heart in what you believe in, trust in the calling that God has called you to, and in the midst of uncertainty and doubt, to just be patient, just wait and just have faith. I was crying because I know if my ex-college friends had heard me in that room with that Grown-Up Voice, they would not have been surprised because I spoke and acted that way when I was vice-president of the students’ council, when I was over-achieving and selfish and self-sufficient. But now I see so clearly I wasn’t grown up then, even though I had seemed like it. I wasn;t grown up at all. Then, I was insecure, needy, controlling and desperate to be validated. But in that room today, I didn’t care. I was who I was, and if they didn’t buy it, God would help me find another way to use this book because Sincere Love never fails.
“I like this book idea,” the Dove-man said. “I like it. I need to set up a meeting with the people on our side and I’ll email you after. We’ll see how things work out.”
We’ll see how things work out.
"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart, and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
- 1 Timothy 1: 5
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