You're burning down, a cindering matchstick smoking into ashes, an embarrassingly extravagant display burning, burning down in shame and agony.
It's a very real phase of Recovery, having to journey through twists and turns. You've been making good progress, but when an Incident breaks out, again, unexpectedly, it can leave you so utterly discouraged and hopeless. The worst part is, the most serious triggers come so unexpectedly, and they're caused by the most well-meaning of people who don't or are unable to understand the illness, and yet demand you explain your absolute helplessness to them.
You've been struggling so hard yourself to accept that it is an Illness, and not some profane bout of insanity. But they're demanding you to explain yourself- and I'm reminded of what the doctors told me, "Tell them you can't tell someone with pneumonia to stop coughing. It's an illness- just like pneumonia."
Perhaps what makes it so hard in its own way is how This is not like pneumonia, or an amputation, or cancer- you don't have a purulent cough, a missing limb or hair loss to suggest you are suffering from a medical ailment, and that you need rest and sensitivity to what you're going through.
The thing I've learnt about Recovery is how much support one actually requires. I kept thinking I could do this on my own, with help from the Professional People, but little did I realise how pertinent and necessary support from one's loved ones is. The challenge is, this takes a lot of trial and error because not everyone understands. But we hold on, and I've been blessed to have loved ones who try so hard to support, help and love me, and I celebrate in gratitude the little victories which do come our way.
While I watched the tree burning down into charcoal ash, I heard the dark voice of death beckon by the roadside. It grew stronger and stronger and it was seductive. There were speeding cars and bright headlights at midnight, and the voice sounded hypnotically familiar. For a brief moment, it wrapped around me and called me by name, and I was emboldened by a dark voice to do the unthinkable- the unthinkably stupid.
If I had not known God, my life would have been over. It would have been the third time- that was how bad it was. One moment's darkness and folly is all it takes.
But the more we know God, the more these thoughts and seductions become ludicrous, incredulous, and we reject them, though they are very, very real and within our reach. Our lives have been bought with the price God paid for us. They are not our own possessions to take.
As I lay my head on your shoulder at church, with tears streaming down my cheeks, from my eyes swollen from crying the previous night, I asked you softly and in desperation if I would ever get better. You said yes. Yes, because God heals, because He does miracles. I've already come this far, and I believed you, even though I was crying, still, because He's done miracles for me before, is in the process of doing a miracle even now.
That night, as I dragged my tired feet home, away from the glare of the harsh streetlights and honking night racers, and lay my head on God's word, I imagined how it seemed as if I had reached the end of a dark, dark tunnel. I knew where to go- it was forwards. But it seemed as if I had hit a wall, that there were no more places to go and that Ed was winning.
Have you ever felt like you'd hit a wall too? As if you knew where to go, but that you could no longer move forward because you'd hit a dead-end?
It can be difficult to trust in what we cannot see, especially when we can't see a hope and a future for ourselves. But even in the darkness of a seeming dead-end, we need to Persevere, press on with a pick-axe and believe in a way out with all of our hearts.
If God's given us the direction in His word, He will take us through to the very end. He will always give us what we need- a tiny headlamp, a retractable ladder, and a trusty pick-axe.
May we always remind ourselves, that in every trial and tribulation, we need to Persevere and trust in God, in His goodness and the hope He has for our futures... because there is always a way out of the tunnel. A tunnel always leads somewhere.
Tunnels connect us from one phase of life to the next, one stage to another. They never end by themselves- they are tunnels, linkways for a reason.
And we mustn't give up too soon, because we could just be this close to a way out...
... This close to a new breakthrough.
" ... And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverence; and perserverence, character; and character, hope.
Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. "
- Romans 5:3-5
"Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty..."
-At the Foot of the Cross
No comments:
Post a Comment