I realised that your mistakes can break your hip, but God won't let them break your spirit.
I realised that good friends are those who can love you 14 kilos up and down, and still say you look like a bomb any day, because they see you for who you are inside, and who you could become, not who you are now, and how you look on your worst or best day.
I realised how important it is not to succumb to external pressure, how important it is to say, NO THANK YOU. I appreciate your advice, but I have my own way of doing things. It's okay to say that sometimes.
I realised that putting on weight has its benefits- it gives you free boobs.
I realised that God can use our illnesses and circumstance to teach us lots about ourselves.
I realised, I'm a sucker for intensity and addictions-I know I get a high from sucking the marrow out of any aspect of life, be it in my studies, art, sport or adventures. But this is certainly a lesson I will remember for life. I realised that as much as I value discipline, I need to have the discipline to draw lines, say no, know when to Stop.
I realised this injury was a big blessing in disguise. It gave me time to reflect upon the furious plunge into sports over the past year, it gave me space to think through and consolidate my thoughts, it gave me fresh insights and new revelations into my motivations, and purified them.
I realised that truly, this was the perfect time to sustain an injury- during my final year before my exams so I could finally settle down and focus, instead of spreading myself so thinly. The time I spent away from the road and on my books was very valuable, and helped me establish my confidence and focus in the wards again. I realised God has indeed been merciful.
I realised that God loves us so much that He sometimes waits to heal us (even though He could do it in a jiffy) because we take time to learn certain lessons. I realised that more than sacrifice or swears or vows, He treasures a surrendered heart that says, okay, I can do with or without.
All these revelations were revealed to be little by little over the past 4 months, and consolidated over the past week.
So I suppose it was apt timing when Dr. Ben Tan showed me my X-ray and said, "You can start running now," I knew it was because God had finally got his lessons through that thick skull of mine.
For my medicine juniors- spot the pathology! (and note the scoliosis!)
"But I need you to stick to the programme I give you. Go slow, because this sort of injury is notorious for relapse. I need you to continue with physiotherapy, with your vitamin D and calcium and... I need you to change your bike saddle. No racing till after your finals. "
And I realised God wanted me to remember for life, the consequences of relying on a selfish, self-striving spirit the way Jacob did, because the next time my hamstrings and bone snap because of my self-sufficiency or greed, it could mean surgery.
"I think you can try a run today."
I was apprehensive, but all through the run, there was no pain, even though I was still experiencing pain a week back. Because of all the core work, pilates stretching, and myofascial release we had done during the period of rest to realign my muscles and bones, I was running with a far better posture than I ever did before. I used to run with a very unstable pelvic swagger, and a really bad forward tilt, as if there were weights tied to my neck. Now, I was running "as if there's a medal on your chest", as M would have said. I then realised, God puts rest in our lives sometimes to rebuild our core, to re-establish broken foundations, to realign our intents and purposes, thoughts and dreams.
"Your pain is there because of disuse, so we need to rehabilitate you. You've got to step up slowly. I think you need to wait a little more before you start biking again, but meanwhile, please start running. You need to."
I realised, sometimes God wants us to spend a little more time sorting ourselves out, because a period of fasting from our indulgences can be essential to spiritual progress. Today is Day 50 of my bike fast.
I realised, our sufferings never, ever go to waste. But sometimes, with a bit of common sense, we can certainly spare ourselves the heartache.
And I realised, what real friends truly mean. They can love you 14 kilos up and down, and walk you through every difficult step along the way. They don't dump you just because you don't can't do sports the way you used to. They don't rub salt into wound. They don't pressure you to return to what caused you to stumble at the expense of your recovery.
They encourage you when you feel like giving up, visit you when you're down, and patiently await your return- the way our King awaits our return Home, the way the father awaited his prodigal son's return.
The past 4 months of rest have been incredibly fruitful and fulfilling, in a different sense. I'm not sure if I would go to the extent to say that I wouldn't have changed anything had I the chance to live that fateful day of injury again, but I know for sure, the lessons learnt from this have been precious.
"You need to continue doing all the stretches and rehab work I've taught you, okay?" said my physiotherapist. She's a marathoner, swimmer and a pilates instructor as well. "You see, the human body is so exquisite, it needs to be in a constant state of BALANCE. That's why I don't just run, or swim, or cycle. Take a little bit from the best of everything and you'll stay injury-free, okay?"
I realised, the most important lesson I learnt, was balance. How to balance my work and play, sport and health, calling and duty, friends and family. My injury was primarily due to a muscle imbalance. It is most commonly sustained when the quadriceps is more than 60% stronger than the hamstrings.
It's all about poising yourself on the straight and narrow path, I suppose.
I've still a long way ahead to recovery, but it certainly felt good to run again, even if it was only for a short while.
Thank you God.
J, me and T stealing a shot before sitting for our paediatrics paper-
Love you two to the sky and back :)
"He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds...
...His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;
God delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.
-Psalm 147:3, 10, 11
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