Being Happy.

“ You should have got Best Actress, Wai Jia. That’s what people are saying, I hope you know that. But it’s an intra-faculty play competition and they have to divide the prizes equally across the levels.”

It’s funny. After the performance, as I left that stage, left that part of me which was true, there, I told God that I was thankful for that performance. Out of all our rehearsals, my final performance was my best shot, and that was all that mattered, that I gave it my best shot. There was such a deep sense of peace.

Random people came up to me today to tell me how much they felt for my character, people whose names I never even knew. That was my best moment. That was enough.

What may have been even more beautiful was that after the performance, after I had done my best, I felt validated already- by knowing that through it all, God was with me. He gave me this opportunity to release my Story this way, gave me the strength to do so. I felt adequate, sufficient, without needing anyone to commend me. I prayed to do my best, and I did, and there was an indescribable peace from within. I left early, didn't even stay for the prize ceremony at the end, because I had no expectation, and there was a deep peace welling up inside.

Two years ago when we moved houses, my father asked me what we would do with the twenty over trophies, plaques and awards I had accumulated over the years- art competitions, calligraphy competitions, school awards… My parents displayed them in the living room, and were prepared to pack them into boxes to move into the new house. Holding up my first trophy in her hands, my mother said, “You got this when you were five, remember? Don’t you want to take a picture with all of them- to remember all your achievements?”

“No,” I said. It was a final and firm no. “We’ll throw them all away,” I said, “Throw them all away.”

We kept not a single one from the old house. Trophies, prizes, awards can be dangerous things. And sometimes, it is their absence that makes us True-er to our hearts. Re-reading newspaper articles or material about your achievements is dangerous, very. So in some strange, peaceful way, when I didn’t win, I felt… more settled, almost as if it was more fitting, more appropriate. To know that I had delivered my Story in its true spirit, in a way that had evoked people, touched hearts, in a way that had elicited the sense of injustice in people for me- that was enough, more than enough. It is more beautiful this way, in some strange way it sits better, that I gave something true for nothing tangible in return.

It is like missionary work, isn’t it?

But I’m hardly that noble. Of course there have been moments where I regret not keeping those medals, those objects of achievements. And I’m sure of moments in the days to come where momentary pangs of sourness may challenge my peace and resolve in not being validated by a prize for this performance. But it is like being trained for missionary work, isn’t it- to give your all without being awarded, recognized, and to find complete satisfaction and adequacy in your own spirit, that spirit of doing your best. Thousands of nameless saints work among the poor, selflessly, wholeheartedly, without any form of tangible reward, any recognition.

I’m hardly that noble, but I am learning.

I quit being in the executive committee of the Medical Society, quit being put in a place which made me vulnerable to seeking validation from other people, or awards, or prizes. I remember we organized a Charity Run last year, but I enjoyed it far less than doing Kitesong, mainly because there were so many people to please, so much validation that the Medical Society was needy for. Ten thousand dollars to raise, guest-of-honours to please, right things to say, decorum, standard procedures… Too many things that digressed from the spirit of the event, which was essentially, to spread love.

People like us, perfectionists, try too hard to please everybody else. Sometimes, maybe, we just need space to be ourselves, to be happy with who we are. To do things because we love doing them, with no tangible returns. We write because we like to, we paint because we feel like doing so, we act because we love performing. We love because we love God, because we love to love. That is all.

Sometimes, maybe we just need to do things that have no return. It is a deeper blessing, more beautiful this way, so we learn humility before getting stumbled by pride. I need to learn how to deal with not being awarded, rewarded, validated by others, need to learn how to stop being so needy. So in many ways, I felt the radiance of God’s love when I heard the news. I felt like for once, I am learning what it means to be validated by my own spirit, by God’s love.

“I hope you’re happy, Wai Jia. Because you put up a great show. I just wanted to say I thought you deserved the award, that’s all.”

It is simpler, more beautiful this way. I am happy.