Have you ever watched butterfly-lovers flitting against a piece of blue sky on a crisp sunshine day? The fragile glass-winged creatures whisper in the wind before they disappear so completely into nothing. If you try to touch or chase them, they disappear even faster.
They say happiness is like that- elusive, especially so when chased. What makes you happy? Things, people, work? Or a combination of them all.
I thought it was hilarious when I was assigned to teach my Sunday school class of 7 and 8-year olds about the subject of being thankful, just as I was struggling with it. Somehow, I knew God's lesson to me about my bike wasn't over just yet. How I find myself being comforted, inspired and nourished by the very lessons I am assigned to teach. "Be joyful always, pray continually, and in everything give thanks..."- 1 Thess 5;16-18a. That was yesterday's lesson.
As I taught my kids about thankfulness through role-playing, and sharing my personal anecdotes on previous mission trips, I felt a part of my heart, which had been shifted out of its original place, being settled back into where it belonged.
"Children. What does it mean to 'be joyful always, to pray continually'? This is very hard to understand, can someone explain to Jiejie Wai Jia?"
"IT MEANS BE HAPPY! ALL THE TIME!"
"IT MEANS PRAYING AGAIN AND AGAIN!!"
"... Hm... But Jiejie Wai Jia, when Mummy scolds me, DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO BE HAPPY TOO?"
"No dear, God gives us feelings and it's not wrong to be sad. But after feeling sad and telling God about it, and after making our corrections... we can be happy again yes? Okay, children, I need a volunteer." Hands shot up. I picked little Tim.
" Imagine Tim here is a poor, scrawny boy who lives in a mudhouse and has no clothes to wear okay? And one day, a little angel sends him something." I make Tim close his eyes while another child pretends to be an angel, flapping its wings, and takes an old shirt from me and presents it to him.
Tim plays his role very well and appears very happy to receive it.
I repeat the scenario with different children, with each child, however, getting a nicer and nicer shirt each time. I come back to Tim and asks him how he feels about his faded, oversized T-shirt.
"A bit jealous," he says candidly, "Now, not as happy." And understandably so.
Don't you sometimes look at butterflies and wonder why they're so far away? Why is it that other people seem so close to them, and have what you want? What makes you happy.
Even as I was preparing for the lesson all week, the whole incident regarding Alisha, the cheque and my bike kept flashing in my head over and over. I realised, that God was teaching me the lesson in such a profoundly personal way so that I could deliver that message to the children, too.
Being in my Opthalomology module now has opened my eyes to many things I wish I didn't have to see. It is well-known that opthalmologists are a different breed of doctors altogether- Rich, is taken to a different level altogether. And many aren't afraid to show it. I realised, that I too, could become like one of them. I could buy more and more expensive things, and still want more. I could justify my expenses with all my hard work. I could marry an opthalmologist. I could earn a lot of money and be too comfortable where I am to do medical missions in a developing country.
There is something in this department which scares me. I could work and buy, buy and show, and never be happy.
Or I could learn to live on less, way below my means, and learn the priceless gift of thankfulness.
Perhaps the key to being joyful always, is truly to be able to give thanks for all things.
On Saturday, the day before I taught the lesson on thankfulness, a friend pulled me along to shop for a brand-new bike with him. We were in this branded store, with him putting his eye on the latest fashion and myself being surrounded with all the road-bikes which would have served my every desire just a few months ago.
Suddenly, just standing there, I suddenly realised, that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, in that shop which I wanted. That very morning, I had gone for my usual cycling training with my training group, with their expensive roadbikes and all, and had thoroughly enjoyed it. Determined to be content, I had willed joyfulness into existence, even with my present bike. Suddenly, in that shop, surrounded by objects of desire, I realised, that truly, without them (perhaps even precisely without them), I was at peace and happy.
I don't know if my journey with my bike had any bearing on God's unfolding of plans, but that Saturday night, during a medical missions fundraising dinner, I made an appeal for Alisha. A man came up to me to give a thousand-dollar note. Another thousand came in today. We collected five hundred dollars from all the students there.
And finally, I met a doctor who linked me up via email with a woman who owns a Trust to help needy patients. It was only last night that I realised that by divine appointment, she had sat next to me during the fundraising dinner where Kitesong was featured, and we had had coffee together just weeks ago. "I will be happy to help. Will also sort out the post cochlear arrangements with you before committing as this will be very important to ensure the success of the implant."
Money. Perhaps, how it makes us happy really depends on how we use it, and on whom we use it on. Whether we fold them into paper butterflies to be taken by the wind, or used to bless someone else. I am learning, that the things which satisfy come for free.
They are also often invisible to the naked eye.
Opthalmology will bring good money. A few of my friends say I could be very good at it because of how much fine work eye surgery demands. I am attracted to it because unlike O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology), it will give me time and space to write, paint and continue teaching children. But I am afraid- of who it might make me become. Unlike my teacher Mr. Ho who has infinite faith in my moral strength, I am not sure if I am capable of holding my ground. There is something about the seeming ostentatiousness about the specialty which disturbs me at the moment. (But I must add a disclaimer, that this is a stereotyped generalisation.) I am afraid of wanting what I see, and becoming who I did not intend to be. I have to keep reminding myself, that while my eyes are opened to endless possibilties of worldly riches here, what is truly important is what the eye cannot see. God, what do you want me to do with my life?
At the end of my Sunday school lesson, I shared with the children Alisha's outcome and how God had provided people- people like you, to help and love her. The children remembered her story.
And then came the question -again- which surprised me in such a profound way. "Jiejie Wai Jia, so do you have your bike now?" 2 weeks ago, another child had just asked me that, and I had to muster enough strength before answering it.
This time, my answer came with much ease.
"No dear. I don't. But I'm happy. I truly, truly am. Jiejie Wai Jia has learnt to be thankful for whatever she has. Some children don't even have bicycles, right? Why should I complain?"
It was at this point that little Tim raised his hand and said, "Ya, Jiejie Wai Jia, I don't have a bicycle too!"
"Come children, read with me our verse for today before we end our lesson,
' Be joyful always, pray continually,
and in everything, give thanks.' "
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