- Oswald Chambers,
I'll have to admit- I did think of turning back.
After the hoohah which happened last week, and the barrage of interviews from newspapers asking for me to share my story (some of whom weren't very nice), I was mometarily discouraged. I wondered why I'd even started this journey in the first place. Some of the questions were rude, overly personal and dogged, even though I had drawn my boundaries. As more requests for interviews streamed in, I asked myself if I really wanted to subject myself to such public judgement, critique and exposure.
My major depressive episode came right after my first book Kitesong was published. Amidst many things, I know, in retrospect, that one of the reasons for that depression was my inability to cope with the sudden success of the project. People started saying ill things and I overheard suspicions of my intentions. Still fairly new in my relationship with God, I let the many storms around me during the time wash me from the shore.
To be honest, I worried that the same would happen this time. My dad had warned me before, that in spite of one's best intentions, people would still doubt one's motivations- yet, one must not let that affect one's mission. 5 years later, with my roots sunk in deeper into God, I am learning, that what is most important, is not how we are seen by others, but how we are seen by God Himself.
Do you sometimes feel that the risk to pursue your dreams is too great for your reputation to bear? What if it fails? What if it becomes the subject of ridicule and critique?
I am learning, that the truth is, climbing mountains will definitely put you in a conspicuous, vulnerable position. However, like a lampstand on a hill, it also gives you more influence over the surrounding landscape. It gives you the potential to transform your community.
Last Saturday, as I shared my story in front of an audience at the book launch during the public health forum, I became acutely aware of my vulnerability. With the new website up, everyone would know my story. Unlike Kitesong, this project brings a very broken part of my life into the foreground. For the message to be sent, it must be so.
But I was encouraged- that so many parents of people struggling with this illness, sufferers themselves and some of you were there; I was encouraged, to hear the questions asked during the Q & A segment, and how I was able to answer many of them because of my experience with it; I was encouraged, that in the most amazing and unexpected way, God had used my brokeness for glory, and my darkness for good.
I was in awe. After 5 years of storms and struggle, Rainbow had finally come to pass.
There was book-signing at the end. Most of the crowd left with a copy of the book. However, none of that encouraged me as much as the 2 encounters I had with 2 of you from this space. One of you came to encourage me with the most kind and genuine words of encouragement, and another with a beautiful letter and a box of hand-made rainbow-coloured cupcakes which were rainbow coloured through and through (even in the inside!) :) We had never met before. As I learnt how my writing had impacted your life, I was reminded and spurred to continue with what God had placed in my heart.
Your courage to share with me how a complete stranger like me had touched your life reminded me of the importance of touching lives. Every life counts. It encouraged me, to keep on track in my mission, and not to let a few setbacks discourage me. Yesterday, one of you left a note here to share how this space has encouraged you. In the way that mine has touched your life, you have touched mine, too.
A few days ago, as I struggled with whether or not to accept another interview scheduled in April, I read from the bible, about how we are spurred on to be like "salt and light" in our community.
A little bit of salt transforms an entire dish and has the ability to preserve wholeness, while light can shine into the filthiest of places without being soiled. Nonetheless, salt can cause irritation on an open wound, and light attracts bats and moths- our genuine intentions can most certainly attract gossip and evil. Being defrauded by others is almost certain. What is important, however, is that we remember, nonetheless, to uncover our light!
So to bits with what people say. And you shouldn't mind either if you face discouragement along the way with your passions and dreams either.
Flee from the temptation of changing from salt into a cloying, people-pleasing sweetness.
Flee from hiding your light under a bushel for fear of being judged.
Walk as children of light.
Shine in the darkness.
Where evil lies, shine more brightly, still.
Thank you for these random, beautiful gifts, notes and words of encouragement.
You have touched my life too.
"You are the salt of the earth;
but if the salt loses its flavour, how shall it be seasoned?
... You are light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden...
...Let your light shine before men..."
- Matthew 5:13-16
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