It's been 6 weeks. I want to talk about it.
People have been concerned. Are you okay? Have you been coping? Are you depressed?
Yes. Yes. No.
They were worried because they knew a large part of my life would be gone. They were concerned because they knew it was important to me.
Yesterday, at my followup appointment, the doctor took an X-ray for me. "From your persistent symptoms, I think you may have a stress fracture. You need an X-ray."
"I thought you said it wasn't necessary. Anyway, if it really is a hairline fracture like you said, we won't be able to pick it up on the X-ray."
"Yes. But if we can, it's probably serious then."
To my juniors doing Emergency Medicine and Orthopedics at the moment, please spot the pathology:
To be fair to you, this isn't a very good photo, but there is an obvious fracture on the left inferior ramus of the pelvis and a callus formed around it.
"No running at all for the next 3 months. No racing for the next 9 months.You can start biking on the roads, maybe in July."
"9 months? That's like, next year."
"Yes. It's always best to recover fully before starting out again."
I'd to trust him. He's Ben Tan after all, Singapore's most renowned sports doctor. He himself is a triathlete, an ASEAN gold-medallist and boasts a sub 3-hour marathon timing.
"How did it happen?"
"It's accummulative."
"But I wasn't even training a lot."
"Everybody's threshold is different. This fracture is common in female athletes."
Apparently, it wasn't only my gracilis muscle which was torn. All the other muscles around it including the adductor magnus and 2 hamstrings were torn, too. The adductor magnus tugged so hard at the pelvic bone that a part of it got fractured.
Some friends have been worried about how I am taking the news. Can you walk? Does it hurt when you walk? Are you okay?
Yes. Sometimes. Yes.
It's very strange how an incident which ought to have devastated me has been one I am most grateful for. God taught me much through this, and I am still learning much now.
Perhaps the greatest lesson I've learnt is not to strive by myself, but to trust more in God. I am amazed by how my injury parallels that of a man named Jacob in the bible. Jacob loved God a lot, but he often relied on himself to get God's work done. One day, an angel wrestled with him and injured his hip and sinew, as it was God's way of getting his attention, to humble and teach him. After that incident, Jacob was forever changed.
Isn't that just like what He did to me?
Like Jacob, who walked with a limp after an angel touched his hip and caused his sinew to shrink, I feel like I have gone through a spiritual experience as well.
This incident has changed me, and I'm thankful. It has taught me self-control. If I hadn't injured myself that day, I believe it would have happened later. It is just like me to want to be valedictorian in everything (a terrible trait, indeed)- if given the task of cleaning windows I think I would have cleaned them so I could be Valedictorian of the Window Cleaning Association. If I did not injure myself, I think my studies would have suffered- because I would try to be good at both, and fail. Dr. L did warn me.
In Mandarin, there's a saying- yi xn bu neng er yong.
It literally means, you can't use one heart for two things. Metaphorically. it means one must be wholehearted and devoted to only one thing at a time. If not, the heart becomes divided. This season, I want to dedicate myself to being a good doctor. I am in my final year, it is the final lap.
I do think about that fateful day often- it runs in my mind like a bad video. If I had been wholehearted about my work and gone back to the hospital that Sunday, this may not have happened. Nonetheless, there is a peace about this all. There is beauty in knowing that this may be God's way of chastening me. And His love for me grants me profound relief.
People have been worried for me, that I may blame, question or suspect God. But they have instead come up to me telling me how encouraged and downright surprised they are at my response. It's hard not be grateful, because deep down inside, I know God has a reason, and his plan is always good and best.
Because of my injury. I have learnt to rest. Because of it, I have learnt to be humble and patient. Because of it, I have had the chance to sort out my work and refresh myself in my studies. It has done me a whole lot of good.
But perhaps what I'm secretly most joyful about and relieved for, is knowing that God has used this for good.
You know, I always doubted myself when I was training. A Taste of Rainbow, a book birthed from my recovery from my illness, was getting published, and I often wondered if triathlon training was merely a facade I hid behind to mask the old fears and hang-ups I had about my weight, and self-esteem. How long could I keep up with it? Had I "recovered" only because I had found a new crutch to lean on? Was I eating well only because I was doing so much sports?
Training to that extent was becoming unrealistic, and I did not want to know that that was my new master. I did not want to be enslaved to a new regime that I would be emotionally and physically bound to. In Hiding from Love, John Townsend writes of how many of us use "legitimate" activities to fill the holes in our lives. Unlike alcohol or smoking which are obviously bad, many of us use work, sports, charitable acts etc to fill the empty spaces we have inside.
It's true. I find I can almost always swim, bike or run indefinitely when I'm having a bad day.
But being injured and at peace with my injury made me realise, how God has set me free. Seeing how uncannily similar my injury is to Jacob's, and how uncannily similar the lessons to be learnt are, I find myself at peace with this pain. Though I miss running, I am also refreshed by my new lifestyle. I am fine with training, and with not training; I can rejoice in plenty, and rejoice in want.
This for me, has been incredibly liberating. I can finally stop doubting myself. I have recovered from my illness. I can be sure of that when A Taste of Rainbow gets published. I am convinced.
Knowing that nobody will bug me to compete in any more races this year as I take on my final exams has also been a source of relief. For now, I am estatic to return to my book writing and publishing, my missionary book-reading, my studies, photography, Sunday-school teaching and poetry. Suddenly my mind has been freed up to pursue other things. Some days are harder than others, especially when I long for a long run, but I am mostly happy.
Training for triathlons was a season in my life. There were many precious life and spiritual lessons I learnt from racing, many lessons about Faith. That season has now ended. And I'm ready to let it go, revisit it when and if God permits. I want to move on. Exciting things await.
I remember Pastor's last words to me a week before my race, a day before my injury, "Wai Jia, just finish the race." There was a twinkle in his eye, of genuine love.
I still think about what he said. Finish the race.
I now see, it is a different sort of race. I learnt, that nothing can bring us down when we count it all joy when we fall into various trials, because overcoming our setbacks produces patience, endurance and character, which are needed for us to complete the real race in life, the spiritual marathon of faith, that we have been called to finish. There will be times of grief to overcome, but God's grace will be enough.
To all my friends, who've poured out your concern, love and support on me, I appreciate it very much. You've made this journey bearable and memorable in every way.
The fracture will take a long while to heal, but it will.
" In this you greatly rejoice,
though now for a little while... you have been grieved by various trials...
- 1Peter 1:6
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations,
knowing that tribulation produces perseverence;
and perseverence, character,
and character, hope."
- Romans 5:3-4
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