Every morning at the hospital, my clinical group meets up with Dr. L no later than 7.15am for a tutorial. He teaches us about strokes, fits, headaches, dementia and the like, while weaving in stories of life, and imparting wholesome core values to us. Being an intense man, he does not tolerate mediocrity. A couple of days ago, I had arrived 3 minutes late for his morning tutorial and made a point the next day to reach the hospital on time, if not early.
He doesn't tolerate mediocrity. He expects everyone to give their best. "I treat you as who I think you will become- a giant. Not what you are now. If I don't believe in my students, who will?"
That morning, I scrambled. I brushed my teeth while preparing breakfast and wore my ear-rings on the way out. If the journey went smoothly, I would be a few minutes early. I heaved a sigh of relief.
Then, an elderly lady plopped herself next to me on the train carriage. She asked me in mandarin whether I knew the shuttle service at the train station had started its ferrying service to the hospital at 7am in the morning. I was reading my neurology handbook and was slightly irritated by the interruption.
“Shuttle service? What shuttle service? You don’t need a shuttle bus to go to this hospital.”
“Yes, I do, I think I do…”
“No no, auntie, I will walk you there. It is very near. Its right at our doorstep.”
As we walked out of the train, I found myself worried that I would be late. The decision to walk with her would definitely slow me down. Have patience, Wai Jia, I told myself. God'll send you there on time, don't worry.
Trying to be polite, I asked, “Auntie, how do I address you?”
“I live in Hougang.” She said.
“No, no, I asked what your name is.”
“Oh ya, I’m going to the hospital.”
I then realized she was almost deaf. Two huge growths grew from each of her ears like cauliflowers. Almost late, I was exasperated by now, and desperate to call my friend to ask him to tell Dr. L I would be late. He didn’t pick the phone up.
As we walked out of the underground tunnel, I was becoming more anxious. I’m going to be late, again. I was irritated, but walked her up. Amazed at my impatience, I pondered about how the busyness of medical school has changed me, and the irony of it all- how we study so hard for the sake of our patients, only to end up being irritated when they need directions to the hospital to see us in the first place. My neurology handbook was still clasped tightly in my hand.
“Here, see. It’s so near. We’re here already.” I wanted to bid her goodbye.
“No, no. It’s not this building. I have to take the shuttle bus.”
My heart sank like a dead bird within me. Not this building? Shuttle bus?
I stopped another doctor rushing to work, who thankfully stopped to help, and gave us directions. It was then that I realized, that there was another wing to this hospital I had not known of, and yes, there indeed was a shuttle bus, but on the other side of a shopping mall across the road.
“Auntie, you’ve to go through this mall to reach the bus, okay?”
“Through the mall? Oh, I’ve never been to that mall!”
“It's easy, just cross this road at this traffic light, walk across the mall and you’ll be there, okay?”
“I’ve never been to that mall.”
“Its just right here, across the road. See?”
I wanted to walk with her. But I was already late, and I could not get through to any of my friends on the phone. “Auntie, I’ve to go. Cross the road, and cut through the mall, okay?”
I left. And then, never felt so selfish and wretched in a long time.
I arrived on time, plopped myself on the chair and shared my little encounter with the elderly lady this morning with my friends and sighed. I felt terrible. I couldn’t believe I left her at the traffic light just so I could be on time. Yet, a part of me was relieved, and ashamed of being so, because I knew that following her through to her destination would take me the whole half hour. By then, the tutorial would've been almost over. I then thought: If that person were God, I think I would have accompanied her.
I arrived just a minute before Dr. L. The tutorial was about dementia.
Dr. L said, “When you interview your patient, ask them if they ever got lost outside, and if they had to have a Good Samaritan bring them home before.” He shared that even in the midst of our studying, we must remember, “that the most important thing, is to be kind at all times.”
That was a stab in my heart.
Just after the tutorial ended, my friend S came up to me, and said, “See Wai Jia. You were that Good Samaritan this morning! So don’t feel bad.”
I was horrifed. “What good Samaritan?! I left that old lady at the traffic light!! I wonder if she found her bus... it might have been too early for the bus service to start, no? Dr. L talked about being kind… I don’t know what got into me this morning… ”
I wondered where my compassion went.
S was more practical. " You can't make everyone happy, Wai Jia. As a doctor or doctor-to-be, you have to understand that you need to take care of yourself too."
I wish I had the perfect answer to everything. But the fact is, I don’t.
I wondered if it was coincidence that the prayer story for that night read:
" When we find ourselves in circumstances that are beyond our control, frustrated from our lack of effectiveness, we can know with certainty that we are to realise our weakness and rely on His strength. God often places us in situations in which we are over our heads- even letting us fail miserably, sometimes- in order to teach us this. He must break us of self-reliance." - Chris Tiegreen
Perhaps, the greatest lesson I learnt was this: that in time to come, we will face more situations where we will be torn between our sense of duty and our limitations. It is then where we need to stop, not necessarily to beat ourselves up, but to realise that we are limited, that God is, on the other hand, infinite. And then humble ourselves to realise that no matter how wretched a decision we made, there is still something to learn from every experience.
I suppose, there isn't a model answer regarding what should've been done, and how far I should've gone.
But I've learnt, at least, that it doesn't hurt to leave home earlier for work, so we leave room for a little kindness alone the way.
"Let all find compassion in you."
-St John of the Cross
"I realized that the Spirit magnifies each little kindness
so that people receive the bounty of the God,
which is enormous.
As the little boy's offering of bread and fish fed five thousand,
so God takes whatever we offer from the heart and uses it to feed many.
Let us always offer even what seems small to us,
for in so doing we show trust
in our great and limitless God. "
- Elaine Richardson
- Elaine Richardson
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