It would have to take a miracle, I told myself. I was washing my hair when I said aloud in the echoey bathroom: It would have to take a miracle.
"Please get your hair done, put on make-up and try to rent a long gown for the night. The results will only be announced on the night itself, but whether you win or not, dress your best, okay? The press will be there. There'll be lots of photoshoots and interviews."
I refused to spend money just to look extra good for a night. Besides, I was sure I wouldn't win.
I mean, what were the odds. I was just a finalist. Kitesong was old news. Besides, the past awardees were professors, heads of start-up companies, doctors leading in their fields, founders of humanitarian organisations, people who had empowered hundreds or thousands of youths and made their mark on the international arena . I had done nothing compared to them. Kitesong was a one-time endeavour. The rest of what I had shared with the committee, is pretty much what you see on this space-my normal life. Dad always told me, "Never dwell on your past achievements. Past achievements are exactly what they are- in the past. Look ahead, move on. " I was sure I would not win. I did not spend money to fix my hair.
I felt awkward. Reporters had called me the night before to interview me, and I was put in front of a videocamera on the night of the gala dinner. There were flashes, chandeliers, bright lights and plush furniture. It was a black-tie occasion, and my plum-coloured dress stood out against the dark sea of mostly men. I was very tense, especially since I was quite certain I would not win. Why were they asking me how I would feel if I won, or what I would do if I got the award? You guys are interviewing the wrong person, I thought to myself.
Among the finalists, were founders of NGOs, public heathcare practitioners, heads of startup companies and social enterprises and a deputy public prosecutor. Among the committee, were ministers, secretary-generals and chairpersons of large organisations. I felt out of place, to say the least. An old school friend my age was there as well, and I was impressed by his achievements to found movements and SPLAT! organisation to engage and empower 45'000 individuals to offer 2nd chances to youth-at-risk and ex-youth offenders. Dominic had represented Singapore overseas at international forums. He was involved in politics and people's welfare.
A young man limped very slowly toward me and introduced himself as Dr. Darren Chua. I was excited to find another medical person, only to realise he had suffered a paralysing stroke a year after graduation and had now gone on to start an education centre to teach and empower students. He was humble, and yet, thoroughly inspiring the way he was.
I was amazed, overwhelmed. But I had worn the only evening dress I had, bought by Dad 7 years ago for my high school prom, dug out second-hand make-up given to me last year, and had refused to spend money for a temporary hair-sprayed do. And it was just as well, I thought. I would be there as a supporter, celebrating the wonderful achievements of these outstanding individuals. I was sure I would not win.
"Jia, stop eating. It's going to be your turn."
"No la, Mum. Won't be me," I said jokingly, placing another mouthful of vegetables in my mouth and manouvreing a large parachute of a mushroom onto my spoon.
But it was. And I trawled up on stage, relieved that I hadn't tripped over my heels and that my half-chewed spinach was swallowed just before reaching the minister's hand. Everything after that, was surreal.
Till now, I still can't quite believe it.
Stirred:
The similar questions different reporters had asked me stirred me deeply to reflect upon my vision, values and dreams.
"How would you feel if you win?"
I said I would feel happy and blessed. I said that being awarded would make me even more acutely aware of the countless individuals who had sacrificed their lives to give selflessly and tirelessly to others. I thought about Mio, and the thousands of missionaries who had silently poured out themselves for the poor, without recognition; I thought about my many friends and young people out there who had touched so many lives by being who they were (specifically, I thought of Jo, my closest friend who had devoted so much of herself to build me up again); I thought about how Kitesong even came together in the first place, and how much my publisher and his wife had supported me to make this dream come true.
I learnt, that I have been blessed beyond measure. And this is the perfect example of receiving God's undeserved grace.
"What would you do with the award?"
I had said I would be encouraged and spurred on to pour out more of myself to the community. I said I truly hoped that it would serve as a beacon of light to encourage other youth to continue living their dreams. I also said, that I really hoped this would spread the message of hope and love, widen my reach to more people, and garner more support for the causes I believed in and stood for. I determined in my heart, to use this award to find more opportunities to get sponsorship, support and means to equip myself to better serve the poor and the hurting. God, please show me if you want me to further my studies in public health or otherwise overseas.
I learnt, that to give is better than to receive.
"What was your greatest discouragement?"
I said that it was being told I was too young to write Kitesong. What I didn't tell them was the countless nights I had spent being anguished at God, struggling with myself and Him, overcoming my formidable FEARSDOUBTSINSECURITIES. What I didn't tell them was how A Taste of Rainbow was a thousand times more painful to publish because of the resistance I had faced, the struggles I had to overcome with the illness, and the sense of loneliness felt.
I learnt, that if you want to accomplish something great, some part of the journey will be lonely.
Awed:
I thought about the person I was 5 years ago- insecure, needy for approval, overconfident. I wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted to make my parents proud, wanted to prove myself, wanted to be recognised. Then God broke me, through anorexia and depression, the way a Potter breaks an imperfect jar to remould it into something more useful, more beautiful. Through pain, illness and suffering, God humbled me and taught me humility and security, developed in me resilience and a certain brand of daring. I don't care what people think as much anymore.
It's funny. At the time I craved recognition so much that I received little. Only after God had chastened me and I had grown to dislike attention and the limelight, only after I had developed peace not to need a prize to feel validated, only after I had learnt to find my security in God and not in men, did I suddenly receive this.
I learnt, God witholds good things from us, because He has better things in store.
It reminded me of a quote by one of my favorite missionaries, Elisabeth Elliot, "Let's never forget that some of God's greatest mercies are His refusals. He says no in order that He may, in some way we cannot imagine, say yes. All His ways with us are merciful. His meaning is always love."
Tickled:
After the final round of interviews, Dad kept asking me what the interview panel had asked. There were almost 10 interviewers in the panel, and because I was so sure I wouldn't win, I went in completely relaxed and we had a couple of good laughs.
"You like spending your daddy's money on all these overseas missions trips eh?" the head of the committee had asked, before the entire room of us started laughing.
Just before I left, I remember he had looked me straight in the eye to ask, "What can we do to encourage someone like you?"
I was about to laugh when he said, "Don't answer that question. I'm kidding."
I smiled at all of them, laughed my girly laugh in my white dress and blogshop jacket, thanked them and walked out.
I learnt, that clingly loosely to earthly things radiates an unexplicable ease from you. And people sense it.
Relieved:
I remembered how it was so hard to convince myself to be worthy of filling up the application after I had been nominated, how I had to talk it through with my therapist even just to fill up the form because I felt really undeserving of it. I remembered how my application nearly got lost through the system and how much headache it had caused me.
I learnt, that if God plans for something to happen, somehow, even lost documents can miraculously re-appear.
Spurred:
This award has been an encouragement, indeed. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
All this while I had been living my life in a dream, protecting myself from naysayers because I didn't want to know what they thought of what I did- I hadn't realised just how much heartache I was actually tolerating, from brickbats thrown at me. You need to spend more time doing clinical research projects if you want to get ahead of the rat race. You ought to specialise and earn money in the fast track. You gotta be practical and stop doing all these things which put your life in danger. You shouldn't do so much writing or blogging, there's no tangible benefit-how many people read your writing? You shouldn't be so open about your dreams about missions and what you've been through- it will affect your chances at a career.
And at school:
Huh? Don't you know this? How would I know something esoteric when I don't spend three-quarters as much time as someone else on studying becuase I'm doing other things? I keep swallowing my pride, and tell myself, my aim is to be a good doctor, not the most academically elite one. So what if I haven't heard of the name of an esoteric bacteria? I was spending time with Grandpa Zhou last night.
Doing community service has changed my social circle tremendously. In the past 5 years, I have watched perhaps a total of 3 movies with groups of friends. Most of my social circle are people far older than me, who are also involved in similar ministries. To be honest, once in a while, I do feel lonely. But it's the life I chose, and it's fulfilling too, albeit different.
I learnt, that to go on doing what we believe in, we need to spur ourselves on. Besides, God is your greatest cheerleader.
Affirmed:
Huh? you've seen a therapist before? What was wrong with you?
When I think about it, I sometimes feel like crying, because I feel like the award is almost God's clear way of telling me- you're on the right track. It doesn't matter what people think or say about you. It doesn't matter where you've been, or what you've been through, because it is your ending and not your beginning that matters most.
I learnt, that you can't let anyone but God tell you how to live your life. And it doesn't matter how bad they laugh at you because of your experiences. It's okay.
Humbled:
To be honest, I'm not used to all the limelight again, not used to having lots of un-answered emails, a flood of replies on Facebook (I regret sharing the videos online, heh), amidst having to prepare for my finals. Ever since I got injured by pride after Kitesong, I'm a lot more wary about the sin of pride. If I have one prayer request, it would be for me to walk humbly before God and man every day of my life, in spite of all the attention, and to use this only for God's purposes, to help the people around me more.
(I'm also sorry if I have not replied to your email, I am very very grateful for every note you send and ask for your understanding as I am preparing for my final exams and the launch of Rainbow as well. Thank you for walking with me all these years. Thank you all for all your encouragement, yuor random emails and notes of love.)
Inspired:
When I think about what has happened, and think of all the people in my life who have poured out part of themselves for me, I cannot help but be filled with gratitude.
Thank you Jo and Jes, for always being there for me, whenever I needed you, for tirelessly giving up yourself for my sake, especially in my times of darkness; thank you Cornerstone, for being such a loving church; thank you all my triathlon and cycling buddies, for nourishing me with your friendship and laughter that I may give out to others; thank you Thomas, for the wonderful photos that night; thank you Mum and Dad for supporting me; thank you to my publisher and Aunty Anita, for making my dreams come true, and for changing my life in such a profound way. Thank you to every one of you who have prayed for me and walked with me in some part of my life. I feel like this award belongs to so many of you.
Thank you God, for healing me. Thank you for making me whole again.
And thank you to you readers, for walking with me, especially to those of you who have written to me before. Thank you for your support. Thank you to a particular "Mrs Lim", for all your encouraging emails during my time of bleakness. Thank you God, for this unexpected gift.
I just want each of you to know, that each of us have an Outstanding Person inside of us, waiting to be unleashed. Yes, in the face of the odds and circumstance, it can sometimes take a miracle for things to happen. Just like how I thought it would take a miracle to be awarded in this way.
May you continually be inspired. May you become an inspiration.
I was so sure I would not win. I told the committee honestly I did not have a clear idea which specialty to pursue, I was honest in my personal sharing to them that I had suffered from depression and anorexia, I honestly said that yes, many times I feel discouraged. Amongst all the other truly outstanding finalists, it would take a miracle for me to be awarded, I thought.
When I was asked what messages I wanted to share with people, I said one of them was this: If God can use someone normal like me who was once so broken, He can certainly use someone like you, too.
There is an Outstanding YOU inside of you,
waiting to be unleashed.
Keep dreaming,
don't stop.
Yes, some things may need a miracle.
The wonderful news is, miracles do happen.
God gives, when we learn to let go.
Thank you God for this miracle.
Thank you for sharing my journey. Enjoy these other inspiring stories from the awardees.
Video 1: Advice from Young Outstanding Singaporeans
Video 2: How I Changed My Life
"Teach me to do Your will,
-Psalm 143:10
Creed for Young Outstanding Singaporean Award 2011:
That faith in God gives meaning and purpose to human life:
That the brotherhood of man transcends the sovereignty of nations;
That economic justice can best be won by free men through free enterprise:
That government should be of laws rather than of men;
That earth’s great treasure lies in human personality;
And that service to humanity is the best work of life.
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